3 1/2Yr Old W/ Bad Behavior

Great advice from Marda. And I think ignoring bad behavior as much as possible would be the best tactic here. A teacher friend of mine just reversed the worst case of bad behavior in a 6 year old I have ever heard of. This kid would swear horribly non-stop all day long, and disrupt the class continually. She couldn't take him outside because he would disrupt the neighborhood, but she finally had aides take the rest of the class outside when this behavior was going on, and then she would stay inside with him and completely ignore him. It worked. When he stopped getting attention for his bad behavior, it ceased.

Academic ability is different than emotional development & comprehension and it does not develop at the same time.
It is not congruous.
He is 3.5
Their emotions at this age are not even fully developed yet. Kids do not have automatic skills and ability about coping-skills either nor the automatic instincts for it. Nor is their communication or social skills fully developed yet.
The whole person, is not developed yet.
Kids do not know how, to discern or analyze their emotions nor the abstractness of all social situations nor do they even have the ability to have self-reflection or have deductive or inductive reasoning, yet. They don't know how to handle... being Frustrated. Even some adults don't know how.

They are also still learning boundaries/right/wrong, and the domino effect of their behavior upon themselves and others. And they also do not have fully perfect impulse control yet, nor are they experts at the nuances of tones or voices or how to express their feelings nor the full knowledge of the names of the many feelings that are developing in them.
All of these aspects, are still very not developed yet.
It is learned.

3 is a hard age.
And 4 is hard as well.

No is no. Do not argue with him or try to explain why in lengthy explanations. Say no. If he tantrums... then repeat it, then sit down and read a magazine. Tell him when he calms down.. THEN to tell you. AND you then convey to him that flipping out like that is not appropriate and that he STILL needs to learn.
Kids... WILL deflate on their own. If he is in a tizzy, just disengage and tell him no, you will not argue or fight about it. His tantrum will not get him things.
Once he learns, that you will not engage in his tantrums and that ONCE he calms down... then you will converse with him. Have him apologize as well.

Just punishing/taking things away from a child will not make them, better. It ALSO has to involve, in tandem... the teaching of skills to help them cope. So that in time, they can self-manage better and know, how.

Role play with him.
Teach him words to use, ways to say things if frustrated etc.
I taught my kids those things since they were 2 years old. By 3 years old, my son could tell me how he felt and the differences between him being "frustrated" "grumpy" or "irritated." He could actually tell me and knew how to know, himself. And to know how he feels and how to help himself feel better, with having "teamwork" with, me about it.
He'd tell me things like "Mommy, I'm grumpy, I'm going over there to be by myself." And then once he felt better, he'd come and tell me "I feel better now..." and hug me. I never scolded him for that. I was proud of him. If I told him "are you grumpy?" he would say "No Mommy, I'm frustrated..." and I'd ask him why. And he'd tell me why... like he is frustrated that he can't find his toy etc. Then we would problem solve that, TOGETHER.

Teach him to "try your best...." not being perfect.
To try, HIS best. Then compliment him when you notice he is, trying.

Taking away toys will not teach him how to behave. He's only 3. As S.H. said he doesn't know how to manage his feelings. Something doesn't flip in his brain. It's more a matter of there is nothing in his brain that tells him how to handle this.

I suggest that his inability to accept no is related to how people handle his emotional outburst. When he freaks out completely ignore him. Treat his actions in the same way you'd treat a tantrum. Walk away. Do something else so that you don't pay attention to the tantrum. In this way he'll learn that the tantrum not only doesn't get him what he wants but it also doesn't get him any attention.

I also wonder how often he's hearing no. Often we don't have to say the word no. We can say, "let's do this instead of this." We can direct his attention elsewhere. We can physically move him to a different location, talking as we walk. We can keep things out of his sight that we know he'll want to have but shouldn't. Set up his environment so that there is less reason to say no.

You can talk with him when he's not freaking out. Be sure to let him talk so that he feels heard. Give examples of incidents when he isn't allowed to do something and tell him what he can do when he's feeling upset. Role play with him. You be the toddler not getting his way and show him how to act.

Because his behavior is escalating at his preschool try to spend some time observing his interaction with staff. It could be that the staff person is not doing well with him. Is (s)he redirecting? Is she allowing him time to transition to a new activity or is she rushing him too fast? What is her manner when she says no. Is she too harsh or expect him to stop and do another activity too quickly. I've noticed a person expecting their child to immediately switch from playing with a toy to putting it away by themselves, like within 10 seconds. Are the person's expectations in line with your son's developmental age?

I suggest that we can only change our child's behavior by changing our own. All consequences have to be related to the misbehavior and have to be given immediately. A 3 yo has a very short memory. The same goes for rewards. They have to be immediate. At 3 he is unable to put together the charts, prizes and special trips that occur long after the event. A sticker on the chart at the same time as the good behavior might help. But a sticker on a chart when he gets home from school after having a good day has no meaning to him.

I would reward him with praise when he does what he's supposed to do. Praise is all he needs at this age. You want him to behave because it's the right thing to do, and he will once he learns how to manage his feeling. Whatever you do should be directly related to his feelings and how he can manage them.

It's important to be sympathetic with him when he's disappointed. Say, "I know you want to play with this but we have to stop now and get ready for dinner." Validate his feelings and show him how to manage them. Both are important. I noticed with my grandchildren that when we were able to consistently sympathize with the way they were feeling they were better able to stop the negative behavior.

S.H.is so right when she says to teach him about feelings.

Oh yeah, there are more posts on this site for 3 year olds than about any other age! You are a good mommy with a great kid but you have to hold on for the ride of your life like a bad roller coaster you can't get off. Those boys get a surge of testosterone about this age and they get aggressive/stubborn/sassy. The punishment after he gets home thing will not be connected to the incident at school. They need to take care of business immediately, usually with a time out away from the group. After saying no, ignore as much of a tantrum as you can. it gets him no where with you. He is a smart 3 yr old not in need of a therapist. Good behavior means nothing to him. You need to be more specific with your expectations. No fits. No throwing things, no hitting, no kicking, no hurting others. Tell him if you can do that today at school, you can play with _____ (a special toy just for the car) on the way home. It stays in the car so it keeps it's appeal. As I have said before, parenting a 3 yr old is not for sissys! Search this site and read up on three yr olds. Stay one step ahead if you can but just know only time will make things better. 5 is a great age, live for 5!

I think Marda has some great points. We went through something pretty similar with our 3 year old DS. We actually went to a counselor specializing in family issues. She gave us a few tips like not directly saying no but rephrasing it as a positive and giving other alternatives. For instance, my son use to freak out when we said no more TV. Instead we now give him a 5 minute warning that the TV is being turned off, we turn it off and then give him alternatives like....it is now time to either play with your toys or we can read books. He use to love throwing balls in the house. After we would say no throwing balls he would look right at us and throw the ball. For most parents you would think this is defiance but the therapist we were seeing actually said that it showed that he was really smart and that he was seeing what our reaction was going to be....testing fences she called it. We now say, we roll balls on the floor in the house, instead of now throwing balls. You wouldn't believe what a difference this has made with his behavior.
Another thing that we did was we realized our son was overtired and that he was doing too much during the day with our nanny. We had her slow down his schedule and I set his bedtime back by 1/2 hour so he is now getting more sleep.
Good luck, now I know why many say 3 is harder than 2!

Your son just needs to get used to the idea that he doesn't always get his way. When he starts the meltdown, take him to his room, shut the door and go about your day. He can meltdown all day long if that's what he wants to do. BUT he gets NOTHING. No attention - nothing until he has calmed down.

As for daycare, they're going to have to figure it out. There is NOTHING you are going to do at home that is going to translate into help for the daycare people. I always say each person dealing with a child has to earn that child's respect. You can't force a child to respect someone just because M. or dad says they have to. You can insist that they deal with the person in a respectful manner, but you can't force respect. Same in this situation. They are going to have to figure out what will work for them in that environment.

Check out the Positive Parenting Solutions site. http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/power-struggles

You don't have to get a membership...just start reading the blog! There is GREAT advice there. She also writes great books.

I agree with those who say that taking things away at this age doesn't really work.

I also don't advocate the use of rewards charts or other bribes.

This is all about power. He's at the age where he wants to exert his power over others...and that is COMPLETELY normal.

Best of luck!

It should be called the terrible threes, not twos. Let his teachers know you are on the same page, stay the course and he will in all likelyhood grow right out of it.