I really do have an amazing DD, sweet, social, funny...everything. Recently she is driving me nuts with stupid little lies and I am afraid that if I dont nip the lying now, it will just get worse as she gets older. Stupid things like, 'Did you go to the bathroom and not flush? I know she did, but she will look at me right in the face and say 'no' and then stick to her story until almost the piont of tears.
So I switched tactics, so I didnt set her up to lie about something I already knew she did. 'I noticed that you split your jucie on the carpet and then used your coat to try to clean it up' her response, 'It wasnt me, I dont know who did it.' and again sticking to the story until the bitter end.
Last night I told her that every time I know she is lying - she will go into her room and pick a toy that she will give to me and NEVER SEE AGAIN. :) Hoping this works. Anyone else deal with this?
Thanks everyone so much. I love allt he ideas and will transition to one when the taking of the toy stops working. Today, she spilled some milk from her cereal bowl on the floor and told me, sorry mom I spilt some milk... yea!!! :)
I always went with whatever the punishment was that you were trying to avoid by lying, it is now doubled. Tell me the truth without me even knowing you did something wrong and you will not get punished at all. It worked. I really! hate being lied to.
I applaud your attempt not to back her into a lie, but you've actually only slightly redirected your question into a statement. More effective yet would be, "Sweetie, you just found out it doesn't work well to blot up a juice spill with your jacket. I need you to get (a sponge, paper towel, etc.) right now and take care of that spill before it dries. And please bring me your jacket right away so I can rinse out the stains. Do you need any help? I want you to tell me when you're done so I can check the results."
That way she has a solution that she knows you will approve of, and won't feel as compelled to avoid your displeasure or try to deflect consequences (because she's just received a logical consequence), which are probably her unskillful reasons for lying in the first place. She may still try to argue or stall, but she probably won't feel the need to lie her way out of the original situation.
Another good strategy is just to say, "Come and show me your teeth are clean," instead of asking if they brushed. If they haven't, they may just bop themselves into the bathroom before coming for inspection.
And make a point of noticing moments of honesty (or other behaviors your appreciate). Kids LOVE being appreciated. Just a quiet mention along with a smile or a hug will give your youngster a reason to do it again, and again. Positive parenting is generally more effective than punishing for misdemeanors.
Honesty is one of the most desired traits we hope to foster in our children. When they choose to lie, it often brings parents anguish. But it will help to know what prompts lying so that we have other means with which to address it. Here's an outstanding article that brings in some of the most recent research on kids and lying: http://nymag.com/news/features/43893/
Taking a toy away for lying is not a logical consequence, and rather over-the-top if you think of how many times a week you probably either tell a white lie or fail to tell the whole truth. If adults had something taken away every time they do that, then we'd all eventually be without our phones, laptops and cars.
She may be saying what she wishes were true. I would find a way to say the truth, and let her save face, and then in the in-between times, talk about honesty, and being trustworthy, and how you want to be able to back her up and vouch for her with others, so it's important for her to tell the truth.
My mom knew us well. Se knew how to get to us.. I do notknoe if this would work with your child, but this is the deal our mom made with us..
Here is what my mom promised us.
"If you will tell me the truth I will not be mad. I may be disappointed or my feelings may be hurt, but I will not be mad as long as you always tell me the truth.". She really did and has kept this promise. It allowed us to have very open communication with her and we could tell her anything and EVERYTHING..
Updated
My mom knew us well. Se knew how to get to us.. I do notknoe if this would work with your child, but this is the deal our mom made with us..
Here is what my mom promised us.
"If you will tell me the truth I will not be mad. I may be disappointed or my feelings may be hurt, but I will not be mad as long as you always tell me the truth.". She really did and has kept this promise. It allowed us to have very open communication with her and we could tell her anything and EVERYTHING..
does she read/write? i'd make it a little more time intensive and a little less punitive - a little more "punishment fits the crime"... make her have a long time-out in her room in which she either writes lines(i will tell the truth and not tell lies) or, if she's a little more advanced, write a note/essay/letter about lying. make her think hard about her actions - explain to her the REAL consequences of lying - that people will learn to not believe her when she really IS telling the truth - make up stories to give her examples. i think it's a phase they all go through, but, i agree with you, it HAS to be nipped!
I haven't had to deal with it for more than a couple of weeks with my older two when they were toddlers, hopefully the same with my little guy, too, who's now 28 months.
Taking her toys away may work, IF you stick to your word. Otherwise, if she does see a toy again that she gave up she will not take you seriously :-/
I like Jennifer T's suggestion for more intensive time-outs as well, and wondered if you'd thought about books that teach about not lying? The children's librarian at your local library can point some out to you.
Hang in there!
I told my kids that if they told me the truth, I might get mad, but they'd be in REALLY big trouble if they DIDN'T tell me the truth.
For instance, I might be upset if something got broken, but I'd be PISSED if they didn't say anything as if I would never find out.
It's a process, to be sure.
We all make mistakes and it's easier if we just admit to them. It takes kids a while to figure that out.
Best wishes.
It's the age....I think.
My daughter started things like this about 6 months ago. Come to think of it she's been a lot better, but still has her moments. This is what I do to her:
After I walked in on her sister crying because she took her milk. (She had drank all hers, wanted more so pored her sisters into her cup) Her excuse to me "No mom, I didn't take her milk, her cup just tipped over and spilled into mine"
I said to her "Are you lying to me? Because if I find out your lying to me the punishment will be XYZ. But if you tell the truth right now, I will just make you poor the milk back in your sisters cup and say sorry." She said, sorry to her sister and pored the milk back in her cup.
So I do things like that. I offer her the chance to tell the truth without receiving punishment. Obviously, this is not necessarily the answer to all her lies but works for most.
Oh yes.....did you brush your teeth? yes, are youuuu sure because im going to check and if they are not clean you will lose ice cream after dinner...fine, ill go brush....works every time....
I dont know why they feel the need to lie but leave them no out when you know for sure they are doing it ;-)
