How to Avoid the Kid Next Door?

I'd like to hear the answers myself. I live in a housing complex of duplexes. While the next door people are fine. It's the neighbors, down the way. They just behave wrong. They are too rough. I'd like to be friends with the parents but I can't do that and at the same time tell them not to play with the boys.

He could hear it from the neighbor or another kid one the playground, you can't stop the world. Now is the time to explain to him that those words aren't ok, no matter who else is saying them.

As to video games, I am not strict on them, but there are games that can't be played, my kids will leave if the games being played aren't appropriate. My 7 year old knows what the symbols on the back mean, I taught him so he could have more control and very clearly understand what games he can't play, without having me over his shoulder.

I don't know that there is any way to do it that won't alienate the neighbors. I guess if it is that bad then you are just going to have to say no, but I think the parents should be given a chance first.

I know you have had a lot of responses and I didn't have time to review all of them, so forgive me if I repeat what other moms have said. We have a similar situation. Although, the boy would not be who I would like my sons to be with, they have learned many lessons about how to behave through his bad behavior. We have had so many discussions about being honest, being respectful, being too rough, using appropriate language etc. I try to view it as an opportunity to teach my twin sons the proper way to behave. I can't change that this little boy is in my neighborhood but, I can use him as a teaching tool.

I must have missed your earlier question and am now reminded of our similar problems which plagued us with neighbor kids and "playdates" when the kids were your son's age through about 10years of age. (Ours are now both boys who have just set off for college). Most of the previous advice would be as mine: limit playdates to YOUR house, keep explaining and teaching and setting limits and sending anyone home to explain himself to his own parents for having to leave your house (after you have carefully given him your reasons), and unless they are unusual, do NOT address the parents directly unless they come to you.

But I will add another thing not seen in your advice. The video games, the internet usage, the possibility for real trouble when unsupervised as older preteens and teens is very real and very explicit and very potentially dangerous and damaging. We were always known as the strict or over-protective parents, but told our kids it did not bother us one bit to be so named and showed we were doing OUR job. We just hung tough through the years of highschool (aka the last ones of your true control). And it was a terrifically difficult time to do so, we'll admit.

But over those 4+ years, we observed three important things which we never imagined would be the case: 1) parents were always happy to allow their kids to do things with us or our boys, one mother saying a weekend adventure was fine and her son didn't even need to ask "if he was invited to be with us". I guess by then parents knew how we operated. 2) most of the kids themselves wanted to hang out at our house rather than theirs--yet knew we would always be home if they were allowed to be here, because we had a rule that if we were not home our boys could have no friends in nor could they be away. And while this persistent 'friend-attitude' and acceptance was surprising, there was one more, even larger, totally surprising result. 3) in highschool when popularity and perceptions seem to matter most, OUR OWN SONS, would find ways to divert friends' invitations to other places or houses back to ours!! They both had use of cars and could theoretically go anywhere if they informed us. And our house STILL had major limits, and sometimes as older kids arrived later in the evenings driving their own cars as 17-18 yr olds (i.e. some by then with no mandated legal curfew), we would speak to them when greeting their arrival about no use of anything illegal in our house and that we expected them to depart no later than midnight. There were very few special occasion exceptions to our midnight rule. (We did this to remove the stigma of such news having to be delivered by our sons when they were all still sprawled out in the basement rec room at midnight...) The friends were all great;one would remind the other of the time as it got later and later, it seemed. To this day they stop by on college breaks. Many seem like our surrogate sons. It is for sure that ours felt that sometimes they might be lured to trouble which others had every intent on engaging in during those late highschool years, and decided to use us and our house rules to "protect" them from peer pressure.

Life is strange and this third finding has been our biggest surprise to date. Having a pattern and set of rules early will only help you immensely when your son is a teen---a time they try to dodge and avoid all parenting; if you suddenly try to enforce new rules then, you are likely to have very large problems. Hang in there, sounds like you have an early and good plan!!

We have had similar incidents over the years raising our four kids. What I usually say to the child that wants to hang out with my child is, that he is welcome to come over here and play, but that in our house we do NOT use bad words or treat other children unkindly, etc. ( whatever the current issue is). If they slip up, I let them know that that behavior is not tolerated here and that they need to go home. When you are ready to play nicely without using bad language, you can come back. If they ask for my son to come over, I say he is not allowed to go over, but you are welcome to play here. If the parents ever comment on why their son was sent home, it is a great oppurtunity to open up the conversation. I once had to say to a mom, Johnny was hitting the other child with a stick and I asked him to stop, when he did it again, I told him he could not play here until he was ready to play nicely. I told her he is welcome to play here anytime, but our rules are no bad language and we treat everyone with fairness and kindness. Any parent is going to think these are good rules, whether or not they enforce them at home, they still believe that it is right. They will only be embarassed that their child didn't follow the rules and may start to realize that their lax parenting has created a child that doesn't feel they have to follow the rules. Even if they get defensive, by saying well...your son said this and that when he was at my house. You can apologize for your sons behavior and then suggest that maybe it's best if these boys don't play together unsupervised until they are mature enough to maintain their integrity when parents aren't watching them. As for the cousins, most parents would not be as defensive of children that aren't directly theirs. My daughter used to play with a little girl next door, 2 yrs younger than her. When her cousins would come over and gawk at my 12 yr old, ( they were all male 16-20 yr old boys) I would tell her she could not go. She would be upset, but I just told her that they boys there are not ok to hang out with and when they are gone, you can go back. She didn't see my reasoning, but respected my decision on the matter. You are mom, you get to decide. Going to barbeques is a different matter. You can participate in family matters without letting your son take off. If he tries to join the crew downstairs, simply say, no honey, I really don't want you hanging out there with older kids and no parents. Why don't you guys play outside, etc. If the mom says, oh it's ok, they just want to play video games. You can say, thank you for the offer, but we don't let him play or watch any games not rated E ( or whatever) and he has picked up a little bad language from older kids so we'd rather avoid those situations until he is more mature and can choose to not hang out with kids who use bad language. If someone is willing to break off a friendship because you wont let your child be in that environment, they aren't very good friends.

One more comment. I hate to blame my children's behavior on other kids. I feel that once they are 6-7, they should be able to somewhat control their own behavior and should take responsibility for it. One of my best friends had a very rude, rambunctious daughter a year older than mine. We went thru about a year where I would not let my daughter play with her. Not because of my friend's child, but because of the way MY child behaved when with this girl. I just told my friend, that until my daughter could control herself, she was not allowed to be unsupervised with her daughter. This is an incredible learning opportunity for your son. I hate hearing mom's complain about other kid's bad behavior, and then blaming their own child's bad behavior on being learned from some other child. NO BLAME - TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR CHILD. Good luck!

Hi C.,
Please forgive me if I come across as preachy, or anything like that. That isn't my intention at all. But I do think you have been presented with an important teaching opportunity, that you can and should take advantage of.

My advise is, DON'T turn them down all the time. When the neighbor boy comes calling, let your son play with him -- at YOUR house only. This way you have control over the situation. If you hear or see unacceptable behavior, put a stop to it. Who knows? Maybe YOU can be a positive influence in this 8 year old's life! If not, the neighbor boy will eventually stop coming over, because he won't like being at your house, where he's not allowed to behave badly, etc. If you occasionally accept or better yet, extend an invitation to a party or bar-b-que, you will have the opportunity to model "being a light" to your son. It doesn't mean you become their best friends, or spend bunches of time with them. But being friendly in return is a good thing, and it will preserve the neighborly relationship you desire.

We are in this world, but not of it. We need to be a light that shines in the dark. We're not to hide the light, we're to share it, right? You can use this situation to teach your son to be a light, in what can be a very dark world. If you protect him from the realities of this world, how will he ever learn to live in it? The older your son gets, the less influence you will have over whom he will choose for friends. You can use this situation to teach him how to be a good influence in the lives of his peers.

I'm sure there are many who will disagree with me. But perhaps it's something to consider?
Blessings,
M.

I know you have already posted a follow up and I skimmed the many responses you have already receieved, but I had to add my two cents. First, explain to your son why the boy's behavior is bad, and that if he acts badly, the playdate is over. At 7 years old your son is responsible enough to walk away. It may be hard as he does not know exactly what is bad behavior yet, but you can use this as a time to teach. Second, instead of confronting the other mom, ask her questions. Say something like, "Your son swore while at our house yesterday. We don't allow that in our home. How would you like me to handle it?" Her reaction can probably tell you all you want to know without having been confrontational.

I give this advice as I have lived this. My 7 year old son has a boy one younger across the street. We had some very bad moments. He has three older sisters whose friends are also often at the house. He can be a cruel little boy sometimes. But if you think about it he has to fight for himself at 6 years in house full of women. My kids now know that when he acts a certain way or makes them a feel a certain way, they walk away. I have spoken to the mom at length, and she needed help. She wasn't a bad mom, just a misinformed and overworked mom. We have worked a lot out. I also sat down with the little boy and explained what behaviors my kids would not tolerate and why. I was not a really heavy talk but I felt he should be included. It has taken many months and lots of supervision but we all seem to understand each other now. My kids are allowed to play outside or at our house with him, but they still don't go over to his house, unless I go too. But the length of play without incident has greatly increased, and amount of tears have greatly decreased. Also, I read an post about reaching out the boy. I did this too and it was a big turn around moment. In our talk not only did I tell him what he couldn't do, But I explained why. I explained that I was setting these rules because I cared about my kids and about him. I talked to him about what he could do and what he could talk to me about and how he could come over when he needed an escape from his house. Try to think like the little boy and it's amazing what you will get in return.
Good luck....

C., you are a wonderful Mom - and your husband may not thank me for this suggestion--- however- guys do speak somewhat a different language - what if he were to say to the other Dad--- ''' My wife is pretty protective of our little guy- and she's concerned that the older cousins are going to pull him into ''big kid'' behaviour ( like the cursing) - that he is too young to know how to handle--- I know she wants our boys to have fun and be kids- but it's being a real problem for her''' --- Perhaps - oh perhaps the two Dad ( being ''' let's solve this problem''' type men- could come up with a compromise that would likely look like --- neighbor can play at OUR house just fine- but time at HIS house will be more restricted, particularly if the older cousins are over - nice kids- but too old for our boy'' (((((( now, that's likely what you are already doing- but with the Dads' stamp of approval it might be easier to stick to--- )))) There's nothing like ''' because my DAD says so ''' - to put the Goodhouskeeping seal of approval''' on a rule--- not fair- but we all know it happens ---

Blessings,
J.,
aka- Old Mom

I didn't read all of the responses so I may be repeating what others have said.

I would try talking to the parents to let them know what video games your son is allowed to play when over there.

But more importantly I would try to have the majority of the playdates at your house where you can supervise behavoir and language.

Also if he is knocking a lot and you want to limit the amount of time he spends with your son. I would just let the boy and his parents know that your son has chores or homework or family time but would be happy to play at such and such time. That way he will maybe refrain from coming over at other times just looking for someone to hang out with.

I would also make sure your son knows your boundraries and reinforce that he needs to be a good example to this boy.

Finally if the older cousins are over find your son another friend to play with or do something special with your son so he doesn't feel left out by not being allowed to play with the big group.

Good Luck

I have to say I agree with Lori S. The bad behavior is not the boy, and it reminds me of "A Christmas Story" too. Not that your kid heard it from your husband, but just that he said it. I have a similar situation with a neighbor boy that I'm not real fond of, and don't care much for the now divorced parents. However, he is only around every other week, and is in my son's class at school. I can tell a difference in the way my kid acts when playing with this boy, so I just limit the time they have, and they either play outside with my supervision, or at our house. I just enforce our rules all around, and if the little boy doesn't want to follow the rules, he gets to go home. Your job as mom is to protect your kids, and teach them to make good decisions. If you cut all ties completely with the kids that just play rough or say bad words(FYI your son probably hears them on a daily basis at school)it could backfire to where he starts to rebel as he gets older, and only chooses to hang with the kids you would disapprove of. So, yes protect him from evil, but teach him your morals and values. Have conversations with him about what is right and wrong, and he will "get it" and eventually make good choices in who he hangs out with. Instead of saying "we probably won't be playing with that boy again", teach him that those words(especially in the presence of you)are disrespectful and you don't want them coming out of his mouth. Give him a chance, if he continues to have foul language, then the consequence can be not to hang with the neighbor boy. As far as him playing unsupervised in the neighbor's basement, you have control over that. Just set your rules and stick to them. You don't have to constantly turn your neighbors down for BBQs. You can go, and parent your kids while you are there. They will catch on to your parenting style, and who knows, they might even learn something from you. Now, a few years ago, my son heard me say S*!T. He repeated it, of course. I told him it was a bad word and mommy shouldn't have said it, and he definitely shouldn't say it. We then had a small problem of that word coming out of my sweet little boy's mouth a lot. We eventually acted out the soap scene in "A Christmas Story." He hasn't said a bad word since. I try to watch my mouth, but sometimes slip. Last year my daughter heard me say S*!T, and repeated it. My son then warned her that she shouldn't say that because soap in the mouth is really BAD. In her sweet little 3 yr old voice she said, I didn't say that word, I said SHIP. My point to this last part is that bad words are not the end of the world, and you can easily get a handle on your son saying them. He just has to know what is acceptable and what isn't. By the way, now my kids correct anyone they hear saying bad words. They keep us in check. Good luck.

You supervise. The kid can play at your house with your son because he'll be supervised. Your boy knows he can't go in the neighbor's house without asking you first. If he asks at a time when you can go "visit" too, then fine. If not then the boy can play over at your house.

As a compromise, you could try this. First, discuss the bad language with the neighbor, and tell them you're hesitant to let your boy play with him because of it. If they react correctly (alarmed and regretful that their child speaks like that, and planning to give him a lecture), then let the boys play together outdoors, or in your home.

Forget about playing in the other kid's house for the time being. If things go well for a while, you can revisit that issue. Your son could easily leave if there were bad video games or rough cousins visiting.

If the parents are in denial about the bad language, then it looks like the relationship between the boys is probably over.

p.s. I had a neighbor who, along with a few others, did something horrible to me a few years ago. I remained kind and polite, but kept my distance, and now all of the parties involved are my supporters. I'm not naive enough to be their best friend now, but being gracious worked well.

C.,

It is your motherly duty to rear your children the way you feel is best. The way I see your situation over there is that you should be inviting THEM to your place more often. It is perfectly okay to tell your son that he cannot go over to the neighbors, but that he should come to your home.

Make your home the place to be. The cool hang out. Go to those barbeques and have some of your own.

You're doing the right thing to be concerned for what things your son learns when you are allowing him to go elsewhere.

V.

OK, I know you already updated us on the situation, but I want to echo the mom who suggested you go and visit when he does. That way you can "sort of" supervise, and she can see your parenting style in action. If you are ever going to address the parenting concerns, this is the best way to do it. BTW- you can't complain to a mom about the way her child behaves in his own home, but you CAN complain about his behavior in YOUR home. And you can certainly discipline yiour child in the neighbor's home.
Either way, the more you get to know your neighbors, the better. And don't turn down the BBQs! This is the exact kind of situation that I am talking about. She can see you discipline YOUR OWN child, and get to know what type of parent you are and learn your limits. Or maybe she will think you are uptight and not want the boys to play together LOL. :)
Good luck!

I would invite the boy to play at your house, where you can supervise. That way, you can set rules about what games are allowed, what language is acceptable, etc. If they insist they want to go next door, I think you're going to have to simply say "No, I'm sorry."

Maybe you can talk to your neighbors and explain that you don't feel comfortable with your son hanging around with the older boys unsupervised, so you'd like the boys to just play at your house from now on.

Clearly there needs to be discussion with your son about what is appropriate and acceptable behavior - he's old enough to learn these things, and in a way that's a good opportunity, although I do know how difficult it is when close neighbors are involved.

This may very well cause a rift with the neighbors, and you may need to accept that. But hopefully you'll be able to communicate your concerns with them and work out a solution. Good luck!!

I agree that it is not good to let your son go over to the neighbors and play unsupervised. However, that does not mean that the neighbor boy can't come over to your house to play. When he knocks on your door by all means let him in to play. This way you know your son is supervised and you are in control of the situation. I also think it is just fine to socialize with the parents and go to their parties. If your son is invited to the parties too just make sure you keep a close eye on him. If anything inappropriate happens at your house you are in a perfect position to correct it so take advantage of the situation, but keep it under your control. If the biggest gripe is the cousins just make sure your son never goes over when the cousins are there or are going to be there.

C.,

I feel the best thing for you to do is ask the parents if you could schedule sometime to talk about the boys. Be Honest about your feeling of the situation and be open to what they want to share. I believe the biggest block of friendship or any relationship is thing left unsaid. It is important for you to be coming from a space of masterminding about what is best for both children and not already be set in what you believe is the best solution.

Wishing you all the best of luck. Good neighbors are a blessing.

With my whole heart, C.

I would take this as an opportunity to be a good and positive influence on this boy. You could welcome him into your home with specific guidelines for behavior in your home and encourage a more positive environment. That way you can influence their interaction together to be more positive for both of them.

How about allowing your son to play with the kid at your house? Chances are the kid will behave much better at your house (especially without all his cousins around). Very soon, your kid is going to be involved in so many activities that not seeing neighbor kids is not that big of deal.

If pressed by the parents, just say your kid was starting to sprout some language that he said he picked up over there (likely from the older kids). Just let them know kids grow up so fast any more that you just want a little more time for innocence and that their son is welcome at your house and you value their friendship. They might be OK or they might be miffed, but ultimately you need to do what is right for your family.

Good luck.

I think you might have to confront his parents. Well, not confront, but discuss. Say, "You know, my son dropped the F-bomb the other day. We don't use that word in our house, so I didn't know where he'd learned it. He said he heard it from your son, and I just wanted to let you know." I think that last part about "I just wanted to let you know" is supremely important, because without it, it sounds accusatory and will put the parents on the defensive. They'll feel like they have to explain how that word came to be in their son's vocabulary, and that you're accusing them of being bad parents.
If they seem speechless, let it go for the time being. They may need time to think it over, and if you were to avoid their son for the next little while, they'd at least know why. They may come to you in a few days and be ready to discuss it, or who knows, maybe they'll just say, "what's the big deal?" in which case you'll have to tell them that you value their friendship and enjoy their company, but you can't send your son alone over there anymore.

Personally, I would limit the time my child would spend over there and suggest they play at my home more often.
As long as you talk to and teach him what is right and wrong, you have to let him have experiences that will let him try to stand up for himself, it just doesn't have to be very long at a time.
You might also talk to the other mom of your concerns, maybe she won't mind talking to the kids of thier language.

Ugh. That's a tough one. I think you have to remember that your SON has to come before even good neighbor relationships. But, you may just have to have them play at your house from now on. You may just have to state to the parents that you would feel more comfortable with that arrangement. Of course, if you ever see or hear any inappropriate behavior coming from the neighbor boy, you would need to address it as your house rules. Good luck. :)

I think if the boy is bad for your son, now is a great time to allow him in your home to play under YOUR rules. Maybe your son isn't to go over there, but if the boy is polite and fine at your house allow that. If he acts obnoxious at your house then I say it is time to seriously talk to the parents. If they get along, are friends then maybe keep the playdates at your house only. If they invite you to BBQs and you genuinely like them, go, take your son and keep tabs on him.

With neighbors it is hard as you have to be very careful. If you are close enough with the mom, invite her for coffee and just say your have some concerns with your son at her house as you think the older kids at the house aren't really influencing your son positively. There is nothing wrong with being honest, but not necessarily attacking her son in the process. Bring up the cussing, just say it isn't allowed in your house and confusing for your son when he is at her house around the bigger kids. Put it on the bigger kids not so much her son. Reassure her you adore her son and your son does too but maybe when the bigger kids are around that the boys play at your home? That way you aren't putting her parenting down, but maybe explaining it from a different prospective.

Explain you have limitations (say it is disruptive to your son's homework or why you have your reasons) on video games and it is hard to reel your son back in after he has been at their house. That her rules work for her famiy and that is great, just you have to set limits on your son for your reasons. I am sure anyone with reason would understand you just have different rules and respect them.

I would allow the neighbor boy to come over and play at YOUR house, under YOUR supervision. Sounds like he could use some positive adult interaction/influence. Just don't let your boy go over there. That's exactly what I would do.

This will continue to be a challenge as you raise your children. You can only control just so much of what they are exposed to, particularly once they hit the school years. The method I used when my own were growing up was that I would welcome the neighboring children into my home to visit my children. At my house they were supervised and the behavior rules of my home were the behavior rules while they were at my home. I never hesitated to speak to them about it if their behavior was not up to my standards. But if the behavior standards or supervision level was lacking at their home, my children were simply not allowed to go there. I simply welcomed them into my home instead. The neighboring kids loved to be at my house - it was a magnet for the neighborhood because I was sincerely interested in the children and children sense that. Even the neighborhood teens would come hang around when my own were in grade school. As long as they showed good behavior, I welcomed them with open arms. I will add that although I never looked other parents in the eye and said I don't believe they supervised the children properly, they were sometimes stung by the fact that the contact between the children had to be at MY house. When asked for the reason, I would simply and mildly "blame it on myself" by saying like "maybe I'm overprotective or something but I'm the kind of parent who wants to know what my children are doing at all times."

C.,
I know that you have already gotten a lot of advise, I just wanted to share with you my experience in a nut shell. I did talk to my neighbor about her child and as a result she festered about it all weekend then made up lies about me to CPS on Monday morning. Before that our community was very close and is now unbelievable divided. I have found that we all say that we want to know if our children are miss behaving, and what ever else but very few of us take it and improve. Good luck.

This reminded me of A Christmas Story and had a little laugh. No matter how hard you try your kids are going to hear things you don't want them to. You just have to reinforce that which is good. Make sure when you do this you reinforce that the behavior is bad not the boy! I don't think you should avoid the little neighbor boy all together. If they play at your house than you have a little more control over how they play. You can correct any bad behavior with an "oh, we don't do that at our house." Or if they are playing outside you don't have to worry too much about whats going on in their basement. And if his cousins are over than you can say no!
Good luck!

My suggestion is that rather than avoid him...invite him to your house if that's possible. Then your son's good qualities and your good parenting will rub off on that boy rather than the "freedom" of the other house rubbing off on your son. And if the other boy doesn't want to play at your house then you are free of him. And it won't be you being rude...and when they ask you why he can't come over just nicely say he has other plans. Hope things work out.

i know you have had lots of responses but let me add another. sorry it will be long..

we moved into a house and there was a boy next door one yr older than our oldest. wow-- we were so stoked. the parents were church going bible class having parents of the block. what more could you ask?

time told us alot. this child was horrid. i too had to restrict playing to only my house and constantly correcting this child. we would do this awhile then try again with my boys going over there.

it got so bad sometimes my oldest would get his younger brother and come home because this neighbor liked to pick on the younger one or act inappropriate and my older one knew better.

(we are talking preschool to 3rd grade ages here not teens)

the finaly straw was when they were 9 or so and i heard this boy telling my son that he had purposely distroyed some toys of his and his sisters with gardening sheers. how his dad had been so upset and punished him by grounding him for the week. as i listened i came to know that it had happened just that morning. here he was at my house that afternoon. he is laughing and telling my son how he got away with this premeditated distruction AND how his dad was basicly lame because he also got out of punishment.

at that point i told him i thought it was time for him to go home. he had no idea why. i informed my son of my thoughts on the matter and that there would be no more contact with this boy.

during the couple of yrs this all built up-the couple - more so the husband- were shown more in their true light because we actually were a good parent couple and family and they more pretended. they were no longer the best on the block.

the father came over after a couple of days and asked what was up. why i had told his son the past couple of days that my boys could not play with his son. so i flat told him. i dont approve of his behavior and im done having my kids being exposed to it. so dad says- so you're saying that my son is a bad influence and i replied straight up.. "yes"

the dad was all like- just because he was being a boy and i punished him for that. so you dont think i punished him enough? and i told him, its not that I dont think he was punished enough... HE KNOWS he wasnt punished enough. he said so himself.

although that was the end of that... this man still caused trouble in our lives. he didnt like being shown up. it got into having the cops called every time our dogs barked. but i got with the cops and told them what had transpired and they gave me tips on how to handle it and it all worked out and backfired on him and never heard a word again.

i say- talk to the parents. dont just present them with a problem and blame. let them know you have a problem not them. and you are looking for a solution and would like their help. make it like you are asking them to be on your team to help your son not develop these habits. they KNOW if their son or nephews and nieces are teaching him these things.

by letting them know in the manner that you are aware they will have to pony up and stop it or become part of the problem that you may just have to remove your child and your family from.

it IS possible to live next door and not communicate. i know its not how anyone wants to live but always put your child and your family first.

my boys are 19 and 21 and i have never been more happy about a decision i made in their lives than that one. and yes- they knew exactly what and how it all went down.

good luck :)

I have to agree with Jennifer. You can't stop the world! My daughter started saying something inappropriate when she was 3. I figured out that she had learned it from TV. Not TV that she was watching, but stuff that was on in the middle of the day when I was watching and she was in the room playing. I had to tell her that it's not a nice thing to say, and we don't say it. A little while later, she heard a little girl on the playground say the same thing, and she promptly came to me saying "It's okay to say ____ now because she said it!" I then had to explain that no matter who else says it, we are not to say it. It goes the same with behavior. My kids are not allowed to jump on the couch at home. When we go to someone else's house and their kids start jumping on the couch, I tell my kids that even if someone else is doing it, it's not something that we do. They do surprisingly well with stuff like that.

I'd say that what you decide to do here really depends on what you want your relationship with your neighbors to be. You could mention the language to them, and see if they knew it was happening. But chances are if the older kids are using the language, their parents are or don't care they are, and your neighbors probably don't care either if they continue to have the older kids over and don't say anything to them about their language. If it were me, I'd leave the issue alone, unless an appropriate time happens to come up in conversation with the neighbors while you're hanging out already. The best you can do is teach your own son what is appropriate or inappropriate behavior/language, etc. The earlier he learns what his values are and how to stick to them, the easier it will be later on when you have to let him make his own choices. He can go over there knowing how much time is appropriate playing video games. Send him over with a timer that he can set if they're playing. When it goes off, it's time to do something else. My four year old daughter has time limits on her computer games (which are preschool related anyway), and she's very good about getting off the computer and doing something else when it goes off. If you teach him what's right, and to be strong in his values, he'll do the right thing on his own. If you're really worried about it, or don't trust that he'll choose the right thing over at the neighbor's house, then you can take some of the other poster's suggestions and just have the neighbor kid come to your house where they can be supervised the way you want. Or play outside. Or only allow him to play over there if the older cousins are not around. You can also give your son a time that he has to come home so you can limit the time he spends over there. Maybe tell him to come back in an hour. That way, whatever they're doing, they won't have enough time to spend "too much time" doing any one thing. Anyway. Just think about what you want your relationship to be with your neighbors, and which battles with them or the son are worth fighting. Hope this all helps.

We have kids in our neighborhood that aren't the nicest or the best behaved. You cannot avoid them, you need to teach your son what is acceptable behavior for your house and what is not. Only allow your son to play with this kid outside or in your house. The "bad" kids in our neighborhood are only allowed to play outside with my son and he is not allowed to go in their houses. Soon they start to congregate with each other and not come knocking all the time, because they don't want to play outside all the time.

C.,

I know you've already received numerous responses and have an idea of how you are going to handle this, but I just wanted to share my experience as I have a very similar situation and can respond empathetically.

My son is 7 years old and the neighbor boy is 9 (although you would never identify the age difference for several reasons). The parents are very lax with parenting and allow many behaviors that I find unacceptable. I actually talked with the mom (as I have a personal relationship with her) and she basically said there is nothing she can or will do. Another poster said she tried talking also and it didn't seem to do any good. So, I'm not sure I'd go that route either based on your relationship. I'd let it go.

On the other hand, I try to be cordial to the neighbor boy because I am seriously afraid of who this child is going to be when he grows up. And, I don't want to be the victim of his delinquency when he's older.

I put a lot of the ownership of behavior and choices onto my son. I have had very frank conversations about behaviors I find unacceptable and choices the neighbor boy makes that are inappropriate. I tell him that fowl words make him look ugly. He might think it's cool and grown up, but even when grown ups use them (which they are grown up words) make them look ugly too. We talk about fighting, gun play (as they like to play army), respect, sharing, etc. etc. etc. If my son chooses to make bad decisions, then there are consequences for him. He is put on restriction or has to write standards or looses another privelege. I use these opportunities to explain to my son that when he chooses to play with this boy he often makes bad decisions. And, maybe he should choose NOT to play with that boy to avoid getting into trouble.

Sometimes my son does and sometimes he doesn't choose to play with the neighbor boy. But by giving my son the freedom to choose prevents my son from getting a bad reputation (I don't want him getting teased or picked on because I have stricter rules). I give my son examples of what to say to the boy when he doesn't want to play with him. I also go out of my way to find other friends my son can play with and I try to host numerous playdates and foster those relationships. That way my social son doesn't choose to play with the neighbor boy just for the sake of playing with someone.

When my son does choose to play with the neighbor boy I refuse to let him play in his house or backyard. My son must be in the front yard where I can check on him frequently. Or, they can play in my house or backyard. I have told the boy of my house rules and explain that he if he doesn't follow my house rules he won't be able to play at our house. I also put ownership on my son to help enforce the rules and set a good example. (On a side note, my son has found that this boy will be the first to come knocking on our door to have my son help him clean up the things of his that they play with, but when they play with my son's things the neighbor boy is eager to make excuses why he has to leave and refuses to clean up.)

Finally, general rules my son has to follow when playing in the neighborhood...he's never allowed to go into anyone else's house without first coming home and asking if it's okay. I must know where he is at all times. He also is required to where a watch and it's his responsibility to come home at an agreed upon time and check in periodically. We've had numerous discussions about strangers and p****** p**** (as I have a friend whose little girl was touched inappropriately). Overall, I try to have open and frank conversations with my son about appropriate behaviors. I recap playdates. And, I try real hard to give my son the power to make good choices. This is what real world is about and it's not easy. We've lived here since before the boys were born and so we've been dealing with this issue since my son was old enough to play outside. It takes time and persistence and patience.

Good luck!

Dear C.,
It would be nice to think you can ask your neighbor to play by your rules, as Deb suggested, but in reality it seems they have very different house rules. It is more likely that you will have to limit play to your house and to outside play and explain to your child that different families have different rules and he will still have to follow your family's rules no matter where he is. If that means no cursing, that means no cursing, and be sure to impose a penalty, such as a cursing jar or losing the privilege of playing with a favorite toy, if he curses. He'll quickly learn that the neighbor's new habits won't play at your house!

sometimes kids around the neighborhood will teach our kids bad habits or are allowed to do things, like play video games or see movies we wouldn't allow our own kids to do. The important thing is to stick to your rules and let your kids know you are going to stick to them. My kids are always saying that others kids are allowed to play teen rated videogames or seeing PG-13 movies but they completely understand that they will not be allowed to do those things - my son is only 9.

take care, S.

Lots of responses! But you are not alone....my son is very sweet and kind of smaller for his age...the boys across the street all skateboard - and since we are new to the area we encouraged our son to go outside and made friends. I was SO PROUD of him for going over there with his skateboard and hanging out with them - it took a lot of courage to go over there....then one of the older neighborhood boys was picking on him, so we had to let our son know it was ok to stand up for himself and to come get us if anything happened...and the other boys I would hear say a few words that I did not approve of...and he started to feel uncomfortable and his skateboarding is very 'beginner.' I stopped encouraging him to make friends and when he wanted to be a loner in his room, I thought it would be better than exposing him to that fowl behavior. He still has outlets for being social at church - and somewhat at school, but it's really sad what this world has come to and not be able to let your kids play with other kids because they do not know how to act.
If I were you, I would not feel like I had to explain myself to the neighboring parents at all. If they ever questioned you on this, you could explain the reasons behind it - but I doubt they would ever question you. If you wanted to form/save a friendship with them, you could make an effort to invite their whole family over for a sit down dinner and that would show an effort on your part to be friends without exposing your son to their household...and then they would be there to monitor their son's behavior....and possibly see a huge difference in manners at the dinner table between your son and theirs. I love it when parents try to judge or give advice on parenting and then we put my kids and theirs side by side and they end up looking embarrassed....my kids say ma'am and sir and act appropriately and eat everything on their plates....while some kids are wild and not respectful and don't obey, let alone saying please and thank you.
You're doing a good job and just remember - your son is your first priority, not their feelings. :)

I know you've received numerous responses, but had to share my very similar experience. Our neighbors seemed to be the nicest people when they first moved in & my husband & I enjoyed being around them (although their children's behavior became quite clear very quickly). They were/are some of the most disrespectful children we've ever been around & they rule the house. Even knowing this, we allowed our daughter to occasionally spend time with their girls (our daughter loved their girls) because we taught our daughter how to behave & how to respect others. We would allow their girls to come to our house on occasion as well and they behaved at my home because they knew they had to (otherwise, they got sent home).

With all the controls we could possibly put in place, it still got to the point I couldn't bear to be around our neighbors or their children inside or outside of my home. I did my best to avoid being around them altogether. Over time, I found this still just didn't help and the final straw occurred just after this school year began. On 3 separate occasions, their girls did things that led to my daughter getting in trouble at school. Without going into detail, the things they did were beyond my daughter's control & there was nothing she could do to avoid it. This basically resulted in a blowout between us & the neighbors & we haven't spoken since. In all honesty, life has been quite nice since this occurred.

All in all, yes, your child will be in situations where they hear & see things they shouldn't or that you prefer they didn't hear or see. Your only defense is to teach your child. However, when you're talking about neighbor situations with such close proximity, it makes for even more difficult & awkward situations. The older the children get, the more difficult the situations can become. When the parenting styles differ, I think it's inevitable there will be a breaking point.

I was so glad to read your question and all the amazing responses, because I have a similar issue. We have fairly strict guidelines about respect, kindness, and obedience in order to have a safe and happy family, and a neighbor boy who doesn't share those values, doesn't like to be corrected (which I try to do kindly, but am accustomed to a respectful response!), and has been disrespectful to me when I am at his house. I did bring it up with his mother, who is very level-headed, recognizing that criticism of a child's behaviour can be very personally threatening to a parent! I told her, "I need a strategy for dealing with your son. I think I'm pushing his buttons. This is what he just said to me..." Another mother was present and gave her advise also, and I heard from her that my neighbor took it well.

My husband, not so. He wants to avoid our kid's interaction with this boy altogether, especially since he is in position to be a powerful role-model to our middle son who is 5. This affects our whole family, because when our 5 year old is rude and mean to our 3 year old, the whole fabric of kindness and respect to others unravels. For now, we've easily been able to avoid interaction, but in warmer weather when kids get outside to play it will be harder. I don't think it would go over well for me to tell my neighbor that my kids can't play with her son.

Reading all these responses is a big help... to keep the playing at my house, to give some reasons that don't blame my neighbor or her parenting style, and to send this boy home if he can't respect the rules of our house. I will tell him if he can't go home when I ask him to, then I'll need to call his mom. Of course, I'll need to work this out with my husband, but for now, I respect the wisdom of his decision to keep our kids apart.

All the best to you and your family!