At a Loss on How to Stop Fighting Between My 2 Older Kids

Have you tried separating them? (rather than punishing the oldest, even if it is his fault) When my boys start to fight (and really, most siblings do this to some extent), I usually just end whatever activity they are doing and have them go to different parts of the house. My boys share a room, so one off them can go there and the other can be in the living room. Or they can both go outside. If they really can't get a long, I give them something specific to do. Sometimes it's a chore. Other times I suggest a book or legos or whatever.

I'm not at all suggesting it's easy or it doesn't get on my nerves, because it absolutely isn't easy and definitely does get on my nerves! But I've found more success when I stay calm and just shake things up a bit with separation or new activities. Sometimes they'll be back to playing together and laughing within minutes.

i would sit down with him and discuss it like the young adult he is soon to become. be very calm and logical. tell him simply and forthrightly that this is a situation that cannot continue. solicit his help in solving it.

you may be surprised at some of the draconian consequences he comes up with for himself.

doesn't mean he gets the final say. but give him A say. you want him to become a problem solver, not just a child whose solutions have been dictated to him.

the two of you together hash out a plan. then stick to it. no more flailing about, and no more caving.

he may well be (or soon will be) big enough to plop in the front seat. that will solve a lot of your problems right out of the gate.

your 8 year old needs similar boundaries, i'm not leaving her out of the equation, but your boy sounds like the main cause of the drama so start there.

and make sure to build in some rewards. if he goes a week without being a little asshat, get a babysitter and take him to the movies. being a single mom of 3 must be pretty overwhelming, but since this is the row you're hoeing, hoe it well. that means some one on one with each kid. they absolutely need it.

when you enlist a kid's help in keeping the family unit functioning they can often be surprisingly creative.

good luck to you!
khairete
S.

From reading your profile, where your ex was abusive, I wonder if he's picked up some behavior issues from observing what went on. He's probably acting out from hurt and upset.

If that's the case, you may want to try some counseling for him. You might benefit from a couple of sessions on how to parent him. I went for one of mine who was moody and just causing tension around our family.

I separated him from the rest when he needed downtime. That's how we approached it and the counselor felt that was the right method. It worked. It still does now that he's older. You can join us for pizza night, game night, TV night, playing (backyard), etc. when you can be respectful and kind. Otherwise, not.

I personally find that works way better than spankings or taking toys.

At the very least, separate them. Be sure to be fair. If daughter is part of it, deal with her as well - otherwise your son will feel more hurt/upset.

You must be going through an awful lot - all of you. Best to you and I hope it gets easier. No chance you could buy a van? He'll be up front soon enough :)

Many years ago, I sat my children down and told them we needed a sibling constitution. It is a list of rules they created that they had to abide by. Because they created the rules, they followed them.
Those rules are:
We promise to:
Take turns and share.
Never borrow without asking.
Return borrowed items in the condition they started in.
Respect each other’s privacy.
Always knock before entering.
Be kind. Always.

We also had a set of house rules they had to follow. We created those together. Those include:
Don’t shame your mother.
Do not hit.
Do not misbehave in the car - ever.
Always wear a seatbelt.
No yelling inside the house.
Always tell Mom or Dad where you are going.
Schoolwork comes first. Always do your best!
When in doubt, refer to rule 1.
Those rules had instant consequences.
If they bickered, as children are known to do, I’d put a puzzle on the dining room table and tell them they had to sit together and put it together without talking. I’d make them sit and work on it for 15 minutes or so. They were so mad at me, that they forgot to be angry with each other. I’d go in and tell them they could leave. More often than not, they’d stay longer and work on the puzzle. As they got older the puzzles got more complex...
You need to think outside the box. Your children feel displaced by the new baby. They need your attention. Take them individually and do something once a week - even if it’s a trip to the grocery store.
YMMV

I think your son needs some activities and pursuits of his own. Look at your local rec center and sign him up for some sports or clubs with boys his own age. Maybe there is a catalog with a number of things you can look at together. Have him pick a few things. If he is reluctant, tell him he can pick, or you will pick for him. Your 8 year old would certainly benefit from having her own activities as well. Look at the YMCA, swimming lessons, sports, yoga, camps, field trips, etc. Stop by your elementary school office, and ask if they have any other resources. Sometimes they have summer programs that include some academics, but also a good amount of activities and field trips just for fun. If he has no strong male role model, what about Big Brother/Big Sister to look into? Or if you does have good men in his life, can you ask any of them to take some time with him, like a once a week outing? Try as much to keep your oldest kids separated for awhile. I think I would put away the games he cheats at, and keep only non-competitive toys around your house. If he can get along with his siblings better, you could consider allowing him to invite a friend over to your house. It can be kind of like a reward and also a good way for him to keep busy in play that doesn't involve his sisters. You could do the same with your 8 year old. My kids at that age use to love having friends over, or when I would take them with a friend to the pool or movie, or zoo, it was a big treat. When they were fighting I would tell them if they can't get along within their own family, they would not be allowed to invite someone else to spend time with us, which helped sometimes.

Separate them.
Get a sitter to leave some of them home when you have to go out.
As a single parent - baby sitters are indispensable and you need to find some.

At 10 years old my son was over 5 feet tall - size of small adult - and could sit in front passenger seat.
It's either that or get a minivan so someone can sit in the 3rd row seat.
You are not going to be able to fit all 3 kids in one row of seats for very much longer.
Also at 10 - our son could stay home alone for a short time - an hour or two - if I had to run a quick errand.
If you have a baby - where's the father?
Can he not watch some of the kids - or at least his daughter - for short periods of time?
What did you think was going to happen when you had another baby?
Didn't you think about how the kids would interact when space, time and attention gets divided up when another child gets added into the mix?

Caving in to your eldest has taught him how to get his way.
You are going to have a hard time getting him to believe you now when you tell him 'No'.

You have to tell the kids that fighting in the car stops now - and you will not tolerate it a second longer.
It's dangerous - distracting to the driver - it could get you all killed - and you will pull over and park every single time.
You will also turn around and go home and cancel the outing altogether.
You expect they will sit quietly from the moment they get into the car until they arrive at your destination - and you will accept nothing less.

You've been given some excellent ideas, but I'll suggest, additionally, that you enroll your son in a martial arts or karate class (Tae Kwon Do, etc; I'm not sure of the proper names for the types of classes). There should be one at a YMCA or a rec center. There he will get the chance to use his energy, focus his anger, learn discipline, and learn about hitting and attacking (they aren't for using against siblings, they are controlled and used in self defense).

He sounds very frustrated and angry. Does he see his father? Does he express anger in words to you? Try talking to him alone, quietly.

He is old enough to know right from wrong at this age. Have you tried sitting down and having a candid conversation. Instead of reprimanding or yelling at him ("Stop fighting around your baby sister!"), explain how it hurts you ("It really scares me or makes me sad when you xxxx.") But I'm wondering if the root of the issue is something bigger than may come out in a conversation or two (or three...). I would definitely get them in some extra curricular activities - probably not violent ones if hitting is an issue.

I'm sorry to tell you this but your son is a bully. I feel your daughter has every right to stand up to him.
I recommend you find a mentor for him. He needs a strong male who can show him a man can be gentle and still be a man. Get him involved in martial arts, scouting, Big Brothers or a similar organization. The reason discipline is not working is because he has no respect for you or his sister. Apparently he has the view that women and girls do not deserve respect.
He is 10 now and I assume in 5th grade. He is still small enough for you to handle psychically if necessary but another year or two and he will be stronger than you are and possibly taller and heavier. Get a handle on this NOW.

I do think they are upset about the new baby and are trying to get attention by fighting. I would ask them about it ,in a nice way.When they fight, I would tell both of them I don't care who started it , but if they can't play together nicely they can't play together at all. I think sports or some activity might help them play better with others as well.

This may be really hard for you as a single mom, but I find my kids are much nicer to one another when I am able to do special one-on-one time with each of them as often as possible. It doesn't have to be a long time. It could be just a few minutes. One of my daughters always wants to show me her Minecraft worlds, so we do that for 5 mins several afternoons a week. My other daughter likes to read Harry Potter to me. So we do that for 5 mins. It is really hard to carve out the time, but it's well worth it.