Bullying: What Would You Do?

One of mine went through this at this age. I wish I had known how bad it actually was (didn't find out until years later.) You can encourage them to say stop, talk to teacher, etc. but at that age, it's not always enough.

I would encourage you to reach out to the teacher. I would just let them know what is happening - give those specific examples - and how it is affecting your daughter. Also let the teacher know how you are addressing it at home, and that your daughter will be letting her/him know when it happens again in the future. Then you follow up.

Encourage your daughter to stand up for herself (role play), and to go to the teacher at lunch time. I hope things resolve quickly. I'm sorry she's going through this :( Keep us posted.

I'm a firm believer that a child should stand up for themselves and handle personal conflicts. It's vital that we learn how to do that because there will always be a mean person we have to deal with in real life.

That said, your daughter is 9 and does not yet have these tools to use to help her resolve the conflict.

In this case, teachers and guidance counselor needs to be aware of the behavior of the mean girl. Your daughter is likely not the only one she's mean to at school.

The school can address issues there to help the situation. When it is brought up at our school, all children involved have weekly sessions with the guidance counselor both in small group and individual.

At home... this girl knows how she is treating your daughter. It's ok to have no social time with her. IF her parents notice the avoidance and bring it up, I'd be honest with them about how their daughter is treating yours and it won't be tolerated.

My daughter had interest in martial arts and worked a long time resulting in a black belt. This not only gave her self confidence, it gave her emotional confidence because it's not just about breaking a board, sparring, etc... it's self control and dealing with emotions.

So in this case, if it were me? I would make sure the teacher and appropriate administrators are aware of the problem. Also let them know how you are addressing this at home so you are working together.

Yes.. kids should fend for themselves but we as parents need to give the the right tools to use in order to do that.

I'm sorry your girl is going through this. My daughter, now 23, went through hell and we were so excited when high school was finally over. Hugs to you.

First of all, if that is your daughter's real name, please change it - you're on an internet forum and it's not safe.

Second, on the "JK - opposite day" remark, teach your daughter to walk away. Remind her that people who put ohers down like this are showing their own problems and insecurity.

Third, on the food tag game - that's ridiculous and needs to be reported to the teacher or the lunch monitor as soon as it happens, showing the stained clothing. That can be half "Look what she did" and half "what should I do about cleaning this?" There is absolutely no excuse for damaging personal property, whether it's with food or markers or whatever.

Fourth, try not to interfere in which girls play with which other girls. That's not something the school can or should police. Your daughter has to be helped to be strong enough, as you wisely say, to look for true friends and not get into the bit of competing or groveling for fair-weather friends. We need to teach our children (and especially our daughters in this society) that they are strong and deserving of good friends, and don't need to beg to be with people who don't reciprocate. Either those girls will see the girl you don't like for what she is, and come back to your daughter, or they will show themselves to be just as shallow as the girl you don't like, and your daughter will be well rid of them.

Encourage your daughter to talk to the teacher, and I would give the teacher a head's up that your child will be approaching her with an issue. The teacher can, if necessary, open the conversation, but it would be great for your daughter to take the initiative.

I commend you for thinking even at this young age about empowering your daughter.

It's hard to tell from what you describe if this is really "bullying". Honestly, it sounds like the other girl is VERY IMMATURE!!

Does the girl act more "sophisticated" towards other girls, and singles out your daughter?

I mean, come on - "opposite day" stuff is something kids say in kindergarten! And "food tag"...?!?!

Food tag is bad, possible destruction of property. But, in general, I am truly wondering whether the girl you describe has some sort of developmental delays. Sounds extremely young-acting for a 9-year-old. Talk to the teacher.

What does your daughter do when this happens? Has she talked with the teacher?

What you describe is fairly normal. There are often kids who think they're funny when they're not, who tease and want attention. You haven't described anything that indicates bullying.

Your daughter will be dealing with such behaviour for some time. I've dealt with a few adults who sometimes act that way. I walk away without a comment. My message by walking away is I don't care, will not play your game, not give you any attention.

Without knowing what your daughter does or how she feels about this, I don't know what to specifically suggest. My general feeling is that this girl wants attention and is annoying; that it's best to ignore her. It's almost certain she does this to other kids too. Her behaviour is most likely noticed by the teacher. In general, I'd suggest your daughter talk to her teacher who can help her know what to do.

I would not talk with the teacher unless your daughter talking with the teacher doesn't help.

Fortunately when I was that age, bullying wasn't a fallback word to describe actions we don't like. My mom told me that teasing happens, is annoying but not worth getting upset over. I was very shy. Once I accepted that the other kid has a problem and his/her teasing is not personal, I could usually ignore it.

At 9 yrs old - she's not going to be able to handle this on her own.
You talk to the teacher and principal and bus driver - and get the schools anti bully policy enforced.
Outside of school there is no reason for your girl to socialize with this neighbor.
You should tell this girls parents why.
Your daughter needs friends outside of school so sign her up for taekwondo after school.
She'll make friends as well as learn how to defend herself.

I would do both.
I would email the teacher about what is going on, stating, "Sarah will be speaking with you about what is going on."
And then I would give Sarah the opportunity to speak with her teacher and tell her what is happening.
Then I would check in with Sarah about the conversation with her teacher and see how she felt it went. Then I would continue to check in with Sarah and make sure that she felt the problem was taken care of.
*Sarah - imaginary name I gave your daughter. :)

the other girl is for sure a Mean Girl. the only incident that actually tiptoes across the line to bullying is the food incident, which is unacceptable. your daughter should have gone to a teacher immediately over that one.

i'm glad you've been working with your daughter on staying way from jerks, and that you're encouraging her to handle things herself. it's okay to help, though. your help doesn't have to mean handling it for her, but your support and encouragement can help her develop her own coping tools.

role playing is super helpful in this sort of circumstance. this will let your daughter figure out how best to respond in a fashion that fits with her own personality. some might respond to the 'opposite day' situation with a smart and sassy comeback like 'oh, i'm so glad it's opposite day! i've been waiting for the chance to tell you what sweetheart you are and how much EVERYBODY likes to hang out with you!'

of course that also runs the risk of escalating- which could be a positive if your child is a fighter (not literally of course) but backfire if she's a little more easily intimidated.

she might want to work on looking down her nose and saying 'really? i was past that sort of thing in 2nd grade.' or just rolling her eyes and walking away.

you also want to practice what sort of things involve going to the teacher, which the food incident certainly did. physical contact, or threats and intimidation, would fall into this category.

it's not a bad idea for your daughter to simply ask the advice of the teacher or a guidance counselor. 'mr confetti, i have a problem i'd like to discuss with you. i don't want you to intervene, but do you have any suggestions as to how i can handle this person who keeps trying to make my life miserable?'

Mean Girls like reactions. when they don't get them they usually fade away. that's not putting the onus on your daughter, it's simply a useful coping technique. doesn't always work, but it's a low drama first step to try.

one often helpful technique is to ask your daughter what she would advise a friend going through the same thing. our kids sometimes have terrific solutions they come up with themselves, and just need that nod of approval to put them into play.

khairete
S.

I'm not entirely sure of the dynamics, but what about inviting the girl over to your house? Watch the girls interact (you could make it a play date with several friends, but I think it would be best if you could just have your daughter and the mean girl) and maybe you will get some insight as a good way to help your daughter handle the situation. Sometimes, the "mean girl" is the lonely, sad, scared, troubled girl who just needs a good friend.

As far as treating the other girl a certain way - such as smart aleck comebacks and snotty "this is so 2nd grade" retorts, I'd not teach my child to stoop. If making a friend out of an enemy doesn't work, I'd just have my child stay away from/ignore the "mean girl" as much as possible - reporting anything over the top (like food on clothing, etc).

Good luck!

My dd had a similiar problem at exactly that age. There was a girl and a few of her friends that would block the bookcase when she needed something and one girl would tell her if she wanted to play with them, she had to pay a dollar. There was also name calling and many other more under the radar things that went on. I did talk with the teacher about it during the parent conferences (luckily it was conference time when this all came to a head). The teacher did help by moving chairs around. The next year I requested that my kid was put in a different class from some of these girls.

She's 9, so in 3rd, maybe 4th grade; she's not a teenager. You can definitely talk to the teacher. You are doing the right thing by teaching her to handle this mean girl, but the teacher can also help by making sure they are not sitting near each other in the classroom or in the lunchroom. If they ride the same bus, whoever is in charge of that can make sure they sit away from each other. The more you can minimize their contact, the fewer opportunities the mean girl will have.

The teacher will also very likely have input on how kids are grouped in classes next year, and if she knows that there is a problem, she might be able to ensure that your daughter and this girl are not in the same class next year. But she can't help your daughter if she doesn't know it's happening.

It won't be a magic cure, and your daughter will still have some contact with this girl that she'll need to handle on her own, but I think you should talk to the teacher.