Mothers in Graduate School?

All I have to say is "wow!" To all of you who did it. To anyone brave enough to try. When I was thinking about getting my masters so many people said, "Do it now while you're single and don't have any kids." I really didn't understand (but then again, how many of us really knew what we were in for when we decided to have kids?).

Grad school was a lot of work, and I'm really glad I did it. I just want to wish you the best of luck! You go, girl!

I got my master's and doctorate before having children. For me, I don't know how I could have done it with children. My program was long, demanding, and intense. And, way before the time of any on-line classes.

But, that's just me. I knew somehow that I needed to get my education out of the way before I started a family. There were, however, some women in my program who had children and managed to do it. I was always in awe of them and was fortunate enough to become friends with some of them. Their dedication and determination were inspiring to me. They were role models and showed me how strong women can be, how many roles they can handle well all at once.

What I learned about them was that they were highly organized, efficient, and always got started on assignments and projects immediately---no procrastination, no excuses. It always seemed like they were steps ahead of everyone else.

At home, they asked for help when needed and found other sources of help when their husbands weren't so helpful or present, or when they had no other family nearby.

They were very good at prioritizing and let lots of things go, like housework and projects. They sacrificed things like having new clothes or cars, taking extended vacations, or being room mom or soccer coach, but the trade-off was they knew they were teaching their children important lessons about the value of education, hard-work, independence, and delay of gratification. Most importantly, they were there for their children for the important stuff.

They displayed proper respect for the professors and the program and developed excellent student-professor relationships, unlike some of the cocky, "brilliant," fresh out of undergrad kids, some of whom ended up getting kicked out of the program. Nothing like the attitude of a youngster who thinks he/she knows everything. Not these women. They had life experience, relationship experience, parenting experience, and they wisely used that experience in negotiating all of the demands of grad school and got themselves through the progam.

So, my advice based on what I learned from them is to have lots of support lined up BEFORE you start the program. Since you have family nearby, ask each of them how much they are willing to help and make out a schedule for child-care help. Fill in the blanks with non-family childcare (nanny, babysitter, or daycare) when necessary. Also, have a back-up plan in place in the event your primary child-caretaker is sick, needs vacation, etc.

Talk with your fiance before you start and determine specifics on how he will help. Keep an on-going dialogue. How will your roles change? How much more childcare duties will he take on? How does he feel about that? What about possible feelings of resentment? You already have one child and are trying for a second. Then, you will have your graduate program. What happens when he realizes he is going to be at the bottom of the priority list a good deal of the time during the program? How will you keep your relationship strong through all of this? These are questions for you two to discuss beforehand and to keep discussing throughout the program.

Look around your home and think of your daily life. Are there projects that have been lingering, waiting to be finished? Do them now. Get them out of the way. Decide where and how you can let some things go in terms of household work. This is especially important if you're used to cooking homemade meals every night and always having everything in order and keeping a super-tidy home. Take out meals, dust-bunnies, and piles of laundry will be your new companions! Make peace with that. : )

Check with the program to determine your options. Must you attend full-time, or is there some flexibility to go through the program on a part-time basis? This may be a helpful option, if it exists.

Good luck to you. Hope all goes as planned. Keep that vision in your mind of walking across the stage getting your doctorate. It's a powerful motivator!

J. F.

I apologize to all of the grammar and spelling police. It's late; I can't find my reading glasses and am too lazy to go look for them. Please forgive any mistakes! : )

I am currently finishing my undergrad (also a science major) and have a 4.5 year old DD.
I will apply to grad school to continue right after graduation.
I will not lie to you: it is tough! It is nothing like working full time! When you work you do your 8 hours and come home and play with your kids. When you are in school you do your lab stuff and classes there and come home to do homework, catch up on reading and writing papers and then there is your family!

Your lab work doesn't care that your children's daycare closes at 6 pm. Many of the experiments we do take a long time to run and require checking in on weekends and at nights (I do undergrad research in the field). A PhD program in a science is nothing like getting a graduate degree in humanities or business for example. There are no legitimate online, evening or part time options - it's full time 60+ hours a week and going to the lab every day and often also on weekends.

Most science departments require their grad students to TA, so there will be preparing for classes and grading in addition to doing your own research, publishing papers and working on your dissertation. In the sciences the graduate classwork is usually the least you would worry about.
Many of the grad students I work with spend a lot of time every day in the lab/office.

I am not saying that you should not do it, just be prepared that it will be tough. Personally one of the reason that we will not be having another child is because I really want a PhD. There would be no way we could afford another baby, financially or time-wise, while putting me through grad school.
That said there are a lot of grad students with kids (though in my department most of them are males whose spouses are the main caregivers) and if you have the support and are ready to work like crazy go for it!
Good luck!

It is a tough row to hoe, your fiance needs to be more than supportive. He needs to be able to commit to be there to handle as much as possible so you can study.

I am the reverse situation, in that my husband is back in school. We have a 4 year old and I take care of her, the house, pretty much all the day to day stuff (I work 31or more hours a week as well) . He works all day has his class and then studies and does his homework in the evenings. He takes a break for dinner and to put our daughter to bed.

I can not stress how important it is for your fiance to understand what he will need to do... with baby #2 on the way (me too, by the way) there will be more work he would have to do without an assist from you. You both will need to work out the division of responsiblities to make sure you are on the same page... for example when my daughter asks fr me to put her to bed, my husband would always do the dishes. Once his classes started, he stopped doing that. It was unexpected and I resented it for a bit...

I chose to do this becuase it helps my husband in his career which ultimatly helps our family, but it is not easy. Somedays I want to tell him he needs to stop.

If you or he have family local to you then I would see if they could do anything to help while you are in school as well... I would give an arm and a lef to have my Mom around to help even once a week!

I can say it is doable - we are doing it... but it is not easy...

Good luck!

I recently received my master's degee while raising two kids and working full time. It was incredibly challenging, but I have a really great husband and it was his support that made it all possible.

We had to work as a team and we both made many sacrifices. Sure, I missed a few soccer games and band concerts, but what we gained from this degree as a family has completely made up for the losses.

What worked for us was to keep a very detailed calendar in a central location. This kept us all on the same page regarding activities, school and even study sessions for me. I also made a lot of lists. With so much going on, if I didn't write it down, it could easily get lost in the shuffle. Grocery lists, to do lists, study lists, all kept in a notebook.

Also, you have to take good care of your health. I was constantly exhausted. Working a full time job after a late night of studying can really take its toll on you. Eat well and drink lots of water.

Finally, thank your family. Tell them how much you appreciate all of their help and carve out family time with NO interruptions. Family dinner night was very important for keeping us connected.

Good luck! Keep us posted!

I had my first when I had just turned 20 and got my undergrad just before she turned 2 and right before I had my 2nd.

My kids are now 5, 7, and almost 9 - and I will graduate with my MBA on September 2nd of this year. I know in 6 months I'll say it all flew by, but tonight I'm trying to figure out how to get it done.

My mom is going for her EdD right now and it's a lot of work. I know I won't go further than this right now, but I will go for more training within the next year I'm sure.

For me, you have to WANT it. I came to a point a few years ago where I didn't want it anymore and I took two years off. Now being so close to done, I'm frustrated with myself that I just didn't finish then. I'd have been done two years ago if I hadn't stopped. Oh well...you can do it!!

Wow, good for you. I actually just finished up a post-graduate/doctoral degree and it was brutal. I have one daughter who is 12, so it was not like having toddlers and/or babies. It's hard to tell if you plan to do school full time or work and do school. If you are working and going to school, I can't even imagine. But if you are just doing school full time, it is certainly doable, especially with the level of support you have.

What helped me was sort of lowering my standards! I made sure my number one priority was family, so I made time to talk to hubby, play with DD, etc. I still maintained the house, but things like organizing closets and projects like that just had to wait. Gourmet meals, not too often. You get the idea. Prioritize what is important to you, and work down from there. If you try to be perfect at everything your balance will go out the window. Your focus on school also needs to be contained. Don't spread things out over the entire day and the entire week. Set school 'hours' for your time at home. It's too easy to think of things to tweak or do for school and before you know it, it's oozed into every part of your life. Just like people say leave work at the office, leave school at school.

I had talked to people who were almost finished with their PhDs before I started mine, and they said it was essentially like another full time job, and they kissed their families goodbye for two years to finish. I was determined to not let that happen to me, so I did the above. I knew that if I had made time for family stuff I would be fine, even if the house was a wreck. So that's my advice. Good luck- you'll be so proud when you're done!!

I started my doctorate program when my daughter was two and I was working full time. I started an online degree program, so it was not full-time and I didn't have to commute to class. My now ex-husband expressed his full support. In actuality, I got very little support from him. He very reluctantly would take care of our daughter when I needed him to, and he would demand attention like a child when I had a paper to write. He was working PT at the time. I was fully responsible for the cooking, laundry, housecleaning, etc. We divorced when our daughter was 5. I switched to PT work.

Now, we have 50/50 time with our daughter and I am writing my dissertation and should be done in a year. I I'd had two children, I don't believe this would have been possible.

I did my master's without kids and it was challenging. I hesitate getting the doctorate I want with twin toddlers. My husband is supportive, but I do not have family other than that to help. I am living in Europe right now and meet people in the International Babies Club who are working on doctorates with kids, even both parents, and sometimes the parents living in two different countries for sometime. They make it work. I think it is a personal decision, for your situation, but takes a very mature relationship. With mature people it seems to work. Two or three years... is it a long time or a short time to you? Huge commitment.

I got my MBA with a 5 and 2 year old. I worked 40 hours a week and my hubby worked nights and/or out of town throughout the 2 year program. I would NOT have been able to do it without the support of my family! I was in school 2 nights a week, 3 hours a night. My parents and in-laws kept the kids one night each. It was actually funny, when the program ended, both sets of grands wanted to keep having the kids on their night! I am really blessed with great grands for my kiddos!

It was very tough to keep a balance. My biggest piece of advice would be to let the housework go! There will always be floors to be cleaned, dishes to be done, etc. but I let that stuff go (to an extent) so that I could spend time with the kids!

Good luck to you!

I have an almost 3-yo, I am a full-time student, and I am also TTC.

It is very hard but you can do it, especially if you have a lot of family in the area who are willing to help with the kid(s) here and there.

By the time you are that far along in the program, you will tend to see a lot more people who are in the same boat. No more 18-yos fresh out of high school, but parents, career-people, and other non-traditional students who are finishing school.

The schedules are usually more flexible for graduate programs because many of the students DO work full-time jobs or DO have families to raise as well.

Congratulations and best of luck to you! It will be SO worth it for your future!

Would you consider waiting until baby #2 is 2 years old? I feel like the first 2 years of life are so hard (my sleep schedule with my baby/toddler was awful and i was not functioning at full capacity).

I do know of a couple of moms with 2 children who went back to school. Both already had their BA and decided to become nurses. I believe in both cases the youngest was starting preschool.

I couldn't even manage to raise my first child and work on my undergrad courses. It was way too intense for me. My best friend is about to get her Masters degree in psychology and her program is so intense, I asked her the other day HOW in the heck people can afford to dedicate themselves to such a program? It is an all-day thing. So much work to do. Practicum, internships, essays... makes my head spin just listening to her talk about what all is required. I can't imagine someone raising a family or having a job and doing that too. If you can manage it, then you will certainly be accomplished! I just know that *I* couldn't. Certainly people do make it work.

Good for you for setting goals for yourself and bettering your future!

I don't think I could do it. However, if you have the support needed ( I don;t just mean to care for the kids), go for it. It is not a permanent thing that you would be doing. One woman I had gone to school with had 3 little ones at the time. She had full suport of her husband and other family. She once told me you have to let go of the little things. Maybe her house was not perfect, she didn't have time for some things but she made time for the really important stuff, like a trip to the park twice a week and playing with the kids before bed. Reading a book to them. She studied after they went to bed. She let her hubby do more which she said was really hard.

I work with a woman that just graduated from law school. Granted her kids are 13 and 16 but it is still a big commitment. She said it is hard work but worth it.