Friendship of 18 Years Over

I am wondering 2 things. Is it possible your friend has always been preoccupied with herself all of these years? Or have you changed and are not willing to put up with her anymore?

As we mature, we begin to see things more clearly. New things begin to take on more importance. Being a mother is your priority. Some people with children do not feel the same when they have children. You and I cannot understand this, but some people just treat it differently.

We cannot say if this is good or bad, because we do not live their lives. We cannot judge, because we cannot know what is in their hearts.

I do not know about you, but a long time ago I realized that there are tons of wonderful people in my life and even more I have not met. I do not have time for childish behavior. I also do not have time or energy for negative people in my life (includes family members). I do not want my child to be around grown ups like this, so I have excused myself from their company and am very fortunate to have wonderful friends.

You cannot always avoid these people, especially family, but you can be polite and not engage them or be pulled into their shenanigans.

Also always try to treat people the way you want them to treat your child. If your child is having a bad day, give her a break. If she is always selfish, tell her you are disappointed and know she can do better. Your friend sounds like she has not been told her behavior disappoints you. You may need to tell her you need a break until she can treat you with respect.

Also take a look at your friend. Does she seem to have changed a lot? Could she be having emotional problems? Is there something going on that has changed her, besides motherhood? She may need to get a check up and make sure she is not having emotional problems.

i agree with the previous poster, except that i would emphasize talking to your friend about how you feel before completely writing her off. i agree she might be going through some kind of emotional rough spot, or maybe something else in her life that she may be trying to hide from everyone else, so on the outside it appears that she is just being selfish or whatever. i would call, text, e-mail, whatever and tell her that you really don't want to lose her, but there are some important things that need to be discussed between the 2 of you, and if that discussion doesn't happen, you will have to step away from the friendship to ease your own heartache and cut the drama out of your life. then i'd tell her that since she has been backing out of commitments lately, you're going to leave the ball in her court...SHE will have to be the one to make the initiative and set up a time to meet and talk. until then, you will not be contacting her further. and then, if she does meet with you, try and be open to what she has to say. make sure she knows how serious you are about walking away and not turning around. then use what your gut instinct tells you is the right thing to do for you and your family and your life

I think sometimes people honestly just grow apart. Their lives go in different directions and sometimes they have the best intentions, but life gets in the way. Mabye that is what is going on with you and your friend. True friends are hard to come by and if you find one, you ride the storms with them, no matter what is going on. Mabye you should think about how good of friends you guys actually were or if over time, you have just turned into aquaintances that used to be good friends.

I wish you luck, it hurts to let go of someone who has been a part of your life for so long:)

D.
http://www.formyrugrats.com

The previous 5 replies are all good advice...Here is my "two cents"...

Friendships grow and change, just like marriages...in some cases you grow apart and lose touch...in some cases you weather the storms and celebrate the joys and you are stronger than when you started.

Friendships, lika any relationship, is all about meeting each other halfway and compromise. It's about understand as priorities shift and being there when you are wanted/needed.

Friendship is also about honesty. If you have not told your friend how you are feeling, and you are allowing your hurt and resentment build then you are not being a good friend to her either.

You need to see her face to face and tell her how you feel. Be prepared to lose a good friend. It is quite possible that you two have grown so far apart that it is better to move on than hurt each other by trying to keep the relationship going.

If that is the case, get closure. Tell her how you feel, tell her you miss spending time with her and you care about her. Let her know that this is a situation that you need to find a compromise on or you two need to realize that the relationship is coming to a rocky close and end on friendly terms instead.

Who knows, even if you do end it, leave a door open, maybe a few years down the road you will find that you want/need her again or vice/versa and if a door is open, then whichever of you needs it can use it without regret or conflict.

Good Luck and I truly hope things work out for you both... ;-)

I have had 2 friendships that were very similiar to yours. I found that I really had better things to do than sit around and wait to become a part of their lives, you know, when they needed a friend on their time. Life is to short, friendships are mutual not one sided. I know, believe me, I know it hurts but you have been hurt all along and will continue to hurt so why not hang it up now and move on. I honestly felt better after I moved on, it was a weight lifted off my shoulder, you don't need that negative energy anymore, plus, you mentioned you have a best friend, put your time and energy into that special relationship and keep it strong. I know it's easier said then done. I wish you the best!!

I had a very long friendship end as well, but I think we just grew apart. We were even in each other's weddings, but we don't speak anymore. There was one major issue that started it all, but our friendship had honestly started drifting long before that event. We even tried to reconcile and it just didn't work out. Our friendship started in jr. high school and we were both such different people after all of those years that we just didn't have the same things in common anymore. For your own peace of mind, I would let her know how you feel, but honestly, if she doesn't want to speak, then you have to let it go for now. Give her (and yourself) some time and then see if you feel like the relationship is worth saving. Try again if you want, but if she is not willing, then move on to other, more healthy, friendships. Best of luck. I know it's hard. I still get sad when I think about losing my friend, but it had become a one-sided friendship and I ran out of energy to keep it going. At some point, it just isn't worth it.

I don't think we should ever write anybody off. If you are not satisfied with your relationship, talk to her. If you don't want to talk to her, then keep your distance. She probably has no idea how you feel. She probably has other issues in her life and you are probably not her main concern at this time, but how sad it would be if she suffered a loss (death of parent, child, husband) and she no longer had you as a friend to help her get through it. Just hang loose and go with the flow. Don't talk bad about her to your other or mutual friends. Set the example of how good friends move on. Think of it as an amicable divorce . . .between friends. Hope this helps.

Hi N.,

I almost posted recently with this very same issue, so I can really relate to your situation. My friend and I also had babies together. We've both been through divorces and remarriages and I love her dearly. However, she almost NEVER calls me anymore, but if I call she'll get together with me.

Okay, enough about me....It is quite understandable that you are missing your friend and feel hurt by her behavior. Women are all about connection and we provide so much emotional support for each other. I can still remember having my first broken heart when a friend starting being best friends with another girl...in the 7th grade!!! Well, now we've grown up, but we all still need our women friends.

Try not to personalize her behavior. I know that's hard because it is affecting you. Stop pursuing her; sometimes the more we pursue someone the more they distance themselves. With time, she may contact you. Keep busy with other friends and continue to hold her in your heart. I have reconnected with some old friends after many years of no contact. Our lives change, we go in different directions, and sometimes, when we're lucky our paths cross again.

And when you do talk with her, try not to tell her all of the things she's done to hurt you...just let her know how much she means to you.

Good Luck!
D.