My son [who will be 2.5 in June] is driving me crazy because he whines almost all day long. It will be "milk milk milk milk" and then the next minute "outside outside outside outside" and then the next minute "cracker cracker cracker cracker" and when he doesn't get his way, he will act out by throwing something on the floor, hitting me, or attempting to get it on his own [opening the door to go outside, or going in kitchen and getting the crackers off of the shelf]. I hate this whining... it really makes every day miserable. My son is my world, yet I don't enjoy our day together when he is like this. I relish any time I can get away from him. What do you do to help stop the whining? Should I give him time-outs for whining? I'm trying to teach him to ask for things nicely and he is starting to say please, thank you, etc, but I have no idea how to help him learn to accept the fact that he wont always get what he wants.
Another thing is, we will be doing something fun together [like coloring, playing with play doh, at a park playing on the playground, etc] and having fun, and then it's like a switch goes off in his head and he will start acting out. We have a sand box in the back yard, and I'll sit and play with him and we make sand castles or fill up his bucket with sand, and then all of a sudden he will throw sand out of the box or ruin the sand castles we just made. Same thing happens when we build his train. We put the tracks together, put the train on it and watch it go, and then all of a sudden he will start pulling the tracks apart to wreck it. When we color, he will sit still and be very careful with keeping the crayons on the table, and then in an instant he pushes all of the crayons onto the floor. Why does he do that when we are having quality time together and he is already getting plenty of attention? I give plenty of positive attention and positive reinforcement for good behaviors, yet he still seeks negative attention. Is this normal?? Should I chalk it up to him being a 2 year old? Any suggestions?
sounds to me like tired and hungry. all boys whine when they are hungry even the grown ones. I never noticed this until I worked constuction with a lot of men right before lunch and right before time to go home they all would whine. I started noticing my teenage son was the same way. and then when my step sons came to live with us food would stop their whining almost magically. jmo
Be firm and calm in dealing with him. Utilize time-out if he doesn't stop after a single warning. If all else fails, try ignoring the whining. If he lacks an audience, he may soon tire of the behavior.
A 2 yr old has a short attention span. Activities need to be short. Once he starts dumping sand or pulling apart tracks, it's time to move on to something else. If he's getting hungry between meals or is short on sleep (not napping well), he might be getting over tired, and does not know what to do to fix his case of grumps. Diversion and re-direction are your best tools. If he just had a snack and is whinning for more, tel him no, and if he keeps asking, start singing no (pick any tune and just use 'no' for the words). A lot of times I could derail a negative turn of events with a tickle game or a few tummy flubbies. Tell him hitting is not allowed, and he gets a 2 min time out when he starts up with that. Just when you get this age figured out, he'll have grown into a new stage and you'll have to start all over again. Motherhood keeps us on our toes!
He's whining because it is working on you.
You need to change that.
You can make it a joke and say that you can't hear through the whine, and say that if he can't ask nicely, you won't be able to hear him. Put yourself in front of the door, or with a foot holding it closed. Store the crackers higher up, etc, so he has to manage to learn different communication. And once it's explained the first time, then exaggeratedly say "WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU? The magic word wasn't in there anywhere!" teasingly when he's just whining.
Reward the hell out of it when he says please. Let him have what he wants and tell him you knew he was an awesome young man who could ask you politely!
As for the kicking the sand castle, that's just his attention span which is completely normal at that age combined with a natural tendency in boys to want to see order rendered chaos after their bored. They like to blow things up once they get them working, crash things into them, etc. This is his indication that he'd bored with the building portion and ready to move on to something else.
I have been taking a parenting class and this is the recommendation I have based on what I have learned. It's about maintaining the heart to heart connection and giving them choices and letting them make mistakes. "Loving on Pupose" is the name of the book (it is a Christian resource).
When my 3yo is whining (or "whying"), I tell him that this is not very fun for me. I then give him a choice of us having more fun or he can go to his room (not as a punishment or time out), but so that he can be by himself for a while. When he is ready to come out, I am smiling and loving towards him and we can play more.
Tearing things up is normal for my 2 boys (even though my older one is 11 - LOL). They just need to help clean up when they are done. If they won't, then I give the choice of cleaning up their mess or I do it. With my 11 year old, I tell him he can pay me to do it ($20 or more, depending). With the 3 yo, I say that he can help me clean up, or he can do a different chore.
I am still learning to apply this myself and things are not perfect, but I am seeing a difference by letting them take ownership of their actions.
I have a no whine policy, basically if you are whining I don't hear you! I totally ignore the whinning child like they are not even there or talking. When they stop whinning then I listen and respond.
At first I would say "I don't understand whining, you must talk correctly." and start with the ignoring process. It took a bit for them to first understand what was going on but then would stop and either give up or talk in a normal tone which I would happily respond to. I never had the hitting, temper tantrum type issue when not getting what whining about so I am no help there.
Even at 11,6, &4 my children still dont always easily accept or understand that they don't always get what they want... even if asked for nicely. So this is something you will struggle with forever! Be firm...if you say No, don't give in. If you give a discipline, stick with it, etc. He is only 2 so it will get better.
Also...some of the behavior you described like during fun time sounds like my middle daughter....... she was bored. She is gifted (129 IQ) so she always needs to be challenged. I am not saying that is what is going on (my youngest is also gifted but never behaved this way) but maybe just try thinking of things in another perspective for a bit. When my middle is bored she acts up. When she started 1st grade this year and they were doing all the typical review and acess where you are, etc. She reverted to writting in all capital letters (something she never did, not even in PreK) just because she was bored and wanted a bit of attention too. Even now when something is too easy for her, if she is not given some kind of challenge somewhere else, she acts up (not terrible just enough to let you know she is bored) luckily her teacher understands this so is always trying to challenge her somehow. If the class book is way below her reading level (and they always are) her library or homework book will be a bit higher then her reading level so she most work at it. She is always asked to help other students once she is done. Trying to help them understand is challenging for her (she is not allowed to tell them the answer or how to do something but help them figure it out for themselves).
Also- he is 2 so he is trying to stretch and test his boundries. He is trying to be more independant and take more control of his day. Give him choices more often (between one of the 2 shirts you want him to wear, or eggs/ceral for breakfast, etc)
As Mary said try to stay calm. I know that can be hard!
Good luck hope this helps some :)
Just a thought here, maybe he needs a little more "he" time and a little less "we" time? At two, they are are bundle of push me pull you- I want you but I want to do it myself. If you build the castle, he might be mad because he wants to build the castle, he wants to color, he wants to build the train, but he can never do these things a well as you can. He may need to just do things and have you be an observer, not a participant. He depends on you for everything, from getting crackers, to building his train. Sounds like he needs a little self reliance, even if that means imperfection.
I would not let him whine or be demanding without taking action. Don't deliver a thing when he is demanding, and put him in time out, or what ever you do, and be consistent about not giving in to being bossed around by a two year old. He will get the idea very quickly that this is no way to get what he wants. Step up the discipline when he gets it himself or hits you, but be calm and consistent and always do the same thing and make sure that there is nothing in it for him.
He is getting something out of this behavior that he does not get any other way, but that may just be what ever he wants at the momement, which would be ablsutly typical for a two year old!
One bit of advice that works with kids this age. Tell him what you want him to do instead of what you want him to stop doing. Instead of "stop whining" say "ask nice" or use pretty words, or what ever you expect him to act instead. At this stage, he cannot do the opposite of what you say, it is too many steps and he is not developmentally ready to interpret what you said and come up with a new acceptable behavior.
M.
He sounds like a typical 2 year old little boy. Their concentration isn't that long so whatever he is doing he is going to get very bored very quickly. The whining thing takes time and pratice. If he wants a cookie and you say no and he starts whining, throwing a temper tantrum or whatever is that you ignore the negative behavior and refocus his attention to something else.
It sounds like case of classic boundary pushing. I have a 6 year old who still pushes boundaries and I don't see an end in sight.
I have noticed the best (not the easiest) way to handle this is to refuse to participate in the whinning or the behavior. Tell him once that if he wants his cracker/milk/juice/etc then he needs to ask nicely. If he continues to whine, then he does ignore his requests until he asks nicely.
If he tries to get them himself, then put him in think time or time out. Time outs are more effective with some. At this age you can make him sit on your lap for timeout. Just remember not to talk to him or give him any extra attention - he is in time out. Time out is think time in our house and you cannot think if you are talking.
If he throws his sand out of the box or wrecks his trains, then you stop playing and find something else to do. Walk away from all temper tanturms - don't let him drag you into his tantrum.
Good Luck,
S.
My son went through that (he will be 3 in July) and I just would tell him once that I only speak to him in a big boy voice and then wouldn't talk with him or acknowledge his whining and soon he'd stop because it wasn't working in trying to get attention. Good luck!
Whining is the worst! It is very much a 2 year old through 4 year old thing, but you can help him to control it. He does not have all of his words and an understanding of what he is feeling so help him with Frustrated, angry, hungry, thirsty, tired... This will help him recognize and verbalize his feelings.
We always said, "I do not understand whining."
:"Use your regular voice."
If the whining continued, I would tell our daughter "Go to your room and find your regular voice."
If there was screaming " I can not understand your words" (do this with almost a whisper so he will have to quiet down to understand you.
The tantrum part where he wrecks things and throw things. you can say "We do not break toys." "We play with toys."
If he continues, "Well, we do not mistreat the toys." "Time to put these away so they do not get broken." "We are soft and gentle with books." "We only throw the ball outside."
Also, start giving him a heads up on the plans for the day. "This morning you will play inside so mommy can wash do the laundry". "After lunch, you will take a nap." " When you wake up from your nap, you will have a snack and then we will play outside"..
It helps if each day can follow a certain schedule. This way he will know what to expect. In the morning you do chores or run errands. Lunch , nap, play outside, make dinner..
I don't do anything for a whiner and all my kids know it. I do less for a fit thrower. In fact if you throw a fit, I may just decide to take you in another room and let you throw it on your own. You will not get to come out of that room until you stop throwing the fit. Once the hissy is over you will have to say your sorry before you can come out. The next five thing you ask for you won't get for bad behavior and I will remind you of this. If you want a glass of milk you will get water, because you through a fit. If you like the green cup, you will have to drink from the pink one, because you through a fit. If you would like to play in the sandbox, sorry you will have to play in the grass, because you through a fit.
Anything said in whiny voice is an automatic "NO." I like to be asked in a polite way. Model the way to ask, with "please and thank you." If you can't ask nice, then the answer will be "NO."
Don't ever back down and allow those behaviors and don't give excuses for poor behavior. you aren't helping you little guy to grow up to be sociable.
For my two year old, the whining started a while back, and that is one thing that sets my nerves on edge. There is absolutely no reason to whine for a snack that he knows full well I am already getting for him! Drives me crazy. But what has worked with mine is to tell him to smile and use a happy voice. Or to use his happy face. He can't whine or cry if he is smiling. Mine also knows please and thank you, etc, and uses them almost every time without prompting. Except when he is whining. But since we have worked on 'happy voice' all I have to say is that- "Happy voice" just like when you prompt "what do you say" for please and thank you. The reminder instantly transforms his question into a polite one and he usually gets what he wants that way. Now he even catches himself and fixes the attitude.
The bad part is when he catches himself and properly asks for something he can't have. I just try to explain why it isn't possible right now, acknowledge that it isn't fair, and redirect his attention. If he procedes with a tantrum, I just ignore him and walk away. So far it has worked pretty well.
I always recommend Love and Logic (they have several books and parenting information) in situations like this. Check it out (at your local library if you don't want to buy). I would start "time-outs" immediately. When your son displays a behavior that you do not approve of, just calmly say "Uh-oh, time for a little time-out." Pick him up and either set him in a certain place (chair/corner/stair) you've designated for this. If he will not stay, put him in his bedroom (if you have to go this route, you will need to remove all of the "fun" items from his bedroom before you do this). Shut the door and stay in the hallway. do not let hhim come out. Do not talk to him. Do not say a single word or respond in any way. When he is done crying or throwing a fit, and has been calm for a minute or two, then go in and tell him that he had a timeout because of ____ and next time he is not to do that. Then give a hug and go play. Repeat as needed. In about 3-5 days, you will notice signifacant improvement. Read the books for more info. It's all about keeping your cool so they don't get a rush from seeing you upset. Show him you are in control (even if you don't feel like it right now), and he'll get the picture. You can do this! Hang in there! These can be the best years of your life, and it is up to you to teach your son appropriate behavior!
When he changes gears like pushing the crayons to the floor it is saying "I am done with this activity" without the words. Give him the words "Oh you are done coloring, lets put the crayons away and find something else to do" Two year olds have short attention spans and will change activities every few minutes. Once he is good with his words then you will see things settling down. Milk, milk milk.. say "You want some milk?" and teach him how to ask. Also if he watches Max and Ruby, he could be imitating Max who repeats the same word over and over. My three year old granddaughter did that off and on for a while after watching it. It drove her mom crazy too..lol.
Just remember to concentrate on the good things and times for the day and not think about the stressful ones. You should always be enjoying him more then being irratated and that is up to you and how you deal with the situations. This too shall pass is words to live by when they are young.
My 2.5 yr old goes through the same thing. For one, I can say be firm. If you say no, stick to your guns otherwise he'll know he can whine and get what he wants every time. As far as throwing things and tantrums...I usually either use diversion and distract him with another toy, or sometimes it just comes down to a time out. At this point I only give about a minute but it seems to be working better and better each time...he's getting the point. Just the other night he got mad about somethinig and threw the magnets off the fridge. I took him, gave him a time out, made him go back and pick them up, then give me a hug. Doesn't always work that easy but like I said, each time he seems to get it the idea a little bit better. I also find that sometimes he just gets too wound up and I have to make him slow down and sit on the couch for a few minutes to calm down. It helps too!
I haven't read the amswers so I may be repeating here...
I have 3 YO twins (whining X2!!) and I calmly tell them that "Mommy's ears do not hear whining and if you need something you must use your big girl voice" and then I ignore (or repeat the above) until they use a proper voice. I find saying the EXACT same thing EVERY time works really well w/ my children.
Another thing I do is when I say "Mommy's ears don't hear" I wave a hand in front of my ear. Like sign language, they now associate that movement w/ "no whining" so when we're out in the yard w/ their friends, etc. I can just do that and they get the picture.... no need to call them out in front of their peers.
Good luck!
I ignore it and/or say, "Sorry, I don't speak whine. When you decide to talk like a big boy, we can discuss _______."
