Does Stepmom Have Rights to My Kids If Their Dad Is Not Around?

It seems like it would be nice for the kids to keep their usual schedule.
True they are not technically her children, but they are her stepchildren and I assume she loves them and will take care of them while he's gone, right?
It just doesn't sound like something worth arguing over. Keep things simple and non confrontational for the kids' sake.

I loved my stepfather, love my stepfather still. As much as I love my own father. Maybe they love their stepmom too?

As a child of divorce, I suggest you ask the children what they would like to do. Let them be as honest as possible.. Even consider son stay ith you for a while and then join sister for a few days over there.

Or he can just stay with you. I bet he hardly ever just has you all to himself.

I know my niece and nephew would miss their little step sister, they love her as much as they love each other...

I don't agree with you.

The group of people who love your child has expanded. Now your child has a stepmom and a sibling who loves them.

I think you should keep the same schedule. And you should try hard to love this woman, because she loves your child too! Custody IS shared between parents...and she is ALSO your child's parent, just like YOUR future spouse will be should you ever remarry.

Thank God that this woman loves your child like her own. That's wonderful.

I was with you for a long time! My ex would work out of town most of the summer and it would make me SO mad that the kids were with their step mom or off to their grandma's when I could take them and would love to spend the extra time with them!

But my ex said no and would keep them with his wife and his mom. Trust me I would be fuming!! Then I asked the kids... they told me that they liked it when their dad was gone and they got the one on one from thier step mom and got to spend extra time at grandmas. One of them also brought up that they didn't want to be gone that long from their dad's because they would miss their little brother. That's when I let it go. It wasn't easy.. but I did.

I think step one would be to talk to your kids about they would like. Step two ( only if they don't want to be there while he is gone!) is talk to you ex and let him know Johnny or Jane told me tonight that they would rather spend the time with me while you are away, what would you think about that? Can we compromise and let them stay where they choose each day while your away?

That comes off alot better and you are putting the kids needs and wants above both you and your ex's wants and wishes.

It depends on your custody agreement.

But, if you think the step mom is a good person and your kids like her why not keep the schedule the same for the kids sake. Maybe they will miss her too?
although, Cant you J. ask yuor ex if he's going away and tell him you'd like the extra time with the kids? Thats what I would do.

Since your children now have siblings with this StepMom (that you obviously have negative feelings for or you wouldn't be asking this question...I mean they ARE your kids family after all) I say absolutely yes, the kids should keep the same schedule, even w/out Dad being there.

In addition to all of the suggestions here:
Does your Ex know... that his/your oldest son gets ignored or is alone, and is in his room all the time, and gets cast aside, while your Ex is away???? And that only your daughter gets attention?
I assume you know this because your son tells you.
But does your Ex know?
If he does not know... then shouldn't you tell him?
I would think he'd want to know about the well being of his kids?
How sad, that your son is treated this way, when he is at his Dad's house.

I agree they should be with you. They are, after all, your kids. I think its sad that some folks here are beating you up because you think your kids should be with you and not their step mom. How is it selfish to want to spend time with your own kids?? I totally see where you are coming from. I would think the agreement is between you and Dad, not you and Dad and the other woman. He is not going to be here so shouldn't they be with you then? As the others have said, check the custody agreement. Depending on the ages of the kids, ask them what they want to do as well. Perhaps when you talk to the Dad he will be reasonable and respect your wishes and the wishes of your children.

I'm not sure legally but my first thought was - if the stepmother actually wants them while he's gone, that's nice of her and she must really like/love them! Or he's somehow forcing her to take them or they think you will want your designated time off. Can you just ask her? If she really wants them and you have no say, maybe be heartened that she's just a good stepmother who wants a closer relationship with them - unless there's something else going on you didn't mention...

Heck no. Sorry this is black and white (yet Lynn M. has a good point regarding the custody agreement).

I have joint custody and a VERY friendly relationship with my ex so I am not speaking from a bitter disposition.

The child needs to be with the biological parent OVER any step parent if the other biological parent is gone during custodial visitation. Period.

TIme is PRECIOUS with our children and the fact that they are separated for periods of time is a sad part of divorce but they need to be with YOU over the step Mom. Don't pass up ANY time with your kids.

Even if I am considering getting a babysitter for my kids, I ask my ex first if he would like to have them that evening for a few hours. I'd rather they be with their dad than a baby sitter and he gives me the same option if he is going out.

I would actually not ask the kids depending on their age. Asking the kids sounds nice but if the child is afraid to hurt someones feelings, you may be putting them on the spot. That's LOT of pressure on a child to ask them who they prefer to be with. If the kids want to see their step siblings, you could arrange something like that.

I respect step parents so please don't take offense (anyone). My husband is a wonderful step father to my DD but bottom line as much as he loves my DD, her biological father deserves time with her over anyone else.

They grow up FAST! You are their mother, take as much time as you can with them. You (and your husband) and are 2 most important people in the world to these kids, and I don't mean to sound cold but the truth is, everyone else comes secondary. Don't feel guilty about that.

Do you have "first right of refusal"? If so, then he should ask you for the time first. However....

Here, it really depends. Sometimes they stayed with me. Sometimes they did not. If they were in school, since we are the custodial home, they stayed here and I might facilitate their transfer on the weekend.

I would look at the overall picture. Do the kids have friends they would see? Is there any real issue with their stepmom? Could a compromise be reached?

Another thing to consider is that they may also be thinking of their younger child. I know my DD misses SD like crazy right now and I would be happy to host SD without DH if it worked with her schedule. SD would see her friends and see DD (they do get along well). And I miss her, too.

Try to get past the initial reaction and see if it's REALLY worth getting upset over. I get the impression that you might have an issue with their stepmom in general and that might be fueling part of your emotion about it. Put that aside and try to be objective. He's not taking your time or giving anyone custody. He's just making a choice about who cares for his children on his time. You could do the same on yours.

I would talk to the children. Surely they would miss out on spending time with their stepmother, stepsiblings, and new baby sibling even though their father won't be there. It's important to show the children that it's important to you that ALL of their relationships in that household are important to upkeep and not only that... it might give you some leverage later on when you need it. You know... more flies with honey than vinegar.

[Edit 6/15/12: Actually, I change my answer. I think you need to fall back on your divorce decree and custody agreement for this. Surely something like this was addressed in the custody arrangement.]

Many have piped in and I agree with the following: check your custody agreement, contact your lawyer if you are confused. In addition, I think that it is petty to not send the kids over. If she was unable to care for the kids your ex would not have married her - he married you right, so I think you are safe there. I think this would be a good time for them to bond more, and maybe even a good opportunity for you to get to know her better as well if you are so inclined. I would schedule drop off or pick up maybe at an Ihop/Denny's or a yummy breakfast place (or dinner) and have a meal together - discuss their plans and your plans and find out if she would like to reduce the time or keep it as is etc. Maybe she wants the kids because they are helpful around the house and with the younger sibling - maybe she just loves them and wants to have a special weekend with them, maybe she wants to keep their schedule - until you talk to them and understand motives and discuss options you do not know anything.

Unless you have the right of first refusal clause in your divorce decree/custody order then the father's time is his time to use as he sees fit. If he is going on a trip he can arrange for care of the child during his allotted time whether that be via a stepmother, babysitter or grandparent, etc.

Is the stepmother evil and incapable of caring for the child? If she is a decent person perhaps this opportunity could be used to foster an amicable relationship. After all, you might be dealing with the woman for the rest of your (or her) life.

This isn't about you or how you feel. Their step mom will more than likely be a part of their lives since she is their step siblings parent. Put your feelings aside and try to do what is best for the children. If this step mom is treating your children like her own, then let them go. If you kids are complaining about her take it with a grain of salt, children often apply the divide and conquer techniques to get all the adults fighting so that in the end the kids can have their own way. Don't fall into this trap.

Based on your post it doesn't seem you have spoken with the adults involved. If the step mom is willing to have them then just let them go or try negotiating a change of dates with their dad.

While you do have shared custody, it does take a village to raise children. Make nice with the new wife (your children's stepmom) since this may go a long way towards helping you and your children adjust to stressful situation.

I'm a stepmom and I try to make certain my stepson's relationship with his biomom is as good as it can be which isn't always easy when the biomom has said some wrong and untrue things about me but I really don't care. The truth of who I am and what I'm all about shows itself everyday when I'm caring for all the children in the house by teaching and encouraging them to grow up and out.

Relax a bit as long as she isn't abusive or neglectful of your children and try to open communications with your ex and/or his wife. It will really help the kids who can feed off your stress, anxiety, emotions and everything.

I am a step-mom and my SD has stayed with *just me* during her scheduled visits many times and a few times before her dad and I were even married.

I am pretty sure you don't have a say in who keeps them when they are supposed to be with him. It would be like you telling him who could baby sit them. It sucks yes but unless you can get an attorney to tell you otherwise you will have to let them go. :(

Hmmm...I'm not sure. Do you have a lawyer, that helped you with custody rulings? I would ask them, if you do.

She doesn't have rights to your kids, but he does have the right to say where they are during his time with them. This is hard to swallow when the parent won't be there at all but unless your agreement says otherwise, there probably isn't much you can do about it.

As a child of multiple divorces, I ask that you talk to your children about what they would like to do during this time. Please do not get bent out of shape about it, it just makes the kids feel crappy.

Once he gets back, have a meeting and somehow deal with the son feeling left out. It may be that she just doesn't know how to play with your son, and is more comfortable with girls, etc.

Good luck with the co-parenting!

What does the papers say? Does it say that if the father is gone the stepmother would take them in his place? Does it state that they go to the "residence" or go to their father? Read the papers. If it states that they should go to the father and he will not be there then keep them, period. Why would he want his kids staying with the stepmom if he's not there? My dad did that to us kids and I hated it. I didn't go there to see her or my half siblings. I went there to see my dad. But go by what the papers state. If it's a verbal agreement then keep them.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Why would you disrupt the routine that your kids are used to having? They have a relationship with their step-mom which is also important to them. She is with them when they're with their Dad and is also a co-parent. Yes their Dad and you have the final say over major issues but she feeds them, washes their clothes, watches TV with them, interacts with them in ways similar to the way you interact with them.

I would feel differently if he's going to be gone for an extended period. How long will he be gone?

Depends on what your papers say.

I have a friend who has his son all summer and several long weekends during the year. His ex is going to work in Africa for a year, and she plans to leave the son with her current boyfriend, not even married. My friend is not happy and they were going to go back to court until they found something that worked for them.

Good luck!

Many years ago I would have agreed with you. But time has past and my children are grown and totally not what I expected by me loving them to pieces, making up for any time that they weren't with their dad (in my mind) and me sabotaging some of my own freedom just to have them or take the control of the reigns. Do I love them now? Yes, madly. And I was madly in love with them when they were little. I however didn't anticipate that they would grow up and really not care if they see me as much as I always wanted to see them and my heart is a reenactment of what it was like to say goodbye when they were little, which is why I wanted them with me, and I never realized that I could have actually enjoyed my life, relaxed and taken a bath with bubbles or enjoyed one or the other if one was gone, or taken walks, or so on and so on. This will not make you feel better but if you think about it, they have a schedule that they can count on-your ex is not abandoning them or leaving them and never coming back, he is working. And many people get babysitters or daycare while someone is working. They don't go and dump the child back on the mother or the father' s doorsteps. Truthfully I have been with you on your thinking. But it really didn't help anything other than I had extra time with them that they actually don't remember anyway. Good luck with your decision!

I believe that unless there is a clause in your custody agreement for first option to have the kids if the parent is not around, then your husband can leave them with his wife or anyone else that is suitable while he is gone. I*t is his time with the kids just like when you have them, if you have to go out of town, you don't necessarily have to send them to their dad - they can stay with anyone you choose.

There is an extremely simple solution to your problem. Ask your kids what THEY want to do.

It is THIER life, let them make these types of decisions. If they decide they would rather limit their time w/ the step-mom then discuss that with their dad. If they decide they want their regular routine, then go with that.

Since he is married, I am sure that he and his wife are a "package deal". From a legal standpoint, I would say that it doesn't matter if he is out of town they still have to go. Looking at it from his end though, I don't see why HE wouldn't want to trade you weeks so that he doesn't miss out on spending that time with his kids. I would say it is up to him to make that change though and if he does not, you will probably have to let them go hang out with step-mom.

Great first question....
I'll 'bite' just in case, kinda curious as to the answers.

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yes step parents have rights. you can look up your own states laws, but if they were to divorce, depending on how long married, SHE can actually go for some visitation, just as grandparents can.

ETA: they definately have rights.....she does.
http://www.divorce-attorneys-california.com/step-parents-...

http://www.ehow.com/facts_###-###-####_legal-rights-stepp...
I just put the first 2 when I did a search for you.

Depends on their ages. If they are young then I would see how they feel about it. They love their other family too. The siblings are family and they miss their scheduled time with them.

But since he is going out of the country I think they should get to stay home if they don't really really really want to go for something fun.

I think a court of law would think otherwise; custody is shared between the parents. Now to keep the peace, would you be willing to set up some scheduled visits?

I'm with you emotionally, however, legally -unless you have right of first refusal- your ex can leave them with anyone, for any period of time, as long as its on his time.

If it happens a LOT it's grounds for changing the custody agreement, to an extent.

Just as an example, my ex has my son in daycare from 5am-8pm, or from 6am-6pm. Ive been informed no court (here) will regard that as grounds to change custody, because every parent has the right to work. If he were military and deployed, or travelled for business, then it would be grounds, but NOT since he's local.

These things are 2 way streets. While I HATE missing out on my son, I can also choose to have him spend the night at a friends or his grandparents, or go to camp, because I ALSO have the right to say where and when my son is at during 'my' time, as long as I'm actually around.

So while SM has no rights, dad does. Living in divorce and custody land, the fact that yours has a blood sibling via SM will make it even less likely that the courts will intervene on an infrequent trip.

But if these trips are the norm? Then you have better legal legs to adjust your parenting plan. Doesn't mean an awesome lawyer or a sympathetic judge couldn't change things. Just means you gave a better shot, legally.

It's a LOT easier to change anything by agreement, than in court, though. So if you can work it out (in writing) ahead of time.

She doesn't have the right unless your exhusband gives her permission. Make sure it's what your kids want though because I personally bated my stepdad and would never spend even one day with him alone. You could always ask the father if they can stay with you.

Step mom does not have the right to dad's time if dad is not there. If she wants to visit with the kids, AND they want to visit with her, I would let them, but it is YOUR decision.

I think it depends on how your custody is set up. I have son from previous marriage and ours stats that if either parent is leaving said child for more than 1 hour (besides work) that other parent gets 1st choice if they want child for that time. Maybe look at papers and see if it says anything like that? I have a step daughter as well and have a 2.5 year old son new husband. If he went out of town on his time we would ask her mom what she wanted to do and let her decide. Just cause I know with my son from previous marriage I would want that option as well.