Help Me Be More Positive About My Husband Changing Jobs?

Every time my husband starts talking about changing jobs or careers...well, I jump in whole heartedly to the point of investigating all the options.

He was thinking law school...I researched and looked into it and where he could go on VA benefits etc etc etc. He thought about it and decided that he didn't want to move...okay.

He was thinking about opening a business...great I started researching costs, places to rent, insurance etc etc etc. He decided that he wasn't ready to borrow that much money...okay.

Sometimes I think he just wants to know there are options and so I have always told him that I have his back no matter what he wants to do for a career.

He has a Master's degree a professional licence, five extra licences and almost 20 years experience in his current career and still comes home dreaming of doing something different every so often.

We do have two kids and I think if we didn't he might have jumped ship on his current career long ago. Now he makes too much money, I am staying at home (I have gladly offered to go back full time), he has great benefits and he just sees starting over at his age too much of a challenge.

So, if your husband wants to try out a new career NOW is the time and have his back. You guys are a team...investigate it and find out what it would take to do it. Then make a choice together. Nothing worse than listening to a husband complain about his job every night for the next 30+ years.

Auditing jobs will always be there. If it doesn't work out, he has the skills and experience to pick up where he left off.

Police officers have excellent benefits...good health insurance, great retirement packages, and when you factor in overtime and details, they tend to make good money. There are 5 police officers in my town who made over $100K last year. If he is educated (and it sounds like he is) then he can probably move up the ranks over time to the higher paying positions anyway.

When I'm facing a decision that doesn't make sense and I don't agree with, I do the "so what" exercise. He'll take a paycut - so what? We won't be able to afford the things we afford now - so what? We would have to cut back on our savings - so what? We might not have us much for our short-term goals - so what? Usually when I'm done, I realize that it's not the end of the world and I can live with the risk. If it doesn't work out, pick up where you left off.

This is similar to the advice I give to women who are thinking about being a SAHM but don't know if the reduction in income will work.

Start living now as if he was a cop. Budget your expenses on that income. Figure out the reduced pay and behave as if that is your new reality right now by living on that lesser income. Open a special savings account and bank the excess income above the determined pay. You will have to cut and drop some things, but it is part of the experiment to show reality. It is likely that some things you both enjoy will have to be skipped. Cable may have to be canceled, smartphones might have to be traded for TracFone, etc.

You will, of course, have to keep paying your house bills even if it means using some current income. You need to keep up on any debt payments if you have them. If that is the case, it will further highlight issues with the plan. I saw your SWH about barely making it now. These 'above and beyond' items should be written in red to signify the imaginary debt you're racking up.

I understand where you are coming from but I think he will grow to resent you if you do not support him. There is really no harm in him exploring his options and this is his career not yours. Once he finds out what it will take to fulfil his dream you can point out how the cut in income will realistically effect your other dreams of starting a family, saving for retirement etc.

I would start planning on an income change. We trimmed financially several years ago and it's been a huge blessing. Start looking at the finances, trim expenses, save more. We even downsized our home which is a pretty major move but it's all been good. In the meantime, he needs to research the possibility of changing careers and go into this knowing exactly what he's getting into. Don't be afraid of change, in my life, it's been a huge blessing. Good luck!!

that's a tough one. making great money and being liked and respected in one's job is HUGE. and not having money is so, so stressful. i totally get why this makes you nut up.

but what a great dream. i can't but think well of a man who wants so badly to protect and serve. and police officers are getting such a bad rap these days, which creates a downward spiral of having an even smaller pool of good, dedicated applicants who want to be cops for the right reasons.

my husband is a workhorse. he's always been 100% dedicated to his commitment to take care of this family, and that meant years of crunching away at a low-level job before his company recognized his work ethic and know-how and gave him a promotion rarely offered to non-college grads. we'll never be wealthy, and retirement is going to be very tricky, but after years of nail-biting, it's awesome to be able to meet our monthlies without angst. and it would be super-hard to give that up and go back to hand-to-mouth.

but his dream was to be a park ranger. i wish someone would have encouraged him back when he was young, and that i had pushed him harder for it when we first met in our mid 20s. he'd have been WONDERFUL at it. it would have made him SO happy. and he's such a good man. doing work that brought him a lot of joy would have been a very good thing.

our life together has been good, and we loved raising our boys and what we managed to build. don't get me wrong. no regrets.

but i think you should think carefully about this. you don't have kids yet- so this is the time to figure out how to make it work. police officers DO survive throughout the country, although they're certainly all underpaid, so relocating, getting a smaller house, reconfiguring your bills DOES make sense. there are ways of making this work IF you both commit to it.

there's always a chance it might not work out. he might end up hating it where he's at now too, and that's a bigger likelihood, isn't it? would it be okay with you if he hates his job with a passion, but makes enough money for you to stay in your house?

once you have kids your options narrow drastically. i think a smart thing to do NOW would be to work out the police officer budget, and then live within it for 6 months to acclimate yourselves and give YOU the opportunity to see if it will work. if it really won't, no harm no foul, but if it can (and i'm betting it can if you really do try), then helping your partner, your husband, your love, your lifemate achieve his dream is a pretty awesome foundation for moving forward together and starting a family, isn't it?
khairete
S.

If he is going to make the leap, I'd say now is the time BEFORE kids. Little ones 100% dependent on you is a complete game changer. Also without kids you are able to be his financial safety net.

I would also think that auditing is a field he could return to if he determines being a policeman is not for him.

If it was me, I'd put off kids until this dust settles.

I hear you, but you have to let him try. As in start looking into it, start planning for the income drop...it may never happen once you encourage him to pursue it. Say, "OK, for the next 6 months, let's do A, B, C and D steps toward making the switch while you keep this job". I've done this with lots of artist friends who tend to want to ditch a job and then strike out as artists. I never discourage the art (I'm a painter) but I do tell them to start working it into their lives WHILE they are working (like I did for years) so that when they do quit their day job, they are immersed in art with a purpose. It'a VERY hard to burn the midnight oil and basically work two full-time jobs for that period of time, but it's worse to become broke and depressed and lose everything. Luckily your man sounds somewhat practical! If you hold him back, he'll always blame you for his future unhappiness. Shoe on the other foot-would you want him to try to stop you from doing something you always wanted to do? If only you had the same goals here, but I think it will work out in the end.

IMO you should encourage him to follow his dreams.
I know that it's important to be financially secure. However, police officers do make a good income. I know several people (late 40's and early 50's) that hate their jobs, but are now stuck in that situation and miserable. It's much easier to follow your dreams when your young.

So you don't have kids and police officer is the career your husband wants? He should go for it. I cannot even imagine having picked my career because my (apparently) non working husband thought I would make more money doing something else that I did not want to do. Perhaps instead of worrying about his choices, you should figure out what career you want and move towards that. I might be reading this wrong, but no where in this post do I see your financial contribution towards the two of you.

Wants and desires often don't "make sense" but they are what they are. I don't think you would be "super up a creek" if he decided he didn't like it; he could always fall back on whatever he's doing now. Perhaps he could arrange to do some ride-alongs with your local PD to get a feel for the job before taking the plunge. Or be a volunteer for the local PD. There are ways to get his feet wet before completely diving in. The one thing you didn't mention that occurred to me is, what about income while he's going through the academy? And how will you pay for the academy. My niece wants to be a police officer. She now volunteers for the local PD. They have some sort of program that if you volunteer for a specific period of time (I think it's two years), then they help with the cost of the academy or something along those lines. Call your local PD and ask. Then take that info to your husband. Maybe that will help with his feeling that you are not being supportive.

It really sounds like your hubby is not quite ready to settle into any one thing right now. Definitely let him get himself settled before you start having children.

Good luck to you.

I'm with Mel R. on this one. At first my husband was a "follow your dreams" kind of guy. But after quite a few moves for jobs that he thinks will be better, I have come to think of him as a "the grass is always greener" kind of guy. It sounds like you are young and do not have kids yet...so it is good to go for your dreams at this point in life. But be careful if there is a pattern to your husband regularly wanting to switch jobs. My husband is super successful as a physicist, but I think he'd be happy to work at a place 5 years and always be moving on to a new, bigger, better job. I've thought about it a lot and we just have different priorities in life. To me, once the kids start getting bigger, it's important to stay somewhere and have roots, your friends, your town, and a sense of place. These things just are not as important to him. He likes the excitement and prestige of a new job in a new part of the US. Now that I'm in my 40s I'm pretty tired of it and have had to pretty much say, sorry, but no. We are not moving any more till kids are done with high school. It's not like I'm forcing him to stick with a dead end terrible job...he has an amazing job. But, I can tell he doesn't get it...he thinks I am crazy to want to stay in one place and not pursue opportunities anymore. I am thinking mostly of the kids and how hard it is on them. It IS an issue in my marriage.

Life is filled with the what if I try it and I might hate it? situations. It looks like you don't have children together so why not try to take a deep breath and encourage him to do this. I am not sure why you would put retirement savings on hold, emergency funds if he becomes a police officer, it is a very decent paying job, and I would have listed worrying as one of my more important concerns than those (my sister is a police officer btw). I would suggest you encourage this. Perhaps one day you might want to do something that you would need his encouragement for such as going on the road as a country singer.Just kidding but if you are new in your life with your husband you should be still enjoying your love, your new house and maybe having a family together.And if that is what he thinks he sees himself as supporting his family than perhaps that is what will be.

I can relate a little bit. My husband says he wants to go into teaching, which I think is an amazing path but as someone who currently works in education, I also see all the challenges and issues with the field right now.
I think you can be supportive while still being logical. I would ask him to do as much investigation as possible, i.e job shadowing, volunteering in a related area, talking to current cops, getting on blogs, excetera. That way, if he decides thats what he wants to do, he will be more committed and go into it with his eyes open. I would also try to put the ball in his court as far as figuring out how it will work financially.
But as far as trying to be positive about it, I don't know how old you guys are, but if he has a long time left to work, then the investment may pay off, especially if it really is the right fit for him and a career he can be successful in long term.

How old is he?
There is an upper age limit.
Being a police officer is very physical - he'd have to run an obstacle course in a certain time limit - and there are plenty of younger guys who can't cut it.
He'd also have to train with firearms.

He should look into his local Citizens Police Academy.
They work along with the police during events (traffic control, crossing guards, etc).
He'd keep his day job but be involved with police on an unpaid basis and be aware of the local crime situation.

After 4 moves in 4 years - it's extremely unfair for your husband to call you unsupportive.
What about his obligation to provide a little stability?
Marriage a two way street - and I think his mid life crisis career uncertainty is being a bit selfish on his part.
Marriage counseling would be a good idea.
If he's determined to be unhappy - he's going to find a way to BE unhappy no matter what he does.
There's no reason you have to go along on that particular ride with him.

This response won't sound like telling him to follow his dreams. Maybe he should. But for me it would depend on whether this dream has been consistent or if it's part of some larger pattern of "the grass is always greener in any other job but the one I'm in now." Only you can answer that, we can't.

This is the line that jumped out at me, and it's not really to do with being a cop or not:

"He's also always tossing around new ideas for jobs and where to move, so I also feel like he's kinda wishywashy..."

So -- he has a pattern of always wanting a job other than the one he's got at that moment? Is that a fair assessment of what you're saying here? Is that other, dream job always a law enforcement job, or is law enforcement just his latest enthusiasm, and in the past there have been other dream jobs he's said were The One, but which were never The One I'm Doing Now?

If I were you, yes, I'd look more formally into what law enforcement really involves but at the same time I'd ask the bigger-picture question: Does he have a pattern of always thinking that whatever job he's currently in is just not THE job and there's some other job (possibly one that seems more exciting) always just over the horizon if only he could leave this current job; if only you, dear wife, would be willing to take the risk with him; if only he could get the money to do the training; if only.....Maybe he doesn't do this, and the law enforcement dream is a real and strong and consistent one. In that case, get a lot more solid information and both of you get to decide, together.

I think you're sensible to look ahead and wonder if, should he actually become a cop, he will find that in a few years it's not what he expected, it's a lot of training and paperwork, and...there's this other career that would be just perfect for him, if only....

Look at the big picture and the big pattern, if there is one. He might need some job counseling to show him that the grass isn't going to get greener if he takes a pay cut just as you are considering the huge expenses of adding a baby to your home. Or if you and he -- together, not just him -- decide to go for law enforcement, he's going to need job/financial counseling as well, to work out how you'll manage with the pay cut.

It is not "unsupportive" to be realistic. "Unsupportive" sounds a lot like it's coming from someone who expects you to support him even if his thinking is based on emotion and not on what is best for you and your future kids. Job counseling could help him see if law enforcement is realistic. Couples counseling could help if this is becoming a real sticking point between you. It sounds as if maybe you and he approach life from quite different perspectives, which can work just great in a marriage--or not. If you and he have "argued about this for ages" already, imagine what things will be like when you have a child: Will he want to change again if this doesn't turn out as he expected? How does that help you pay for a kid's expenses and save for college? And so on.

I would suggest sitting down with your husband on a quiet evening, and writing things down. Like a letter to yourselves from yourselves.

Describe your life now, the salary, the house purchase, the hopes for children in the future, the dissatisfaction with the job, the town you live in.

Then write down your future ideas. Listen to your husband as you ask him why he wants to become a police officer and write the reasons down. Write down how you would change your budget and spending. Describe to yourselves what happiness means.

Write your promises to each other - to be encouraging, to follow through, to commit.

Write the pros and cons that each of you has about both scenarios (remaining in the current job and house, vs becoming a police officer and relocating).

Each of you finish this sentence, or a similar one: "if I become a police officer, I will feel..., I will do..." and "if he becomes a police officer I will..." etc.

Then give yourselves a couple of days to think over the letter, re-read it. Then after you make the decision, add that to the letter. Keep the letter somewhere safe. If, in 2 years, he decides he now hates being a police officer and wants to be an artist, or a social worker, or own a vegan food truck, re-read this letter and figure out what causes him to keep changing his life path. If, after 2 years, his police career is going well and he's secure and satisfied, then you re-read the letter and know that a lot of thought went into this idea.

I just think it helps to see things in writing. It helps you remember what you were thinking at the time. It means you don't miss anything. It helps you focus.

Given your current financial situation, if it were me in your shoes, I'd be really upset about this. If it were my husband, he might have do it on his own rather than me be part of it with him.

Yeah, that sounds really selfish. And maybe it IS selfish. But sometimes we just can't have "the dream". We have to pay the bills! We have to support our family financially.

What if you had a dream that cost the family a lot of money? How would he feel about that?

You don't always have to be supportive. You can choose not to be. The wishy-washiness of tossing around new ideas for jobs and where to move? I couldn't stand it.

Own the unsupportive title. Don't apologize for it. He's acting like a child. Don't put up with it.

Don't worry. Venting is normal and perfectly healthy! It seems your heart is worried for his safety, but your mind is definitely looking at this new job in a more logical way (financial, moving, etc.) Perhaps he does not feel happy in his current job and needs fresh air and new beginnings. I would just see how the new job goes and remember to MEDITATE!

Whatever you decide do it in the near future. You state that you are just getting by with buying the home you have and only spend $50 extra a month. Perhaps you should consider how you will pay for the home on one salary and if you should get something smaller.

I know that I would hate the move but I would not like to be so strapped with my finances owning a home.

Do talk with your husband not at him about how he see things in the future. Have him write out a plan of where he sees himself in the next five years. How does he plan to get there and what will have to be eliminated to make it a go. Don't have any kids for the next few years until he really sees where he is going. You may not want to stay around that much longer if he has this wishy washy attitude. Life is too short. You can only make yourself happy. How does what you want mesh with what he wants? Can you both compromise on the outcome?

Police work is not what people dream about. There is a lot of routine work and a lot of long hours and a lot of time away from home and family. The going to the police academy is about a year or so and you have to qualify with running and guns. There is a psych eval as well. And if he gets hired on he will start on the midnight shift and have to work his way to days over a period of years. There is a pension in place after 20 or so years. (How do I know all this? I used to work at a police department in a clerical position.)

I hope that the two of you can come to some major decisions as to where your marriage and his work career are headed.

the other S.

If my husband had a dream and had a plan and our family would be ok ... I would support it.

But it sounds as if your husband has no plan, isn't committed, throws ideas around, and is wishy-washy.

I would feel as you do. Lots of suggestions on how to help him figure out if it will work/right thing to do below. Like Jill's advice on living off police officer's salary.

My personal feeling is if you're lucky enough to know you have a passion and can make a living at it, go for it. Not everyone is so lucky. But it's a lot less risky if you've actually worked in the field or have some experience with it to have a better idea.

My ex wanted to be in the military his whole life. It was not for him. He had not thought of any other career. Sometimes it's more an expectation rather than actually knowing what's a good fit for you.

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