Not Fond of Playmate's Mother

Hi C....we are members of a couple different playgroups like this...and I think it's important to realize that we're all different and have different beliefs and ways of doing things....and that's okay. Not just us, but OUR CHILDREN need to realize that not everyone is the same in the way we do things, also...and that it's okay. If she is talking down about someone else because they don't do things the same way that she does, her child is ultimately the one who is going to learn this close-minded behavior, and the one who will pay the price in the end. But I would say definitely dont' stoop to her level by not attempting to get along. Just bite your tongue and smile. Try to reiterate to your child that yes, so-and-so's mom does things differently, and it's okay...it's just not how YOU do things. I think your child will be more apt to grow up with the acceptance of other's beliefs and practices than hers will....which in the end, will make her a better adult :) Good luck!

I think the most important thing to remember is that there are just those types of people out there in the world who feel they need to be recognized for the things that they do, and there are those who need attention. Maybe the mother you are talking about doesn't quite get enough praise for the things she does with her children and with raising them. She's probably proud of herself and obviously happy with how she is raising her kids but isn't hearing it enough from other people. Its usually an attention getter. She'll see other kids doing something that isn't always good and since her children don't do it, it makes her feel that much better. Sometimes comments like those your talking about get to you and can be offensive. The best thing to do is to just be polite and say something like "yeah, but we all raise our children differently and do what works best for us." You don't want to butt heads with her and create conflict because if your daughter has a good friend, it wouldn't be fair to have that friendship be less because of the adults. We all do raise our kids differently and I am sure all of us mothers out here are proud of what we are doing with our kids... I know I am. We all love our kids and in some sense and form we all brag a little about our kids too. Just don't let it bother you unless she is being directly offensive to you and then just politely remind her that we all parent differently and unless our children are doing something very wrong or hurting others its best to just blow it off. It may be hard to do sometimes but I always remind myself I am doing it for my kids. My oldest is 4 and she also is at the "birthday party" stage and everything. Her happiness is worth it and I love seeing the smiles on her face and the excitement when she is playing with her friends. Hang in there.

i have a real problem dealing with people like that too-but i'm very bold and opinionated. and sometimes it's hard for me to keep my mouth shut!! i would try too look at her and shrug my shoullders and like her know (as nicely as i can) that the other child seems to be doing jsut fine. and walk away as soon as possible-before she can reply.

Hello. I really was impressed with the responses to your problem. I wanted to add my two cents. I too can't stand people that brag about their children. I thought about why it bothered me and there are two reasons. I think it is obnoxious. I think it is inappropriate in certain settings such as birthday parties. I think people who do this either really believe their child is wonderful and more so than other children or they are insecure. Either way it is annoying. If I am completely honest with myself sometimes it bothers me because I wish my son was at that milestone faster or that he did something equally brilliant. It can make a person feel bad. Which is why even when my son does do things that I think are absolutely brilliant I save it for my husband and my family to hear.

Hi C.:

I have also been in your shoes, but I am known for being a very forward person with a odd sense of humor. I have dealt with the situation two different ways due to my relationship with the person.
The first was with a close friend who constantly liked to compare her child with everyone else's. I just one day asked her if she realized that she was talking down about other kids. I asked if she did this infront of her daughter who could one day start to treat other's unfairly based on her mother's observations. Since my friend was very vocal about being open minded, this got her attention. She stil compared children, but didn't do so in a negative light.
The second direction I took was with a mother in my child's playgroup who is a stay-at-home mom. She had a habit of talking about how her son was reaching his developmental milestones so quickly and before so and so who is older than her son. She also liked to tell us all the things she did during the week with her son that the rest of us probably couldn't get to because we were working. One day I could see that her statements were annoying the other mother's also so I added a little humor. I made up a crazy accomplishment like, "Can you believe, last night my son alphabatized his books, re-organized my pantry, and color coordinated his closet. I wasn't impressed though, because he forgot to put away his toys what am I going to do with him." It caused all the mother's to laugh and a few started to make-up crazy milestones too. Another time I just interjected an odd statement like, "I'm thinking of coloring my hair purple tomorrow do you think it would clash with dying my son's green." The mother one day approached me and asked me why I was making those strange statements because I was distracting from the discussion of child development. I told her that I thought we all needed to smile, laugh and remember how to use our imaginations instead of comparing our children because they all develop differently and it can sometimes make some mom's uncomfortable to think that their child isn't reaching developmental milestones fast enough or that they aren't spending enough time with their child because they work. We all cherish every second we have with our children.
I have also in the past though just smiled and nodded my head. Just remember that laughter can sometimes point out a problem politely without having to be direct. Good Luck.

Janice's response brought up a wonderful point about how we all are proud of our children and want to feel good about how we do things, and that her motivation may not be about bragging, but really about insecurity.
There is no way to know where her comments come from without asking her. To assume you know her motivation means you will have a reaction to her comments based on what you think you know, and it may not be so. When I would learn something new-like the connection to sugar and a depressed immune system, I told all my friends and parents of my dau's friends. That didn't mean I thought I was bragging that I'd discovered this, or that I expected anyone else to use the information in the same way that I did. I just knew that I wished someone had told ME stuff before I faced it...like when my toddler got sick from the heat one year after we'd been faithfully keeping her cool in a shady pool and making sure she stayed hydrated by having her drink lots of water. AFTER she gets sick someone tells me she needed salt and that they give kids salt tablets at camp in hot weather. Nobody told me that before!
I know there were times when parents acted annoyed or flat out told me they thought I was 'bragging' about being a vegetarian or birthing at home or any one of a number of things I might have done differently than they did, when really all that happened was I was taking care of my own child's needs or it came up in the conversations that mothers have. But because I did something different, another mother assumed I thought the way she did something was wrong. I never did. Like Janice said, we all do things differently, and for our own reasons.
Make no mistake, I realize there are women who do like to feel 'better than' and we can't know if this woman is one of those. I have a friend who frankly told me the other day she feels completely justified in feeling righteous and 'better than' mothers who have made certain different choices than her and it made me cringe. I didn't argue with her because I know that her judgmental attitude comes from a place of defensiveness about other choices she's made that she knew in her heart were not best in retrospect. If I didn't know her and know where this came from, I would see it differently.
And there is one other variable. Sometimes we feel uncomfortable when people mirror something about us we don't like about ourselves, or when we feel uncomfortable about a choice we've made that they remind us of. Since I've learned this, I look at annoying interactions in an entirely different way. I always ask myself if this person gets on my nerves because they are reflecting back to me something I don't like about myself, or am I annoyed because I wish I'd done something differently? If I am really confident about what I've done, I find that I don't even notice comments about how anyone else does something. I just know I did the best with what I knew and when I knew better I did better, and I don't hook into an emotional reaction.
Either way, it's not about you. Another person's drama is always about THEM, even if they seem to be directing something at you. So if you just don't take it personally, it should bother you less. The Four Agreements is a great little book with fab advice on how to avoid conflict. It's a quick read and it's made a huge difference in how I see the actions of others. Sometimes just stepping outside of myself and trying to see the situation from a different vantage point makes like really interesting!
Good luck with your next meeting!
K. Wildner
____@____.com
www.kimwildner.com