For Those That Have Been Married for a Long Time with Ups and Downs...

I have been married 11 years and I didn't know years 7-10 were the hardest. I wish I had known then. I seriously contemplated divorce then.
I have started letting go of the disappointments that might have happened anyway. I am also trying to get him to change..

Ummm, what does Taylor Swift know about love?

Do check with the doctor about the meds perhaps he can change it to help you be more sexually interested.

For a marriage to work it takes work of the people involved. You will have ups and downs. You will feel like you mentioned kind of out of the romantic feeling of the video - but remember that is a video to sell songs. Have you scheduled date night so that you remember why you two got together as a couple? People change as the marriage matures. You have ups and downs and different interests because you are two separate people united. Take a look at your wedding vows and analyze what the meaning says - in sickenss and in health, for richer or for poorer.

You have a love for each other but it does change over the years. Your slender sexy husband may grow a pouch and gray around the temples but he is still the person you married just wiser. You may have a bit more around the middle after several children but you get wiser. I think of the song by Kenny Rodgers of "Through the Years" or something like that.

Try to get some counseling for the two of you to help you communicate your feelings and to shed light on why you feel this way. Also do try to make more time for hubby in ways that might surprise him so that he can help you with the non-contact loving that you need. Try to find a balance that you two can work on. If you have friends that you trust perhaps they can watch your kids while you do a couples weekent retreat to help you guys.

May you have a long life together. Today is my anniversary and it has been 40 years - some long and some short but a life that has brought many experiences some rich and some not so rich. Life is a journey and it how you handle the changes as to what you learn and receive like compassion, empathy, love and fulfillment.

The other S.

PS I will keep you in my thoughts.

I have been married for 21 years, together for 25. We met young (I was 17) and married young (I was 21). Kids came on the scene by the time I was 25. I can tell you that all marriages hit rough patches but with open, honest communication about wants and needs, lots of listening with your heart and compromise, you do survive them.

Young children are very energy sucking, particularly for one's sex drive. I know that there were many years that, while I enjoyed sex for my husband's sake, it wasn't really for me. But, as the kids got older and less labor intensive (or, at least, a different type of labor intensive), the drive came back (usually with more regular sleep). Having my husband help more around the house helped a lot, too. The open, honest discussions on this topic were painful, but I'm glad we had them. It made it much easier to have the open, honest discussions when the positions were reversed and my sex drive was through the roof and he was dealing with ED issues.

Happily, issues on both sides resolved nicely, without either of us resorting to inappropriate solutions, like affairs.

If it's at all possible, try to schedule regular times to be intimate (sex, cuddling, kissing, whatever works for you two as a couple). For my husband and I, during young children years, Saturday nights were the nights we put the boys to bed early and had a candle light supper and special time just for us. It could be just mac and cheese or pizza, but it was just us. Calendaring intimacy was really the only way we could make it happen for years. Fast forward 10+ years and the boys are now teens (17 and 13). It's so much easier to spend an evening out. The boys love their "bachelor" night to eat pizza and watch tv and we love our Tuesday nights out.

Another idea is to find a hobby to do together. For me and my husband, we've done everything from Harley Owner's Group to playing in a concert band together to taking martial arts classes together. Right now, my husband is taking college classes and I go with him. I sit in the student lounge and grade papers. After class, we have dinner and discuss what he learned. Hobbies like this keep the two of you connected outside the bedroom and beyond the kids. If you're planning on a lifetime commitment, remember...there is life after children!

Last but not least, I would respectfully refer you to these two great "experts." Check out David Cunnigham's website www.makingherhappy.com. Read past the sales pitch and subscribe to his daily e-letter. Better yet, buy his book and read it together. This has done more to enliven my marriage than almost anything else. Also, more for you, subscribe to Dr. Laura Berman's "Passion Files" e-letter. This is chock full of great ideas for women in the "sex/bedroom/romance" area. Again, I've gotten lots of great ideas that have improved my marriage from this.

Our 21st anniversary was only two weeks ago and I love my husband more now than I ever have. Yes, we're older, we're frumpy married people, but we still hold hands, steal kisses and fondles and jealously guard our time together like we did at the beginning of our relationship. Our sons just sigh, shake their heads and remind us that children are present and to please just get a room. We laugh and tell them they're lucky to have us as an example of the good, the bad and the ugly of marriage. Too few do.

I'm sorry this was so long. Good luck to you!

Totally been there! Our's is a story very similar to your story. We met at 18 and 19 and were married at 23. We have just reached our 10 year mark and have two small children, ages 4 and 11mos. We're sort of feeling the same thing, but I feel like we're starting to come out of it. We're very committed to our marriage and there are days we have to remind eachother of that. The thing that has helped us is to sit down, separately, and make a list of things we're missing from the other person and then sit and discuss the list and find ways we can accommodate the wishes of the other...to the best of our abilities. For ex, I have NO sex drive, but my husband is missing it so we've made a date for once a week where he doesn't have to "ask" and I don't say "no". We have started exchanging dates nights with another couple who has kids similar in age to ours. One day/evening per month they watch our kids so they can go out and vise versa. We have unplugged once a week...no tv, no computer, we play games with the kids, put them to bed and talk. We've tried to get back to where we were several years ago and by that I mean tried to remember some of the dreams we have together...start planning for a trip we've always wanted to take (even though it will be in years, we're talking about it), we've gone and looked at houses similar to what we'd like to be living in in a few years. You can have the same relationship as your grandparents; you probably already do! Our priest gave us THE BEST words of wisdom when we got married. He told us we wouldn't always feel like this about each other, there would come a day when the newness wears off, there will not be butterflies like we felt in the beginning, but we can grow into a stronger, more committed love if we'll allow our relationship to do so. I think that's where we are, and where you are. We CHOOSE to be together and to love each other there are days it's a little tougher and there are days it's amazing. I bet if you could talk to your grandparents, they'd tell you the same thing. My grandparents were married 60 years when my grandmother passed and I have heard several stories from them about their own difficulties...who would have guessed?
All this to say, what you're going through is completely normal! You just have to recommitt to each other (sort of) and some days may have to work a little harder at it and have more understanding with each other...I have to remind myself I'm not just mommy, I'm also a wife and my husband needs me to be wife as well. He has to understand that I'm in total mommy mode and it's difficult for me to shift into any other mode. This is where us talking, making time for each other, dreaming together has helped. Long response, I hope something in this helps. Hang in there!

Perhaps you can see about getting rid of your meds? I don't know but not having a sex drive is very bad for a marriage, and not healthy. Sex is an important part of marriage and being intimate as a couple. No amount of talking changes that...I am of course not a doctor, and you have to talk to your doc about this but I would think getting off the meds may not be the worst idea...

My parents have been married since 1957. They have had ups and downs...my Dad is a Korean War (very end of it) and Vietnam Veteran so they had long bouts of separation - where my mom was head of household, mom, dad, ALL OF IT. It was an adjustment when Dad came back from sea.

Their sex life? it's OKAY from what I understand - not like I delve into with them. My mom has had some issues - that we've talked about - she was embarrassed about it because that's NOT how she was raised - to talk about sex...however, my parents do argue - my grandmother lives with them and has for the last 15 years. It's VERY straining on them. They still flirt with each other though - not every day - but enough.

Bob and I have been married 14 years (just in October). It's not always been fun. After we lost Alexis and the next baby a few months later? I was a basket case and would NOT let Bob touch me. He thought I was cheating because I had the high sex drive and there was NO SEX for almost a year. No kidding and no exaggeration. it took him asking me if i was having an affair to make me see what I was doing!! I was scared to death to have sex...I couldn't imagine getting pregnant again and losing it. We had tried for almost 4 years to get pregnant and then we got pregnant every time we had sex - i was pregnant for 5 years in a row and only have 2 kids with Bob.

Communication is key. Depression is NOT fun. If you are only being medicated, and you are currently in counseling - then it would be my opinion that you need another therapist or maybe a psychologist instead of a therapist..to get over the hump and move on. If it means that he needs to come with you to a counselor so he can HEAR your grief and have someone else - a neutral party - help him digest your feelings - that's what you have to do. He might not understand how depression works and how it not only affects your brain - but your body as well.

It sounds like much of your unhappiness stems from your depression. You CAN overcome depression. IT IS POSSIBLE.

Life happens. Kids happen. Every day life takes away from the couple that was once so in love...date nights. dancing when the kids go to bed. if it doesn't lead to sex - fine - but if you are no longer attracted to your husband - then you need to find out if you can get that back or if it's the depression "talking" to you.

Life is all about choices. You can MAKE the marriage the marriage of your dreams - but your husband has to be on board with that - is that the marriage HE WANTS? If not - is there a compromise on his dream marriage? ANYTHING is possible. Communication is key. Make a choice to get over and through your depression - get to the root cause of it. Don't use it as an excuse anymore. Make a choice to focus on your husband more and more each day. The attention WILL be reciprocated. It might take a while but he's been patient with you - you might need to be patient with him.

You cannot expect ANYONE to make you happy. True happiness comes from within. Again, it's a CHOICE you make. Keep things around you that give you energy, smiles and happy thoughts. Get rid of things that only bring you down.

If finances play a huge role in your life - living paycheck to paycheck - borrow a Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman book from the library...learn about your finances and take control instead of them controlling you.

If work is the issue - then get your resumes updated and start looking to see what's out there. You live less than 10 miles from me - there are jobs everywhere here - just a matter of what you can and want to do.

Make a list of things that make you happy - whether it be things you do (activities) or colors - then make a list of the things that don't make you happy - can you fix them or change them? If so - how?

You might have too much on your plate and with depression are feeling overwhelmed with life in general. Instead of trying to work on the WHOLE plate - break things down and make them more manageable.

You are NOT alone. Please feel free to PM me. Maybe we can get together.

My husband and I have been together 19 years and YES we have been through this exact same thing...right at the 7 year mark. We came very very close to breaking up at that time. It was a really hard time and honestly, I was ready to throw in the towel. For some reason we stuck it out and really worked on our relationship and things did become wonderful again. I have to say that I am so happy and grateful that we stayed together. It would have been such a terrible mistake to break up. I think you and your husband need to make your relationship your #1 priority right now and really work on it together. Work hard!!! It is so much harder when you have young children bc who has the time to do this kind of thing? Last summer we had our in-laws watch our kids for 5 days and we went off on a vacation together. Our kids were 2 and 7 and I was so nervous about doing this. But it all went totally fine and the kids had a nice time. I suggest planning something like this - even if it is only 2 nights away. It was so great for our relationship to have that time for just the 2 of us. Couples therapy would be a wonderful thing to do. Make a list of all the amazing qualities your husband has and telling him. Make a list of all the things that are wrong in your relationship and working on each of these things. Make time for and schedule sex if you need to - it is very very important to keeping loving and intimate feelings between you. Find ways to make sex work for you - this is very important. Find ways to be together without kids. Meet him for lunch once a week while the kids go to a friend's house? Definitely schedule date nights. Any time relatives visit or you visit relatives you should both go out together and do something you love to do. Talk. Laugh. Joke around with him. Be each other's support teams. Be each other's biggest fans in life. Really the biggest thing to help this is time...with time you will get through this rough patch. My husband is the best - my best friend and the best husband I could ever ask for. No, he is not perfect, but I adore him. But there was a time where I could not stand him and we got through it...you can too. I have my fingers crossed for you! Remember - this is not something that is instantaneous so hang in there.

Hi. Been there, done that. Several times now. The counseling will help but if the medication has the side effect of curbing the sex drive the therapy will not change anything. I think talking to the psychiatrist who prescribes your meds may be a good step to take.

We went away for a marriage retreat a few years ago. I was ready to just move out and be done with all the $&(^%^(( or what ever you'd like to put in the space. The only thing I found joy in was the 2 grandkids we are raising. I love them with my whole heart.

During the retreat we were able to spend some quality time pondering on different topics that were presented by the speakers. It was motivating and helped tremendously. It also gave us time to spend away from the kids and focus on just "us". Talk about a "need", we had not had a conversation in such a long time about anything except the kids.

I recommend finding some sort of place you can go and take the kids over to a friends house or relatives and go away for the weekend sometime over the next couple of months. It helps to be with other couples and hearing all the talks about communication and respect. But still, getting some grown up time with that "old boyfriend" really helps.

We met when I was 18 & he was 20 - I had just turned 24 & he was 25 when we married (i had just been diagnosed bipolar) so I know where you're coming from w/the meds. We've been married just over 18 yrs and in that time we have buried my mom, almost lost our oldest daughter twice, battled his cancer the past 3 yrs, overcome him losing a VP job of 23 yrs and recently lost our house to a short sale so there has been a great deal that could've set us our separate ways, but we vowed that it would be forever or never from early on. The most important thing I can think of that has kept us going has been that at every moment that something was going on whether or not it be good or bad & I thought about where things were going, I saw my husband there w/me, getting through whatever it was w/me. Things have been really hard at times, but that's what makes us look forward to the good times. I think that the medication can absolutely cause an issue, however my dr has offered to put me on viagra if need be. Is this something that you dr would be willing to do, or should I say, is this something you'd be willing to do. Or is there a different medication you can take. It is good that you are seeing a therapist and the fact that you want to work thinkgs out since you are from a broken family (as is my husband) but to be honest w/you, my father is bipolar as well but I honestly wish my parents had split up rather then staying together to spare us kids, because they didn't do us any favors. It's great to want to give our children what we may not have had, but we have to realize the price at which we are doing it.

Hang in there. Love is an action verb, you have to DO it intentionally...it isn't a feeling. (When Taylor Swift has been married for 30 years, then I'll see what she REALLY has to say about love too, but I do like her music!) Good marriages aren't from choosing the right person , but being the right person.

My husband and I got married in 2001 and had kids in 2007 and 2009
(both have developmental and speech delays, the youngest already had an open heart surgery and is still feeding tube fed almost 100% - -like two years of having a newborn, late night formula feeds, oh and we have our own business that is demanding of all of our time.) Anyways, we've been through a rough patch, things aren't as peachy as when we were newlyweds and went SCUBA diving in the Caribbean at least once a year.

If you both agree that things aren't as they should be...couples therapy is WAY cheaper in all ways than a divorce.

I realize my husband and I aren't where we have been, but I hold onto the hope that we WILL be that old couple, still in love after having weathered the tough times.

Best wishes!

I'm sorry you're going through this. It can be incredibly tough. I met my husband in March of 2000 & we got married in May (same year). We have had our share of ups & downs (some pretty major downs) but are still together & I can honestly say he is my best friend. I am kinda like you in the drive department; in my early - mid 20's my was pretty high then it started to dwindle. Weight gain & me absolutely hating my body contributed a lot to that as did having 3 kids. My husband tells me constantly that I am beautiful but it is hard for me to believe him when I can't stand the sight of myself. Ughhh...all that being said, I have made a commitment to myself (he has no clue) to be physically intimate with him as much as possible in the next two weeks. My hope is that even if I don't really feel into it when I start maybe I will be by the time we really get going. I've heard a lot of women say that is the case so I'm giving it a try. Don't know if it will work or not but hey, he'll get some more lovin', hopefully my drive will kick back in & I'll be burning calories :-)
I pray you can find a way through this - all long marriages have dry spells - keep working at it.

Hi! First of all kudos to you for getting help and taking medication, your hard work will pay off! I was going to recommend a couples only vacation to reconnect, but sounds like others beat me to it :) I see Groupon's and LivingSocial Escape deals all the time for VA for weekends at Bed and Breakfasts, perhaps a friend/relative who's close by could watch the kids for the weekend and you and your husband could take a mini weekend break? You could even do an exchange with friends, watch their kids for a weekend in exchange for them watching yours? We do that for date nights with some friends and it works out great and the kids have a blast. As for the sex drive, I really, REALLY recommend 2 things: reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," and exercise. I learned SO many things from that book about how women need to feel loved to be romantic, and how different things make women feel loved and cherished vs. men. And the exercise will boost your testosterone levels- there are also meds you can take that can help there too that are for women. I'd ask your OBGYN. I took anti-depressants once for a few months (Zoloft) and it really did affect me in that area. Also, you might feel better, now that it's winter in VA, getting one of those "sun-lamps" for people with Seasonal Affective Disorder. I just bought one yesterday on Amazon.com, it was the highest rated one and was only $80. I get the blues starting in late Oct. when it gets dark out and finally decided to give it a try. Sunlight WILL affect your mood.
Best of luck to you, you're very strong to be so committed and I think that's wonderful!

I think you should talk to whoever prescribed the meds and ask for something that might not tank your sex drive so much.

My grandparents were together for 50 years and my ILs are going on 62...I think (they married at 16 and 24). My grandma was my grandfather's 2nd marriage. I don't know if it was choosing better, or getting past all the struggles when I was most aware or what. I know that my Grandfather was a jack of all trades, master of none, so my grandmother's nursing degree kept them afloat. I bet they had their arguments about that.

DH and I have been together for 10 years, married for 8 and we've had our ups and downs. What keeps things "up" is working through and having a common goal of raising our child together. My parents divorced and my DH was divorced before. I think that sometimes people need to divorce, but many times they don't.

If your DH would also like things to get better, ask your therapist about couples counseling.

Also, what did you do then that you don't do now? We used to go to more shows (no sitter needed) and while it's harder to get a date now, it's even more important.

Hang in there.

I completely agree with the others about the medication. See if you can get off of it entirely or swith to something else. I've taken all different types of migraine medications through the years, and some of them really mess with my libido.

**I just read your update. Never mind about the meds then. Go on vacation more often!! ;)

The fact that you and your husband LIKE each other and get along well for the most part is wonderful! That is so encouraging. I'm betting you can work through this and your marriage will be stronger than ever. :)

My husband and I were not high school sweethearts. We got married when I was 23 and he was 31. We've been happily married for 17 years and together for 20. For us, the most difficult years were the years that I was pregnant, and when we had babies/toddlers, and those years were far apart because our children are 6.5 years apart. I had rough pregnancies, and you know how difficult (and wonderful, too) life can be with little ones in the house. I don't do well when I'm sleep-deprived, so the years when we had little ones around were soooo hard for me. Sex was out of the question. I was in survival mode. We kept talking, touching, hugging, supporting each other, and of course having sex now and then.

I did worry now and then if it would ever get better. I loved my boys and my husband so much, but there was so little romance, and so little time for me, not to mention any time for going on dates with my husband. I was also worried about getting so caught up in the kids that we wouldn't have anything else to talk about. I was afraid we would lose our individuality, and also lose our "coupleness."

We didn't. We worked at our relationship. We didn't take each other for granted, and we made a point to have fun together even in the difficult years. Now our boys are 7 and 13, and life is much, much easier. My husband and I love family time, but we actually have time for dates! The romance is back, and our whole family benefits from it. I want my boys to see what marriage is supposed to be like. We laugh and play together all the time. My husband would still like to have sex more often than I would, but sleep is still a priority for me, and likely always will be, but we've been together long enough to be alright with the way things are. We enjoy and appreciate each other. It's easy to imagine being married to him for 50, 60, who knows how many years.

As for your questions about your grandparents and were they lucky, I think it may take a lot more than luck. Just reading your post, though, I think you're going to make it.

My husband and I have been together 14 years and married for 10. We too have had our rough patches, but I have to tell you that we are so fantastic right now! Please don't give up yet! I have the same problem you do in that my parents had so many divorces, and I don't want my kids to experience that, ever!

My husband is like yours and his sex drive is also very high. Mine is more average. So I have made a conscious effort to try to accommodate his needs a little more. And hopefully you will agree that once you start, it's usually enjoyable for both of you!. One book suggestion I have is "Daily Sex" by Jane Seddon. It gives a different activity or position for 365 days. Now, you don't really have to do it every day, but it gives some fun ideas (nothing too kinky) and really gets you talking about what you like and don't like. Just a thought.

Also, I have learned that my husband can't read my mind. Really, he can't. So if something bugs me, or I want a special something for my birthday, then I tell him. And it's amazing because he WANTS to do these things for me, but they generally just don't occur to him, or he can't figure it out. He's kind and wants to make me happy. But sometimes he needs a push in the right direction. Although I'm not religious, "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, was very helpful in understanding what we want, and our spouses!

So, don't give up yet. And TALK to your husband and tell him your concerns and tell him what you want and work it out together. I'll be he wants the same thing! Wishing you the best of marriages!!!

Hi there~
I'd try couples counseling, A.. I think that what you're going through is completely normal at the point you are in your life. But I also know that life and relationships do have their ups and downs. The way to get through the downs is by communication and understanding. There's a great book called Getting The Love You Want, that might be a good place to start... but the couples counseling will help the most.
You can pm me if you want, and I can tell you more about my experience in the last 2 years. There are some real parallels in what you're describing. I have been with my husband for 20 years and married for 9, with 2 kiddos.

Hi, AKO:

Why are you taking Anti-Depression drugs?

Do you like to be affectionate with your husband and children?
Do you like kissing and hugs?
Have you ever stopped to think about being the one to be forward
with your husband and see his reaction?

Falling in love creates the passion.
Are you really in love with yourr husband or are you going through
the ritual of being married?

Just want to know.
Good luck.
D.