7 Year Old Boy and Inappropriate Languge

I think a 7 year old boy saying to a girl that she had a hairy vagina and then trying to lift her skirt is so incredibly inappropriate that I can't believe it. Not only is it inappropriate to be saying vagina as an insult yet alone a hairy one, but trying to lift her skirt is just wrong.

So, your first question is rather or not you should let them play together. Your second is about whether or not only your son and his friends are the only children who experiment with bad language.

Wow. Absolutely no concern about the fact that he violated her privacy mentally and attempted to violate it physically?

Do you not have any privacy and boundary expectations in your family? Does he get to point out and expose your "motherly" body? Would he be corrected if he did?

While it isn't abnormal for a child to say something like that (as they tend to repeat everything they hear) it is NOT appropriate. If he swore at you would you pass it off as "kids being kids"? Children make mistakes. We are here to teach them correct principles and guide them through all the learning in life.

You should be having a conversation about respect of others and integrity of accepting the consequences of his choices. He needs to apologize sincerely and you should be at his side.

Seems to me the key points are:

(1) The kids like playing with each other, in spite of their differences. If they find a way to work through this mutual offense, perhaps they can go on being friends. Friendship is a better thing than animosity and much easier to live around.

(2) The neighbor mom is possibly creating some of her daughter's "sensitivity" with her behind-the-scenes manipulations. At any rate, the girl is not responsible for her mother's behavior.

(3) The girl may actually be more sensitive than most, and her mom is trying to protect her (although clumsily). If the girl is unusually sensitive, it may be no more her fault than having a cute nose.

(4) Your son said something that would shock plenty of "normal" little girls, and their mothers. And me. I do recognize that kids pick up and repeat all sorts of things, and expect my grandboy will certainly surprise us from time to time. And if he were to make such a statement and try to pull up a little girls' dress, I would find it shockingly inappropriate, and find ways for consequences to play out. (I'd be shocked not so much by the content of his insult, but that he would have picked up something so rude and invasive from his circle of friends.)

(4) Consequences that flow naturally from an action are often a good thing, and often the best way for children to learn important lessons. So…

(5) An apology from your son would be an entirely appropriate consequence, whether or not the girl apologizes for her part in the blowup. (Seriously, if you want to compare, calling someone's house filthy is considerably less offensive than characterizations of body parts and an attempt to physically violate privacy. So don't compare – you'll lose.) Another reasonable consequence might be that the children not play together any more, unless they can patch up their differences, learn from this experience, and avoid repeats. But this should be handled as a consequence to the two squabbling children, not as a rejection of the neighbors.

(6) You accompanying your son to the neighbor's house so he can apologize would be a very good thing, because: you can be sure he actually offers a contrite apology; and because the girl's mom will see that you are taking appropriate parental steps and she will be less likely to go on criticizing you behind your back (at least on this issue); and because you will be able to observe her response to your son and make sure she does not become inappropriate in return.

(7) You are not personally obligated to apologize to the neighbor for something your son did. You will be doing enough by helping him follow through with his own apology, and modeling excellent adult behavior both to your child and to the neighbors. But if you want to express regret that your son upset the daughter, that would be entirely reasonable, too, and might ease your neigbor mom's apparent misgivings about you.

(8) Don't expect a return apology from the girl, but don't be surprised if, because of your example, she gets around to it some day. Your son shouldn't be doing this so that she will express regret, but because he recognizes that his own actions call for an apology.

In summary: If the whole world refused to apologize for bad behavior until the other side apologizes, where would humanity be? Thank God for those who are able to take the first step. I heard a theologian suggest that when this happens, all the angels in heaven rejoice. It's a nice image, yes? Good luck. Raising children is so full of unexpected adventure.

Okay, I've read the responses and just have one important thing to clarify.

Yes, it is TOTALLY normal for little boys to say inappropriate things, especially to little girls :). BUT, do not confuse normal for acceptable.

Boys will be boys, (and girls will be girls, toddlers will be toddlers, teens will be teens...) but parents must be parents.It is our job to make certain that those normal but inappropriate behaviors be used as teaching experiences. Our job is to make certain that those boys don't stay boys but grow in to responsible, caring, acceptable men; and the girls into responsible, caring, acceptable (possibly even independent) women.

I taught for 10 years at the elementary level and currently have 3 kids. I have seen parents blow this kind of behavior off because its "normal" and I have seen parents overreact because it's "unacceptable." (And it has nothing to do with working vs. stay at home parenting.)

Knowing what's normal developmentally keeps us parents from freaking out at every little thing --this is where your neighbor is lacking info/experience. AND realizing what's inappropriate keeps us from raising bratty kids into bratty adults.

All you can do: is make certain your child understands that his words were inappropriate-- they were, regardless of the little girl's provocation; make certain he understands what the consequences will be for this incident and for any future incidents;and have him apologize to the little girl-- not the mom,the girl. You will be unable to effect any change in your neighbor; that will have to come with maturity on her part.

Good luck and happy parenting!

S.,

First, I feel great empathy for any mom experiencing a challenge that is just...so not pretty! A challenge that I'm assuming may also feel embarrassing for you. I applaud your seeking a range of opinions on this concern - it demonstrates (at least to me) you have a deep love of your child and the ability to look at things that may not be 'pretty' - things that may be hard for you - but, from your inquiry, my guess is you're up to the challenge.

If you ask me, there is no greater quality in a parent than someone willing to shed any guilt or personal emotion they may have in the situation, in an effort to see things from other angles, on behalf of doing the best job they can, in raising their child (to be a happily functioning member of society).

Whether we work or stay home (or a combination of both), this is one of the most critical qualities that sets great parents apart from those who don't want to "deal" - those who let problems grow into lifelong hurdles for their offspring to deal with in their adult lives. In my view, great parents take challenges like this on as THEIR responsibility in teaching now, so that their children, as adults, can focus on successful activities and forward momentum for their future. So I have to say again - I totally applaud you for opening up a difficult subject - it speaks to your strengths as a parent.

I do not want to offend you in offering my two cents - but I AM going to be blunt because I believe this is a critical opportunity you have, to help your son in learning to better manage his social relationships - a skill I'm sure we agree he'll need to rely on for the overall success of his entire life.

Note, I am responding with the assumption that your writing above may leave out important details about your concerns and thoughts as a mom - basically, I'm responding ONLY to what I see written above - so take it or leave it with this in mind.

I sincerely hope this behavior will not get passed off on the "sensitivity" of a little girl - because that kind of comment has no place in ANY exchange between friends (or enemies!), be it between 7-year-olds or adults, for that matter.

The fact is, if anyone gave that retort in our adult world, it would be deemed totally inappropriate and cause others to walk away / end relations. It IS a socially repulsive behavior. I believe it is our job, as parents, to school our children in what is / is not socially acceptable. Plainly, if they are able to function in a positive way, socially, they are likely going to have FAR greater success in their lifetimes than if they are not.

In my view, your son is clearly in the wrong - no matter how sensitive the girl - no matter how provocative the situation seemed to be for your son.

The simple fact is, his behavior was socially way out of line and, if I were the mom, I would ensure that this singular message was the beginning, middle and end of the story told to my son. The girl has nothing to do with HIS choices. For his sake, he needs to learn to take TOTAL responsibility for his actions in life (as we all do - that's my opinion, at least), in order to have a happy and prosperous life.

Take it or leave it, but I say the ONLY focus for the well-being and happy future of your son (and those he socializes with in his lifetime) is HIS behavior. It's better he learn now, in the context of a loving family (what is going to help / hinder him in life), than when he leaves home for a world that doesn't share the same tolerance and affection for him (as we know the real world can be a great teacher!).

If it were my child, I would come up with a plan of action that looked something like this:

1) I would clarify to my son the nature of his behavior - that it is the only focus here and that, not only is it totally unacceptable, but it has real consequences. This is a rule that goes for me, as a mom, just as it goes for any child, including him. In this case, because HE CHOSE the behavior he did, the consequence is loss of a social relationship; they are not able to play together at this point and it has nothing to do with the parents or the little girl, for that matter. It is purely the result of his actions - basically, how we treat others brings consequences. Now, we can work to fix things - but that isn't a guarantee for success. The only guarantee for success is to fix our selves. He can make new and better choices, just as others can. On that note...

2) I would practice the art of a really decent and meaningful apology - and have my son practice with me. I would then approach the parents of the little girl. I would share with them what I have clarified to my son. That I have explained, in no uncertain terms, that this situation has NOTHING to do with their daughter - that it was his poor choice in behavior that has hurt her and caused them to not be able to play right now. I would underscore how truly invested I am, as a responsible parent, in his gaining personal growth / improvement out of this experience, for his ultimate success with social relationships in the world, starting with a most important little girl - their daughter, who has been so inexcusably and poorly treated in this case. I would then make my heartfelt apology (NO justifications, NO excuses - i.e. me, taking TOTAL responsibility for my role as a mom in his life), asking them to share how THEY feel about this - because they may need to express how hurt they are (and not hear you tell them about the hurt you assume to understand them to have, etc.) - that their daughter now has to deal with an experience of this uniquely terrible treatment, language, etc. How awful for a 7 year old little girl (seriously, if it were my daughter, I assure you, I would want the other party to sit there and listen - and to do nothing more than show me, by their ACTION, that they TOTALLY GET what I'm feeling)! Ultimately, I would do NOTHING to justify my son's behavior. I would offer them this - a REAL apology, by focusing on nothing but the impact of my son's behavior on their daughter - totally uncalled for, inappropriate, etc. IF I am lucky, they might accept my apology - and may even allow my son to apologize (expressing a real understanding of the impact it had on her, no excuses) to their daughter and to them, as well. On this note - I don't know about you, but, when we were kids, I remember one of us took a candy bar from the grocery - and was brought back in to apologize to the store manager and offer to make the situation right - it is OKAY FOR KIDS to go through such difficult experiences; in fact, it is important that they do :-). Anyway...

3) Providing the parents understood my genuine sincerity and concern and accepted my apology (and my son's), I would ask them if they might consider, gradually, over a few month's time, assisting in the process of re-socializing him - for his (and their daughter's) benefit. I say their daughter's benefit because, if he does manage to change his choices, it has the potential to be healing for her, as well. However, this may not come to pass - and I would be prepared for this - and prepare my son - the fact is, the family does not need to help him fix anything - they can simply move on and focus purely on their daughter. Either way, he needs to learn a big lesson - and to understand, in the process, that he's not a throw-away because he's made a mistake and, at the same time, he cannot be accepted without making real changes. IF the parents were willing to work with me, I would be incredibly grateful and dedicated. Over the next few months, my plan would be to remind him, whenever he wished to play with her, that, unfortunately, things can't be automatically fixed just because we wish we hadn't done something - things take time and effort to fix. And, if we repeat such behaviors, the consequence is easily that they can never be fixed. Right now, there is a chance to fix things. I would focus on sharing with him that he has the power to fix things - and that I am proud of him for using this time to concentrate on what he can do differently in future. I would ask him what he thinks he could do differently, next time, if she decides to give him another chance. And, hopefully, over time, short, supervised play times could be arranged. My personal hope would be for both children to heal in this process...

I know this sounds harsh - but, in the real world, I believe this is the truth of how things are. People don't have to give him a second chance and, if they do, he needs to know the weight and the potential of such an opportunity. Right now, your son is seven. This is a very impressionable age - meaning, you have an incredible window of opportunity here - a moment to teach your son something very important - a concept that has the potential to impact his life for a highly positive outcome; for a long time to come.

Finally, where this language comes from is another matter I would urg you to discuss / address. If your son is around friends who find this language / behavior acceptable, I would strongly urge you to aggressively work to CHANGE THAT NOW, while you still may have the influence to do so. It won't be long before the judgment of his peers totally eclipses that of his parents, from my understanding.

Anyway - like I say - take it or leave it. I hope I'm not trampling over your heartstrings and being too harsh. I just truly care that you wake up one day knowing you took the opportunity, not feeling you could have or should have. As I see it, taking total responsibility for our selves in life is a HUGE part of the process of growing up. Even at seven years old, a child is learning - either how to or how not to do this in their life. I personally believe that the degree to which we each do this in our own lives (as role models for our children) determines the degree to which we feel happy / successful, ultimately.

I wish you and your son and this little girl and her family a successful and positive outcome. And I hit 'send' with my most heartfelt sympathy for your challenge and respect for your personal strengths as an obviously caring mom!

T. B.

PS - re: the Dennis The Menace mention, my grandfather, Al Wiseman, was the ghost cartoonist and my uncle, Fred Toole, was the writer of the strip (more on ths at http://www.maidenus.com/DesignersNotebook.php) - I assure you, they would not have supported any comparison of their work to this totally inappropriate behavior - I hope people who found it funny at first will, on second thought, consider what could be going on that we don't know about, while a hard-working mom can't be there to police all the time - this is truly, as I see it, a teaching moment for this child.

You don't seem overly concerned about what your son did. I completely side with your neighbor. She has not overreacted. She does not want her daughter subjected to further incidents with your son. I know a child that was molested by another child at day care. It does happen, and the poor children are scarred for life and need counseling. If this is how you and your husband talk at home, or these words are in the entertainment you expose your son to, I feel very sorry for your child. There is a boy in my neighborhood that peed in my yard one week, the next he pulled my son's pants down. The poor kid was only in kindergarten. His mom had him apologize for each incident. However, after the pants pulling down, I decided my kid couldn't play with the other kid without a grown up around, and as I was nursing a baby at the time and had another toddler, I told her I couldn't do it. I told her she was welcome to come over with him. The other mom took offense to this. Too bad. I say don't have your kids play together. As parents, your values are the polar opposite of the parents across the street. Your kids are better off not playing together unsupervised. By the way, I wouldn't let my daughter near your kid again either if you weren't concerned about where he got his vocabulary.

I think that the most important thing here is for your son to realize how wrong it is to say something like that (and to lift the skirt). My first thought was, where would he get a comment like that? I have a son that is nine and I can't imagine him saying something like that at age 7. It is infortunate that one incident is going to ruin a friendship though. Is it possible for them to have some sort of playtime in which they are being supervised?? That way they can still be friends and work through the problem. I think they will both feel better in the long run. Hope this helps! S.

Your story made me laugh out loud, it is right out of Dennis the Menace - of which I loved that movie when my kids were little. Your son is perfect and don't let anyone tell you differently. He just has to learn that he can't talk that way to people, a simple lesson. He should probably appologize but he should also understand why he is appologizing. I hope you and your husband got a chuckle out of it.

I have girls and work in a school district and some of the stunts pulled by the kids as they have grown up have been fantastic but seen in very different ways. Harmless pranks that were once very funny are now being seen as horrible, premeditated acts of violence. The world has gone way overbaord!

I don't know what to say about the parents of the girl. They are going to have some serious issues with her as she gets into middle/high school. We have been down this road and at some point she is going to have to stand on her own two feet and know what to do and it just isn't going to happen with parents that enable her in every way. Sensitivity is fine but at some point don't you just want to scream, "Get Over It."

Good luck, the best thing I can tell you is to make sure you communicate with your son about all of it. Tell him about cause and affect and all of the different outcomes a situation can have, keeping it age appropriate of course.

I will be routing for your son, he sounds like a great kid.

A. - full time working mom with two girls ages 17 and 19.

I'm not really sure what cutting the kids off from each other accomplishes. If anything it teaches them there are no consequences for bad behavior, they don't have to work through hurtful situations and that they can hide from their problems. If they do not enjoy hanging out with each other anymore, fine, then it makes sense; but if they just fight/argue like siblings, then maybe they are closer than they appear. I'm an only child (as well as my little girl is) and I remember fighting with the friends I saw all the time. I think it's just part of growing up - however, so is learning to take responsibility of your actions.

Your son was in the wrong. I'm not sure where he learned that phrase (I'm glad he's saying "vagina" and not some other terms) but it was out of line - especially paired with trying to lift up her skirt. Would your reaction be the same if he had used derogatory terms instead? Just because he doesn't know worse words, doesn't mean it isn't just as hurtful to a little girl. He needs to understand that his body is his body and hers is hers and that what he did was completely inappropriate. You also say that she "recounted a series of mean things that were said to her" that weren't inappropriate. I can see why she was upset. Honestly, it was hurtful to hear your house is "filthy" over and over (and her mom should talk to her about why that was mean) but if that is truly all that was said, then why is all the mean things your son said being overlooked just because they weren't "inappropriate"?

He needs to apologize for what he said and did (whether or not they play together anymore) and who knows, maybe he'll get an apology in return. :-)

It amazing when you have a child that everyone else's parenting styles really stand out - good or bad. We have very close friends that we knew from before any of us had kids, and they parent completely differently than we would have imagined when we have similar beliefs, likes and dislikes. That's what makes their family theirs and ours ours. :-) I can't say if the other mom is overprotective or not, because really, it's your opinion on her. I don't think it matters if a mom is a SAHM, a WAHM (which I am) or a mom that works away from home. There will be overprotective parents that work away from home and lax parents that stay at home - and everything in between. However, if you really believe how they raise their daughter is detrimental to your beliefs and how you want your child to behave, then you either need to have a serious talk with her mom or dissolve the friendship.

I'm sure it is hard dealing with an over-sensitive child that is not yours on a regular basis (especially when you don't have as much control over the situation). And unfortunately, if the one reaction from her mom has always been to remove her from the situation, she's not going to learn how to deal with life anytime soon. What you can do, however; is implement rules in your own house. Make it clear what you expect from both your son and his friends when they are in your house. No name calling, keeping boundaries, no violence, etc.

Please re-think ending their friendship. Who knows, maybe you'll be that one person in her life that helps her learn how to cope in life instead of run from it. :-D

S.,
That girl has some severe deep emotional issues that has nothing to do with your son. Our neighbor girl had similar issues and now that she is older, she has been hospitalized and put on medication. (We tell our oldest who is now 8yrs that her brain isn't working right and the doctors are trying to fix it. He keeps quiet about the situation and leaves it alone.) If my son had said those words, I would most likely give him a consequence for the inappropriate words, but truly I would be cracking up in the other room. (Words out of the mouths of babes) At the 2nd grade age, kids learn a lot of different things and mostly from other kids in school. This happens a lot when classmates have older sibblings who are exposed to these type of things. Last year our oldest came home and flipped the middle finger at his little brother. I asked him where he learned that. He told me a classmate. I asked him if he knew what it meant and he told me the exact words. The student he learned this from has an older sibbling about 2-3 grades older.I've also been flipped off by a 6yr old who probably has no idea what it means.
The point is that kids learn things in school that they don't at home because of the exposure. It has nothing to do with bad parenting at all. In fact, your son is completely normal. Simply talking to him about his words being inappropriate should be enough. Setting consequences for future events should be addressed at the same time.
I wouldn't allow them to play anymore. That girl needs help because her mom keeping her from working out her issues is not helping but making things worse.
As for the cleanliness of the house, she can go to the moon. Anyone who works full time doesn't have time to keep a house like June Cleaver. As a full time stay at home mom, my house doesn't look like June Cleavers house either. I barely have the time to do laundry. I'm too busy with farm chores and kid activities. Obviously there are some issues there. Also, people say things out of pure hurt and frustration. Don't let it get to you.

Best wishes.

HAHAHAHA!!! I'm sorry, but that cracked me UP!!
Kids are curious, kids will look at each other (my son and the neighbor's son were checking each other out a month or so ago, one is cut, one is not) and it's just up to us as parents to let children know when something is not appropriate.
I am sure that you have sat down with your son and let him know that his privates are his, and everyone else's are everyone elses.
I don't know if I agree that the children should not play together, but if you do decide to let them play, then I would just keep a good watch, and ear, on them.
Personally, I can't STAND it when kids whine about stuff all the time, that little girl would probably drive me NUTS!! So, just know that if you do decide to let them play together (and the other mom is willing to let her daughter be subject to your son LOL) she will probably be offended by a lot of things. Is it worth it? Maybe just make some more play dates with kids in you kid's class, that way he wont feel like he needs to go and see the neighbor.
Besides, she almost has cooties, right?
Good luck mama....and KNOW that you are not a bad mama because your son said something innapropriate. My kids say stuff all the time, and I am a damn fine mama!! :)
L.

OKAY - I just had to add this on. OF COURSE HE KNOWS THAT WOMEN HAVE HAIRY VAGINAS!! He probably has seen his mom get out of the shower, or go to the bathroom or get dressed at some time in his life, so he knows there's some hair there. Good grief mama's...it's not that big of a deal, he certainly is NOT molesting her, and it's a lesson he has now learned. Geez, like some other mama said, things that kids say today are looked at as AWFUL and TRAUMATIZING, but when they were said years ago they were looked at as ...... kids

You are building character in this young boy and teaching him the lessons of life for his future. You need to show him what IS appropriate and that is to appologize for the "private" remark. Of course, after you have a discussion about it. Other comments about eachother are pretty common. I still remember when I was in kindergarten and a girl got mad at me and said my mom was a witch. I was shocked! She didn't even know my mom! and it will continue, BUT he still needs guidance about these things, and not just chalk it up to "kids just do that".

Hi S.,
It is normal for kids to repeat what they hear. This is why as parents, we need to protect their ears from hearing things we do not want them repeating. If he did not get this language from hearing you and your dh, then it is very important to find out where he heard it. Ask him where he learned that word, and what it means. Obviously, he knows what it means. He also needs to learn that it is not ok to look inside other people's clothes. Ask him if anybody looked or touched inside his underwear and explaine that that is not ok. Only his parents and the doctor can look there and only if you or daddy is there with the doctor. Tell him that if anybody looks or touches inside his underwear he needs to tell you right away. Reassure him that if someone does this and say not to tell or they will hurt him or you, he still must tell and that is the only way you can protect him. Let him know that he should not be looking at or touching anybody else inside their underwear. And tell him that if someone tries, that he should yell, "Stop! I don't like that!" Remind him of this every time he goes with someone other than you or dh. This is not a one time teaching thing. Tell him as often as is appropriate.

This might sound a little over the top, but it is not. I did this throughout my son's early childhood. Last year he joined Boy Scouts and now they have a booklet that parents have to read part and part with their son. I was happy that there was no new info there. I had already covered it over the years. The conversation evolves over the years to adjust to the child's age. But if you don't teach your son, he may end up a victim, or a perpetrator. Ignorance of the law doesn't get him off the hook for child molestation. If he was 11 and she was 8 things would look alot different right now. It is our jobs to set the boundaries and teach our children how to behave.

I had to snicker. Kids say the darndest things.
Well, no doubt this was a teachable moment for your son. He can no longer play with "Suzy Q" because of the comments he made. I am sure explaining that to him, he will realize that, while he probably did not understand what he was saying, his comment had a big negative impact.
I would have him apologize to the girl if he hasn't done so already. Let him know it will probably not change the situation, but it is the right thing to do.
As for the little girl's mom, it sounds like she is somewhat out of touch with reality and will probably continue to try to shield her daughter. Is that someone you want to continue to have a relationship with even if it is just arranging play dates? There would undoubtably be more conflict ahead if she is that protective.

Well it is obvious your son has picked this language up from somewhere. I would not be surprised if it was on the playground at school. My son has had the misfortune to learn some horrible language for a group of kids that lack filters so to speak. Did she happen to recount what she had said too? I doubt it. It sounds like she is being raised to be the victim. She can dish it but not take it and from what you are saying instead of her learning to deal, she gets taken away from the situation. It is very sad that this girl will never learn to cope. From what I have seen over the past years with my friends girls in middle and high school, it does not get easier. It can get very ugly and fast. And this things like myspace and texting, it can get very, very bad and her mother will not be able to protect her from that. How sad.

As for your issue with this family and the kids. I would just let your son know that for now since they cannot seem to get along, they need to take a break playing with each other. Maybe he can invite a friend over from school or something to help with it. We had to do this with our neighbor a few years ago. We just told our son their needs to be a break since they cannot seem to play without something happening and our son coming home upset over it. It only took about 2 weeks for them to really miss it and find a way to play nice. Still at 10 yrs old, they sometimes have some issues and we just keep them from playing for a bout a day or 2 to give them a breather from each other. If at some point the girl is begging to play, I would not let them until you have had a chance to talk to her mother. I would probably tell her that obviously the kids enjoy playing together. And both kids are guilty of saying terrible things to each other. And yes your son took it too far this time. But he in not alone in his guilt. And that if they are going to play together and if they start arguing that they will get a warning and then they will have to call it a day. That is what we have done in the past too. Once they start arguing we give them a warning to stop or play time is over. If it continues we send the kids home. Good luck.

My daughter is 8 and "plays" around with words all the time. She hears stuff at school and from neighbors. What your son is doing seems to be the same thing. Typical stuff.

When my daughter says inappropriate words,I ask her if she understands what they mean. Majority of the time, she doesn't know. I explain the words to her.

As for the friend, the 2 sound like they get along great. Too bad you have to split up their friendship. Would the other mom understand the your child is "playing" with words? When inappropriate words are used, you're trying to work with him. Sounds like the mom needs to "get a grip" on reality.

I'm a SAHM for now. I am however a former Kdg., 3rd grade, and 6th grade teacher. Good luck to ya

I'm sorry - I giggled.
While what he said was inappropriate it wasn't an inappropriate reaction. He was reacting to her name calling and unfortunately that is the first thing that came into his mind. It happens. You explain why he shouldn't say it and move on (at least that's how I do it). The looking up the dress thing is also normal(he made a statement he wasn't sure was true and then curiosity got the better of him) - but definitely should be addressed.
It sounds like the other Mom is overdoing it on the sheltering thing and her child is going to wind up not knowing how to cope with conflict or how to resolve a dispute.
It's not just your child pushing the limits. It's pretty much most children. That's what they do. It's our job to guide them and advise them when they have gone to far or show them alternatives.
Perhaps the kids could take a break from each other? Versus just being cut off completely. Perhaps when she comes to play they should be more closely supervised so when they do argue and adult is on hand to assist them with resolving the issue, hopefully avoiding the name calling??? You could also try stating the rules when she comes over. Reiterating your rules about name calling and that play time will immediately be halted or whatever discipline you think is appropriate.
Ignore the other Mother's comments/insinuations. My guess: she doesn't know you or your child well enough to make a comment like that and is making the comments as some form of defense mechanism (which is probably where her child got it from).

Hey S....
I'm sure you had a talk with your son about that not being appropriate conversation so dont worry about it! Kids are kids and say anything and everything. This weekend my 8 yr old nephew was using the word "cleavage" to mean foreign objects on the floor!! It was all 4 of my sons b-days and my house was packed with family and friends(including uptight in-laws) as Dylan was saying as loud as possible "look at all this cleavage in the living room!"...Most people know kids say innapropriate things once in awhile. As far as the neighbor girl is concerned I would let the other Mom decide if she wants them to be friends in the future and as far as I'm concerned you and your son would probably be better off not having to deal with that level of judgement, so to speak.

K.

I feel for your situation. There are a lot of parents in your neighborhood that may not know how to teach there children to express their feelings and try problem solving. Plus, to redirect inappropriate words and behavior with positive alternatives. "Silly words can't hurt my feelings" or "I feel hurt when you call my house filthy." etc. I have taught classes and unfortunately, your son learned a few inappropriate words and behaviors from neighborhood friends or older children. Just beware that it was sexual harassment, especially lifting her skirt. It sounds like you have done well with him writing an apology letter. I have also taught anger management and kids have been court ordered to attend classes due to saying or doing similar things in school. Kids are sponges and you can help them learn new ways to express themselves. What can we expect if they hang out with children from families that don't take this seriously enough. Better to help now, like you have, than to see kids in big trouble later. Good luck.

Hi S.! I realize that this neighbor girl is sensitive, and obviously would have reacted the same way whatever your son had said. But, that being said, I do think it was inappropriate for your son to talk about girls negatively using their body parts...it only sets him up to do it more in the future if you don't deal with it now. I know kids are curious about those parts,they are figuring it all out, but I would be afraid it could lead to him not respecting girls/females as he grows if he is using that language. I think he was out of line, and I would be upset if I were the little girls mother.

As some others did, I had a little giggle about this, but ONLY AFTER my initial shock of the comment and action. It's not so much what was said because like many have said already kids will be kids. But the fact he new EXACTLY where to look for said hairy area would reallllllllllllly concern me! Do you or your husband talk like that? I would assume not. You really need to find out where he heard that phrase and from whom. And I have learned after raising 3 that kids make new friends all the time. So dealing w/neurotic parents (however harsh this may sound) are expendable. It's not worth it. You won't change her overbearing protectiveness of her daughter. I'd get to the bottom and source of the comment, make him aware how inappropriate it was, have him apologize and move on.

Good Luck!!!

my opinion (key word opinion) is that if she doesnt get the fact that kids sometimes say things and explains to her daughter that kids will not alway be completely nice to her (she obviously isn't) then she is doing a disservice to her daughter. i agree that what your son said was a little inappropriate, but he probably doesn't really understand what he said and was just retaliating. i think that if you took your son to task the she should have did the same to her daughter and they can still be friends but if you are always the one having to appologize for every small offense then i would say no more playing together and get new friends.