Only Children - Chicago,IL

Hi Maria,

I have an only child, 9 year old daughter. I am one of 14 siblings. Before I beccame a parent I always said every child should have at least one sibling. Now I am confident that she really doesn't need a sibling. She is a very well adjusted child. SHe has many extended family members and fiends. She entertains herself very well and I am usually available to play with her. I can honestly say both only and having siblings has it's advantages adn disadvantages, just like everything else in life. I have no regrets abouth her not having siblings. As a single parent I have considered the idea of adoption. There has been times when she asked for a sibling. But I think what she really wants is a playmate, not a sibling. Again, she is a happy child, well rounded child and will grow up to ba a happy productive citizen....

Hi M.
I'm an only child and in my 30's so I can tell you from personal experience how it's been...Great! I am very close to my parents and as one poster said, just b/c you have sibilings does not mean you will get along and be there for each other. I have a couple girlfriends from GRAMMER school that are like my sisters! My only concern is taking care of my parents when they are older as I'll be the only one to do so...but then, this tends to happen even if someone has siblings and they don't pitch in.
I was pretty controling as a young child but with time, learned not everything will go my way. The only thing I yearn for is big family gatherings which I got thanks to my mom's super sized family.
Best of luck!

I have an only child who is now 6. He is a very good kid. I got him involved with activities when he was young because I was nervous about him getting along with other kids. He gets along with them great and even shares pretty well. He loves babies and always want to help a crying child. I was also an only child and I came out fine. I will say that I wish I had siblings while I was growing up. My husband is one of 5 and wished that he was an only child while he was growing up. I guess that you are always wanting the opposite of what you have.

Good luck and no fears about how he'll come out. He'll do just fine.

Hi there!

I grew up as an only child with a single mom, so in my situation it would have been nice to have a sibling to share time with. We currently have an almost 5 yr old son, and he may be an only child, and I love spending my time with him and focusing on him! The great thing about him being an only while young is that I do not have to share my time with any other little ones, and he gets all of my focus. This is extremely important since I and my husband both work.

My son is happy and healthy and has tons of little friends and young family members, and I know you mentioned your son has a large extended fam, which will benefit him immensely. I really think the ability to focus on just one child is wonderful. It provides, at least for us, the opportunity to do more and provide more for our son in regards to finances, time, exposure to new things, etc.

Maybe you can have another once your son doesn't "need" mommy as much and is in school full time and more independent. We have considered waiting and having another when my son is older, depending on our situation then. I have PCOS (sometimes difficult to get preggers with this), so we may just have to accept that our little man will be our only, but I think that will work out just fine!

Best wishes!

Nah. You can be totally good with only the one. The important thing is to know your family's personal and financial means, and then live within them. Suffice it to say, dear hubby and I are "one and done". Any dubious "benefits" of having another child are far outweighed by the risk involved of stretching our limits.

M.-
Thank you for posting your question. My son, who is 18 months old, is (and will be) an only. He's extremely outgoing, very social, has been in a playgroup since he was about 6 months old, and is starting to join activities. But, I have so many well-meaning people come up to me who are horrified that I'm not going to have another, and insist that I have to have at least one more child for the sake of my son. It's great to hear from others that only children do just fine and are happy.
--Cathie

We have only one child - a daughter who is now 11. I grew up with 2 siblings and always thought I would have at least 3 children myself. However, things happen in your life and it doesn't always work out how we thought it would! I was 42 when she was born so we pretty much knew that she would be it and just felt so blessed to have her! Sometimes I wish she had a sibling but she has always told me that she loves being an only child - and I really think she means it! She is a very social person, loves being with friends -but she also likes just being with her mom and dad. Her favorite time is playing a board game with us in the evening. I agree that it probably depends on the child's personality as far as how they respond to being an only child but I wouldn't worry about it too much. My daughter's best friend is also an only child, as are several of her other friends. Just enjoy all the time you have with him! They grow up so fast!

Hi M.,
We have one child, a 4 year old boy. We would like other children yet that may not happen as it has been a while of tying :) Anyway, i have resigned myself to the fact that he may be an only child and have become surprisingly comfortable with the idea. He is really just such a well adjusted and kind child (yes, super crazy at times) that I really do not worry about him. He is so confident and will just walk up to anyone and make friends. We have a large extended family as well so he sees his cousins all of the time and that makes me feel better.

I work so I try to spend every second with him and we usually spend about and 1.5-2 hours in bed at night, reading and talking and telling stories. I have come to love and appreciate that time that he gets to himself with us and he loves it....not to say that children with siblings do not get the time they need. Plus sleeping til 9 has it's perks! We have just fallen in to a nice routine. He plays really well with other children and also plays very nicely by himself. Thus far he has not asked for a sibling and says he would only like a bother or sister if it were a toy one.

I am very close with my sister (even though she could not stand me until she left for college) so i worry about him when he is older...but again I think he will really be just fine and again is so well adjusted and comfortable in everything he does.

My views changed when I met a family with one child and that was their decision....the mother was an only child and liked that fact and was comfortable with it. That somehow put me at ease. I think that we as mom's always want what is best for our children and will make any situation work and we should be comfortable in the fact that we are good at it ;)

Hi M.,

My son, who just turned 4 this month is an only child. Due to medical reasons I cannot have anymore children. Definately read the book Parenting an Only Child by Susan Newman. I read that book when he was just a year old, and it really put my mind at peace with this. There are so many benefits to being an only child; so many more advantages than disadvantages!! My son is extremely well adjusted. He has never once asked me for a sibling; even as he sees how his friends from playgroup have or are getting new siblings. I once asked him if he wanted a brother or sister and he responded with a real definate "no!" One of the best things I like about having an only child is that I can give my son my full undivided attention. I feel like I have control of my household and am not constantly overwhelmed like other moms I see with two or more kids. Only children tend to be very close to their parents, and that is definately true in our family! Please read this book, I guarantee you that after reading it,you will have a completely different persective!

J.

M.,
I know you asked for experiences from moms with just one child, but I feel it important to give you a perspective I have as a mom with 2 because of an experience I had with a neighbor with an only last year. She said to me that her daughter had asked her for a brother or sister and she told her "well, then I couldn't spend all my time with you(the child), you know how she(me) has to split her(my) attention between 2." I was actually quite offended. I mean, why point out the negative to a 5 year old and make them then feel like that's the best decision. I get double the fun and double the love. I'll admit it's a struggle through sibling rivalry and having to split attention sometimes but it's OK. Everyone has different experiences in life to make them the people they are. Although that mom is generally kind, her daughter has not been kind to my daughter. I know onlies can turn out fine (I'm a lot like an only as my siblings are much older than me), but I just wanted to make sure that if you stick with that decision, don't try to force it down on anyone else. I hope I don't come off as ranting and raving but I just thought you might like to know this perspective.

M. ~ I have an only child who is 4-1/2. She is and always will be our only due to a genetic heart condition that prohibits me from having anymore. I am GLAD she is an only. You have to read the book "Parenting an Only Child" by Susan Newman. After reading this book, I would've chosen to have an only. There are so many cons and she will always have our undivided attention no matter what, which is what children with siblings can never have.

Of course there are some drawbacks ~ we do have some issues with her socializing, but I was in a playgroup since she was 18 months old until recently when I had to return to work. She was fine up until then, but has started to withdraw from playing with other kids. I recently enrolled her in home daycare and preschool starts on 9/9 so I know that will definitely help.

She never asks for a brother or sister and in fact will tell us she doesn't want one. She is very content with the fact that she has her mommy and daddy all to herself and she loves her little four-legged brother, Nemo. :-)

If there is any advice I can give you is to definitely read that book. I have read it twice now and know I will be reading it again as she gets older.

I have a son who is 9 1/2 years old. I have sometimes thought about having another little one, but am almost 40, so realistically, it's pretty unlikely.

1)A small preschool with older and younger kids is great.

One of the best things for my son was that he was in a wonderful home preschool when he was young. He was able to have the experience of being one of the 'littles' and following around the bigger kids, and then being a 'big'. He learned to be so patient with smaller kids from that, and now he is a great 'big cousin' to my brother's kids who are all younger.

2)Get him a friend with a lot of brothers and sisters!

He has sometimes wished to have a little brother or sister. But his best friend is one of 4 children and although he loves going over to their house to play, it always makes him appreciate having his own room and stuff to himself and his own time alone to read or whatever- that is in short supply at his friend's house, lol!! In fact, his best friend loves to come over to OUR house for just the opposite reasons that my son likes going to his! The grass is always greener...

Having only one child has made things easier financially, etc. for sure. He has been able to go to sleep away camp, go do special things with us, etc. I know we would not be able to afford to do so much with more kids and I think he appreciates that too.

Of course, that also means he has more chores and things to do around the house. But he is a very responsible child and although he is social and has a lot of friends and is very self-confident, from an early age he has liked to read or play on his own. He can entertain himself for hours and I think a lot of that comes from being the only kid around from a young age. He is a gifted student and was an early advanced reader, all on his own, with no pushing from me. I find him to be more responsible and mature in general than a lot of his friends, although I don't know if that is from being an 'only' or not.

Now that he's older, it just doesn't seem to be an issue at all for him one way or the other. He is happy and well adjusted and knows that I love him 'best of everything', without being spoiled. I know a lot of only kids get spoiled, but that is because of the parent, not the kid, IMO. I think with an 'only' you have to be careful NOT to smother them all the time with attention- just give them some space to do their own thing, play on their own, etc. My son is a really amazing, mature, thoughtful, funny, smart kid- I'm sure yours will be too!

Hi M.:

We have a 4-yr old son and a large extended family. He couldn't be loved more and will always be surrounded by family with or without siblings. Just remember that there are many very successful people in this world who were only children. With great parenting, your son will do be great. As long as you're good with it, he will be too!

Take care!

Hi M.
I have a 5 year old Daughter who is an only child. I so wish she could have a sibling but it's not going to happen.Even though you have siblings it does not secure them not being alone, alot of siblings don't get along. As of yet she is a fantastic, well adjusted good hearted, giving, loving child. I can only hope & pray that she forms a couple frienships that will last her a lifetime! My nephew is an only chile and is 27 years old he too is very well adjusted, however yes he had always wanted a sibling.
Not sure what your situation is, just raise your child the best you can and he will grow up to be fine.

V.

My mom was an only child and she was miserable and lonely and vowed never to have an only child herself. Then she had my brother and tried for 20 years to get pregnant again and just couldn't so he was an only child for 20 years, also lonely. Then finally I came along but my brother was already out of the house so I was only and lonely.

I hated it. My mom hated it. My brother hated it.

I think though if you have a large extended family if there are people in his age group with whom he can spend time the key is just to get him to socialize as much as possible and encourage playdates with people he likes (but obviously not force them with people he doesn't).

I was just lonely because my other friends would go home and have siblings to talk to, and on family vacations there was someone in their age group, and... gee there are so many things. If you have a sibling they teach you stuff and you learn social skills faster, they help you with your homework, they introduce you to guys/girls when you're of dating age, as an adult you can be naustalgic together about childhood, if you say a joke about some ideosyncracy of your parents there's another person who GETS it... siblings learn responsibility by helping raise each other so tasks like babysitting or teaching are easier when they get older...

So my advice to other moms is always to have more than 1 child. But if you can't, then just do your best to make sure your kid has as much social time as humanly possible. Montessori school's not a bad idea either, as they make a big point of having the kids teach each other in that.

Hi M., I could tell u that being an only child has it's perks like you dont have to share your toys, clothes, mom and dads attention, but you also have no one to play with on rainy days or to go to with secrets you dont have anyone to to be there for you............ I am very jealous of my husband he has 6 brothers and sisters and was always jealous of my friends they all had sisters or brothers to bond with.... being an olny child is lonely... my biggest fear is when my mom passes I wont have anymore family!!! Think about it.......I have 6 children LOL you dont have to go that extreme....hehehehe

I'm sure it depends on the child and the parents as well. My only child has been happy enough and sure got lots of attention. But he is very social and we made sure he had lots of opportunites to be with kids his age. On the other hand, that only child has to carry all the hopes and expectations of the parents, and has to help with all the chores, and put up with the parents without any peers! I think it's harder on Moms in a way too. I spent alot more time playing with my little one then if he had had sibs. But you can make it work if you want or need to. I would've had another if I'd had the choice.

Although we did not live in a large city like Chicago my son is an ONLY child. He is now 19 years old and is a very independent minded child.
When he was growing up we lived in an area where there was really no other children and when he went to school he went to a private Christian school for Pre-K - 6th grade, we Home Schooled 7th and 8th then public high school to play football and wrestle, then did one year at RMC discipleship school. I could not ask for a more well adjusted child. He is now taking a year off of school to decide what route he would like to go.
When he was born my husband and I had already been married 6 years. We were very set in our ways and a baby was not going to slow us down from doing what we needed to do. Our son went every where with us. When he was under 6 months he was carried in a papoose carrier(Snuggie) and from age 6 month to age 2 we carried him in an A frame backpack. He learned how to play on his own and became very independent at a very early age. I did get him involved in all the library programs, like mom and me reading time. He was involved in toddler swimming lessons as well as different park district play groups. Then bittie ball and t-ball. He also was involved with soccer and in first grade he became involved with Karate. But i would have to say the one thing that really was great for our son was Royal Rangers. Royal Rangers is much like Boy Scouts but is more Biblically based. You can get involved with Royal Rangers I believe at Pre-School Age (Rainbows is the first level) and as your son climbs the ladder to his Gold Medal of Achievement he is being mentored by Christian Men that really believe in the word of God. My son received his Gold Medal of Achievement at age 14 and went on to be Illinois Ranger of the Year in his Senior year of High School. Royal Rangers was the greatest thing our son ever got involved in. He still is a Ranger Leader and involved with the Frontiermen (aka: FCF) Here is the website for Rangers: http://www.ilrr.org/
So in closing our son was raised as an ONLY child. His extended family was one male cousin and 2 female cousin, all around the same age but the we all do not live in the same towns. The closest is 10 miles away. My parents live in Wisconsin as well as my sister (the one with 2 daughters) We got together as much as possible but our family did not really make a difference in how our son developed. My husband and I brought up our son with our strong beliefs in right and wrong. We brought him up knowing that we were the parents, not his best friend. Very little discipline was needed in our house hold because he learned right from wrong from an early age and we kept him out of places where trouble could be found. I would say though one of the number one things in the raising of any son is the husband/father MUST be actively involved, men were boys once and know what made them happy, and that needs to be shared with their sons.
God Bless and Enjoy the Great Little Guy,
S.

I am an only child and, like anything, there are good and bad points to it. On the plus side, my parents were able to take me traveling, pay for my college, and spend more time with me. I've been told I've always been very well adjusted and that's true with all of the only children I know. I believe as long as you are aware that there are some things you can do to promote having an extended family through friends and cousins, your son will be fine. Once my father died, I really wished I had a sibling to go through it with, but now that I have my own kids, I'm once again content with being an only child and am thrilled that it fostered such a close bond to both my parents. And, he's not "by himself" - he obviously has a loving mother!

My son is an only. He is ten so a bit older than the other posters. There are drawbacks and benefits. He is not happy being an only and I feel badly for him in that regard.

He is starting to see the benefits. He can do pretty much any sport he wants, we get to go to all practices games etc. He has our undivided attention on everything he does. Which sounds great and is but...the older he gets the more I think he would appreciate us not being around quite so much. Financially this enables us to do much much more with and for him. His cousins live very far away so we don't have the extended family either.

To me the biggest negative is that onlies tend to play away from home more because they don't have built in playmates. As he spreads his wings I don't know his friends that much and especially the families. You have to learn to ask a lot of questions and trust your child to make good choices.

On the flip side I believe being an only has made my son very social because he has to be to find friends.

YOu will need to be very careful with the idea of your child sharing, not just toys but the limelight, making choices etc. We were very careful but even in third grade his teacher said he was still struggling to give in when things didn't go his way. LIke which game to play at recess. It is just a built in issue because they make so many choices all the time and don't have to give in to siblings.

I read the book The Only Child by Darrell Sifford. It helps also. We didn't intend to raise an only and it helped me come to grips with it.

One thing someone told me was...Just because your child has siblings doesn't mean they will get along, play together, support each other etc. So don't have the sibling for them. Have a sibling because you and your spouse want another child. That is very sound advice, I think.

Hi mom I am raising my grandson I've had him since he was 8 months old and he is now 13 I think I have done a fairly good job with him but I believe it depend on the parents to be that childs every thing. See with him I had to let him know that I am not his mother and that I am older and can't do everthing he would like to do and it works he only show his selfulness when the other grand children come over, because everything in the house for a kid belong to him and that's when the lesson of sharing comes in play. So yes your child will be spoil and selfish but being the only child how can they not be. I think being the only child is lonely to some and ok with other it depends on the up bringing. Good Luck

Hi M., I had always planned on having 2 children, but after my first I got divorced and number two never happened. My son is now 14 years old and just fine. He told me once when he was about 8 or 9 that if I ever had another child he was going to run away to an island and live there by himself! :) His father remarried soon after our divorce giving him 3 step-siblings so he does get his share of the whole larger family arrangement, but most of the time he complains about the time he has to spend there. (unless he's there alone) He's involved in alot of activities like scouts, band and tae kwon do so he's around other kids outside of school too, plus a straight A honor student so he's very well adjusted. Of course when he's crabby and wants to argue he has no siblings to get into it with so I'm the target of his frustrastions, but I think that's still better than listening to the constant bickering I've seen between my friends' children! My only fear is if something ever happened to him I wouldn't have any other children, but that's just not something I can focus on. Instead I'm looking forward to the day when he gives me a couple grandchildren! Enjoy your relationship with your son...he will be grown up before you know it!

I have one child and can't imagine a happier child. She learned to talk faster than my other friend's children, she learned to walk sooner and she was a little bit more independent than other children. She tries things, she goes places and she seems very happy. When she was little, she would sometimes ask for a brother or sister, but when we would babysit another child for longer than an hour she would become jealous and want to know when they were leaving. We have started to do foster care now, she's 14 and she's a great "big sister". She's caring and loyal and very loving. I think her life is going to be good. She's an only child because the process of having her was very traumatic on her and on me. I am not sorry she's my only one. I never imagined having one child, I have a younger sister I'm very close to, but I'm thankful for what I have. Don't worry about him, he'll set his course in life with your help.

I was a single mom until she was 10. I remarried and although my husband would love a child of his own, he's totally loving having the freedom a teenager gives to our family! My daughter has friends now that she made when she was four, she's a good friend.

I have a 5.5 y/o daughter who is an only child. I am a single parent also. I have her in several activites adn her social skills never suffered. She started pre-school at the age of 3 and hear nothing but positive things about her ability to share, her empathy for others and her general likability by other children from the teachers and parents. Everyone that meets her always talks about how outgoing she is in most situations. She does have the tendency to talk to anyone no matter where we are, but she is always polite and respectful.

I think your parenting style will help your son temendously and as long as you have him exposed to other children I am sure there will not be any problems.