I Need Some Advice, Has My 14 Year Old Gone Too Far?

Have you talked with the school guidance counselor? Does he see a therapist/child psychiatrist? How long did you try the psych help?

I wouldn't be threatened by a text like that. I'd just laugh it off to be honest. You seems super worked up. Idk, I'd have a go at family therapy. There just isn't enough info for me to formulate a decent response other COunseling

I am going to be blunt, he is self medicating because he cannot handle the world you have forced him to live in. Stop putting yourself and your need to have a man first and concentrate on him. 14 is about your last chance to make a change in his life that will help him choose a better path.

He's rudderless... his school situation isn't stable, you have a boyfriend who treats him like an afterthought...

*You* show him how he deserves to be treated. When you put up with a boyfriend who treats him (and yourself) as less important, that's how he sees himself.

It won't be what you want to hear, but it's time to buckle down and make your son your first priority. Not a loser boyfriend who can't even bother to give the Christmas gift. He already has an absent dad--I mean, how many more negative messages does he need to absorb about himself. It is already hard to be a teen, even more so when your father doesn't want you and your mom is happy to be around someone visibly isn't going to make an effort.

YOU chose to have this boy. YOU have to get him help, and I agree with the suggestions of talking to the school counselor, but this didn't come out of nowhere. He's wanting to be where he feels he *belongs*, even if it's with people who are making terrible choices. He feels wanted with them. Not in the way. If he's smoking weed and doing drugs, then he's likely trying to obliterate his feelings so he doesn't have to cope. He may have exhausted all the ways he knows of coping may just be giving up. You aren't fighting for him, why should he fight for himself?

I know a lot of parents who look at their kid and can spout off a list of problems with the child. They fail to look at their own behavior and choices and how that impacts the child. Until you get your own situation straightened out, how can you expect a child to?

Regarding the message you received: I don't know what "tshgang" is, but if it's not a typo, and if it perhaps is referencing a gang, I'd be at the police department NOW with that phone.

Now, on the other issues: I looked back at your previous posts. You've said that your son's dad is not involved, and your boyfriend seems to interact very little with your son. You said he stopped buying your son Christmas/birthday gifts, and demands more money from you because your son eats more than his share of food. And you've said you want peace in your home.

Peace, and stability, and security are not things like a blanket that cover up a situation. They need to be built from the ground up. I don't think that your 14 year old son has gone too far - I think perhaps you have not gone far enough. Of course, kids need attention, but what your son needs to know is that he is the most important thing in your life. He has no dad, and you have a boyfriend who doesn't care about your son. He doesn't have anywhere to belong. You may have to "clean house" - starting from the ground up with your son.

Evaluate the input your boyfriend has in your life. Is he your companion, or does he make your house a home, and the three of you a family? Does your son know that he can count on you or are you perhaps spending a lot of time with your boyfriend, and not available to your son? Are you consistent? Are you getting counseling about how to set boundaries and establish security as a mother? Give it all some careful thought.

G. -
I went back through your previous posts to see if I could understand what is going on a bit more.
FIRST...your boyfriend sounds like he really doesn't like your son. He doesn't buy him birthday or Christmas presents, yet you have been together for about 6 years. He also said something about your needing to pony up more money for your son and his eating because he doesn't want to be responsible for your son's food. Good lord. SO...DO YOU THINK that your son MAY be able to feel the resentment that your boyfriend has for him?
Your poor son has a biological father who wants nothing to do with him and his mother's boyfriend who doesn't seem to care about him.
How would YOU act? I would act out. I would rebel. I would search for love from someone else. I would smoke pot to try and make myself forget that my mother is picking her boyfriend over me.
Break up with your BOYFRIEND....get into family counseling with your SON...save your child.
Gah!

i've written volumes about what i perceive as your issues with your teenager.
before writing it all out again i'd like to know what you've done so far.
you've come here over and over, wanting advice about how to fix your kid. how disrespectful, out of control and non-responsive he is.
and you've got a lot of advice.
how much of it have you taken? have you done anything at all?
or are you still living with a man who doesn't like your son and makes it clear? have you continued to make it clear to your son that he's second fiddle in your life? are you still hoping for a magic bullet that will just fix your kid without you having to do anything to put him first in your life and parent him effectively?
or are you still just wringing your hands and blaming him for the crappy life you've forced on him?
khairete
S.

DITCH YOUR BOYFRIEND!!! How many times do we have to tell you this? I'm sorry if I'm being rude - but really!! Your "boyfriend" is HURTING YOUR SON! He may not be touching him physically - but he is HURTING YOUR SON.

Stop making excuses for the boyfriend. DITCH HIM. Show your son HE is the most important person in your life instead of your sex life. GROW UP! You have a son. He needs you. NOW.

ETA: You're asking the wrong question. Please don't make your son the scapegoat. It's true that he needs help to change his behavior, but truly ask yourself why he might be doing some of the things he does. Look at the big picture.

Original:
Get in touch with your son's psychologist and/or pediatrician to get referrals to places that can give him more intensive help. BUT---- don't just send him away to a place and expect them to "fix" him and send him right back into the environment that fostered these behaviors.

This next part, G., I'm saying with concern and genuine caring.

While your son is getting treatment (whether that is inpatient or more intensive outpatient), YOU have to take responsibility to for your part in this family dynamic where your son's behaviors developed. (I'm not relieving him of his responsibility; he will learn about that in his therapy, but now I'm talking to your role). You must get your family situation sorted out. Just based on your past posts with all the turmoil with the boyfriend for all these years, it could not have been a healthy environment for any family member, let alone a young boy who has since grown into a teen (you've been with your boyfriend for over six years, so your son was around age 8 when boyfriend came into your lives).

From the posts you've written in the past, your boyfriend, with whom you and your son live, does not live up to the role and responsibilities required of someone who is in a long-term, live-in relationship with someone with a child. He's just a warm body for you, but in no way has he stepped up to be a role model and a healthy ally for your son. Why do you keep allowing this? Do you not see how this affects your son?

You have just a few short years before your son is a legal adult and out of your direct control. Please don't abdicate your parental responsibility for the sake of a man who appears to care nothing for your son. Get into counseling yourself and find the strength to make these last four years with your son a time of healing and growing your mother-son relationship. It's really seemed to have taken a beating these last few years. Therapy will also help you learn to value yourself more so that you don't put up with people who are not worthy of you.

I truly wish you and your son the best. I hope you both get the help you need to heal so that you have a strong relationship as he heads into adulthood.

All of your questions so far have been about your son.

I know many have told you to drop the boyfriend. I know I told you to drop the boyfriend. Your son is acting out and screaming for attention. Show him he is your priority and ditch the boyfriend, focus on him.

He needs rules. He needs consequences for breaking those rules. Have him sit down with you and work out a contract on behavior and expectations. You can ask him what he expects of you as well, this is not a one-sided issue.

If he has stolen something? Turn him over to the police. It's called tough love. He needs to know you are serious. So far, you've allowed him to rule the roost when it comes to things like his education. What makes him think this is any different?

I will tell you when we moved from California to Georgia, our oldest had a REALLY tough time. REALLY. He was hanging with the wrong people. Making VERY bad decisions. He got in trouble, big trouble. Police were involved. He did NOT go to juvenile hall/detention. We got HARD therapy. First just him, then with Tyler, then with me, then with all three of us and then as a family. It was a grueling year. It's now 3 years later and our son is changed. He hated our move at the time. No easy walk to the beach and surfing. Didn't like making new friends, especially in high school. The therapy is tough. With the right counselor? You get down to the bones, your heart breaks, you cry, you laugh, and start mending.

Your son needs help. Serious help. If it means turning him into the police? You need to do it. Talk with the school counselors, your pediatrician and health insurance to get him the help he needs.

You've posted about other problems with your son and the issues of moving to different schools. So he's in an insecure state with a lot of upheaval, and he may be acting out. You also have mentioned problems with your boyfriend so that may factor in as well. I'm not sure I understand your typing but you are saying you got a threatening message from a friend? If it just said "I know you're his mom and you better give him his phone back" then ignore it. If it's worse than that and there is a real threat, I'd report it to the police. What form did the message take? Phone? Written? Show the police what you have - even if it's nothing right now, they can keep an eye on it for any escalation.

I'd also talk to the school resource office about your 14 year old out on his own and getting high.

When you say you have "tried psychology," what does that mean? You've tried to use psychology on him, or you got him counseling? If you didn't do formal counseling, do it. If he's too big for you to physically drag, then work with a counselor yourself to figure out parenting strategies and whether he needs a more structured program that's not voluntary. Friends of mine put their teen in a locked program for about 6 weeks and she straightened right out with incredible discipline and realizing how much she had to lose if she couldn't live at home. You need a team approach here.

I get that you are distraught - but you don't have the luxury of checking out. You have to get a grip with some real expert advice from an ongoing therapist who can give you more stability and checkpoints than we can give you here. You could get 10 wonderful suggestions, but if you try them all in rapid succession, there will be no consistency. Your son needs to learn that you are in charge here, and his life will be much better if he gets serious about school and friends (appropriate ones) and sensible use of free time. I feel like you are really scattered in your thoughts and that things may not be totally stable at home with the boyfriend - you cannot be distracted when it comes to your child. So get the professional help and guidance you need to pick a plan and stick to it.

You've asked this same question, in different forms, many times. Can you tell us what you've done with the advice you received previously? Are you still with your boyfriend? Have you started family counselling? What about counselling just for you?

Otherwise, I feel like we are giving the same advice over and over. If you are not going to take the advice the moms here are giving you, what's the point?

It sounds like YOUR life is a mess which is making him act out. Psychology help can take quite a long time, how long was he going? Did you go to counseling with him? Find out what you are doing to make him act out like this. And if you have a boyfriend that doesn't care about your son, then get rid of the boyfriend.

When one of mine was out of control, we had to send him to a Wilderness Program. While not cheap, it began the process of getting him back. That age seems to be a turning point for good or bad. I would not mess around. Get an emergency meeting with his psychologist and send him somewhere to regroup. I know it seems drastic but it saved my son.

This must be very hard.

I know in the past people mentioned your boyfriend (as in he may be part of the problem). I may have too - only because you'd had some posts about how he treated your son or his attitude about him.

I think you've done all the things you are supposed to do in these circumstances - as in you're talking (but I hope you're listening to him more), and psychological help. What does the psychologist say? What do they advise? When my son went to a child therapist a few times, she was able to give me so much insight into what I could be doing differently - it was extremely helpful. I felt lost on how to parent my child, and we turned that right around. Are you seeing the psychologist also? Before I did, my son just going to see her didn't help much. I had to go separately - which I found very supportive and helpful - before we could change things at home.

It can't just be your son that changes. Your home life will have to change too. That could mean boyfriend, if he's not a positive aspect to your son's life.

Sounds like he has upset you in the past. Teenage boys become very resentful of men who don't treat their moms well, or upset them. Your son is likely very observant.

So the bigger picture may be that there needs to be some massive change. You haven't really mentioned that - you keep focusing on your son's behavior. I get that, been there .. but it likely won't improve till you're willing to change things that could really be causing him grief. If it were me, I'd talk to the psychologist myself about the family-boyfriend dynamic. Ask her/him what she thinks and advises. They are usually bang on - sometimes it takes an objective outsider to shed light on things.

As for the phone and skipping school - it doesn't sound like the school change helped your son to feel he fit in. Again, I'd look to the bigger picture. Does he not feel like he fits in at home? Your son sounds as if he needs a steady secure place to fall - you sound like a very loving devoted mother. But when kids go astray usually there's a reason.

My son got into problems when I became ill. His rock was no longer the rock I'd always been. That scared him and he felt a bit lost. It took quite a long time to figure that out. You'd think I would have understood it but I was so busy dealing with his behavioral issues that it never dawned on me he was just scared and feeling a bit lost. He didn't know how to put it into words.

I had my son see a psychiatrist who specialized in tweens and teens and issues like anger, ODD, ADHD, anxiety, and stress. He went weekly for two years. I went at times too...just me. I suggest you try this. You can do what is called "family therapy" where they see each of you one on one and sometimes together. Do you feel bonded to him? Do you feel like he is bonded to you? If you don't feel close you need to work on this and the therapist will give you methods. I had to do this...it worked well, but my son was younger. He needs to feel like you like, love and respect him and that you like the person he is and want to hang out with him...that you are interested in his interests and are proud. The therapist worked with my son on making good choices, controlling his moods, taking responsibility for how he treats others and for his own actions. It was very helpful. He really liked his therapist...she was a very cool woman. I think was important to the therapy working so well. I am so sorry it has gotten this bad. I see in another answer that you have a boyfriend. He should go to this therapist too because you all need to work on the family dynamic. How does your home life feel to your son? How does your boyfriend treat him? My mom's boyfriend when I was this age liked to be in control and be the top dog in the family. I felt unsafe and afraid of him. I hated him and I basically kept a low profile and would hang in my room at night hiding away. My mom put most of her effort into him and not into her kids...I did not see this at the time but now looking back on it I know that I felt unimportant and I had low self esteem due to my family situation. Good luck.

Can I suggest that you visit with the therapist you had him seeing and discuss in patient care? If he's doing risky behaviors at this age then he's definitely going down the wrong path.

A friend sent their daughter to a facility where it was rather like boot camp but not the Physical Training and stuff, just very strict and regimented. She had a lot of evaluations done while there too, they found she was bi-polar. Medications helped her immensely. Like living with a different kid. There are outdoor camps, inpatient treatment, and all sorts of other options. I would investigate my options. Often insurance will cover this too.

Have you talked to his school counselor? Have you two gone for counseling? You're obviously not going to drop the boyfriend, so how about a military-type boarding school for at risk teens. He wants out and the boyfriend wants him out--win/win.