30 Month Old Cries for Nanny During the Night... Desperate for Help Please

You don't need to quit your job, first of all. You don't need to make yourself feel guilty about working, if that's what's happening.

It's absolutely fine to continue to breastfeed a 2.5 year old, but if you do that AND co-sleep AND use videos AND give in to her desire for the nanny because you feel guilty, you (and the nanny) have not taught her to calm herself down. A 2.5 year old should absolutely NOT be nursing (or bottle feeding or eating anything) at night. She needs her sleep far more than she needs food.

Does your pediatrician know that your child is awake so much at night??? She is sleep-deprived - for 5 months! - which is bad for her brain development. I understand that a child who is sick may need some exceptions, but your daughter does not know how to calm herself and go back to sleep - she always gets some sort of attention the second she wakes up.

I think you need to read up on sleep training and get serious about this. That does not mean that you let your child scream all night long. It means that your child needs - at this point - her own space, even if it starts with a toddler bed on the floor in your room. If you are completely against her having her own room and her own bed, you need to decide when you think it will be appropriate to implement that! It will NOT get easier at 5 or 7 or 12.

If every time she wakes or stirs a tiny bit, she has a warm body right next to her that feeds her the breast and consoles her when there is nothing wrong (I'm not talking about a raging fever or a nightmare), she is really handicapped in terms of her self-confidence.

This is not a phase that will end. You need to end it by teaching her the skills she needs. That means that everyone involved gets on the same page with how the nights will be handled. You can read up on the Ferber method and seriously get on board. You will have 3 nights of hell and then it will be done. But you already have 5 months of hell, so it should be a huge relief.

What are your nanny's working hours? And what does she do during her off hours? (what I mean is, does she have dinner with you? does she hang out in your living room in the evening with you? Or does she have her own apartment in the house so that she has some separation from you?

I'm thinking that I can understand why your daughter is confused - heck, even I'm confused. She's never sure who is in charge when. And I also wonder if your nanny might get a little annoyed if she never gets her own time. What would happen if you went on vacation without the nanny? Or if the nanny goes on vacation without you? I think you need to put your foot down a bit.

Your daughter is almost 3. I think you need a very concrete routine so that it's clear when the nanny is in charge, and when you are. She's old enough that you can tell her, starting when you get home, that Nanny isn't in charge now. The nanny shouldn't be putting her to bed, and she shouldn't be getting up in the middle of the night. Yes that is going to mean some major tears in the short term, but I don't see an alternative. And let me be clear - 2.5 year olds are smart, she KNOWS that crying will get you to give in, because you've taught her that it will. And she is going to test you with a lot of tears to see if you are serious about setting limits. This is why it's called the terrible twos.

Another alternative, since she's almost 3, is that maybe it's time to consider a preschool daycare for her next year, instead of a nanny?

S. - welcome to mamapedia!!

First off - your child is 2.5 years old - it's way past time to refer to your child in months....

Second off - you hand your child off to the nanny instead of comforting her yourself?? You did this to yourself. Sorry - but instead of LEARNING about your child you pawned her off to a nanny.

Your nanny needs SET HOURS. Period end of story. YOU need to learn about your child. YOU need to know how to sooth her...this is going to be HARD. Your nanny MUST be on the same page and this means that when daughter starts crying and you are home? She must walk away and go to her room or leave and LET YOU DEAL WITH IT...this is YOUR kid. YOUR responsibility.

If you can't resign your job? You need to set boundaries and LEARN about your child. Not just playing with her - but KNOWING HER...

Good luck!!

i'm sorry the working mother guilt is consuming you so. don't feel badly about working. many of us have to (and a surprising number of us like to) and there's nothing wrong with being a working mom. no need to apologize for not resigning your job because your toddler is having trouble sleeping.
and hon, she's a toddler. she's almost 3. time to stop measuring her age in months.
it's great that you have a nanny whom you can trust and rely on, and who is clearly devoted to your child. nothing to apologize for there either.
but it's time to sleep-train this little girl. you will almost certainly be told that she's manipulating and playing you, and i hope you disregard this. she's not yet 3 and she only knows what she's lived. she's not manipulative and she doesn't need tough love.
but she IS learning, and she's not getting enough sleep to stay healthy, and she needs mommy and nanny (and daddy?) to help her learn this important skill.
nanny should be OFF when she's off, and keep herself completely unavailable. i know it's tempting to call her in when the going gets tough (probably hard for her too since she lives there) but at 5am nanny needs to NOT be an option.
you are not being selfish by comforting your own child (even when she's inconsolable.) you are helping her. YOU need to sleep train her, not nanny. pick your method and stick with it. and have nanny work with you on setting the boundaries and keeping to them. that means that when mommy comes home from work, nanny gives her a love and a goodbye and goes to her room or out dancing or whatever nanny does, and mommy (and daddy?) feed and bathe and play with and read to and care for her and yes, put her to bed.
get your routine down and stick with it. she needs very badly to know what to expect, and if you keep giving in and getting nanny, that's what she's come to expect. stop keeping nanny in the wings. when she's on duty she's on but when you take over, nanny needs to evaporate. if she usually eats dinner with you and watches tv and hangs out with the family in the evenings that's lovely, but it has to stop. you need to reorient your little girl to you.
she can love nanny to pieces, but mom is mom.
you're not being selfish by being mom.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

I'm not exactly what you're asking advice on - her needing help in the night or are you feeling rejected? Or both?

When you say she only falls asleep with her nanny and won't let you make her fall asleep - what are your referring to exactly? At her age, she should be falling asleep on her own - completely. That might be your problem. And if she's breastfeeding and co-sleeping and doesn't know how to self soothe (I'm just making assumptions here because it's not clear) then if she's crying for Nanny at night, then just get her to fall asleep on her own. Teach her how to self soothe.

My kids always preferred mom over any one else even though I worked full time. They had a special bond with their grandmother, caregivers and my husband of course. But I never felt rejected. That seems a bit severe. Is that your emotions maybe making you feel that way? I can't imagine a child rejecting mom. It's nice she's close and attached to her Nanny. But something seems a bit off here. Is it just because she's sick at the moment? Kids can be out of sorts and act differently when ill.

I hope she feels better soon. Good luck :)

This is normal, as you pointed out kids often prefer their primary care giver. I am sure your child understands that you are "Mommy", but he doesn't really understand yet what that means because nanny does most of those "jobs" (and that is okay, I am not judging, just stating facts). Do you pay your nanny for full time care, including overnights? If not you may need to consider renegotiating her contract to include payment for the extra hours if you intend to continue to use her during those times. Either way you have to get consistent. By holding off until the child is almost puking and then getting the nanny your child is learning that if they just cry long enough and get themselves worked up enough you will give in to their demand. You are creating a situation were the child will now cry longer and harder to see if they can continue to get their way. You either need to decide to just let the nanny handle it from the get go or tell the child that nanny does not work nights and stick to your guns no matter how big of a tantrum he throws. If you decide to go the second route expect it to get worse before it gets better since you have given in in the past, but know that if you hold out it will eventually get better.

Hello. You and your nanny need to work with your two year old to teach her how to self soothe and put herself back to sleep. This is a long process but you need to come up with a plan and start now. She is not a baby anymore and in half a year will be a big 3 year old and ready for preschool! It's normal for a little one to be most bonded with whoever they spend the most time with. Don't feel guilty or bad or scared. I remember when my youngest went through something like this at this same age. She wanted me and not daddy. He would have to tell her I was not home and was gone that evening for her to give in and let him put her to bed. It was kind of funny. We would tell her I was going to a "mommy meeting" that night. Then I could get a break and he could put her to bed. She caused no fuss if she knew I was not home. But boy, if she knew I was home she was relentless! Yes, this is a phase for this age. And yes, she probably would not cause so much fuss if she knew the nanny was away at her own house. It's common for a 2.5 year old to get separation anxiety from their primary caregiver. She will outgrow it...no need to worry or feel as bad as you are feeling. Hang in there!

Your child is playing you. Both you AND your nanny. It's darn time you sleep trained her and show some tough love here.

You don't need to be making her fall asleep. That is your child's job. You put her in the bed and tell her "go to sleep" and then it's up to her to do it. If you never allow her to fall asleep on her own, how could you expect her to ever do it? Instead, you're nursing and turning on videos and letting her go find the nanny. She can tell that you're desperate, and that makes her feel insecure.

You need to put your foot down and stop giving her to the nanny. You need to sleep train your child and get her out of your bed.

I'm not saying to do this when she is sick. But your child needs to know when it's nanny time and when it's mommy and daddy time. STOP mixing them. You don't need the nanny to be giving her medicine at night. That's YOUR job. Don't make anymore excuses.

Toddlers push the envelope as long as you let them. Stop letting your child run your home. Stop making your nanny work ridiculous hours. Take charge of your home.

A 2 1/2 year old can sleep all night without parents or a nanny. It's nothing to do with who the child prefers at this time of life. Many working parents don't have nannies and would not have this option during sleep hours, therefore kids HAVE to learn to sleep without consolation, and they can. In your case, there has been someone there to comfort your daughter all night long, so she needs it. It's all about what you think is healthiest going forward. Sounds like, in the end, you want to provide her with the support of the nanny during the night if your daughter really wants it. And your daughter knows this and will go into maximum traumatic behavior to get it. So if you'll cave in the end, just go with that choice in the beginning, and stop the battle. It's better to just let her do that then to teach her she can wear you down with lots of crying. If you want her to sleep all night with you, then do that and stand firm when she freaks out for the nanny. But you have to stand your ground. If you want her to sleep on her own, you have to make her. Lots of exercise all day, no sugar (even fruit) after mid afternoon, lots and lots of healthy food all day for a full belly, a good night routine, and then let her cry with firm directions that no one is going to sleep with her. It will be hard at this advanced age, but she is as capable as any other child, so with absolute consistency it will happen. Good luck!

All children know their mom.its that she is sick and the nanny might talk and hold her in a more softer way.try the nannys way of holding her and talking to her.she also starts her morning with the nanny and might not want to go back to sleep. seeing mom means bed time. hope the nanny will always be there for her. if the nanny leaves for good baby will be crushed,so spend alot of time with the baby so she wont always rely on the nanny.