Guilt over Not Wanting to Watch Grandchild

I'm with you, I do not want to babysit my grandkids when the time comes. I also have 4 kids and raising them with absolutely no help and a husband who is gone far more than home, is very tolling. I want to be a grandma, not the babysitter. I want to take care of myself, learn about myself, take care of my needs for a change. Don't have any guilt over this, I won't.

Don't feel guilty. Do one day a week and do a great job!!! 2 days is a lot IMO. Hopefully she will send a stocked diaper bag too.

I'll give you an answer from a daughter's perspective. I am the oldest of three and have two siblings. We all have children, but I am the only one to live far away. Our mother has played a huge role in raising my siblings' kids, and it has created some resentment. I don't think she always wants to do all the babysitting she does, but doesn't really know how to say no. And then I feel like my kids have missed out on alot. Even when we go to visit, 1400 miles away, the other families crowd in and my kids can't get any one-on-one time.. All that being said, if I lived close I would not WANT my mom to be my caregiver. I always wanted to raise my own kids. I don't feel like it's my mom or dad's job to raise another set of kids.

So . . . if I were you I'd set the precedent now, keeping in mind how you want things to go now - and 10+ years from now (when your younger kids start having kids). Be the fun grandma. Don't be responsible for the day-to-day. And don't give short shrift to your less needy adult kids, especially if you don't want to breed resentment.

Finally, there is NOTHING wrong with wanting your own life at this stage of the game. You have put your time in and given it your all. Everything in life has its season. And I suspect you will still do plenty of love and nurturing with your adult kids and grand-kids, because you sound like a wise and loving lady!

Good luck. Don't be afraid to set reasonable boundaries.

Simply tell her that you want to be grandma, not babysitter. My mother made it very clear that she would not be babysitting on a regular basis. Mind you, she is much older than you, and I didn't start having kids till 36. But still. She helps out occasionally. A grandmother is not a babysitter. Your daughter should have thought of childcare arrangements before having a child. Do not feel guilty. Tell her no. You'd be happy to be a backup, to take the baby for monthly sleep overs, to babysit one Friday a month, etc. But allow yourself to be grandma. Grandma gets too feed kids ice cream for breakfast. Babysitters can't do that.my mom loves not having to enforce rules. She did that. Now she gets to spoil. Grandparents should spoil, not raise :-)

My brother and I are both thrilled that our parents are able to pick our kids up occasionally, stay with them for a couple of hours when they're sick, give us the occasional date night. When the kids were little my dad watched them a few times at his house when I was sick. This is all very much appreciated.

I would not want my parents to be their daycare. Not because they wouldn't do an amazing job. They would. But they've raised their children. It's our turn, and finding daycare is part of our job. Also, we found a great daycare, and we are very happy.

It's ok. Give yourself a chance to really think about what you are willing to do. Your daughter should be happy with whatever role you are interested I having.

It seems to me that it's up to the parents (your daughter and her husband) to do what every other working parent does and set up some day care.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be 'the grandma' and not 'the daycare'.
It's a whole other level of responsibility plus as the kids get more mobile you are not up to chasing them around anymore.
It's not selfish.
Your daughter is going to be a parent and she's going to have to figure this out.
Be firm with some boundaries and be clear about what you will do and won't do - and do not apologize or feel guilty for doing it!
You've been there, done that and got the tee shirt many times over.
Your daughters expanding family should not be cutting into your desired level of freedom.

As others have said, you did your child rearing and caring.

Your daughter is going to be a mother and that means she is responsible for providing professional care for her child. Her announcing that she cannot afford to stay home and care for her child should have been thought through before she got pregnant. This is on her,

You do work just not outside in the work world. You have two child home and you have your set routine. Hubby is away and when he his home I am quite sure you want to spend quality time with him and not want to be watching a baby all day every day. Think long and hard how watching a newborn is going to affect what you can do and not do in your life.

Just be grandma and let them figure it out.

As many mommas say I have raised my kids now it is your turn to raise yours. A night or two a month for date night or a minor illness yes but no more.

the other S.

PS You can be selfish and be number one. You earned it.

Has she outright asked you to babysit? If not, don't volunteer!

Affordable day care is something that every family faces, and it's not easy. But one assumes that she and her husband have considered and discussed it before and since she got pregnant!

So just nod when she talks about it, and say "It's so hard, I know, but you and Joe will figure it out." Don't volunteer anything more than that. Just be understanding, like a friend, and not the problem-solver.

Please don't say you "don't work" - yes you do. You have 2 kids at home, a husband, a house, etc. You work all the time.

Moreover, a sure way to ruin a relationship with an adult child is to take over the childrearing of their baby!

When my stepdaughter had a daycare problem while her daughter was in preschool half days, I took day a week. But even that was for an unforeseen problem that just came up with the day care provider. Different family members took different days. A friend of mine with 2 grandchildren who live near her also takes 1 day a week. Once in a while she takes an extra day if her daughter travels for work, or a weekend once in a blue moon. No more than that.

You are not selfish for not providing 40 hours of daycare. By that argument, your daughter and her husband are selfish for having a baby without any plan to care for and parent it. This is their child, their need to find acceptable solutions, their job to find family leave from their employers, and their job to run the numbers. Don't solve their problem for them - let them research it, discuss it, and come up with a solution.

And no one can make you feel guilty without your permission.

Mother's guilt is bad enough don't start with the Grandma guilt!

You've done your job, very well by the sound of your post. You seem to have a full and interesting life. Watch the kiddo as much as feels right and let them figure the rest out.

My Mom was never the "free daycare" type but she had a deep, special bond with her Grandchildren and they truly enjoyed their time together. I think being too hands on in a grandchild's life changes that relationship into something more like parent and child. It's not wrong, just different.

Be the fun Grandparent and hang on to your life at the same time, no guilt!

I cave not read ahead... Please forgive me if I repeat. I'm sorry if I come across rudely.

You are not selfish at all. You have raised your family, you are a good grandmother. You have your own family with commitments to continue.

I feel like it's very presumptuous ( and selfish) of your daughter and her husband to expect this from you and make you feel guilty. What a shame.

They are starting their family and if they weren't prepared, shame on them. It's not your job to step up and be a full time caregiver because they can't afford childcare or for her to be a SAHM.

I think you need to be very straightforward and communicate that you would love to be involved in this child's life but you are not prepared to be 100% caregiver. I hope your daughter and her husband are not the spiteful type to punish you for not doing things their way. If so, then you've learned a lot about thier character.

Best wishes to you. Stand your ground.

I think your reasonings for wanting your much deserved and earned personal freedom are very solid and that you do not have to explain to anyone what your availability is or is not.

Think through your week and then commit to a schedule that you are willing to commit to.

I've seen Grandmother's state that they want their time with their grandkids to be looked at as a special bonding time and that is their primary reason for limiting their babysitting.

I've known Grandmother's to move far away during the winter months so their kids can't ask to babysit.

I've seen Grandmother's state they raised their own kids, and their kids can raise their own kids, etc.

I've seen a lot of young mommies on this site log on all in a tiff that their in-laws or parents don't help as much as they thought they would, etc.

I've seen young mommies on this site bitterly complain about their mom/MIL. who is providing free babysitting services, that her care is substandard. Or the grandparents aren't involved enough. Seems no one is every too happy on either end.

The key is clear and concise communication what you both are expecting in terms of hours, feeding schedules, napping schedules, who provides the diapers, food, etc.

You must protect personal time to take care of yourself and those in your home. Some families are flexible with babies tagging along. Some young mommies will want strict schedules.

Access to your babysitting services must be carefully thought out and offered without strings attached.

IMO, Grandmas can/should babysit. For nights out/dr appts/etc. NOT be a free daycare for your grandchild. There is a huge difference. Please, do NOT feel guilty, and say you can handle one day a week, if anything at all.

G.,

You've done your duty, mama, and raised your children. You've earned the right to the freedom you have now in your life.

You seem every bit a loving, dedicated mother, and no doubt, you'll be the same way as a grandmother. HOWEVER, being a dedicated, loving grandmother does NOT mean that you must provide regular childcare for your grandchildren, nor does it make you selfish if you choose to place limits on how much time you watch your grandchild.

Has your daughter even asked you about this? It could be that she's already looking at daycare centers or other alternatives, so it would be good to have a talk with her about what she's thinking.

If your daughter wants your help with childcare, you should define for yourself what your absolute limit is----whether it's one day or two----and then let her know. Certainly you should not be expected to be the caregiver just because you're not employed and because you have more "free" time.

You still have other children at home and your own life, and as you remember, babies are a lot of work! So, take some time to decide what is right for you, what fits best with your lifestyle, and be honest with your daughter.

If you let feelings of guilt guide you and you take on more childcare responsibility than you really want, there is a chance that resentment will build, and that won't be good for anyone involved.

Find your magic number, and be honest with your daughter so you can all enjoy this really wonderful time in your lives. Congratulations!

J. F.

I too am wondering if they have asked you to be the primary care taker or if you are putting this on yourself?

If asked I would say "I'm happy to babysit for date nights or pick the baby up from daycare if you both have to work late". This in it's self is a huge help! You could also offer to be backup care - ie baby can't go to childcare due to fever but not so sick that mom or dad need to be with the baby.

HTH

Please do not feel ANY guilt!!! Yes, child care is expensive, but your daughter and son should have worked that out before they conceived. I'm sure you'll still help plenty--Date night sitter, etc. Enjoy your life and enjoy being a grandma!

My mom lives 1000 miles away, but visits a lot. She is a wonderful help with my 3 boys, but always says, "This is why you have your kids in your 30s and not 60s".

We all of what's best for us. For me, I volunteered to babysit. We now watch our granddaughters Mon thru Friday. I wouldn't give it up for the world. Many if my friends do it too. People comment "you are crazy." No we are not. It goes by so fast. The oldest one will be going to preschool in Sept. So it's six years out if our lives. We still get to go away and still have an active life. I do admit four days would be nice, so I could run errands and do what I need to do. However I am lucky my husband is great with them so I can go out and do whst I need to do. Actually, I was in hospital recently and Papa took care if the girls.

Do not feel guilty if it's not what you want to do. I bet when you see and hold that baby you might decide a couple of days would be nice.
We have an awesome bond with the girls. It's indescribable.

Do whst works best for you.

you are NOT selfish!
your daughter and her husband are adults, and need to take responsibility like adults. it's a terrific boon for young parents if they can have in-family daycare but NOT your obligation!
they need to find daycare and pay for it, like everyone else in their situation. they're so very lucky to get to live at home and save money, and you'll be there for emergencies.
don't feel guilt-tripped into doing more than you're comfortable with.
khairete
S.

Don't feel bad saying no. Explain it to her just like you have explained it to us. It seems very reasonable. They will need to pay for childcare just like everyone else. If they cannot afford it, well they should not have had a baby. It's just a fact of life. Are they planning on having a 2nd? That means they will have twice the childcare bill. If it were me I would tell them I can watch the baby one day a week, but they will need to find childcare for the other 4 days. Then, get a wrap and stroller and take that baby with you on some of your outings. Don't feel like you have to stay trapped all day long in your house. None of our parents live near us, but if they did I would not expect them to be my child care. They are busy with their own lives, work, garden club, exercise, outings with friends. I would not ask them to give all that up. Your child should not expect that of you...that is selfish. I would ask for occasional babysitting though!

OMG, you should feel ZERO guilt. You have raised your kids. This one is on them. They can put the baby in daycare and he/she will thrive. I would NEVER have considered imposing on my mom to take care of my child. You are NOT selfish. There is also absolutely nothing wrong with her working full time. DS went to daycare from the time he was 9 weeks old. He is currently 9, well adjusted, happy and an amazing kid.

I think it's up to you how much you want to care for your grandchild. Just be honest with your daughter - that's the best thing :)

I'm going to share what our family did to see if this is an option for you and your daughter. A lot of people think doing part time day care (or child care in a home) is h*** o* children, but we found the opposite. My oldest kids did full time daycare to start. Then my MIL offered to babysit 2 days a week. That worked out very well for us - two days spent one on one time with grandma, and the other 3 socializing with friends and in group environment. We did not have problems with them adjusting to the schedules or routines, but then our kids were pretty used to their daycare routine and would just keep to their regular schedule. Pretty much how we did on weekends too.

I know a lot of people who do that and find it works really well. My mother looked after my sister's kids 2 days a week, and it was a great arrangement. My mom had 2 days to just spend with the grandkids and the rest of the week to do her exercise class and errands. But she took the kids with her to get groceries, and to the library etc. so they could get out and about.

I think ultimately, you want to look after yourself first (what suits you) and I think it's great to assist in however you wish to. Good luck :)

I don't think you should volunteer at all. If asked, you can offer to do one day a week. But really, I think you should offer to just be the back-up babysitter if the daycare is closed due to weather, or if the baby is sick. You should not feel one ounce of guilt. Your daughter and her husband chose to have this baby knowing that she would need to work. It's up to them to figure out child care. Stay strong!

first. Guilt may not be the right thing to feel. Guilt means you did something wrong. I dont see that you have done anything wrong. Maybe you feel like you wish you could do more.

Next your daughter said that she will need to work still. Did she ask you to babysit? Did she hint? If no, then you are off the hook. If yes, then you need to be polite, firm, and clear what you are able to do or not. No it is not your responsibility to care for your daughters kids. But if you can't you need to let her know ASAP so she can take care and plan what she needs to. Perhaps you can let her know you can be her back up plan (after she has secured care). If the baby will be going to a center where there are many kids, if baby gets a cold or something she might not be able to go. Your daughter might not be able to take time off, so perhaps you could assist. Or if she uses a nanny and the nanny is sick or out of town, maybe you could fill in.

Some of us are not fortunate to be able to stay home with our kids. Some are able to easily and some make great sacrifices to do so. This is no one size fits all situation. Hopefully you will come to an arrangement that will work for you and your daughter. Congratulations on your new grand baby.

This is your time for you, you raised your kids and she needs to do the same. You should feel zero guilt! If you decide you want to watch the baby one or two days a week that is nice and generous of you, but should not be expected in any way, and not doing so should not be a cause for guilt.

Stick to your boundaries. They are having a child that will cost them in time and money. While it is unfortunate they both have to work and they need childcare which is expensive, even one day a week is generous, IMO. You can also suggest she ask around. Sometimes a home daycare is less than a traditional center. Or maybe one of them has an office with a center. Her announcement should be taken as just that - a statement. If she hasn't asked, you don't have to offer. Neither my MIL nor my mom were in the position to babysit DD while I worked FT. MANY women work FT for various reasons after having children.

Do not feel guilty because you just want to be Grandma.

Did they consult you before they decided to have a child? Or did your parents take care of your kids for you? In some cultures that is very common so then I could see feeling obligated. Or if they asked you if you would be caregiver before they decided to have a child and you said yes. I don't think either of those conditions apply though so it is not your responsibility. I have had almost no parental help bc I live too far away. And I made it. I decided to have children. My responsibility. I've always worked by the way. If you start babysitting all the time, what about the rest of your grandkids to come? You could spend your whole life raising kids. Don't start that trend. If you do it for one, you kind of have to do it for all. So don't feel guilty. I plan to make it clear to my girls I will not be their daycare provider. I hope to be close by and young enough to help, but no way to daily responsibility. my friends MiL says she raised her kids. She's done. She won't even babysit though. Thats going too far. I see one grandmother in the neighborhood who is obviously the daycare provider and I feel sorry for her unless she really enjoys it.

I that it is perfectly reasonable to tell your daughter you are not up to providing childcare. You can still be supportive by offering emergency care if you want to. Daycare will not take thevaby when he is sick, and you canbe invaluable as the backup, if you are willing to take that on.

ETA: has she even asked you? You might be putting the cart before the horse in worrying about this. Some parents prefer daycare to grandma as a way to avoid difficult conversations about differing parenting styles.

You're not selfish at all. You have no ethical or moral responsibility to be a full time caregiver to an infant you didn't give birth to. Your daughter and husband have chosen to have a child and they is going to have to be adults and find solutions to the challenges that presents. If she asks you, say No and offer instead to help her scout out daycare options.

At 54, you need to get better at saying no.

"I can only babysit one or two days a week." Why is that so hard? I can't imagine being afraid to make that statement to my daughter.

You've done your time, you deserve time to yourself.

Just say no.

I think they need to put the kiddo in child care period. It's a hardship for the providers when they have part time kids because they have to pay the staff every day and if there are kids gone they still have to pay them. If they have a person only paying for a couple of days they have to pay that care giver out of their own pockets the days that child is gone.

It's also very confusing to the child to be home one day then in child care the next then home a day and back in child care the next. Their body can't settle into any routine because mom or dad or grandma won't have the same schedule with the child as the daily schedule in that classroom.

It's really hard when mom or dad or grandma wants kiddo to take 2 naps during the day and at child care they're in the toddler room and they only take one nap.

It's just better to put them in from the beginning.

I really wanted to judge you. But honestly, I think what you want for yourself is so totally reasonable. Committing to a few days a week does hinder some of your freedom. But it would mean the world to your daughter and your grand baby.
So if you do offer, make sure you tell them your conditions and limitations and put the ball in their court. Its okay for you to tell them that you need the freedom to take days off and travel so they always need a back up day care plan even if you do commit to one or two days a week.
Or tell them you'll do two days a week for 6 months and then reevaluate and see if its working for everyone.

Its not your obligation to be day care for your kids. That said, most of us feel much better about leaving our children with grandma than babysitters. so the pressure is there wither you like it or not.

Your daughter and her husband are having a baby, not you! By no means are you under any obligation to watch the grandchildren. I think it's really important for you to decide ahead of time how much you would like to and are willing to watch the new baby. Perhaps it's even too much to commit to one day per week. Maybe you can just babysit on an adhoc basis? You've put your child rearing time in, and deserve a break!

But, it's so important for you to be honest with yourself and daughter about how much you are willing to commit before you get sucked into watching their child full time.

You don't say that they asked you to care for the baby. Why are you stressing over this? You do what works/fits in your life.

You are not obligated to babysit any more than you want to. You have raised your kids - it is not your responsibility to raise your grandkids. If your son and dil can't afford for one of them to stay home and can't afford day care, they should not have decided to have kids.

If i was able to bet on this, I would win a lot of money in Vegas. You will end up do more than your lion's share for this baby.

You need to be clear with what you want to do as far as help goes. If you WANT to take on 2 days then great, but that is a huge deal.

I'm also someone who has never had grandparents for myself or my kids. I have a feeling if my mom was alive i would have used her. It wasn't an option.

Everyone's different, of course, but I know I would not be surviving right now if my generous parents had not stepped up to the plate for me when I needed them to watch my kiddo. Every moment of every day I'm grateful to them because otherwise I'd still be one step away from destitution.

Only you know what her real situation is - is it easier for your daughter to use you as day care? Or is she truly in dire staights with other options? If the latter, then I'd personally question how much your freedom and personal time was worth vs. your daughter/grand child's welfare and security. But that's just me ....