I Need Help with Getting 4 Year Son to Go to Bed at Night

My daughter goes to bed with the tv on... I don't see a problem with it... I let her leave it on for the light mostly. I mute it once she's asleep so she isn't listening to noise all night.

As for getting a 4 yr old to bed... get in bed with him and read him a book or rub his back till he falls asleep. He will be comforted by that. I still rub my daughter's back before she goes to sleep and she's 12yrs old now. You could offer a reward of some kind if he does well... like a special breakfast with Mommy before school.

My daughter HATES to go to bed. After bath I let her watch a 15 - 20 minute show (in lieu of the TV in the room) and then she is aloud to listen to a CD in her room for background noise. I let her pick out her own sheets (cheapies from Wal-Mart) and we got a clock that lights up from Wal-Mart too.

I told her every night when I put her to bed "Mommy will be back to check on you when the big hand is on the 2 (or whatever number), don't get up, because I'll be back." I would put a sticker on the number I was coming back on so she wouldn't get out of bed under the ruse that she forgot the number. And then I would go back and check in on her, keep the talking to a minimum, give her a kiss on the head, say "Try to go to sleep." and move the sticker 10 more minutes, and go right back in 10 minutes. At first she was still awake 45 minutes to an hour after she went to bed, but she didn't get up and we didn't fight anymore! Then the time gradually got less and less she would get drowsy and fall asleep watching the clock and waiting for me to come back. When I went back and she was finally asleep, I would turn the clock off so if she woke she would know I had been there and gone and wouldn't be back.

After about a week I would wait 15 minutes, or I would let her pick the number (Sometimes she would pick for me to come back in 20 or 30 minutes). Now, a year later (she is 5) we don't have to do the clock anymore. She does usually come downstairs to "tell me something" one time. And, I can sometimes hear her playing in her room, but that's fine with me! She doesn't turn on the lights, and she eventually just climbs in bed and goes to sleep.

Since he's been sleeping in your room, you might try doing the clock thing in your room first and then let him pick out some new sheets and do it in his room after he's used to it. Good luck!! Be persistent, he'll get there!!

Too many changes at once...mom "kicking" him out of the only bed he has known and sending him to preschool. His world has been totally turned upside down. He is reacting the only way a 4 yo knows how. Not saying his actions are right, just that is the only way he knows how to show his upset.

First, start gradually working him out of your bed. You made the decision to have him in your bed, why punish him because you decide you don't want him there any more?

My 5 yo has only been in his own room and bed now for 10 months; successfully all night long, going to sleep in his room about 6 months, so I know how difficult that transition can be.

First, go shopping and let him pick out a new bedding set (sheets/blanket, pillowcase, etc) for his big boy bed. Make a BIG deal about what a big boy he is now and getting the new stuff for his big boy bed. If he is still in a toddler bed, maybe the mattress isn't as comfortable for him as the regular bed mattress. This was part of our problem. Once we got him a twin bed with a regular mattress, he hasn't come back to our room except for when he is really sick.

Start with letting him go to sleep in your room then carrying him to his bed once he is fully out. Some nights he may come right back to bed with you, some nights he may come back at 1 a.m., and some nights he won't come back at all. However, when he does come back, let him and try again the next night. Each night do the same until he spends a full month in his room without coming back every night.

Once he sleeps a full month in his room without waking, then start putting him to bed in his room. Sit with him, no talking (make that rule clear that if he isn't quite and still you will leave and he will have to be by himself, give a few warnings/reminders as needed till he understands and gets used to the new routine). Go a couple weeks like that and then start slowly reducing the time where you are leaving just before he falls asleep, then to only staying a few minutes, then to only tucking him in/reading a book and saying good night.

Get some sleep music for him also. This has helped our son not to feel so alone. We also let him take 5-10 minutes before bedtime to pick out sleep toys. He isn't allowed to play with them and doesn't (they will be taken away if he plays and he knows this), however, it allows him to have something in bed with him. Most nights, there is quite a pile of toys LOL (which we move around to allow room for him to move once he is asleep). He is now to the point that after we tuck him in he drifts on off by himself, some nights he is awake longer than others, but he is quiet and resting. We also leave the hall light on so it isn't dark in his room.

Good luck and just take it slow. He has spent 4 years in the bed with you. The transition isn't going to be easy for him and it isn't going to be quick.

I am not a fan of going to bed with the TV on but what about a video with something calming, classical music etc...
The TV the kids have in there room has a timer that you can set to go off in 30,60 or 90 minutes. Maybe you need to start a new routine with him for bedtime. If you have a routine now tell him that you are starting a new one since he is a big boy in school now. You have to be strong and consistent. If you give in even once then you have lost. If he has a chair in his room then tell him that for ** number of days you will sit in the chair for ** number of minutes, then lessen the time. If your son understands the calendar, then mark it on the calendar how long you will stay in his room on each square and mark them off as you go. I would also have rules like he has to stay in bed, no playing, no talking and if he breaks the rules then you will write that on the calendar and leave the room. If you read to him as part of your routine now then change it, if not then read to him but put a limit on the time or number of books you read, I would also choose books that are not to exciting to read at bedtime. Good Luck!

It's a long, hard process. Move to his bed and inch your way out each night. I had to sleep in the hallway outside my son's room for almost a week. I bought the Sleep Lady book and tried to follow it: http://www.sleeplady.com/

try leaving the tv it helps my daughter fall asleep and honestly i cant go to sleep with out it on either. its not a horrible thing to let him watch a little tv at night and let him wind down. after he falls asleep go in and turn it off the lights can wake him up. (however i only wake up when the tv is turned off!)

Dear A.,

This is a major job...but don't totally stress out...I had the same problem w/my now 10yr. old dtr...She would holler and refuse to go to her bed...I tried sleeping on floor by bed...sleeping outside her room..nothing worked...except patience...I would soothe her and lay on floor next her bed everynite...until she finally would fall off to sleep..This lasted for many months...Be patient...This too will pass...I know its a nitemare now...but be patient...and gentle...Your son is experienceing anxiety w/you leaving him...Be patient is the only rememdy....

Best Luck
V.
Memphis,TN..

Hi A., we have gone through various sleep issues ... I know it can be very frustrating. Your son has two very big changes in his life at once, pre-school and going to bed by himself. Just the pre-school in itself could make a child revert to more comforting ways. Does he take a nap still? If so, it would probably be best to cut that out so that he can sleep earlier at night. Also, most experts say not to have a tv in your bedroom ... that it can lead to sleep problems ... and would be so tempting to a little one.

You may want to try easing him into sleeping on his own now. Maybe by lying down with him for a while, then moving it to sitting on the bed, then into a chair ...

He has a lot to process with a new situation of "pre-school". Even if he went to daycare ... this is different. My son went to pre-school at the same school that he is now in Kindergarten, and he had a difficult time the first two weeks even though he loved pre-k.

Good luck! D..

Hi A.,
It sounds like your son got quite used to sleeping with you in your bed and it's going to be hard to transition him to his own. I would try the Super Nanny technique because it really does work if you stick with it consistantly. I used to have the Super Nanny book and the technique is in the book I believe. Also watching her show is neat because she uses the technique on her show. The jist of it is you go through all the routine of getting ur child ready for bed, brush teeth, go potty, etc. Then when it's time for bed give him hugs and kisses and tuck him in. If he comes out of bed you are to put him back in his bed over and over and over until he stays there. I think she says not to talk to the child, just return him to bed and walk away. On the show, a couple from Hawaii did this and it took about 2 hours I think. It was grueling for the mom, she was exhausted and sweating! But her kids finally stayed in bed. The 2nd night she only had to return them to their beds a couple times and they stayed there. The super nanny told the mom to keep at it and DON'T give up. Anyway, obviously I'm a super nanny fan :) I hope this helps in some way. Take care and good luck!

Your response implies that he has a tv in his room. I'm not a fan of having a tv or computers in children's bedrooms. As the other readers have said a consistent routine is necessary. Since he is only 3 or 4 I would recommend starting this routine around 6:30 - 7:00p.m. (6:30 on nights that you are going to give him a bath - 7 if he is not taking a bath) In our house we do baths on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday nights. The children get pajamas on, take vitamin supplement, brush teeth, read story, say prayer and then go to sleep. They each have a nightlight and can listen to calming music on low volume. Before starting the routine I would tell him that he is a big boy and tell him about the routine. Some children do better when we communicate in advance what we expect from them. When it is time to go to bed - if he starts throwing a fit - tell him "I love you, it is okay to be upset but big boys don't throw, yell, scream, hit or whatever he is doing that he should not be doing then tell him that you are going to leave him alone until he calms down. I would also recommend turning off all the tv's in the house around 6 and maybe a most of the lights while he is getting ready for bed. This might be a helpful cue for him. After you leave his room I would spend some quiet time in the house until you are pretty sure he is sound asleep. Maybe fold laundry or something.

I let my 4yo watch her tv in her room for 30 minutes before bed then the timer goes off and no more tv. She tried to get up and turn it back on so we put a timeer on the back at the plug and she cant turn it on anymore cause there's no eletric going to it now. Its all about routine. Its bath then book and snack and teeth bruching then tv then sleep. 90% of the time she's asleep before the tv goes off. Does your 4yo still take naps? I discovered that on days she takes a nap its much harder for her to fall asleep at night. Sometimes a 20 minute nap around noon is ok but longer then that and getting her to bed before 10pm is impossible. I let her rest in the afternoons though with come TV or computer time if needed but only about 30 minutes. Good luck! I hope someon on here helps you out

A., OT for a moment, and unasked-for advice. An only child after a long time to conception, parents tend to be over-indulgent with them. At four years old, your son should have been sleeping in his own bed a long time ago. Be aware in the future that you may have a tendency to over-indulge him and be more lenient than is good for him. (You also don't want to go in the other direction and be too strict with him either. (This child rearing thing is a really difficult balancing act!))

Now, about getting him to sleep in his own bed. Letting him sleep in your bed for so long has made this an uphill battle. Ellen's suggestion about the time on the clock and the sticker is wonderful. It gives the child something to focus on (and usually fall asleep with).

Another thing to try is reading to him. Gather a large collection of age-appropriate story books. (You may even want to pick out a few movie-based books with which he might be familiar or other longer books that are broken up into short chapters to read a chapter a night. (This gives him something to look forward to - reading the next chapter together each night and he may actually be ready for bedtime before you are!)) Take him shopping for the books so he feels a sense of ownership in them. Get a small bookshelf for his room and store all of the books there. Then, each night, at bedtime, let him pick a story to read. Tuck him under the covers, nuggle up in HIS bed, and read his story of the night.

This may be a difficult transition t first but try not to give off too much stress. He will pick up on it. Make it sound like a fun adventure.

"Hey! Let's go read one of your storybooks we bought today!" Make it sound like the most fun he's had all day.

Another thing to watch out for. Avoid giving snacks or treats or much of anything to drink within an hour before bedtime. Getting the digestive system active right before he's supposed to calm down and go to sleep is counterproductive. Watch ou8t for dyes in foods, too. Artificial food colors can have an adverse effect as well.

Give it some time and be patient with him. He is, after all, only four years old. He will outgrow this phase if you are patient and persistent.

Good luck.

Band-aid approach!!! Don't try anything in 'stages', just come up with a plan and follow through with it. This will be difficult and you will have a horrible few days (week), but once he learns that the fits will not get him anywhere, he will stop. if you give it, you are encouraging the fits, so please be strong. (Something tells me you will be crying on your end, too!!)

I'd plan at least an hour for the bedtime routine. A routine that works for us is bath, teeth, PJ's, then once in bed, one story of his choosing, lights out, "what was your favorite thing about today?" (good esp for boys who need a little extra help verbalizing at times), then prayers and kiss.

My son also loves to listen to a lullaby CD at bedtime. We've tried others, but there is one I got as a freebee in a gift bag that has been his favorite for years.

Good luck!

Id start with removing the TV. If he needs background noise, try music, or new age cd's of the ocean or woods or something.

Plan for an extended bed time routine. Dont allow horse play or any excitable behavior as you are winding down. Take a long soothing bath with lavender oil.

Snuggle down in (his) bed with a few favorite picture books, allow him time to talk about his day. Then end with a chapter book that he just listens to.

You may have to sit in his room (no talking) a few nights first, It may not be easy, but be firm & it will happen.

Patience, my dear. And firmness & consistency. This will not last forever. Hang in there.

P : )

Hi

I have a 3 year old and I know it's hard. I used to let her watch tv and that didnt work to good. She would stay up for hours and then I tried putting her tv on a timer and that helped. So now I try to stick to the same time and I have her pick out a book or two. I tell her before we start that after we read then she has to be a big girl and go to bed and mommy not going to stay in here. So far she has done really well with it and I just tell her the next day how proud I amd and how big she is acting. So now I read then she read to me lol. Then she tells me goodnight. I know it's hard but it will get better. Good luck

Go to bed with him in his bed a couple nights. Read to him, or just tell him a story until he goes to sleep. It is a tough adjustment, and you offered him safety without Daddy in the house. Any change is tough, but bedtime is the toughest! Good luck and God Bless.

My daughter is also 4 and every once in a while still gives me issues going to bed. A routine is a must. Kids love a routine. Every night for us it is bath (on bath nights), pjs, hair brushing, teeth brushed, story, hugs and kisses goodnight and we leave the room. She does have a little CD player in her room and my husband made her a sleepy time mixed CD of all calming music that she will not go to sleep without. She also has a nightlight on and one in the hall bathroom.

I tend to find on nights when she is giving me issues going to bed the best thing to do is simply give her a hug and kiss, say goodnight and walk out. The key is to ignore the tantrum, not feed into it; the more you linger in his room and fight him to go to bed, the worse he is going to act. If your son is not one to typically get up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break, then a gate at his door might help to keep him in his room. If you don't want to use a gate, then as the below poster said, just calmly take him back to his room and tuck him back into bed and leave.

I would also suggest to take the TV out of the room altogether. Sorry to say, but no kid really needs TV in their room and its just inviting him to turn it on at his leisure and watch what he wants. If he is used to the noise of the TV, I highly suggest a small CD player. He may like the TV on just for the noise, so maybe calming music at night might help him.

This was a response I wrote for another mom with same problem:

Would you believe that there is a really simple solution to this problem? Have you ever watched super nanny on one of the major networks? It's a show about a common parenting challenges solved by renowned "super nanny" Joe Frost. I have personally tried her methods and they work. First off, though in my own experience I find that my children go to bed without fail if I am very consistent with the bedtime routine. I have always used book reading (to them as they lay in their bed) as a reward for being cooperative while we bath, brush teeth and get into jammies. I also keep one step ahead of them by offering them a small drink (only like 1/4 cup of either water or milk) before they head to their rooms. They both have night lights and they always get big hugs and kisses before I leave their rooms.
Our routine goes something like this bath (on bath nights) or wash up (on alternative nights), brush teeth, get the small drink, put on jammies, go to the potty, read a book of their choice, (if they have been cooperative) and when I say cooperative, I mean that they have listened to my instructions and responded the first time I ask them to do something. If I have to ask twice, they are not cooperating. When they learn that you mean business about cooperating, bedtime routine will go like a breeze. Our routine sounds long, but from start to finish it takes about 30 minutes (a little longer if it's bath night as I let them take long baths). After they get read to I give them big hugs and kisses and them I bid them good night and leave the room. (A night light is helpful to some children) I have always taken the time to do this routine and whenever I try to cheat it, the results are not successful. I find that investing these 30 minutes pay off as I have rarely experienced the horrors that some parents describe with children popping out of their beds like popcorn. When my daughter transitioned to her big girl bed, she was curious about this newfound freedom. So I quickly responded with Joe Frost's suggestion which is: The first time they are up, you tell them it is bedtime and you walk them to their bed and tuck them back in and give a simple kiss and leave. 2nd time, you Say NOTHING and take them by the hand and tuck them back in, simple kiss and leave. 3rd time continue to SAY NOTHING, make less eye contact, refrain from trying to communicate through body language (don't let him know your annoyed beyond wit) put him back in bed (tucking in optional at this point) 4th time, Say nothing, walk him back (always walk him back instead of carry- the goal is to NOT give him anything kind of reward for his behavior) put him back in bed. 5th time, walk him back put him back in his bed ALWAYS SAYING NOTHING - BE EXPRESSIONLESS! No interaction. You will keep doing this without variation until he says put. This could take a long time to do the FIRST NIGHT... the second night will be less.... the third night will be even less... fourth night it should be cured... and always respond the same consistent way if the unwanted behavior should rear up a week or month later. If the method is followed without variation, it's a guaranteed cure!

Sleep is very important. It is not healthy to deprive a child of a needed nap just so a parent gets a kid to collapse into bed at the end of the day. Go to www.sleeplady.com to read more about the importance of sleep and how much each age group requires. According to many sleep experts A child between the ages of 2-4 need 10.5 to 12.5 hours at night and one nap that is 1 to 3 hours long. It is not recommended to skip naps until a child is 5-6 years old. I always wonder if parents understand that sleep is just as important as food, if not more!
I reserve staying with my children in their room if they become frightened in the middle of the night by a storm or a scary dream.

My method outlined above will work at nap or bedtime. You can have a shortened routine at nap time. My children KNOW that after lunch comes nap. They don't even question it. First we have lunch, wash faces, go potty, wash hands, and I usually make sure what ever clothing they have on is comfy: example if my daughter has a dress on, I have her nap in her slip, or if my son has jeans on, I take the jeans off and just let him sleep in his undies... being comfortable is sometimes overlooked... anyways even at lunch you can read a short little book, maybe a board book at nap and a longer book at bed time. both of my children like to sleep with their lovies (teddy bear, baby doll) Hopefully your child has something that gives him some comfort... if not, you could go shopping with him and let him pick out a stuffed animal that he likes.

Oh I don't envy you! After 3 children I'm afraid the only thing I can offer is patience, love and understanding! I placed a child gate on my children's doors so that they still had the bedroom door open, nightlight on, but they were unable to leave the room, of course if he's this age, it may be difficult since he'll be able to open it. I tell my children they are big now and have to sleep in their own beds. When they trapse into my room during the night, I walk them back to bed. Yes, there is crying, but you have to place them in bed, cover, kiss and walk out....don't try to soothe, it only makes it worse for both of you! I suggest doing it when you are able to have a couple of sleepless nights and don't make the mistake, as I have, of letting them climb into bed in the middle of the night. It just makes things worse...the bed routine is wonderful. Reading a book, only one and then lights out is our routine. Big sister has since taken on this job but I'm still the final light person! Hope this helps and just stay consistant...I dislike that word, but it's necessary!

A.,
I highly recommend coming up with a special bed time routine. Bath, book, prayer....make it a special event all about him. Buy a special night light and an alarm clock that plays music for an hour while he's falling asleep.
Just my thoughts...hope you are able to use them.
Good luck.
Jen