Asking Husband to Stop Being Lazy and Help Out More

I suggest you read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. The fact is, the more you nag them, the less they will do around the house. Also, since you are a stay at home mom, you are also a homemaker, and the household chores are your responsibility. Complaining and being angry all the time is only going to make everyone miserable. Read the book and take her advice. It will help, I promise.

Hi, S.. I am sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch in your marriage. I can say I have heard this problem from so many other wives. I have the problem with my husband to a small degree. I can tell you that resentment is never going to help a marriage, and if you really want to see your marriage work, than you have to start appreciating your husband for what he does do. Men see their role as "bringing home the bacon." That is how they rate whether they are doing a good job. For us moms, we look to our kids and our home as a measure of our success. I would recommend asking your husband instead of expecting or telling him to do something in the evenings to help out. For example, say "Do you want to clean up the dinner dishes or give the kids a bath?" It is doubtful that he will say "neither." He will say one or the other. This shows him that you need him to help, but you are not nagging him. Make sure to thank him for doing what he chose. They will hardly ever thank us for what we do, so don't expect it. Men just don't get it, so we have to help them along. I understand how tired you are- I have a home daycare M-F, two kids, and a husband. He is like a third kid, as I believe most husbands are. But, I married him, I love him, good and bad, and I refuse to let obstacles get in the way of our marriage working. Remind your husband subtlely why you love him, and he will be more responsive to your wishes. I know we don't feel like being intimate with our husbands when they are not meeting our expectations. But, that is the main way they know we care, so sometimes we have to put those things aside and attend to them. Men need lots of attention, I have found out. If you have been extra tired and busy,he is probably feeling left out. Give him a little extra attention, and he might surprise you. Good luck and God bless!

Pick up everything, except for his stuff. Do not repeat requests to do things from him. If you two separate certain chores (i.e. taking out the garbage) and he does not do his part and he knows about it, just leave it till it gets really bad. My husband is terrible about picking up after himself. I once did not wash his laundry for a month because he kept leaving his clothing anywhere in the house. He finally asked me if I had done laundry, and I told him yes "I washed the laundry that was in the hamper". I did not argue with him or nag him, he then realized he needed to put his stuff in the proper area.

Hmmm... Where to start. I guess first of all, I would ignore anything Dr. Laura has to say. And if you are staying at home, that doesn't mean that you have to do everything around the house. Husband works 9 to 5 (or whatever) and the wife does too when she stays at home. Why should the wife continue to do all the work in the evening and let the husband be lazy???? This is in reference to one of the responses below. Ok, now that I got that little rant over with...

I have been married twice. Once to a lazy man who did nothing and didn't even work. And now married to a wonderful man who has a job AND helps out at home. It's amazing how much happier I am! I didn't know how to get hubby #1 to do anything around the house, but after I left him you know what he told me? He told me thank you for doing everything that I did when we were married. Once he was on his own, he realized the laundry does not do itself, the coffee table doesn't dust itself, etc. You DO feel like you have another kid when you have to deal with a lazy husband. It's NOT fun. I have a friend who has tried leaving her hubby's stuff on the floor like it's been suggested and I think it has worked for her off and on. It's like a kid though - they have to be reminded over and over again. Maybe some day they eventually get it.

I love the suggestion of giving him some options of what to do to help out. Changing your approach can make the biggest difference in getting what you want. Dr. Phil did a show on this a long time ago. Turn up your sweetness level and see what happens. When he does do something around the house, give him praise. (I know... we never get it back) but it makes him want to help out more. When you are happy, he is happy. If he hasn't figured this out yet - he will see it if you show him how happy you are when he helps out. Men are a lot like kids and they like good praise instead of being punished (aka no intimacy). I don't blame you at all for that, by the way! It's just not the right approach to having a happy marriage. The options approach and being sweet "Honey, would you mind helping little Johnny brush his teeth tonight?" "Sweetie, would you read Susie a book while I get the dishes done?" It works wonders.

If this does not work, I would suggest a marriage counselor. He may be depressed which is why he doesn't want to do anything. It could be stress at work, etc. Be sure to talk to each other every day and get down to how each other is truly feeling inside. Good luck, I know it's not easy. You can do it though! Remind him that you're a team and you can accomplish whatever you put your minds and hearts to.

Are we married to the same guy???

Read Dr. Laura? That's just crazy. Avoid Dr. Laura at all costs. I quit my job several years ago to stay at home with the kids, and we had the same problem. My husband also travels quite a bit, so he's used to maid service, and just leaving his stuff out wherever.
I think it's best to remind him when you're not angry at him, that, although you did agree to stay home and take care of the kids, he is not one of your kids, and you do not need to pick up after him. When my husband forgets this, I will clean up everyone else's stuff, and leave his where it is. Then he can see just how much of the mess he is generating. If he looks like the only pig in the house, it kind of shames him into helping out a little. Then I thank him for his help.

I have similar problems, so I feel your pain! Although I do agree with the idea that most of the household responsiblities lie on you b/c you stay at home, and although it might be your job to clean up, it is NOT to clean up AFTER your husband, who is perfectly capable of doing that for himself! There is a BIG difference that I think a lot of men find it difficult to see.

My only real advice, b/c like I said, I hear you...is to maybe make lists. If you list things out for bedtime routine, etc. maybe your husband can visually see all the things that need to be done like brushing teeth, putting their clothes in the hamper, etc. and can 'check' them off as he goes. Then maybe he'll feel like he knows what to do, he can do it and you won't have to nag him. You may even want to make lists for lots of things you do during the day and show him hey look, I did these lists for myself to help keep me organized, blah, blah...so then he won't feel like you're treating him like a child and it will look like you do it too! Just a though...hope it helps, I know it can be frustrating.