Attachment Parenting Advice

Hi C.,

What wonderful, eloquent advice you have been given :)
I also practiced attachment parenting. I would only add my agreement on the importance of giving him the opportunity to learn self soothing skills, in particular if you will be leaving him for any length of time with someone else(going out with hubby ect)when he will need to sleep. I didn't with my first one and made it harder on both of us than it needed to be - even being a stay at home mom.
This is very stressful for them to be tired and not be able to settle and sleep because they haven't learned to drift off without you.
As a childcare provider, I see it first hand and this is where the crying comes in......as I work to establish a sleeping routine for "us". It really only takes a solid week, if I have them every day but it is h*** o* them until they learn to feel safe and be comforted by someone else as well.

First of all, if you're baby is only 3 weeks old, PLEASE don't worry about scrubbing floors and let someone else do the heavy lifting at home. For now, you should really be napping as much as possible yourself when your baby is napping.

If you're just concerned about how you'll accomplish these things in the future, know that everything about your life will change over and over again as your child grows. The way life is today will be different in another three weeks, again in another three months, and yet again in another three years.

I have two children, ages four and one. We've never had a crib or a monitor, but we live in a small single-story house, so I could hear what was happening...even those little early stirring sounds babies make before they start to cry. I also, like many moms, "just knew" when my babies needed me. Trust yourself and that same instinct will develop. When I woke up from a nap with my children (okay, I really didn't get to nap nearly as much with my second!) and wanted to get out of bed, I left the baby in bed and went about my business. If you feel you won't be able to hear your baby, you might consider getting a monitor (look on craigslist.com for a used one if cost is a consideration).

It is hard, practicing attachment parenting with extended family far away and in the isolation many of us experience as stay-at-home parents in neighborhoods that are empty during the day. Look into finding a local community of like-minded parents. If you're in the Portland metro area, check out the following Yahoo groups:

Attachment Parenting discussion group--here you can get to know other local AP moms. They have a playgroup on Tuesdays, I believe.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/API-Portland

Gentle Guidance was started by AP parents with older children.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GentleGuidance

I started the Eastside Playgroup...we're East Portland AP families that meet for playdates, nature walks, moms "time out" activities, and family gatherings.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/eastside_playgroup

For more info about babywearing, check out the Portland "nine in, nine out" discussion group.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/pdxNINO

Also, you might consider attending La Leche League meetings, where you will get terrific non-judgmental mom-to-mom support not only for breastfeeding, but also for AP generally.

Finally, check out this great article at Mothering Magazine, Finding Your Tribe: Feed Your Soul While You Feed Your Kids. Couple friends and I are doing this, going to one another's houses, helping with the kids and housework, doing projects together and basically whatever we can do better together than we can do on our own. It's a great way to draw closer to people and get things done!
http://www.mothering.com/articles/body_soul/inspiration/f...
(If that link doesn't work, try this: http://tinyurl.com/6565b)

Best!
C.

There are just going to be times when you have to put him down. As nice as being able to always hold them is, it's just not practical. Not to mention babies need some time to be independent, otherwise they'll be expecting you to hold them 24/7 when they are toddlers too. Also, leaving them on their own for little bits of time allows them to discover things they cannot discover when they are always held and wrapped up and it allows them to develop their muscles and skills. Being constantly held may delay some developmental skills I've read. I did not practice AP though my son liked to be held a lot so I did hold him a lot and I have no problem with AP, but don't over do it. As far as cooking while holding a baby, that's just not safe and I highly recommend you don't do that for the safety of your baby. Or drink hot beverages while holding your baby - we are after all only human, we do make mistakes, have accidents, and you don't want anything to happen to your precious baby. I don't believe in "crying it out" either. Congratulation on your brand new bundle of joy - they change your life so much for the better. My son is 16 months old and I've been dreaming of the next baby since he was weeks old. :)

I'm not sure why you got advice against what you were seeking! Seems some people don't mind telling what you didn't ask for.

Don't listen to the talk about delayed physical developments from being held too much. Just listen to your baby and follow his cues. Meet his needs and you will do just fine.

I held my son all the time, he just wouldn't have it any other way! We always co-slept and BF (still do both and he is 2.5). I did put him in a bouncer or swing (at 4wks or so) to get things done when I couldn't hold him (mainly I ignored housework!) but he only tolerated it for about 10 minutes, maybe 20 closer to 4 mos old.

Yes, you do have to help them get their wings. Tummy time is important once he can hold his head up, but stop when he is done. You'll know when. I put my son on the floor for a few minutes each day (remember I held him all the time and slept with him even for naps) and he was crawling by 5 mos! Going up stairs at 7 mos! Walking by 9 mos! He could talk (mama, dada, kitty) and sign ("milk") at 6 mos and said 100 words by 12 mos. I saw no delay!!! Maybe he is special, but aren't they all?! He is pretty independent now and sensitive to other kids and their feelings. He rarely throws tantrums on the floor.

I say do what feels right and find a tribe of local women who are raising their kids the same way. It's nice to have support and comraderie. (Are you on the east side or west side of PDX?I also saw your post to the API-yahoo group! It's all about support over there! And we meet in person too!)

I just have a thought about this kind of child rearing. First off, let me say that I know nothing further than what was in your message about attachment parenting. And I'm not in any way shape or form advocating not using this method, or suggesting that the kids raised by this particular tribe aren't healthy, whole and well-adjusted. My immediate concern would be, that unfortuneatly, we don't live our whole lives in the same type of environment as the people in this tribe. Will it be possible or even feasible for your child to continue with the attachment parenting as he grows?? Will this type of parenting allow for him to easily take his place in society as he grows?? Meaning will he be in some type of childcare out side of your own?? and will they be respectful and able to continue with the type of child rearing you've started?? And from the standpoint of having 8 kids ages 19 to 2 years, who are all well-adjusted, social, and extremely independent, I would have to state that my immediate thought is that there is nothing wrong with letting a child (obviously not a few weeks old, but more as we get into the several months old age range) figure out that not every single one of their demands needs to be or should be met at the exact moment that it occurs to them. This kind of training starts early on, and it could make for some very rough preteen and teenage years is your child grows up thinking this is so. I wish you the best of luck with whichever type of child rearing you choose. And please keep us posted here with your successes, I personally would love to hear your progress. And am truly interested to see if there might have been a better or earier way than I have done it. God Bless. D.

My oldest child is now 19 and in college. When I attempted to use the "Bradley Method" of visualization back in the day, I was met with resistance. Also, when she was born it was put them to sleep on stomach or side to avoid SIDS...now it's "back to sleep"...

My youngest just turned 8 (I have 4) my point is, you will read many things and trends will come and go but just infuse your own common sense and intuition with anything you read or see or hear. For example, with my second child, I did the shared bed and nurse on demand. Let me tell you a scary thing: I awoke and could not locate my infant (about 4 weeks of age). He had slipped into the sheet that was tucked in and was on the side of my mattress!!! I am not a heavy sleeper! He might have been smothered!

So, I adjusted and put him in a bed that was mattress height and touching my side of the bed. I could have my hand in with him and hear him well and did pull him into bed to nurse. As my kids got older and stronger, I did sleep with them more often.

As for cooking while holding a child, never a good idea.

In all you read there may be a nugget of sense you can relate to and personalize. For instance, self soothing is an invaluable tool. What if you have more than one child?

I would put baby in infant seat near my shower or bath. Slippery babies are awkward and bathing yourself while attempting to hold onto one is dangerous.

Just practice being true to your goals while making allowances for safety and common sense. There is no perfect way and I know of no one who was able to 100% comply with any of their lofty and noble goals for their children. Just do your best!

Also, keep in mind that you must adjust for your child's unique personality. What works quite well for one, may not for the next.

I'm not at all disagreeing with your choice of parenting styles, but I have to strongly encourage you to think about what you are going to do with a child that is a year old and wants to be held all the time. You sound like a very loving parent that wants to give your child the best of your love and that's great. However, I have worked with parents that have sounded a lot like what you describe and I have seen how it can turn out. I have watched babies be tested for disablities simply because they were held too much to learn how to crawl and walk by the time they were two. I have also seen them be labeled as autistic or even "mildly DD" because they didn't know how to communicate feelings suck as "I want...". Don't get me wrong, I have 4 kids and would love to do away with "I want" any given day, but kids also need to learn to express those types of things as well as learning how to handle not getting things right when they want it. Part of the cycle of "continuum concept" that you speak of is exactly that... they learn that if they cry, they get their needs met. It's very important that they learn this give and take. Trust me, I have 3 that never learned it and I am now trying to teach it to them at 11, 10 and 8... I've been trying since I walked into their life almost 4 years ago.
I am only trying to encourage you to make sure you are well educated not by books, but by real human experience... maybe join a mothers of babies group where you can actually meet the moms and babies to see how things have turned out, what they do, etc. Good luck.

I'm all for attachment parenting myself, but I also believe that every set of rules has to be bent to make it work for you and your family. I've read and I believe that when a child does cry to let you know something and you do respond, that it's teaching them you will be there to help them when they call out for help. So there's nothing wrong with a little cry every now and then to let you know they need something. It's like not letting them talk per se, they cry because it's the only way they can communicate at this stage. It's also healthy for you to not have your child attached to you 110% of the time. Clean the floors while he's sleeping for instance, or let him have some much needed tummy time a foot outside of the room where you're cleaning maybe. Find your balance, and best of luck to you and your precious family!

i did ap and it was great and tough you do slowly get into putting the baby down to do more things as they get older i had alot of trouble with figuring out the sling so thatit didn't hurt me (i had a c section and was on bed rest for aprox 8wks) and she hated the baby bjorn style packs she wanted to see everything even at 4wks. so I had a swing and when I need some time while she was asleep I set her up in that wherever I was so that I immediatly knew when she was awake I nursed on cue and she rarely cried after we got settled in. she is 2 and still sleeps with us in our room but has moved to her own bed and is now very independent and is able to really tell us what she wants and needs not always in a good way but she is two. I will tell you that it is very rewarding and I know one other mom that did it the same way as me and our children really tend to be the most independent and still cuddly children in the play group.I know it can be tough to put off your chores all the time but it does get easier as they need tummy time and other floor exercises this is really just temp. so if you can wait til your partner gets home to start on the chores that is prob the best way to go. trust me it is very rewarding and if you have any ?s feel free to contact me even as they arise.

oh yeah and the dr sears baby book is really great with answering alot of questions and he and his wife have I think 8 children that they raised by AP

I have also read the book "The Continuum Concept". I followed the natural order of things very closely (as the book described) and I would say it 1000% (yes, 1000%) paid off. I slept with my son, even allowed him to sleep on my chest at first. I breast fed until he was 3. I carried him (almost) non-stop in a carrier until he was 6 months (after that he had floor time and I carried him the rest of it). I hardly ever used a stroller until he was nearly 2 (backback). I also had faith in his ability to do things. I always tell him WHAT TO DO, instead of what NOT to do (this is very positive and helpful). FOR THE PAYOFF.. My son is now 3.5 and he has more common sense then any kid I've ever seen. I can take a nap for an hour and he'll be fine. He never colored on walls etc. He's also VERY self assured. He's independent, social, out-going and confident. Despite some people's popular belief that if you "spoil" a child when they're young they will be clingy (THEY EXACT OPPOSITE IS TRUE). I very much believe that the extra work (if you call it work) it takes to hold a child, breast feed, and sleep near them (easier in my opinion) it worth the reward and benefit of having a child with confidence. Stick with it, the lifelong rewards for the child are priceless. :)

Hello there! I too read this book when I was pregnant with my son (he is now 2), and loved the ideas and concepts. Most of which I have incorporated into my parenting relationship with my son. Yet, I was not able to get Zachary to ride in the sling almost ever! I was at first heart broken. (And tired from carrying him free arm alot!) Then I realized it was the overall idea of them moving in synch with you, knowing they are safe, protected, and that you are there whenever they may need you-and even when they do not :-)

So if they are resting peacefully, go get your stuff done-whether it is doing the laundry or yoga. Both of you benefit from this. You get peace of mind doing what you want, they subconsciously get to see how the world functions outside of infancy, and they get to adapt to how there surroundings will work.

I am most certainly not a cry it out follower, and yet I believe it is Ok if they cry to get your attention, as long as there is an immediate response. I nursed at night the same way! In fact we are still nursing and cosleeping, and although I am having some recent issues (pregnant with second child and even more tired), it is overall been the result of a balanced and confident child.

We also have incorporated the idea of trying not to make them see "wrong" in their actions. For example, working towards saying "good listening" instead of good job. This has removed the sense that they did something "wrong" if they could not act accordingly.

You sound like you are already giving your child a great start!!! Best of wishes to you and yours!

Hey C., congrats on your new baby! I have no specific advice except this: Glean information from the experts, but just follow your son's lead and you will be such a happy family. I buried myself with studies and parenting styles during pregnancy and for the first few months of my daughter's life looking for the right way to be with her. And it turned out the best expert was, and still is actually, her. Your son will tell you what he needs by communicating directly with you. If he's sleeping, he'll likely prefer to continue wherever he fell asleep and if he needs you he'll let you know. Even though I breastfed to 1.5, coslept for a while, wore my daughter in a sling while we were around the house and out, eat organics, etc. I never used the "AP" phrase to describe how she grew through babyhood, because my choices were based on her particular needs at each phase and I don't think moms should feel that they have to make all choices according to a philosophy but rather to their family's learned equilibrium. Plus once you start using terms like "AP" or whatever you set yourself up for a phylisophical debate amongst moms instead of what is really needed, good heart-felt communication.

Best of luck learning who your son is and what he needs. With that effort he will certainly be the best adjusted individual he can be.

And let someone else handle the house cleaning and heavy lifting for a while. ;-)

Congrats again!

Hi Kim...
I have never heard of the book you mentioned, but I have/do practice Attachment Parenting with all 3 of my kids. When you have a child that small and new, it seems only natural to me to hold them ALL they want and tend to their every need.
All of my children, well the two older ones anyway, are extremely advanced emotionally, socially, and physically. Of course, not all ways of parenting will work for everyone. But I say if it works for you then do it.
I still give my 6 year old my undivided attention as needed; the same goes for my 17 month old. I have actually found that because of the attachment parenting my kids are more independant and feel more secure.

Hi C.!
That's awesome you're so into the AP philosophy, I have a 17 month old son and am 16 weeks pregnant with baby #2 and my husband and I have followed and loved AP.
I carried my son in a sling and front pack A LOT, as you are saying. We also coslept until just recently (which has been extremely sad for me! But my son is actually sleeping way better at night, so I think it was obviously the right time) and have NEVER let our son cry it out. I was also breastfeeding until yesterday, but my son has been refusing to nurse, I think b/c of my pregnancy (also kinda hard to deal with!).
Ok, how I have done all this...when I quit taking naps with my son all the time I just left him in our bed and he was fine. I did have a baby moniter, one of the ones with video, which was actually awesome b/c we'd hear him moving and see him wake up and be able to go to him right away instead of ever getting to the point of crying. I think it's actually been very beneficial for him to learn to nap by himself b/c a) I get things done during that time! and b) if you don't plan on cosleeping for the next few years it makes the transition to sleeping alone at night easier (or it has for us, at least). I had a friend who ALWAYS laid down with her son and by the time he was 7-8 months old he refused to sleep by himself, and as much as she loved it, it became really difficult for their family.
Also, a lot of the time I'd lay my son down near me in the living room so I could just keep an eye on him while I did whatever, and not even use the baby moniter. My sister has a "moses basket" that her 6 week old loves to nap in--that way the baby is portable, yet you're free to do some dirty work!
I think it's important to do everything you conceivably can to incorporate the AP philosophy into your own life, but it's also important to keep in mind that we are not a tribe (sometimes I wish it could be...) and like you said, we do not have 20 other women around to help us. So don't feel bad if you need to set your baby down for 20 minutes to prep some dinner...until my son was about a year old, I was only cooking 2-3 times a week--I'd make huge batches of easy dishes (Rachael Ray was like a godsend to me) and eat that for a couple days or freeze stuff. This way my son was only set down for a little while. I'd also try to maximize my time cooking and doing chores when my husband was home--that way your husband can hold and bond with your baby and again, you get stuff done. And it's always said, especially with a baby this small, try to let go of some of the small chores, at least for the first few months! This time with your baby is so precious and fleeting! And by the time your baby is 3 months old, you'll need to be setting them down for tummy time, to practice sitting up, etc, and then by 6 months they'll be starting to crawl and stand and won't even want you to hold them much!
Another book you might like that sounds like the one you mentioned is "Our babies, Ourselves" by Meredith Small. She did lots of research among different cultures (some tribes like you mentioned) and really ends up touting the entire AP philosophy, as it is how human babies were intended to be raised and nurtured. All this said...good luck! You are doing a great service to yourself and your child; I feel like my son and I share a much stronger bond and that he is already benefitting from AP parenting.

Good for you! It makes my heart happy to see people out there touching their kids. The cooking and lifting things gets easier when a few months have gone by and your baby wants to start exporing the environment he has been born in to. The hardest part for me was the realizing when it is time to let go. My daughter is 5 now and off on her first sleep over, I wanted to cry when she started Kindergarten and when she didn't want breat milk anymore, when she started crawling and walking away from me... It all goes so fast, hold the baby all you can while you can, soon he will grow in to a little man who want to be away from you and on his own to make his own mistakes... I Know that there is not much helpful to you in what I am writing but your message just made me smile so I wanted to say thank you! as i sit at home worrying that my daughter is (for the first time) not sleeping in her own (or my) bed *grin*

Paradox (my word of the day),
S.

C. C,
I agree with Michelle M. There are many books out there that tell you how you should raise your child. Honestly, most of those doctors don't have children. It is a better idea to me, to find other moms in your area, and learn by listening how they are with their children, or talk to your mom. She can give you good advice unless she was abusive. Then you do not want any advice from her. There are many ways, you just need to find out what works for you.

I am sure the AP is a good way, but that is your opinion. My children had time on the floor with toys or things they could look at (mobile etc) and they slept on thier stomachs. But I am older and that was the norm at least for my oldest who is 16, and my youngest is 7 and it was back to sleep, but I still put her on her belly. she was too uncomfortable on her back. She lived and still sleeps on her belly.

Every parent is different. Just find the way that works best for you. I just think that if you don't give your child some alone time you will regret it later and have a child at the age of 9 still sleeping in your bed.

Hey momma! Congrats on the new baby! I am always so happy to hear other women who are into A/P.
I hear everything you are saying loud & clear. My daughter will be two in June & she is SO independant & social & friendly & calm. I carried her all the time, still do if she wants. I used the original baby sling endorsed by dr. sears, but I also used a front pack snugli when she was tiny. everyone said I would spoil her bla bla bla...she is a normal kid & when she doesn't get what she wants she has VERY short lived fits. She is actually WAY more resilliant than my other friends children who are playpen babies...she is so smart & interested in the world...you are doing the right thing by trusting your instincts. I love the baby book by dr sears... as far as getting stuff done, it's okay to leave the little one in the bed...I found that I had intense mom ears & I would always hear her making the initial peeps without a moniter...it was a running joke around our place since no one else would hear it. Also, if he cries to let you know he is up, that is NOT crying it out...he will be happy when you come get him. It is refreshing to have time for yourself to get things done with them sleeping and not ON you ;) as you & your baby get used to each other you will find a balance...my baby's feet never touched the ground for the first few months. Once or twice I put her in one of those vibrating chairs I had gotten for my shower...she wouldn't mind it for like 10 min...also, while we co-slept, she still had a pack n/play by the bed to take naps in so I wouldn't worry about her falling off the bed, when he gets a bit older he will probably like musical mobils...that'll buy you another 10-15 min...I'm totally rambling, but just hang in there & do what feels natural. You will find a balance, and then he will go into a new phase & you will find balance again...it's an amazing journey! Feel free to contact me anytime.
A.