At My Wits End with Behavior Problem @ School

I promise you this was me about 6 months ago. And still me a few days out of the month.

I had the same problem when my 7y/o (now 8) was acting up in her 1st grade class. I didn't understand why or how this behavior came about, because she was perfect in her previous year (grade K). Perfect grades and conduct. But oh, come 1st grade and the teachers were calling every other day, notes daily, and referrals at least once a week.

Finally I took her to the pediatrician, who informed me she had ADHD. And I cried like a baby because I just knew he was trying to tell me my baby was mentally ill or something. But putting her on Concerta (med for ADHD) I haven't had anymore problems (except when she misses a dose). I am not trying to tell you that your child needs medication, I never wanted my kids on nothing but a Flinstone. But for some reason THIS is the only thing that works for us.

Maybe he's bored. Maybe you should insist on having him tested for a higher lever class. Please don't let the school push you into putting your child on drugs because he talks too much. That is NOT ADD or ADHD!!! Talk to him about his feelings in a comfortable setting...not when he's done something bad and is getting punished. Also, this may sound dumb, but do you sit down to have dinner together?? That is really a great time to talk about the day with the family and get thieir opinions.

Have you ever considered homeschooling? It sounds like your son is very bright. He's probably bored at school. My very bright 11 yo son needs to pace and talk through what he's thinking about, even if he's just talking out loud to himself! Your son is most likely angry because he's getting in trouble all the time. Think about it, he gets into trouble at school, his teacher turns the whole class against him by punishing them all for his perceived 'bad' behaviour. Then he comes home and you get mad and punish him also. Add on to that the health problems and moving often. Sounds like he could use some extra lovin' and one-on-one time with you.

And, don't get me wrong, I'm not talking down to you. I also have a 9 yo boy who has some issues that put me at my wits end at times. I just know what a lot of kids go through at school and I know we're happier since I pulled mine out of school. They are only young once, and they can always go back to school in high school and college, when they are more mature and able to control their behavior.

JMHO,
C.

My son will be 11 in January. Behavior during school and home has always been an issue. He has ADHD and takes 35 mg of Conserta. We have tried about every prescription out there and various dosages. We like the Conserta and the dosage. He still has some problems but they can be redirected with motivation or repremanding bad behavior.... for the most part. It is an on going struggle though. My other son is in kindergarten and may be showing signs of ADD (without the hyperactivity). We shall see how it all works out. Talk to your school and the counselor and see what they recommend. Also... find parents who share the same struggles... talking about it really helps because we find out that our kids are not the only ones struggling. Feel free to e-mail me at ____@____.com

I went thru something similar with my daughter. Sounds sort of like he is bored. And when kids are bored they can get very frustrated and angry because they have to 'wait' for everyone else.( and we all know how patient kids can be LOL) Ask his teachers if there is 'challenge' work that he can do when he is done with his regular work or maybe he can help the teacher pass out papers. My daughter is a HUGE chatter box and I talked with her teachers at open house and warned them of this.( when she finishes her work she wants to talk to others and 'help' them with their work) They suggested that she bring in a reading book that she could read when she was done with her work. Now that they know what level each kid is at in class, she is now also 'tutoring' the other kids in class that are having trouble.( at the teachers request of course) It worked out really well for her. So I'd say schedule a meeting with his teachers and maybe even the guidance counselor to see if maybe they can evaulate him to see if he is not being challenged enough. Good luck.

Hi M.. I think your son probably is bored and I agree with everyone elses advice. However, I do believe that ADHD, for the most part is a perceived problem. I really believe that our children are wired diffrently than we are and learn in a very different way than we did. ADHD is becoming epidemic because the old school model doesn't work anymore, so instead of changing the model, our kids are being drugged into submission. ADHD really means "exceptional" and I think they should be treated as such. I suggest you let your son know that he is exceptional, and that although there are rules to be followed at school, you and his teacher need his help in coming up with a solution because his behavior is disruptive to his class. Ask him if he is bored and what he would like to be doing if he could choose. Is there anything he can do outside of the classroom that meets his particular talents and interests? This may help break up the monotony for him and give him the stimulation he needs.

All the best,
E.

I would definitely agree counseling of some sort is in the cards right now. He has easily had more to deal with than the "average" 9-year old. Also, you discussed some of the problems he's had. Because you said he was very smart, I wonder if you've had him evaluated for giftedness. Sounds an awful lot like boredom to me. He may not even know if that's the problem, but have you tried ASKING him? There could be a million issues going on, but sometimes even a 9-year old can help pinpoint the problem. I'm not sure why it is that the school itself has not become involved but, since I take it he's in public school, I guess I'm not too surprised. They are pretty overwhelmed in most schools. That's no excuse, just a fact. But I'd be worried at this point about the ridiculous labels kids wind up with because of behavior. If they haven't already, the term "ADHD" is bound to be thrown at you soon. Even if he doesn't have it. Just some thoughts. Good luck.

dear M. k,
my son is no 17 but when he was about 8 he started having the same symptoms that you are describing with your son. i, like you, was at my wits end. i went to his pediatrician and they acutally were the ones who recommended to have him tested for add/adhd. it is a long process, involving you, and his teachers. but once there is a diagnosis, you can then deal with whatever issues he is having. my son is still not eating certain foods but he is no longer on medication and he is doing wonderful. they usually treat with a combination of medication,positive reinforcement, behavior management and low sugar, no red dye, diet. it sounds more complicated then it is but the difference is well worth it. my son is a different kid then he was at 8. good luck and please keep me posted.
from,
T. k

maybe he is bored! has he ever been IQ tested ? maybe he needs to be more mentally stimulated in school ! i think when this happens people automatically start crying ADD ADHD... or whatever... but it might just be he is bored ! I didnt see where you are located.. but in Sarasota county there is a public school for the gifted Pine VIew which is very good.. you may need it ! and hey its free... plus they bus kids in from all over hte county !! there may be something similar in your area !! Good luck !

Hello. Your son may be having feelings that you don't know about. He may be distressed about the moves or worried about his surgeries. Young kids don't really know how to say "this makes me mad, sad, unhappy, angry" or "I am scared of that". He may be trying to get your attention. My little sister is 6 years old. Last year my parents home burnt down so they had to move to temp housing until the house was built again. When they moved back in there were constantly people in and out and always people working on "fixing" anything that was unfinished. It put a lot of stress on everyone. Then, last month their house was broke into and everything was stolen. After the fire my little sister started to get warnings and check-marks at school (check marks are bad at her school) for talking out or not paying attention. Then, after the burglery she started giving everything she owned away to other people. For example: if she finished reading a book - instead of putting it back on the shelf she would give it to a friend (I dont mean just hand it to them..I mean she gave it away to get it out of the house). I told my Mom that maybe she was scared that if she didn't give it away someone would steal it. Though she never expressed any feelings about the events - she acted out. Maybe this is the same type of thing your son is going through. I would suggest telling him to write a letter telling you exactly how he feels about everything. Let him know that you aren't going to judge him or get mad or anything. My Mom did this for me when I was younger. I was allowed to say ANYTHING and she would not say a word to me about it. She would just read and then she knew how I felt. Sometimes it is easier to express true feelings in writing instead of having to talk about it. If you haven't already explained to the school what all your son has to deal with (as far as his health and the frequent moving) I would do that. Only because every school has a counselor and the counselor may be able to find a good solution for the problems at school. Like maybe he could go and talk to him/her to get some of his chatiness out of his system.

Let me know if any of that helps.

Good luck.

Getting him tested and talking to his pediatrician are the best options. It might be stress, adjustment to change, or it could be something else. My husband had the same problems at this age in school and at home. He was tested because his teachers thought he was a slow learner and might have had a learning disability. What the test revealed was that he had a very high IQ, top 20% of the country. What this meant was he wasn't just bored and unchallenged, but like kids with learning disabilities, people with high IQ's learn differently and need to be taught by teachers that are trained to teach them. Sound expensive? Well, private lessons are, but there are a lot of grants available for lower income families with gifted children. Also, the public school that your son is attended is required by law to meet your child’s educational needs. This is expensive for the school, so a lot of these kids are swept under the rug. If you are not satisfied with the school’s conclusion, than my advice is that the expense is worth having your child tested independently of the school system so you get an unbiased opinion. Your pediatrician can help guide you through this process or point you in the right direction.
I hope this helps you in some way or another. Good Luck.

from the teacher point of view ( I teach elem edu) It sounds like 2 things, He is starting to realize that he DOES have a lot going on and is not sure how to handle it. at this age they become much more aware of their situations and how others react to them. I would try talking to himk about his feelings and how thignsa re going in school form his point of view. Let him do most of the talking. If this does not work, beofer you pay for counsling... I would talk to the counsler at school, they are trained for this too and would be a gret resource.

the second thing it sounds like he may need some academic testing. I am a gifted teacher and he sounds to be demonstrating some traits. How are his grades? Hav you ever talked to his teachers about this? Again, talk to the schools guidance department and maybe have them do a gifted checklist.

I hope this helps, feel free to email me if you want to talk further :)

well M. i am very familiar with ur hole situation i myself have the same problem. my son is 9 and it started when he was a baby and he got kicked out of about 8 daycares then it escalated to school in kindergarten he committed 3 felonies and i kept asking and asking the school for help like special classes or something. i am a nurse and lost several jobs from taking him to this doctor and this one and from picking him up from school cuz of his behavior. now he is nine ha failed twice and now they are just trying to get him in special classes. the diagnosis for him at first was adhd and now its bipolar too. some people say bipolar is rare in kids but his father was a drug user and it passed through me to him and he takes medicine to control it and he has calmed down alot but when he is with his dad and his dad doesn't give him his medicine right then it starts up again. if i can i will help u as much as i know how too and since u r in my area if u like u can call me as well. ###-###-####
also u should make an appointment with camelot they r very good for counseling and they go to the school and to the home the only thing is there office is in eustice so its pretty far but u only have to go the beginning once.

Sounds like he may be stressed or he may just be bored at school. If he is intellectually ahead of his other classmates then he may just be bored and not challenged enough. How are his grades? Is he completing the work to a satisfactory level? I would probably talk to your pediatrician and just tell him what you said here. He may recomend some counseling or some testing but at least you are talking to a professional. Also does your some have a school counselor? You could also talk to them or talk to the school counselor about your concerns and then talk to the pediatrician.

Not much help I know. Good luck and stay strong. Also good for you for trying to take care of the problem instead of just deciding to make the school deal with it.

M.

I took an adoption class a little while back and one thing the professor told us was quite profound to me. She said that a child that has moved a lot, or who has a lot on their "plate, lashes out. THey do not know HOW to channel or control their feelings. So, they could bite or scratch a child - even when they are happy. They've not yet learned how to describe their feelings.

Considering all he is going through with the surgeries and doctor visits, etc., I would HIGHLY recommend child counseling for him. HOWEVER, be VERY careful about the counseling. If you are a member of a church, call your pastor and see whom they recommend. You may want to get him evaluated for ADHD. Some children with ADHD are QUITE chatty, and even have anger issues because they are a ball of energy!!! I am 34 and have A.D.D. and can tell you first hand that it is VERY real. Some parents try to claim their children are ADHD when all it truly is - is a behavioral problem. Sounds like to me that you've tried everything and nothing is working. Speak to his pediatrician about referrals to have him tested. There are medicines that can be administered at a VERY LOW DOSE to "level him out". I am thankful I finally went and got checked out this year. It's like my eyes can see and process things very clearly now.

Best of luck to you.

Does his teacher feel there's a reason to have him evaluated for something? I taught elementary school before having my kids and there are just some kids that like to talk a lot. I was one of those and almost every report card I got, the only complaint was that I talked too much. I suggest setting up a conference with the teacher and ask that the guidance counselor be there. Discuss this with them. Discuss the anger problem too. Maybe the guidance counselor can help with that too.

You could also set up a behavior system with the teacher. I did this with some students. Eacy day I sent home a piece of paper with a smiley or frown face on it. If there was a frown face, I'd write a quick note telling why. The parents came up with what he got if he got a smiley or frown. Usually, they'd just make a big deal about the smiley with lots of encouragement. If they got a frown, they'd take away something like video games, tv, going outside, etc. for the evening. You could also do something special, like ice cream, if he brought home smileys all week. I found this to be really successful. After awhile, we went to a weekly note. Eventually it wasn't needed.

L.

Dear M.,

I have a nine year-old too and in the beginning of every school year we have this problem. I would like to share my story with you. Ever since he was in K we have had issues with his chattering. We were told that they would test him for gifted, but the school he was in did not have a gifted program so as the year progressed it got worse and they singled him out and made him sit next to the teacher and his 1st grade teacher was so instant that he had ADHD. I knew better, but I entertained them and took him to the doctors and they told me my son was one of the smartest and most in control of his action 6 year olds they have ever met. Every year we go through the same thing over and over and I go and meet with the teachers with my son and reassure him that I care deeply about his performance in school, sometime I have to go periodicaly if he starts to act up and he is very very smart. He just loves attention. I have been doing alot of research on his age group because I too notice that he is changing. They say that his age group has alot of pressure on them and that they are going through the changes of preteen. They call them tweens. I just give him lots of love and sttention and try to remember what I was like in the 4th grade and then I remember that he is just like I was. I do not know if this helps but just know that you are not alone.