Infant Crying Baby - Sewickley, PA

I think that he will be ok. May be if you let him cry more then five minutes he will stop and realize you will not come right away. try to do some cleaning when he naps. he may be teething so that will not help his disposition. have you tried a baby swing for him? They also make a boopy seat that vibrates. It make different sounds including the heartbeat which may help soothe him. I do not recommend tv as a baby sitter but see if may be putting on a show when you need to really get stuff done helps.Does he have toys to play with? Good luck. It will get better.

My little one did this too. For months, nothing got done right, if at all. I am a single mom (nasty divorce and custody battle) so I didn't have time for anything other than baby care. I got a snugli though and my son loved it, He could be close to me and I started getting things done.

Have you tried "wearing" him with a front or he's probably even old enough for a back baby carrier. I lived with my Jeep front/back carrier for several infant months because of this same thing. My little girl would usually end up falling asleep or something while I was vacuuming or banging around pots and pans. She did eventually grow out of it when I could put her in a walker or an excersaucer. It was great to "wear" her because we were close and together but I got stuff done. I didn't feel guilty for "ignoring" her by not playing or stimulating her directly.

Hi M.!
I'm so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I'm glad that you reched out to the moms. That is big!
I stayed home with my son for 14 months. He was definitely a "high needs" kid. It's not anything that you are doing, he is probably just more sensitive and reacts more strongly to things than other kids. That said, I completely agree with Abbie's recommendations for books to read (Fussy Baby Book, Attachment Parenting) and to wear your son. I didn't go into having a baby thinking I was going to be a baby wearing "attachment" parent, but after going crazy, feeling isolated, being blamed for his behavior by my friends, I found solace in these books and he found comfort in being "worn". I can't say enough how baby wearing calmed my son. The research I've done also speaks to baby wearing benefits- babies who are worn are calmer, happier, and socialize quicker. They get to be a part of your daily life! They get to see and "help" you do dishes, laundry, vacuuming, shop, etc. Babies are so curious- its all very exciting for a little one and they are comforted by being close to you. You won't spoil him (only things left to sit spoil!). Please don't let him sit to cry and PLEASE don't park the kid in front of the TV set just yet.
I also agree that you should get out of the house (the sling will help with that!), but you need to get your hubby on board with this. At least once a week get out by yourself!!! Or with friends. Go get a pedicure or take a yoga class or something. Sounds lke you are depleting your "giving" store and you need a major refill. Go love yourself!!! Don't let self care go by the wayside!
Also, be sure to have sex with your husband. I don't know if this is an issue for the two of you, but for me, that was a hard thing to do because all I wanted to do was get some sleep. When I made a point to connect intimately with him and to accept pleasure, I always felt a million times better and resented my hubby less. You will feel like a team again!
Good luck, I hope you find some peace and balance.
Lara
P.S.- one more great quick read: "Our Babies, Ourselves"

Hi there M. -

This just made my heart ache as I read it, its such a tough thing to go through, isn't it? I'm going to comment on two different things, and although I hope this will help, please feel free to ignore the advice if it doesn't seem to work for you! FYI I'm a communications lecturer, and did a BA and masters in psychology, just so you know where my perspective is coming from!

1) In terms of the crying:
I used to find that my baby had almost an attention 'bank' and when it was really full then, and only then, would he actually accept some time on his own playing and occupying himself. How did I fill up this 'bank'? We'd play together, walk around together (in my arms or in a sling), and he'd have plenty of bodily contact with me and/or my husband (you know what they say about skin to skin contact as a newborn - we didn't necessarily go crazy with that, but I think there's something to 'heart to heart' time, when your baby is snuggled in close to you and can hear your heart beating again, like he did while he was in the womb - its incredibly comforting for them as long as you are fairly calm too).

Conversely, I found that if I'd gone through a few days of being a bit stressed out, distracted, very busy and not playing with him enough (getting ready for a party in the house etc., etc.) he'd be a lot more clingy and a lot less happy to spend any time on his own, i.e. crying more. I personally think that this is something that continues with them for life, and just simply the amount of time (with you) that it takes to fill up their attention bank, just diminishes over time...

Seeing things that way, rather than resenting him and his need for attention from me, really helped me to empathize a bit more with my son (which also really helps with the crying!), and understand what all the crying was about, and what I could do to fix it.

If that approach doesn't do anything at all, and you think giving him more attention BEFORE you start to try and do anything in the house rather than after he cries, isn't making any difference, it might be worth taking him to the doctor and trying to see if there are any other causes - such as food allergies (I'm guessing you've started weaning him already?) etc.

2) In terms of your mood, and feeling like you have no joy in your life - my heart goes out to you!!

I'm wondering if there's anything you can do about this while you are looking at ways of dealing with your son's crying. Are you sleeping ok at night? Does your son give you some good stretches of sleep at night/in the day and are you able to sleep when he sleeps? I remember so well the desperate days when I was extremely exhausted (and it turns out going extremely hypo-thyroid!) and just felt so low and moody it wasn't true...

I think different people end up in a low place for different reasons, and I think the term 'postnatal depression' doesn't really do this complicated time any justice at all. However, silly labels aside, if you are consistently feeling hopeless, having less interest in your future, taking less joy in the things you used to love, generally having a bit of a rocky road adjusting to the different challenges of motherhood (let's face it, those who don't have some tricky adjustment time are rare compared with those who do, so there's no shame in it!) and think you could be a bit down for whatever reason - please do feel as though you can get some help and support for it.

I know for me, it almost felt like I had failed admitting I was depressed, but it was a relief at the same time. Unfortunately the medical profession then also failed me for a while because they were so one dimensional and figured my low mood was down to sleep deprivation (my son had pretty bad colic and was a terrible sleeper) and chose not to treat me with any pharmacology/counseling rather gave me advice about getting the baby to sleep more. Looking back, I can see it would have been confusing for the doctors, but missing the fact that I also had a debilitating physical condition (severe hypothyroidism), one effect of which is depression, made me really angry, and made me wish I had sought help sooner/had better doctors.

I have no idea if any of this will resonate with you or not, but the advice of the other ladies here is really sound as well, and all are things you can try to alleviate the pressure you are putting on yourself and perhaps help to lift your mood a bit. What's the worst that will happen if the things you want to do, just don't get done?

Best of luck and feel free to email me if you have any further questions or worries. Please know that we're here for you!

Ax

sorry. i remember that stage. mine was more right when she could stand and first started pulling herself up. she would just cling to my pants and hang on me, literally pulling my pants off my body while i was trying to wash dishes or something. i tried doing what my sister said, which was to ignore her whining and she would learn i cant hold her every minute. i did that for a month and nothing changed. for us, ignoring the whining and hanging on me only made it worse. but when i would tell her no, and mommy will be right there, and take her to a toy or her swing or a, exersaucer or just re-direct her to something different... it helped. it took a few times of stopping what i was doing and physically moving her and redirecting her attention. but that is what worked for us. i hope you get through your stage quickly! but before you know it they are older and running around and rarely want you to hold them anymore! then you will wish they were little babies again! best of luck.

I can SO relate to this!!!! My son was the same exact way!

Sounds like you have a "High Need" baby! Reading "Attachment Parenting" & "The Fussy Baby Book", both by Dr. William Sears will be very enlightening & insightful.--Made me feel SO much better & more confident in my parenting to him & re-confirmed my belief that he wasn't "spoiled" (after all--he's a baby! Not a piece of fruit!)

Do you have a good quality, comfortable baby sling? I tell ya--mine was a God-send! I mean, I AM biased, but it really was something that I couldn't live without! I had them stashed ALL over the place--in the bedroom, family room, downstairs, car..... I was never without one! I'd get up in the morning & put it right on & put him right in it! That way, at least I could get stuff done AND he'd be happy b/c his needs were being met!

As I said, I am biased--I have a baby sling company, THING-A-MA-SLING Custom-Created Baby Slings. I make them to hold babies from birth to about 35 lbs & each one comes w/ pockets & is machine washable & dryable. I do offer a 15% discount for Mamasourcers, just in case you're interested. NO pressure, obviously--just a suggestion!

Hang in there! It tends to start improving once they're mobile!
Kudos to the great job!
A.
www.ThingaMaSling.com
coupon code "Mamasource" for 15% off!!!

Hi M., IT is important to spend time with your baby, but you have a home to take care of to. Put him in his play pen or walker (where he will be safe for a few minutes) and tell him what you are going to do. Like "Mommy has to do the dishes"...put him where he can see you, talk to him, be firm and do what you need to do quickly then return to him. Keep it short and simple and build a routine. He will get used to it and he will stop crying. If you don't start now you will have major seperation issues as he gets older. Best wishes.

Some GREAT advice here (especially from Amy S)!
I started "wearing" my dd around 7 months in an Ergo baby carrier. I loved it because it was SIMPLE (one buckle) and she was happy in it for HOURS (and I actually could get some work done around the house)! Try looking on Ebay or you can contact the company in Hawaii, they usualy have gently used ones for about half the price that you would pay new.
Keep reaching out to other Moms and perhaps get evaluated for depression...it sounds like you are very isolated and stressed, and need some support...((hugs))

All GREAT advice from Nan. Get out andabout with some friends. His world is very small right now--and YOU'RE it! Keep the baby in the room with you where you are trying to work. Sing and talk like a nutcase while you are doing what you need to do. "Oh Joey, Mommy is DUSTING! Dusting, zusting, busting!" That kind of stuff gets babies attention. He'll get used to you being "nearby" but not right in his face.
I found being home all da with a newborn to be O. of the most horrible, lonliest times of my life. I thought I was prepared (I was 39) but I was NOT! Reach out to other moms--anywhere, a moms group, MOPS, church, mall play area, etc. Otherwise, yu may just lose your mind! Good luck and God Bless. You're not alone.

Dear M.,

Being a new mom is a huge adjustment. You can't expect to get done all the things you used to be able to get done. There are baby slings that you can wear to free your arms as you carry him on the front of you. He can see what you're doing and you can still cook etc. Does he take a nap? New Moms sleep when the baby sleeps, and everything else must wait!

I don't remember having a baby that cries so much, and I am wondering if your baby is crying because he senses that you are stressed out, or maybe he is teething. Are you nursing? Maybe he's hungry (I remember adding baby cereal around this age).

I really feel for you and your frustration. How come you're alone all day? Try to meet some other moms with babies. There are "play group" even at this age so Moms can have a chance to talk or swap babysitting. Reaching out here is a good first step.

Things will get better. Make sure you don't neglect your own well being. Get your rest and eat well. Talk with your husband about how isolated and frustrated you are feeling. Sharing can bring you closer and also get it off your chest. Hopefully he is your best friend, so don't keep him in the dark.

We have all felt this way at one time or another -- you are not weird and you are not alone!
Good luck,
N

Dear M.,
The only thing that I would add to what you've already been told is to see if there is a local chapter of MOMS in your area or a SAHM group. Both are a great resource. I was part of a local MOMS chapter, but when interest & availability dwindled among our members, we had to close our chapter. Those of us who still wanted to get together now meet as a SAHM group. We schedule 2-3 activities per week so that there is always SOMETHING to do outside the house with the kids! :)

How about a baby carrier. Many babies are content to let mom do things if mom is wearing them. Google "soft structured carrier" or "baby slings" to see some examples of some.

Being a stay at home mom can be very isolating, so what you're feeling is completely understandable and normal. I wholeheartedly agree with those who said you should get out with and/or without the baby at least once a day. I would try to schedule a half day for just you occasionally when your husband or someone else can watch the baby, but even getting out with the baby and socializing with people (especially others with kids) can help a lot. Baby music and play classes are great, but can get expensive. Story times at the library or bookstore, play areas at the park or mall, or area moms groups can really be a big support. As your child gets older, starts preschool, etc. it is much easier to make the connections, but just a little effort now can really help you feel less lonely. And if things really are tough, there is no reason not to talk to your doc about it and get help.

As for your son, he's at an age when separation anxiety is really common. I was not an "attachment" parent, but I did end up holding all of my kids most of the time for about the first 6 months due to reflux (they were more comfortable being held/upright). After that I was able to gradually give them more time on their own. I'd start with putting them on a blanket or in a saucer with a few toys and play with them - then I'd say mommy has to go get (whatever) in the kitchen - I'll be right back. At first when I left, I would leave for a minute or less and continue talking to them while I was gone. Gradually I was able to make the separations longer and they would play happily. While trying to cook, etc., I found letting them sit on the kitchen floor (away from the stove/high traffic areas) with some plastic spoons, bowls, etc. so they could "cook" too worked well too.

Like anything else, there's really a balance and you need to find what's right for you. I will say that my younger kids (who by necessity had more solo play time as I took care of the others) are much better to this day at playing independently than my oldest who probably got the most time. I'm obviously not saying to completely ignore your child, but giving them an opportunity to entertain themselves for short periods of time really can be beneficial to you both.

Good luck and know that this phase should pass fairly quickly. Hang in there!

Hi M.,

My son is 13 months now and I went through the exact same thing! It was tough because my Husband works 3 different shifts that changed every week. So, he was either working or sleeping or catching up on sleep! At first, I felt like when my son cryed I had to be there to console him all the time. I would drop everything and just play with him for hours and I realized he was still cranky and whiney. I started telling my husband that when he is home he has to get used to spending time with our son so he is not so dependant on me. He would take him in a different room where he was not able to see me. He would cry for a good 5 min or so but once he had other stimulus around like his toys, he was just fine. I would be able to do what I needed to do...make dinner, clean up, get bathtime ready and then I could feel relieved that I accomplished what I needed to do. When my husband worked the evening shift, I would try and prepare dinner in the afternoon when my son would take a nap. That way it is one thing out of the way. Sometimes it didn't always work that way and dinner was just a frozen pizza. In any case, the cleaning can be put on a back burner sometimes. Occasionally, I would just plan different outings with my son that I knew I wouldn't get home until a half hour before his bedtime. We would stroll around the mall, go to the bookstore, playground and just let him swing and watch the other kids. He was always soooo good when we were out and about! To this day, he enjoys going in the car for rides or stroller rides. Also, don't be afraid to call a loved one or friend and ask for help. Sometimes, I would just ask someone to come over and watch him so I can get laundry done or run out and grocery shop. It will get better I promise!

I totally agree with the other moms about the baby sling. My 17 month old son is a good baby but when he has his moments when he NEEDS mommy to hold him, I put him in the sling. I have one in my car and one in the house. They are wonderful!! I have a ring sling (which is okay) and my favorite is a fitted sling that I got from Slinglings.com (I LOVE this sling!). Before you invest in one (I say invest, because they are not cheap), do research online to see what you like and check YouTube for videos on how to use the different slings. It took me a little bit to really get the hang of it (piece of cake now). Now, you could get a baby carrier, but they only go up to 25lbs. and they aren't very versatile. I have one of those to, but my sling was more comfortable for me and my son.... he was able to snuggle closer to me and I always hated how his legs bounced against me.

It's normal, he'll get over it.
Just be sure to reinforce acceptable behavior, because he's at the age where even if he can't talk back he still understands what you're saying - whether or not he listens to you when you tell him a firm "no!" is another kettle of fish entirely though. ;) Good luck.

what happens when dad comes home? you able to do things alone then?

sounds like he knows by crying you will come and that's what a baby does.

have 1-2 toys that are special that you can give to him in crib/playpen when you want 5 10 min alone. Will take some time to get him use to it and then slowly go longer and longer.

put him in highchair when cooking with a spoon bowl and let him play and he will see you as well. put on some music for him.

Our son has had stages like this and it looks like you have gotten a bunch of great advice but I wanted to add that for most it is a stage of clinginess and before long he will be exerting his independence and you'll miss the clingy cuddle bug you once had. The stuff (cleaning, cooking, etc.) will always wait for nap times if need be but you won't want to look back in six months and wish you had snuggled more with books and played peek-a-boo a couple more times before he is too "big" and busy with all the new adventures in store!

I can totally relate to what you are going through. When my first was that age I was overwhelmed by the loneliness and how long the day was. And then you feel guilty because you have this great child and are lucky enough to be able to stay home with him right? How could you feel bad? And if you are home all day why can't you get some things done at least? Here are a couple bits of advice from my experience:

You have to get out there! I made sure we got out somewhere every single day. Even if it was just the Playland at the mall. We did Gymboree, Music Together, storytimes, swimming lessons, etc.. We also did some playgroups. Meeting other momos is KEY to making this more fun for you and the structure that you get for your week from these activities really helps.

Learn what to let go. Now that my kids are older I wish that I hadn't cared so much what got done. I wish I would have let myself just play more with my kids and enjoy them instead of worrying that my house was always clean. There will always be dishes and vacuuming but your children will only be young once.

I know it is hard but you really need to give your baby time to be alone. I would start off in small increments. Put him in a pack n play or activity chair where there are toys that he can entertain himself with. You don't want to be your child's sole source of entertainment, believe me. I have see this play out with friends-they will need you for this for a long time if that is their habit. (My friends 8 yo still cannot play alone)Independent play is so important for their development(and your sanity!)

Realize that 9 months is still very young and it will get much easier. Do not be afraid of TV either. TV is your friend! I am not at all ashamed to say that I have used it many times to "babysit" my kids. Now I don't sit them there for long periods of time but there is nothing wrong with a good half hour of quality programming so you can jump in the shower or do whatever. Plus-there are some AMAZING programs on for kids. My boys were both early readers (4 yo) and I really credit TV for helping with this.

Good luck!

My daughter has a lot of separation issues as well (she is now 11 months old) and my husband works extremely long hours as well. I find she is worse when she is tired, so I try to do things when she is more rested (shortly after a nap). A lot of times just being in the same room as me helps because she knows I'm still there and can still see me. For example, after breakfast I turn her highchair so she can see me and I wash the dishes, etc. I talk to her the whole time and give her toys to play with. I can usually get a few minutes on the computer to check e-mail or something if I'm sitting in the same room as her and still talking to her/ interacting with her. I also find that I can usually get some things done when she is chomping on Cheerios or some other finger food in her highchair. Again, it keeps me in the kitchen, but it's a start and I can prep or prepare some simple foods. We have one gated baby-proofed room and if I really need to do something I will put her in the there for a few minutes while I go get dressed or whatever. Even if she cries a bit, I know she is safe. My biggest strategy is to get things done while she is asleep- both during naps and after bedtime. I clean, cook, check my e-mail, etc. while she is sleeping. Good luck, I know how challenging this can be!

M.,
Just wanted to let you know, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Just wanted to stress that. And being that you are reaching out for help, that tells me YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER. So much so that you are putting your childs every need above your own. And we all do that. But it sounds like you need some non-mother time. I went through a total identity crisis with my 1st child. I became a wife and mother in the same year, and had no idea how to be either. I thought I knew, but watching it on TV and doing it are totally different things. And as my child would change I had to adjust too. I had never done so much "growing" as a person before in my life. Parenting is challenging. The other mothers gave some really good advice. See what works for the 2 of you.
Get out the house and see how other mothers do it. You will see that others are going through the same struggles. And you may also be able to get some pointers. I know a crying baby may make you feel like you can't take him anywhere, but you can. Babies cry, and anyone who has ever had one knows that. Take a walk around a park, or through the mall if it is a really hot day, or even just around the block. Sunshine can make a ton of difference in your day. But the upside is, when you are out with him, he does get your full attention. And you may find that you like being out with him more than you like being home with him.
My husband went through exactly what you are experiencing when he was home with our son. And I didn't understand until he sat down and admitted to me that he felt like he was loosing his mind. We arranged it so that every other week he got "me time". He'd go out, get his hair cut, hang out with his boys and typically just blow off some steam. It worked for us. He just needed time to feel like himself again. And I think that may be what you need. Talk to your husband. Tell him you need a little time to feel like M. again, and not just mommy/wife. Sometimes, just a little bit of time can make a world of difference.
Oh, and all new mommies have jacked up homes at some point. The ones who don't are getting a lot of help from somewhere. So don't get too frustrated when all the chores don't get done. As long as there is clean underwear, you can make do with everything else. And hubby can always pick up some dinner on the way home. Don't be afraid to ask.
Good Luck and make sure to let us know how you are doing.

A.

Here are some suggestions that worked sometimes with my kids. Keeping them in the same room if possible ( playing with magnets on the fridge or dishwasher in stationary chair,so I knew where they were when I needed to move around and not trip over them.) Do you have a older child in your neighborhood who may be available for a mommy's little helper for an hr. or even 30 mins. to play with your child while you do small chores. I did this a couple of times and it worked really well. They were in a room where I could see them and just stayed on the floor playing with toys. Hope this helps. Good luck I know how frustrating it can be sometimes. It's all worth it in the end( thats what my 8 year old son tells me:).)

Have you tried baby wearing? When my daughter was that age, she LOVED to see everything that was going on. I'd often put her in a sling, or other baby carrier that I owned and she'd be happy to be snuggled next to me and see everything I was doing. It was a win-win for both of us.

Hope that helps. Good luck. And remember all phases eventually pass, some just last longer than others.