How Did You Decide to Work or Not?

Before my husband & I were married we made that decision. My husband is a school teacher, so it is quite a stretch for me to stay at home, but we manage. We don't have cable and we don't drive 'brand' new cars or go on lavish vacations - but it's worth it to us. When I'm complaining about wanting a bigger house or a wanting to buy expensive things, we always discuss me going back to work. To me, I'd rather miss-out a few luxuries than to have someone else take care of my kiddos everyday. If you can in any way afford to stay home, at least try to because you can always go back to work later. And keep in mind that you can't get back years with you little ones because they grow-up so fast. A few years is not that long in the grand scheme of things and you'll have plenty of time to work when they're older. I know plenty of moms who worked when it wasn't an absolute necessity and wish they had done things differently. I also don't know one stay-at-home moms who wished she would have been working when her kids were taking their first steps or saying their first words. You have your whole life to work, but never again will your children be young. If you have to work, then work - but if you have a choice choose wisely. Think about it this way: you have an eight year old, were you at home with her? And how do you really feel about that? Hope this helps!

Hi Catrina - I just wanted to pop in and give you a different outlook - most of your responders are SAHM's and loving every minute of it.

I'm a working mom - and went to work when my son was about 4 months old. I've never regretted a moment of it. Sure, I wish I was "there", but honestly, I could not imagine not working, and that doesn't make me any less of a mom. I love my child to the depth of my being, but I did not want to be a SAHM.

I found excellent care for him and became very involved in that care. Frankly, he is as advanced as he is because of his childcare - if I were at home with him everyday, I guarantee you I would have slid and let him watch TV while I pay bills or just do some quick chores, etc. Instead, because he's in childcare, I have a very intelligent child who is creative. I have boxes and boxes of artwork already. His mental development is about a year ahead of schedule (he's 3). And it's his childcare that's done this, not me. He has a lot of friends and absolutely loves going to school.

Working was the best decision for me and my family. Sure, financially it's nice, but I needed to make sure I remained a separate person besides "mommy", and I know my personality - if I stayed at home, I would not socialize like I should. I would end up a hermit, and that wouldn't be good for me or my son. Working makes me a better wife, too. I have a fantastic husband, and we equally share pretty much all parenting duties. (I still do more housework, but he does more yardwork). We've created a very strong partnership in our quest to give my son an excellent life. I'm very proud of my life and it is exactly in balance for me (except for my long commute! Grr!)

I could never be a SAHM. I don't have the patience or the stamina to do it, and because of that insight, I know my son is better off in a high-quality care situation. For others, they very much excel at staying at home, as their personalities are geared for it. Mine is not. And I know it.

Everybody is different. Those that choose to work (not because financially they need to) can give you a very long list of "pro-working", and those that choose to stay at home can also give you a very long list of "pro-stay at home". I honestly think your personality is what will dictate it. So really think through your decision. It's great to get others' opinions, but they don't matter. An opinion is just that, an opinion - and usually, when you solicit for opinions you get the passionate people responding, and they're only passionate about their choice, which usually will not help you make a decision for just you. What matters is how you envision your life, your family. What do you ultimately want it to look like?

I love being a mom. It's the greatest gig ever. And I made choices in my life that allow me to continue to love my life. Loving my life makes me a better mom and so I get a better child. It's all a trickle affect. If you love staying at home, then do it. If you love working, then work. Just visualize your dream life and then make it happen. Your girls need a mommy that loves herself and loves her life - be that mommy. Good luck in whatever you decide to do - S.

This is a personal decision that everyone has to make, and there is no right or wrong answer except what is right for your family. Here is how I made my decision: 50 years from now when I look back on my life, if I have any regrets, it wouldn't be not making more money, it would be not spending as much time as possible with my children.

I had planned on going back, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I was sitting in the mall with him a few weeks before my FMLA leave was up, and looked around at all the other moms and babies, and realized that I didn't want to go back to work and put him in daycare when so many other people were managing to stay home with their kids. Sure, you have to make some financial sacrifices, but if you can make a few cut backs and be smart with your money in order to do it, then why not? It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done going back into the office to tell my boss that I wasn't returning. I had a wonderful job with great people, and had worked my way up pretty high in the corporation with more chances of promotion right around the corner. Yet, I don't regret leaving for one second. I do find that I need "me" time, which I feel is very important to everyone. I am lucky that I found a job where I can work about 8 hours a week. I have my son in a Mother's Day out 1 day a week for 5 hours a week and the other hours I work in the evening when my husband can watch him. I am also active in a mom's Group through www.meetup.com I highly suggest you make other mommy friends if you decide to stay home. Between my job and the mom's group, I am able to get over that loneliness hurdle that so many mom's face when deciding to stay home.

Well we have always wanted it to be where I stayed home but I went back to work because we thought I had to and it was torture to me to leave my child it really really was. Then we realized after I went back to work when we sat down to do our 1st round of bills that I wasn't brining enough home at all to make it worth it after adding in cost for childcare, additional medical that comes with childcare, extra gas and 2nd vehicle for 2 job holders (which is then also extra insurance), work clothes, money spent cause when I worked I noticed I bought lunches out more and so on. After all that I think I was only contributing not even $200 a month to bills and I was lucky enough to have a decent paying job. At that point we realized that we could just find small places to cut some corners and be frugal to where I could just stay home and I am SOOOO happy I did. I was so upset the 2-3 months I was working because she was changing so much and learning so many things each day that it killed me inside to hear about all my childs 1sts from someone else. To help a little with $$$ too until my hubby got a better paying position I did childcare and or afterschool daycare just so it wouldnt be as tight. If you do decide to stay home I would be more than happy to show you how I have found to save a lot of $$$ on things like food and such. :) Good luck!

I'm going to be the oddball here.

I went back to work after the first, and after the second.
While we could have scrimped to have me stay home after the second, we decided it wasn't what we wanted at that time. I loved my job, still do. My husband we just building his career, so my steady paycheck was important to us.
Every time I start to beat myself up about not staying home (we all second guess ourselves, SAHM and WOHM) I remember how my kids are thriving. They go to a great daycare/pre-school, they are very social and outgoing, they are comfortable in new environments, and they know how to stand up for themselves - a lot of which I credit to having wonderful, involved teachers. If I stayed home now I'd have to pull them out or move them to another school, and I'm not willing to do that to them, they enjoy it too much.
I do want to stay home with them, but I'm planning to do it when they go to elementary school. I want to know their friends, be in their classrooms, and be watching as they learn to spread their wings and make their own decisions. I want to be the house the kids hang out at. That's what my Mom did, and honestly I don't remember that she wasn't there when I was little, I remember that she was there when I was big. It's more important to me to be home and available at that point in their lives than it is to me at this point. I work now so that I'll be able to stay home later.
Good luck in making your decision, it's a tough one and only you know what's right for your family.

I didn't go back at all after 6 weeks because I wasn't ready. Period. I just recently went back (DD is almost 4 mo) part-time working from home at night (after she nurses/goes to sleep).

First, you have to decide what is most important to you. If you're going back b/c of bills- then cut your lifestyle down (read The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey), so you can afford to stay home. A lot of people are slaves to 2 incomes b/c they are not making wise money decisions- using credit cards, making 2 car payments, too much house, etc. Priorities, priorities. Debt-freedom, gives you lots of choices!

Second, I decided if my kids were going to be screwed-up, I wanted it to be all my fault! I didn't want them spending full days in daycare 5 d/ wk. I didn't want to miss out on all their growth- esp. those first 2 years & all the fun of class parties, etc. afterward.

Decisions, decisions... good luck!

D.

My husband and I have made a lot of sacrifices for me to stay home. I was also in your position and when my first child was 7 weeks old, I called my boss and resigned. I have been a stay at home mom for 18 months but I have recently found a wonderful babysitter to watch my boys while I've started cleaning houses part time. I make my own hours, am my own boss and make great money. If my boys are sick or if I need to be home, it's no problem for me to reschedule with my clients. My husband and I are on the Dave Ramsey program (www.daveramsey.com) and so I made the decision to start working a little to help get out of debt sooner. My boys are a little older now so it's easier to leave them for a few hours at a time. But it was PRICELESS to be home with my babies for all their firsts...I know that some moms have to work but if you don't have to...I wouldn't. Good luck.

With just one baby, I knew that childcare expenses, etc. wouldn't be a factor, and all of our non-work time could be spent with her. When baby #2 came 2 years later, I knew there's no way I'd be able to devote enough time or energy to either of them, and still have a healthy marriage. When you add a 1.5 hour commute to an 8-hour work day, there's about 2 hours with the kids. So, even though I'd been given pay increases and made plenty of money to cover childcare, it wasn't fair to my family to continue working like I was. In fact, my husband was talking about quitting HIS job (since I made more money) to stay home. That told me that it was really important to him that one of us be with the kids in their early years. I had prayed about it and even though being a stay at home mom is nothing I ever, ever, EVER thought I'd do, I felt like God was leading me to do it. My husband and I both wanted to make sure that the decision for me to work or not was not based only on finances. Sure, we didn't want to be stupid and suddenly not be able to pay the bills, but we didn't want to make decisions with money as the primary factor.
The main thing we thought about is that work comes and goes, but the kids only grow up once. With your other child being 8 years old, it's certainly a different dynamic. It helps when one of them is more independent! Also, if I didn't have the grueling commute I might not have quit work.
And like I said, with just one baby, I didn't even consider staying at home. I felt like we had plenty of time with her. It was just when the second came that I couldn't see splitting those precious few evening hours between them and coming out ahead for anyone.

For me it was not a question. I wanted to be home with my children but I knew I needed to bring in some money so we could at least breath each month. I knew if I found a part time job then I would be paying more for child care than possibly what I would be making. I researched many work from home opportunites. I will say there are so many that are scams and you have to be very careful. I did find one that was a perfect fit for me. My schedule is so flexable and I am here with my children when they need me. My children are spaced out age wise like yours. I bet your older daughter is a great helper! Congratulations on your new little princess!

Catrina,
I have never had a choice, I had to work so I made it all work somehow.

If you decide to go back to work, for that reason, I have a part time job that is from 12-20 hours per week and you can bring the baby with you. We have a small retail store that everyone brings the baby to with ages ranging currently from 5 months to 11 months. We have had as young as 6 weeks to as old as 1 1/2 years.

K. @ The Nestingplace, ###-###-####

Catrina, I too struggled with this decision so much! I had a wonderful job, but I really wanted to be with my daughter. Once I finally made up my mind that i was going to stay home with her, I just never looked back. you just can't have any regrets. I said to myself, I have my whole life to work! I only have my baby for a short time. It has been hard at times, but honestly, my husband and I have just learned to laugh it off and say, well its only money. We make sacrifices and save as much as possible. I also started working at home recently for the MOM team and it is truly an easy way to make money at home. You can e-mail me if you want more info. Otherwise, good luck to you and i know you won't regret your decision to stay home!

I decided to because I had to go back. If there was a cholice, I would be home with my baby! Good luck with your decision.

First of all any decision you make is not written in stone. You can always go back to work or you can choose to stay home. My husband and I determined early on that I was going to stay home with my son. Fortunately, my husband was the bread winner of the family and I was not making enough to make that much a difference in our finances to be that greatly effected. If it is going to effect your finances, you should start research now how much the daycare, inhome care, and Nanny is going to cost you. Look into transportation costs, is your work schedule going to be flexible if your child is sick, Holidays, etc...
However, I realized that being a stay at home mom is not easy at all. You don't get a bonus, progress reports, or annual reviews. You don't have adult communication or any adult teamwork to help you along. With that said, when you stay at home with your child, you are providing them with the best care possible.
Don't listen to anybody but your gut feeling on this. Some people were not made to stay at home and some are.

I knew from the moment she was born that I could not leave her, she is now 14 mnths sweet baby girl/ I knew that I had to help my husband financially, I joined the mom team. Check it out www.money4family.info

For my husband and I it came down to the fact of what it would cost for child care. Right after our son was born I did go back to work part time and we had a babysitter watching our son. After about a year of that we realized that we where paying about as much as I was making for child care and there was no point in me working until I could do it full time. I say if yall can live off you husbands paychecks for a few years do what I am doing wait till your daughter is old enough for pre-k then start back to work it really isn't worth working part time because all you will be doing is paying for the childcare.

Well...I've done both. My sons are now almost 5 and 3 1/2. I stayed home until my oldest was 3 and my youngest was 1 1/2. BUT...instead of being a legal assistant like I was before I had kids....I waited tables at Chili's for those 3 years. I worked 3 days a week at night....even when I was pregnant with my 2nd.

Now....that said....I worked because I liked having my own money. If you can stay home....great. But it can be very isolating...lonely....depressing....and wonderful.

I work full time now and believe that my kids are better for going to a wonderful daycare. I am a better mom because I'm not with them constantly (which can drive anyone crazy at times).

You have to look at finances and at what YOU want to do. There is no wrong choice.

If you decide to work...use the time you do have to be with your child. Balancing everything can be difficult but it's possible.

Good luck with your decision....it's such a hard one. If you decide to work...don't let anyone make you feel bad about it. If you decide to stay home....enjoy your baby and join a mom's group to meet people. :)

The decision is going to be different for everyone. With my first child I did go back to work about 3 months after he was born. I had my mother-in-law come stay with us to help out and watch him. A few months later I decided to stay home for good.

My second son I was home from day one. My kid's security levels are very different and it very well might be because of me going back to work. I notice that with my first son (even though he is four) he still has a little separation anxiety when I take him to pre-school.

My second son (which I started taking to daycare part-time when he was 2) has no problems at all with me leaving him at daycare or a friend's house.

I may have inadvertently done something to disturb my first son because his primary care taker for 4 months of his life was his grandmother and then she abruptly disappeared (she lives in another country and went back home).

A really good book to read that may help you decide is "Becoming Attached - First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love" by Robert Karen, PH.D

One of the things the book stresses is that whatever you decide, you need to have consistency. The first year of your child's life is critical. Your child needs to be with someone who loves her and will be in their life indefinitely. You can't jump from care-giver to care-giver like changing clothes, because your baby is forming important bonds and relationships. If someone they love abruptly disappears from their life, they will soon feel like they shouldn't love anyone because they will feel pain when they leave. Or they will cling tighter to the people they do love because they have a deep fear of being abandoned.

If you CAN stay home, it's always best, but if you can't financially, then you can either make some life-style adjustments so you can or go back to work making sure every moment you spend with your child is quality time.

It's not an easy decision. Good luck to you.

J.

A little about me:
I'm a work from home mom loving both my jobs, being a mom and sender of cards. (www.sendoutcards.com/15570)

I decided to go back to work. Like others have said it is a choice that you have to make. People judge and they will judge you for either decision. You have to be happy...nobody else can tell you what will make you happy. Sometimes I wish I were home more, but I am really scheduled to work 15 hours a week...I teach, so I have prep time and grading at home. I need to work and it's not just for the money. It is who I am...You have to know who you are. I have a sister who works 50-60 hours a week as a lawyer and she has 2 children...she is still a wonderful mom. (even though some may doubt that). I couldn't do it, but she does a great job. I have several friend who are SAHMs and when we get together and talk , it's funny because the 'grass always seems greener on the other side" for all of us.
Your decision is not set in stone...you can always change your mind. Just don't let people make the decision for you.
Good luck with whatever choice you make

I was able to take FMLA with my first child. So for 3 months, my husband and I talked and prayed about whether or not we could afford for me to stay home. My husband and I decided that I needed to go back for little while. I was going back to save enough money to quit. We cut a few of the extras out and decided that being a SAHM was the best thing for our family. The morning I had to leave him with the sitter, was the hardest day of my life. On that day, I knew for sure that I had made the right decision. I have never regretted any minute of being able to stay home with my children.
Good Luck with making the right decision for your family!!

Yes this is a very hard decision. One that we all have to decide. With my first child I worked part time around my husband schedule, so we could keep the baby at home.
He was a Premmie almost 2 months early and after seeing our little one in the NICU with all the tubes, you just don't want to leave them anywhere. Plus, the hospital was sending nurses to our house each week to check on his progress.

Then we had baby #2 I didn't get much time with my baby only like 2 weeks and had to go back to work. It killed me everytime to go to work. We were lucky and my husband worked overnights and I worked during the day. We tried to do everything we could to keep the children home.

However there came a time were we had to really look to see if both of us working was worth it. My husband had to go to days and childcare for 2 kids that arent't potty trained is expensive. After we started looking at it with gas, food, childcare expense it took literally within $200 of what 1 person was making. So, we decided we didn't want to pay for someone else to take care of our kids and many places the kids are more of a number than personal time.

I made more $$ than my husband and been up the career path,
and felt like God was saying it was time to be home with the babies. Only getting to see them a hour a day was killing me and I cry all the way to work. Plus it was affecting them a little baby needs there mommy.

We prayed about it and I knew we couldn't make it on just my husbands income since I made so much more. So, I started a Home Childcare and it helped with $$ and the kids got to grow up with other children too. There are choices out there to make extra $$ if you need too. There are Part time job in the evening, weekends, work at home if you lucky to find one,
home jobs.

If your heart is saying Stay at home, then follow your heart !
You will be happier. I did and I don't regret it.

With my first I decided to stay at home and due to finances I had to go back to work full-time!!!! All I wanted to do at that time was be at home with my baby and now that she is three and I have #2 I am working to be able to stay home!! I started my at home business and will for the first time in 3 years be able to be at home and be with all of my kids!!! If you would rather stay at home I can give you the information about what it is that I do and maybe you will be able to stay home for good!!!! Here is my website:

http://www.themomteam.com/cgi-bin/mom.cgi?id=ch503064&amp...

Be sure to request more info and I will contact you to tell you all about it!!!

~C.

Congrats on the new little princess! I was a teacher for several years. During that time, I learned,through seminars and studies and through personal experience with my young students, what terrible effects sub-standard childcare can have on a child for the rest of his/her life.

These studies said that young babies who do not receive enough one-on-one attention exhibit adhd-like behaviors,have difficulty in school, and have high anxiety levels. It was really sad to see the videos shown in the seminar I attended (this was intended for educators--not a pro-sahm movement or anything--just a learning tool for teachers to deal with certain behavior problems).

I knew I would stay home with my children until school-age because of this. I guess I just wouldn't know how to really be sure that my child was receiving the best possible care. The only thing I can think of, that I would really trust, would be a highly-recommended nanny...and that can be so expensive!

Anyway, there is good childcare out there, I know. My problem is that I would be afraid I'd chosen the wrong place. ie. I did home day care for a while to bring money in. Through that I met another home daycare provider who seemed really good at what she did. However, a month later, she was shut down by the state for administering cold medicine to the kids to make them sleep most of the day. This was a clean, well-spoken woman who acted like she loved these kids! I would have used her if I had to go back to work! How can you tell that this isn't happening to your baby?!

No matter what you do, you'll have your doubts. Sometimes I wonder if I've made the right choices for my little guys. But I do know that they're not being abused or neglected in anyway, and that's something about which I have no doubts.

FYI: I am NOT making judgements on anyone who puts their kids in childcare. As I said, there are good ones out there. I really think everyone should check out where their child is extensively before putting their children in anyone else's care...but anyone who comes to a site like this for advice probably would do that anyway!