Hi Moms! I would appreciate your advice when it comes to my beautiful kids. I have a 5yr old girl and now a 5 month old baby boy. It took us (me) a while to plan our 2nd baby because I just couldn't, didn't know how to deal with a new baby and directing the attention away from my little girl. Of course, the moment our baby boy was born I realized that your mama instinct and tender love is enough to go around with each one. I've always made sure that I did not limit my attention,love and care for my 5 yr old but they notice. The day our baby boy way born I bought her a gift and said that her baby brother had brought it to her because she was such a beautiful nice big sister. She was so excited (then 4 yrso), I just hope she never asks me how he was able to buy and bring her a gift. My husband have to be very careful when we play and kiss our baby boy because she could be watching and say "You don't love me anymore, you just love -------." Don't get me wrong, she adores her brother its just the affection that was once hers is now being shared. So now, I say, "Look at (use my daughter's name) baby brother he's so cute or I have a beautiful baby girl and a baby boy. So now I don't want to have another child so I can leave it as it is a girl and a boy. How can I help my daughter with these jealousy issues?
Thanks to all who shared your experiences and advice with me. Some I've already done, but it was nice listening to others that have gone through what I went through. So far, my daughter has been great and she hardly-ever mentions little remarks.
I also have 4 years difference in age between my 2ed kid.
It will never go away. She will always think you love the 2ed one best. So deal with it. I tryed everything. They are now 32 and 27 and the olders still thinks i love the other one more...although she knows that is not true in her heart.
J. of Texas
Why are you worried that your five year old is lurking around the corner to catch you? There will be jealousy issues. There is no way around it. It will eventually crop up. Do not act like you are doing anything wrong. As long as the oldest child receives their (Mommy/Daughter & Daddy/Daughter) time then it is equal. If she does ask you why Baby brother is held all the time; you tell her "Babies need a different kind of love than big girls do." Explain that she was held when she was a baby and show her pictures of you and Daddy holding her. It is natural for the oldest child to feel jealousy. That rug rat came in and stole all the attention. She is no longer the center and it is hard to give that up (I should know as I am the oldest.) She will be fine. This is one of the ways children learn to get along in the world. It starts at home. Good luck to you.
D....there is always going to be some jealous feelings where siblings are concerned. There's 7 years difference between my son & daughter, and yes, he was jealous of her when she was born. I just explained to him that I loved both of them equally and since she was a baby, she required a little more of my time & attention because she wasn't able to take care of herself yet. With supervision, I let him help me with taking care of her, carrying the diaper bag on outings, feeding her, etc. You might try getting your daughter involved a little in helping care for her baby brother so they can begin the bonding process between brother & sister. Also, be sure there's one on one time with you and her as well. I don't think you should be worrying about being "careful" when showing affection to your son...if she does witness this, which I think is a good thing as you're showing the love in your home, grab her up and shower her with kisses & hugs as well!
Hi D..
I have a princess and a prince as well. When our son was born, our daughter was very upset. You see, she wanted a sister. We explained to her that he was in deed staying for the duration! My kids are 4 years apart. I made sure that I spent lots of time with her as well. I had her in a pre-K program so she had her "school" a couple of days a week. When she came home, I made sure the baby was a sleep and she and I would have our time. It is hard, but she will understand. I think it was about two weeks later when my daughter started blaming her brother for the broken lamp. D., don't make this more of a big deal than it needs to be. You are allowed to love both kids. This is where she is going to learn that mommies and daddies have an abundance of love. She will survive and so will you! Good luck!!!
I just have 1 question. Is she actually showing that she is jealous or are you expecting her to be jealous and therefore you will not show signs of affection towards your son in front of her. I believe it will be a lot healthier for her to see you and your husband showing your love towards your son so she can see it rather than trying to hide it from her. By her seeing you being affectionate to your son she will learn than you can love more than one person at a time. You could also encourage her to love on her baby brother.
In your account you don't describe any jealous actions or comments your daughter makes. Is she jealous, or are you being pro-active, seeking tips for when she might display jealous actions or make comments?
In any case, if it's tips you want, I have a great, practical article, "New Baby and Sibling Rivalry", that I can send by email. Just reply to ____@____.com
I understand exactly what you are going thru. I went thru the same situation 5 years ago. My girls are 3 years apart and I knew it would be difficult for my oldest and had many talks w/ her about the changes. I even sent her thru a Big Sister class to try to help her cope and understand what would happen when the baby came. They made such a big deal about how important she was and how badly we would need her help. She even received a pin and certificate once she completed the class. All of that feeling important stuff went out the window after the first two weeks.
I was very sympathetic w/ her because I am the oldest of 5 children and I had the greatest adjustment when the second child was born. I am five years older than she is. It was difficult, but necessary. I did not want her to go thru the same feelings that I did. But no matter what you do, it is going to be difficult for your daughter. But she will get better as long as you show her you love both children. My daughter did. She went from being the only child and only grandchild in one day. Her paternal grandparents live 5 minutes from us and we have their only grandchildren. My MIL and I had to have a serious talk because she was extra sensitive to the oldest child's jealousy issues. She made sure to pay the 3yo tons of attention and very little to the baby in front of her. I kept giving her hints that this was not tolerated. She continued on and kept saying how difficult it was for the 3y/o while hugging her tightly. This went on for the baby's first 4-5months. It soon got to the point that whenever she was holding the baby or smiling too hard at her, my 3 y/o would walk over and try to climb in her lap so she could put the baby down, even though she had just picked the baby up. One day this happened and she tried to give me back the baby so she could pick up my oldest and I could see the triumphant look on m 3 y/o face. I told my MIL this was unacceptable and I would not tolerate it any longer. She would not be allowed to show favoritism between the children. It is not healthy and will only get worse over time. The baby deserves as much or as close to the same amount of affection as the other child. I politely picked up my baby and took my daughter by the hand and left. My MIL was in tears, but she had to understand that I am a mother first to both children and they will be treated equally. I told her once she understood that, to give me a call and I would let her see both of her grandchildren. From that point on, I no longer had any problems.
I know this is hard for you, but you have to make sure you do not seem like you are doing anything wrong by loving on the baby. Do not limit the baby's right to affection b/c of fear of your 5y/o's reaction. Your daughter is going thru a normal adjustment to the new baby, but she must understand that you love the baby just as much as you love her. She can not be allowed to slow your affection w/ the baby. Try to incorporate her into giving the baby hugs and kisses, too. Celebrate her accomplishments just as loud as you do w/ the baby. Set aside Mommy daughter time w/o the baby and also Father daughter time minus the baby. Make her feel just as special, just not superior. Have things that only she can help you do. She will soon feel the love and stability again.
I hope this helps.
Read Siblings without Rivalry. Our oldest daughter was extremely jealous when her younger sister arrived. It took about 6 months for her to work through it. Good Luck!
