Kids Won't Sleep Through the Night

The real question is are you "doing something wrong" because you are uncomfortable with the situation or because they aren't "supposed" to be sleeping with you? If you are unhappy, but doing it because you feel guilty about the awake time you spend away from them, then do something to change the situation. It is incredibly painful for the parents, but I think that the Ferber method really works. You shouldn't feel guilty about needing to sleep at night just because you are away from them during the day. That way, when you are together everyone's happier and more awake. However, if you are okay with things as they are at night, then ride it out. Nothing lasts forever.

Hi E.,
This is not so much advice as it is an empathetic response. I have a four and two year old. Luckily my two year old is a pretty good sleeper, but my four year old is hard to get to sleep in his own bed and he often comes to our bed in the night. My husband is a mariner and I also work 4 days per week, so I can truly understand what you are going through. I believe that if it weren't for the fact that I am so tired all the time and a little lax as a result on this issue, I could get my oldest to sleep in his bed with less struggle. I think it takes a lot of energy for a while until these habits are broken. In fact, it has gotten better for a while when I stick to my guns even if that means and up and down night. Have you tried a reward chart? Anyway, good luck!

Set up a comfy bed of blankets on your floor and let them sleep there if you would rather not have them in the bed with you OR if you really do not mind, then don't worry about their ability to sleep by themselves in the future. I so enjoyed when my children were little and they wanted cuddle time at night. They are now 24 & 23 and they are not sleeping with me now!! Even though they do live here and sometime they do just come in and hang and talk with us!
My grandaughter(son's baby) at 2 1/2yrs has been in our bedroom since birth and is still there, in her own bed...about 50% of the time and the other 50% is with us. She still wakes up several times a night for brief minutes to be held or she lost her blankets or a drink. No big deal! Time passes so quickly!

not really any insight, except to tell you it will get better! my daughter co slept w/ us until she was almost 4...a couple of weeks before her 4th bday she decided she wanted to sleep in her big girl bed, and has slept through the night there ever since. now my 15 mo is in bed w/ us...
if you want them out of your bed, you could try some sort of mattress (futon works well) and put it in your room and let them sleep on that together. (as long as the romm is babyproofed) good luck!
L.

Hi E.,

i found good support on this topic in Dr Sears and Sears's "The Baby Book". I think the baseline is: enjoy to be close to your children! Even if you may lose some sleep, you will lose more if you try to force them into somebody else's views on how they ought to sleep. It sounds like your family uses its nighttimes wisely to get some snuggling and attachment in. What could be better? When they are older, they will have a magnificent base of love and trust, and will be ok to sleep alone. Our son decided to do that at around age 18 months. I am due with our second in a few weeks and curious whether he will return to our bed for a while. I think he might well do that. And i think this might be ok with all of us (my husband built a big bed -- 2 meters wide).

All the best,
D.

You are not doing anything wrong! I only have 1 child-15 mos and we're not yet at an age when she will SSTN. We cosleep and nurse so I don't expect her to. She's a baby. Babies are programmed to have their mammas nearby. It is absolutely normal that he wants to sleep near you. Would you want to sleep in a big scary crib? Mine didn't and at first I was stressed about it but then I listened to my instinct and talked to people with similar parenting ideas to mine.

I know the pressure to have a baby SSTN. It's the first question everyone asks. But waking is normal, and eventually they will learn to get themselves back to sleep. Usually she will sleep 7 hours or so then want a snack before going back to sleep (she wasn't doing this before 12 mos though). But then there are teeth coming in, growth spurts, stuffy noses, etc that completely disrupt that-how could it not? So, if your drive to get the kids to SSTN is external, try to let it go. If, on the other hand, you can't take it anymore there are methods to help them.

Ferber is not the only solution. That method makes no sense to me. I am available to my baby when she needs me all day, I don't understand why night should be different. Babies cry because that is the only way to communicate at that age; I don't want to teach my daughter that I will ignore her needs. There are other techniques. Check out the book "No Cry Sleep Solution." Pantley is the author, I believe. She is a mother of several children, not a certified sleep expert, and has some methods that many people find very helpful.

I think there is nothing better than snuggling my baby at night. She probably feels the same way about it. If you are away from the kids during the day, and if your husband is traveling (mine is away a lot so I can relate), then it just makes sense that the kiddos would want physical contact with you at night. I also can't believe my baby is 15 mos already and know that everything changes so fast.

Hi E.,
I remember those nights! I think I felt like a walking zombie the first few years of my sons' lives. Thankfully, they do grow up (mine our new approaching those teen years). Nevertheless, I was at my wit's end trying to deal with them not sleeping through the night. I tried many different approaches, and it wasn't until I read Dr. Richard Ferber's book, Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems, that I was able to get the boys' to sleep comfortably through the night. Dr. Ferber is the Director of the Center for Pediatric Sleep Disorders at Children's Hospital in Boston. I think you'll find his words extremely helpful. Oh one other note, sometimes my sons will have bad dreams, and come into my room at night to snuggle. That's the best!

E.:

Boy does that take me back. Mine are now 15 and the twins are almost 10 ! So..... 1. You are not doing anything wrong ! 2. I used a timer for waiting out the 5 mins of crying ( of course my milk used to come in stronger then !) 3. For the older child I used music that shut off after a period of time. 4th and finally I slept when they slept every opportunity I could.

I didn't realize that I would not die of lack of sleep, that the house did not have to be Sooo clean, that they were not going to put on my grave stone that I was a good worker and that there would come a time when I would want to bond and or hug them and they don't or won't.

Thank you for the memories.

Smiles-
-W.

Hi E.,
I feel your frustration. First of all, know that even if you did nothing to try to get your kids to sleep better, this would not last forever! When they are little its easy to forget how quickly they'll grow and change. (My kids are now 8 and 11).
From your post, I'm not sure whether the kids' waking is really a problem for you or whether you are worried that they SHOULD be sleeping through the night ("should, should, should"--we hear so many of those as moms!). If you don't mind and it feels like nice cuddly time to make up for your absence during the day, I say go for it. They won't come home from college, or even second grade, and jump in your bed. I promise. If it is bothering you though, I don't think you necessarily have to be "harsh." You can be as gentle and loving with them around the nighttime issue as you would during the day.
You might have better luck with the little one once he's closer to 2yo. But the older one may be ready for a little more nighttime independence. The books by William and Martha Sears may be helpful on this issue. Ariel Gore's The Mama Trip is one of my favorites (it doesn't talk about sleeping, but does talk about those pesky "shoulds" we moms always get). Good luck!

It doesn't sound like you are doing anything wrong. Your kids just want to be with you. They are just babies, both of them really, they are craving that physical contact with their parents. If you want to night wean your one year old you might try having him sleep with daddy at least part of the night. He'll get the snuggling and you can get some sleep. This worked on both of our kids.
Are your kids beds in the same room? We had to do this with our daughter. We moved her in with her brother when she was about two and it was rough for a few weeks at bedtime but she ended up sleeping a lot better knowing she was not alone. Granted, she's not sleeping through the night every night still but she's waking up in her own bed a lot more.
You could always get a king-size bed!