7 Years Old Fears

My 7 YO daughter is afraid of a lot of things. I just tell her to go upstairs and let her know I am right behind her. I can remember being afraid as a kid also. I agree, I wouldn't push him or get upset with him. Talk about it, but allow him to get over it on his own.

What is he afraid of. The poor thing! If its a real fear of something I would not punish him but try to have more patients with him. He needs to be validated that he is really scared. Maybe you can take him to talk to someone so they can help.

Here's how you ease his fears -- help him through this phase.

It's a phase, he will grow out of it. He's only 8, you don't need to make a "man" out of him. Send his sister up with him, if it makes him feel better. Hold his hand and kiss him and tell him it will be okay and go up with him. Of course you shouldn't get "mad" because of his fear. That would be mean.

Stop "playing it tough," and be kind. Help him out and reassure him. Don't take away his privileges because he's afraid, for crying out loud.

My son was afraid of everything when he was little, and now he wants to jump out of airplanes. When he was little and afraid, I held him and hugged him and comforted him, I didn't try to force him to "face" his fears.

Step being a drill sergeant and be a nurturing mother. He's still a little boy.

Very intelligent creative children have pretty wild imaginations.

To him these fears are real..

Try to have him come up with solutions that do not disrupt everyone else. Let him know you understand he feels afraid, but that he will need to learn how to handle these situations.. ask him what would help..

Does he need a remote control to turn on his lights to his room? Our daughters room does not have a ceiling light, just lamps and so she has a remote control that turns them all on and all off.
Flashlight? Our daughter loved her flash light when she was little.
A Nerf bat to carry down the hallway. Our daughter used to carry a little bat if she was afraid of the thunder and lightening.
Walkie talkies or a baby monitor in the kitchen so he can hear you?

We also never had a dustruffle on our daughters bed, so that she could see underneath it..

If he can be part of the solution, he is more likely to get past this behavior.

I suggest that his fear is too extreme to expect it to go away without professional help. I urge you to talk with his pediatrician about it.

Have you ever sat down with him -- not when he is in the throes of screaming because he's scared but when thing are calm -- and actually asked him what it is he fears? I'm betting you have already and he couldn't tell you. That's frustrating for us adults but very, very typical for a young child. He doesn't know what the problem is; he only knows the emotion he feels.

But with some good questions from you, you both might be able to put some names to his fears. Also look at your home from his perspective, not your own adult perspective.

Did something happen that he hasn't told you about? It might be as simple as bumping his leg in the dark when he went to the bathroom in the nighttime, and now he is irrationally scared of the dark bathroom. You need to draw out from him whether something like that went on.

Is it dark upstairs? Does he have to turn on a light to go into the bathroom? Then leave a light on in there all the time. Cost pennies but could help hugely.

What's the art on your walls? Pictures of relatives? Other stuff? A young kid's imagination is very powerful. A picture of the beach that you love could contain a shadow that to him is a monster. Your adult mind won't get it, but please take his impressions seriously and remove anything that HE finds scary no matter what you think. Don't try to explain things like "The eyes of the person in that picture really are not following you! It doesn't happen. Look, see, they don't really move." Instead, just listen and say "I can see how that would feel scary" and remove the picture or other object that he finds frightening.

Walk through every inch of your home with him - not to explain away things that scare him but to listen to him and immediately change things that scare him. LIke I said -- at first he may say "I don't know what's scary, I'm just scared" so don't press him too hard, but do give him some power. He feels powerless. So leave lights on; go with him when he wants you to (it does not make him weak if you go with him -- he needs you, so be there). Walk through every room and ask him "What can we do to make this room friendly and not scary?" If he can't answer, come up with things yourself.

Consider getting an empty, clean spray bottle to fill with water and let him decorate with stickers -- anti-monster spray he can use to spray in the air before he enters a room. Work with him on creating his own "spell" he has permission to say or even yell when scared: "Get out of here, monsters! This is MY house!" or something like that. These things may seem silly but to him they could give him a feeling of control.

Do not scold him. Please do not continue to make him stand on the stairs "until he's ready to go up" to the point he's screaming -- why do that? It only shows him you don't believe he actually feels real fear, when it's totally real to him. Making him stand there is punishing him for an emotion, and doing that teaches him that he should not reveal emotions to mom. You don't want him to learn that lesson, do you?

I would not send his sister to be his keeper. It sets up a relationship where he feels belittled -- his younger sibling has to look after him when what he really wants is mom. His sister also will start to resent this. Keep her out of it. She either could end up teasing him or adopting his fears herself, later.

You don't say if this fear is limited to going places in your home or if he also is fearful at school or in other places. Does he have fears of places in his school? Does he get terrified in public places, at church, etc.? If so -- yes, he may need professional help.

One other thing -- your family may forbid scary TV or video games, but he's in school; other kids are telling him scary stuff and you cannot ever control that. I would talk to him about whether other kids are saying things that are making him scared at home. You may need to remind him that it is not "tattling" if he tells you what he's hearing at school -- he may clam up otherwise, fearing that he's ratting on friends if he tells you that "Bobby says there is a killer in the shower at his house that jumps out at him and I'm scared there's one here too" or kid things like that. He will be influenced (and scared) by things you cannot control, now that he is school-aged, so be aware that having a peaceful and violence-free home life is no longer going to shield him entirely.

I'm sorry, being afraid in your own home, to the point of crying and screaming, when you're nearly 8 years old is not normal, nor is it a phase.

It's normal at age 4. Not 8.

Have you asked him what he's afraid of? He's nearly 8, he should be able to tell you quite clearly what the problem is.

I think you should consider talking to his pediatrician. This extreme anxiety and fear is not normal in a child his age. It would be one thing if you were in a scary old house that isn't yours...but at home? Way abnormal to be afraid to go ANYWHERE in the house alone.

Stop losing your temper. That's not helping. Accept that he has fear in those situations..
Let him get dressed in the living room--who cares?
Get him O. of those headlight lamps from Lands End do it lights his way.
It's a phase.
Point out (nicely) after you accompany him that all is well.
Phases aren't logical or long lasting.

I have not read the other responses, but I would talk to your pediatrician about having him evaluated by a child therapist or psychiatrist. I know all kids go through phases of being afraid of the dark, afraid of spiders, etc. but what you are describing sounds beyond the normal scheme of things. You didn't say how long it's been going on for, if this is relatively recent or has been going on for some time, or if there was anything that happened that might have triggered this behavior - but I would consider professional help to to get down of the bottom of it and get him the help he needs.

As others have said, this sounds like an anxiety disorder, not something that can be disciplined away. I'm cautious about the rush to medicate young children, but I would recommend exploring the various causes -- it could be biological in nature (someone recommended PANDAS), he could benefit from counseling, or he might ultimately need anti-anxiety meds.

Good luck, and stay strong for your sweet, sensitive little boy.

I have to admit, that doesn't sound normal to me either (but I'm not an expert of any kind).

I would look at OCD, PANDAS (or PANS) - a strep related condition which can trigger OCD-ish symptoms, and anxiety-related issues.

Sometimes anxiety can have biological origins. Strep does not always manifest in a traditional way. Also, b-vitamin deficiencies can cause anxiety, as I understand it.

Again, I'm not a health care professional of any type . . . this is just my "mom" opinion based on some experience with my own kids.

Good luck - hope you can get it figured out. It can't be very pleasant for him to live that way.

Some one maybe at school must have said something about being broken into or he saw something on tv when you werent looking. We are a animal family and have always had a dog and cat. The dog is always there if she gets scared as they sometimes do we say dont worry the dog is there to let us know if there is anything to be aware of. She has never been scared as long as she knew the dog was in the house. The dog didn't need to follow her around just knowing the dog was in the house was enough. And you do not need to go out and get a pit bull. Labs or beagles are great but a smaller dog will work as well cause he can bark if anyone comes in the house.

This happened to the son of a friend of mine at about that age. You would have never guessed it to have known this child because he was, and still is, an extremely athletic and confident boy. He outgrew this phase eventually and yours will too.
I will say that I strongly believe that our kids internalize certain images that they are exposed to. They cannot recall these images as the source of the problem when asked but they are there behind the scenes of their mind scaring them. So really watch what he sees on TV and in video.

Sounds familiar. Contrary to what some posters have said, it is normal for his age. He is probably a sensitive child, so his fears will be stronger than others. He will grow out of it, but until he does there are some things you can try:
1) Talk through the scenario he is afraid of and try and get him to work out what the worst is that could happen. Ask leading questions: What might happen if you go to the bathroom alone? (A ghost might get me) What would happen if a ghost got you? etc. That helped my daughter at that age put a face to her fears which made them better. Telling him ghosts or monsters or whatever don't exist doesn't usually help. They are just placeholders for whatever he is feeling anxious about, something he is probably not even really aware of.

2) Help him take babysteps. If he can walk up the first step on his way upstairs alone, tell him you will come with him the rest of the way. Praise him for being brave enough to take the first step alone, and see if he can do two the next time.

3) The most important thing is not to belittle his fears. They are very real and based on underlying anxiety. Growing up is hard and scary sometimes. He sounds like a smart, sensitive little guy who is dealing with bad feelings the only way he knows how. I know from personal experience how frustrating it can be (my youngest wouldn't go to the toilet alone for a year when she was 8), but it will pass. By taking him seriously you are building a trusting relationship in which he is more likely to continue to share his feelings as he gets older.

Perfectly normal. In fact we had a 10 year old over for a play date today and she was afraid to go upstairs by herself to get her bag to leave without someone going with her. My 7 year old doesn't go up without anyone either and we just plan ahead. Every now and then he'll surprise me and run up by himself to get something, but most of the time he prefers to have someone up there with him. It's okay with me, although can sometimes be annoying when you just want them to run up to get something they need. Something that might help is to give him a goal and if he meets that goal, reward him with a jelly bean or some play time with you. We did that when my son was afraid to walk around his school by himself and it worked really well. I should try this for our house as well since we haven't done it in a while! I'd probably start small and ask him to go up for 20 seconds by himself and then reward him. Then maybe I'd give him an errand to go get something for me up there and reward him. Keep it small and simple at first and then increase the challenges with time. He'll get over it, if you are patient and work with him on it slowly. It's scary to be away from your family. When I was little I remember being afraid of our downstairs and I used to sprint up those stairs fast before the scary stuff got me. lol.

This happens to a lot of children around this age. The 7 and 8 year old is starting to realize life is just not what they thought it was and there is inner struggles coming to the surface.

At this age a good idea is to tell and read stories (memorizing and telling the story is far better - you may want to know a few and tell them again and again.) about saints and heroes, people that overcome challenges and such. This can go a long way. Delve into just one at a time and have him write a sentence or two or so about each one and draw pictures or paint pictures about the figure and story. Have a drawing pad just for this to make his own book about these heroes and saints. This can bring him into thinking and feeling with more balance. You don't want to moralize but just speak of the stories as they are. One reason this helps greatly is because at this age the child is beginning to act out and sense that there is a light side and a dark side to life and inside of their own self, but it's not something they understand or can articulate necessarily. This makes it difficult, this is the beginning of the inner conflicts we all have.

At this time of life the child is developing his emotional life which will continue until age 14. You may also want to think about having him help others outside of your home.

You said there are no evil spirits in your house, how do you know that? Has he said anything about spirits or such? Does he feel free to say these things? He may be sensing things you or the rest of the family doesn't. Have you gone up stairs with him and said, 'what is here you're afraid of?" Even if he's not sensing evil spirits, he could be sensing spirits or thoughts from around him that make him afraid. He could be afraid of his own thoughts, so to speak, when he's alone. At this age everything feels different. And children need their parents close and the warmth of their parents (mother) means everything.

I know it must be hard to deal with this when it's continual. But there has to be a reason that he doesn't want to be alone. Have you asked him why he doesn't want to be alone or how it feels when he's alone, or what he thinks will happen when he's alone, etc.? What does he say?

Just keep reassuring him and give him lots of hugs and warmth, this is cruial for him. Play some games with him to take him away from his worries. Even a card game with mom is a warm and fun thing for kids. You can even have one special night for this. This helps to bring balance as well. Does he have duties to do like cleaning his room, taking out trash, dusting, clearing the table, also creates balance. These kinds of things help to take him away from the focus of fear.

If it were my child, and I know it's not, I'd examine the whole way I do things and the family enviornment and see what needs to change and what needs to stay or be enhanced, I'd look for balance with it all and I'd find out what he's afraid of even when it's a normal part of life at this age. The stories I mentioned can do amazing things and so I'd be sure to make this a part of life. Look through the net for a good book with several stories or go to the library. Get involved yourself with these stories and pick out a few that you relate to and really know them.

I hope this helps. I know it must be hard to deal with. But if there are spirits, you'd need to know now than later. And you'd feel pretty bad if ya found out there are and you ignored his fears. Not saying there are, but it'd be a good idea to actually know. I've experienced these kinds of things many times over and I know it's not always pleasant and the worse thing is a parent not believing you. Your boy may be a sensitive for all you know. Well, again I hope this helps. Sending you warm hugs and all the best.

p.s. just noticed you're from Rochester, I lived there as a kid for a few years -- bet it's much different now

This is actually pretty typical for seven year olds...get the book "Your Seven Year Old, Life in a Minor Key" by Ames and Habner.

They have a book for each year of a child's life and other than being a bit dated in certain areas they are spot on for telling you what to expect each year of development in your child.

This group researched thousands of children to find out what was typical of each age group and to give parents and educators a "typical" view of a child at each age...seven is an anxious age.

I just got around to ordering the book on eight years olds as I have an eight year old son who was about to drive me totally batty...and found out that yes, the behavior is typical for the age and that it will get better just keep on parenting being firm and showing boundary and lots and lots of love and this too shall pass...

I have already ordered the books for nine and ten...I own all the series up to well age ten...they have been a huge help for me!!

Sending you a huge hug!!