Repeating the 1St Grade

My sister's 4th child has ADHD, ODD, is severely dyslexic, has Asperger's with sensory integration, etc., and other issues/problems as well. Although her son has never been held back, the school has worked with him the best they can (they are in NC). He does get suspended some from the bus or school sometimes, although that hasn't happened in a while.

What kind of diet is she on? My sis has to put her ODD on a special diet...no sugar (he's more out of control while on sugar)...there are other things that he has to stay away from as well, but diet really does help out a lot of behavior and learning disabilities.

However she has had another child (her 3rd that has dyslexia and an eye problem) repeat a grade. She didn't call it a failing or a repeating..she simply told him 'you get to do it again'. He repeated 4th grade, but she said that he probably should have repeated 1st grade. It's a lot easier when they are younger. "You get to do it again" is all she said and he actually didn't have a problem with it.

By the way, has she been tested for Aspergers? My sis says that usually when you have those two, this comes right along with it as well.

I can't imagine what you are going through...I just get to hear the stories from my sister about what an ODD child does. It keeps her on her toes (and she has 5 children).

Sorry to hear that she will have to be "retained" in the first grade.

My stepdaughter (lives with us) had to repeat the 6th grade. Repeating an earlier grade is not as hard/brutal as a later grade. Part of our child's problem was with switching schools not grades (although grades were not great). Still, her self-confidence was a little off for about a year (until she realized that the kids didn't know she had been held back a year and the ones that did know didn't care b/c she is such a great/fun person to be around).

I would encourage you to tell her how much she is loved, how smart you think she is, let her know the reason she is doing first grade again (b/c she didn't do the work). You know she is smart, the teachers know she is smart, she just now has to do the work to show it :) - I'm sure someone else can put a more positive spin on it than me :)

I am one of the few that thinks children need to learn consequences to actions and decisions from an early age - they should not be allowed to "get away" with everything.

Repeating a grade for our child did help, she now does her homework, and pays better attention in class (most of the time any way) :)

Also, I had a friend who's daughter had to repeat Kindergarten b/c of her social skills. She didn't have a confidence problem, and the second go round was better able to sit still in class, and play "nicely" with the other kids.

Best Wishes!

~A. C

I don't have kids in school yet, but I wanted to say that the "F" word...FAILURE...is not necessarily a bad thing. I truly believe failure is one of life's great lessons. We all work so hard to make sure our kids never fail at anything. I have a 2 (almost 3) year old and I watch as all my friends tell their kid not to do this or that, not to climb on that, don't try to do that...all because they don't want to see them fail.

I take a different approach with my daughter. If my 2 year old daughter wants to try to climb the rock wall at the park...I let her. I realize she is probably not ready yet, but I'm certainly not going to tell her not to try. And I have to say, most of the time, she achieves what she is trying to do. And when she doesn't, she tries it over, and over, and over again. We spend alot of time talking about practicing and working hard to be good at something.

As a kid myself, I was paralized by a fear of failure. I dealt with it by refusing to participate in activities...that way I couldn't fail. I really wish someone had told me as a kid that failure is not a bad thing. I wish someone had talked about failure openly with me. I wish someone had said..."Okay, you failed...Big deal. You have 5 minutes to throw a pity party, but then I want you to look at what you learned about yourself, and then get up there and try again."

My point is...failure is a learning tool. It can even be a good thing. I would suggest telling your daughter this. It's okay to fail. Try breaking it down for her, maybe even write it down on paper, the things she does/did well and the things she needs to improve on order to move forward. Help her set realistic goals. I bet her teachers could help with this too.
Also, Maybe try telling her something you failed at in your life but was able to overcome.

You yourself seem pretty disappointed by all of this. Do not let her see it.
I think your attitude towards staying back a year is KEY here. More importantly than failing a grade...She doesn't want to fail you.
So if you act like it's an awful thing and shouldn't happen, then she will be pretty destroyed by it. But if you treat is as something that happens sometimes so we can learn more about ourselves, it will help her deal with it.
Good Luck!!

L.,

Success is different things to different people. Our children are deemed successful if they excel in school at a young age. But what of the children that don't have that type of "intellegence". There are 8 recognized types of learners and 7 different types of intellegences!

It is evident to me that your child's teacher has yet to identify which type of learner she is and what you her parent and what the teacher can do to "TEACH" her in her learning style. Ask her teacher which type of learner she has identified your child to be and how can you both can provide a learning envoriment that your daughter will excel in. YOU are your child's first teacher! Her school teachers should be secondary to your teaching. At this late date in the year I would be thinking of things that you can do this summer in her learning style. It is hard to provide specific learning lessons for everyone in the classroom.

First, inform yourself on these types of learners so YOU can be your child's advocate. It is tortue for a logical learner to have been required to learn as a naturalist student.
Here are the different types of learners;

Logical- mathmatical

Visual- spacial

Musical-connect through music (ABC SONG) songs patterns

Kinehestic - bodly movement allow the child to move aroud during the lesson stand behind the chair, moving his limbs etc It takes his whole body to process the information.

Languistic - anything to do with English language (journal writting essays)
Interpersonal leader, groups task, groups, ability grouping

Intrapersonal self smart/ self start "Let me do it on my own!" Can be given the task and can do it with no other direction and does it well

Naturistic - their place and their relationship to the world (help them learn with comments to about their world. IE make sure comments about the Civil War include how the war affected the lay of the land or the air quality after all the bullets were discharged. They will remember this way instead of just the normal information.

That said, there are also different types of intellegence. We have all heard of being "BOOK SMART" she may not hold the class highest GPA but there are also other types of intelligence, she may become the class president or the class dancer or the class leader, aor the class mathatician or the class scientist or the class story teller or the class nurse! I think you get my drift here. Your child may not be Book Smart so I would suggest that you explore other area of intellegence that your child will excelat. Your child could have muscle memory intellegence, these persons excel in sports, ballet, dance, track, gym activities, cheerleading. and so on. It is sad to see parents push their children into one area that their children have no inate talents for when they are so capable in another area of intellegence. Placed in the proper area of intellegence a child will rise to the top of that area and excel and begin to feel successful in that area and that will flow into all areas of their life. "I am a great dancer -I am great- I feel great about myself- My confidence is high here. So what if I can't read the fastest I can dance better than anyone in this class! Other students will recognize them for their other talents, (Mary is a great dancer or Boy, Laura always gets to be the lead singer in our class shows!) They wil begin to think, Hey I don't place so much importance in not being so great over here anymore."

Find out how she learns and find out where her intellegence is. I placed my 3 children into many different activities when they were young and then when it became apperent where they excelled, I dropped the other activities and we focused on their area of strengths. Some children have many areas of strength so don't let that bother you.
(YOUR neighbors child who seems to HAVE IT ALL!)

You are her advocate. Read about her style of learning. Figure out how she can learn. Once a child looses her "Yearn to Learn" it is VERY hard to get it back. SO figure it out and help her stay interested by supplying her with opportunities to learn and excel in her given areas with the style of her learning abilities.

Mothering is not just putting on the title in the morning and kissing them goodnight. When you have a child with unique needs you get to raise your mothering level to a new height. There are plenty of books and internet sites for you to learn about what you can do to help your daughter excel, if not in the regular classroom setting then in her area of mother discovered intellegence.

Also, do not look at her not going on to the next grade as FAILURE!!!! You will send that message out to her in your very aura. She will hear you talk about her FAILURE on the phone to your Mom and after dinner to your husband and and she will begin to lable herself as a FAILURE!!

I have worked in the elementary schools and believe me... you want your child to be the oldest and the most experienced in any setting. Why would you want her to struggle next year like she did this year? Why would you want the same kids that knew she was having trouble in class to be her classmantes next year? Why would you want the new teacher to read last year's teacher's notes, in her file, about how she suggested she be held back only to be pushed on unprepared by the parent's demand?

Do not make next year for your child a repeat of this year!! Help her by allowing her the opportunity to learn at HER PACE not by your perceived pace for her. I was always amazed when most of the children suggested for retaining were the youngest in the class and the youngest in the family.--- DUH!!! There is a big difference in the abilities of a 11 month old baby and a 2 month old baby but both of those children will be in the SAME classroom come kindergarden!!! Was you child born in April,May, June, July, or August? If so she is a half of year BEHIND the other children in her class just by her days on this earth alone!

Why make her education become a battle for her because just so one can say "SHE MADE HER PASS!" Would you rather not have her in a classroom setting where she is the oldest, the most experienced, and the most comfortable! She may not be ready. She will always be playing catch up to the other children in her class. She will begin to register herself as a failure when she notices that she is not GETTING IT!! and her classmates DO! THese are the children that in about the 10 grade just drop out! She is who she is and she is not ready so let her be who she is and get on board with it.

It is hard to hear but YOU are not the failure here. Your daughter is not a failure here. We are all different--- The failure is in not recognizing her for the unique and wonderful person she is an allowing your child to bloom in her own time instead of forcing her to bloom in the line with other children. It can be painful to hear that your child is struggling but it is the GREAT MOTHER that HEARS it and puts together a plan that will help her child be herself and will let go of the idea that she had in store for her "Perfect Child" There are no PERFECT CHILDREN but there are some great mothers! Choose to be one for your daughter. I know you are one because you wrote about how you have laready helped her this past year. So put away your dissapointments and go to that meeting with all your questions and all your readiness to hear what the teacher has to say. I would also go and sit in once a week as a reading helper or as a teacher's aid so you will see what the teacher is seeing and then you will be on your child's side and feel less like they are not giving your chid a fair break.

I remember one mother that came into a parent meeting with her fears and she said,
"You know -I appreciate the time you are taking with Michael, he tells me each day how you help him. But I also know he is not ready. I was trying to ramp him up but I knew that he was just not ready-born in July and the youngest in the house hold Michael was in no hurry to be who he was not. I was so happy to hear that his mother understood it. We had invited her to be a reader helper one week and she saw what we saw. A great little boy that was just too young to battle all his school days with children almost a year older than him in some cases. Michael went into readiness the next year and has never had anymore school problems, he is now in his last year of middle school. I treasure the cookie jar that he gave me years ago and his mother wrote to me on the card,"Thank you for your help with Michael and thank you for seeing him for the cookie he is!

Keep Mothering,
Ms C.

From a teacher's perspective, I can tell you that repeating first grade is much easier, socially, than repeating other grades. Some kids will remember, but for the most part, they're so young that it won't be a huge social stigma-- the new kids in her class next year won't know she's repeated, and she will make new friends in that group. Also, skill-wise, it's best to repeat an earlier grade-- it's so hard for kids to be expected to learn new material when they don't have the foundation--imagine trying to learn long division when you don't know multiplication (just an example!). And, maturity-wise, a year can make a huge difference. I've had students who repeated later grades, and even though it was tougher on them, the year of maturity and extra help made a huge difference. Where I taught, there were several kids who'd repeated at one time or another, and there wasn't a lot of teasing going on about it from other kids. As for her self-confidence, make it seem like she's getting a do-over, as in sports-- she worked so hard this year that she's getting another chance to prove to you (and to herself and her school) just how smart she really is--she's really going to show them this time. Good luck with this!

I understand you concern & frustation. My son has never been diagnosed ADD but has been on Concerta off & on since the 1st grade. My husband & I struggled with the same decision. Our son did not actually fail but we retained him ourself. He would have been placed into the 2nd grade although he was not ready. He also struggled not only with school work but it seemed like every day a note would come home with him that he was talking, or not paying attention or disrupting.

I remember the letter that you are talking about. My husband & I went in & I sat there crying as his teacher explained to me that he just wasn't ready. He was not "where he needed to be to make it in the 2nd grade". I continued to wonder what went wrong, how I failed him by not making sure he was prepared. It was tough on him as well, but we explained to him that he would now be the smartest child in the class b/c he had already done all of that stuff once. That maybe he could help any kids that were struggling as well (just like he did).
The last day of school we both cried b/c all of his friends would be going on without him. Like I said earlier it was very difficult.

Now the good part. He will be going to the 4th grade next year (he should be in the 5th). He is doing much better now. The last conference I had with his teacher this year also involved tears, but for a very different reason. I was told that he was in the top 3 readers in his class.

Looking back yes it was a very difficult decision but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Alex is prepared to take each step to the next level. I would strongly advise it!

It is not a failure, it is a challenge......A challenge to realize that you are making the best decision for your child that you possibly can to prepare her for the long haul!

Best of luck to you & your daughter!!!!

Oh hon, I feel so bad for you.

When you said she's been "struggling since kindergarten", I can't help but be reminded of a book I've seen recently entitled
"What Happened to Recess and Why Are Our Children Struggling in Kindergarten?" It might interest you.

The subject of discipline is so difficult - every child is different, and what works for one kid may not work for yours. But harsh discipline and punishments can break the spirit of many sensitive children and frequently only has short-term benefits. (They do what you want, but for the wrong reasons - because they are scared of punishment, not because they are really understanding what you want them to learn.)

Mary Sheedy Kurcinka has some great books on "Raising your Spirited Child" while treating them with respect. Some of the brightest children are also the most stubborn, and it can be difficult to get out of the confrontational mode - it's hard to figure out how to work WITH them and not against them all the time. But it can be really hard to do. You lose your patience and just want to reach out and yell or spank - do ANYTHING to get it over with. Parents who demand respect from their children without modeling it back, without treating the children with respect as well, are doing them a disservice, in my humble opinion. Also check out "Unconditional Parenting" by Kohn -it's on DVD if you're tight on time.

I know nothing about your child, I certainly can't say whether meds are appropriate, are doing more harm than good, but I am concerned with the trend in general.

Some schools are expecting too much of children - some young children just need more free time and more time to run around and "get the wiggles out", and if every class has the 2 most rambunctious kids on medications, (which is quickly becoming the typical classroom these days), over time it will skew educators view of what is "normal behavior" for kids and their concept of "developmentally appropriate expectations". (In other words, if the one kid that was the "class clown" is medicated, or removed from the classroom, then some of the other children, who only occasionally acted up, will be seen as the "most disruptive kids in the class", by definition. Normal behavior is gradually seen as abnormal, and children who don't meet the expectations get held back when perhaps the problem isn't the child, the problem is what is being expected of them.)

On the other hand, perhaps holding her back a year will be the best decision. Not because of intelligence, but because of the emotional development and plain old maturity that comes with age. "The gift of time" as some educators call it. The difficulty of material isn't all that different from one year to the next, and hopefully her future teachers will be able to keep things interesting enough that she's not bored in school. (A lot of times, it's not whether things are too easy or too hard, the concepts are just presented in a manner that's boring! At least that's how I remember a good portion of my elementary school days.)

My best friend has just gone through a lot of turmoil this year, and she finally decided to hold her son back in preschool one more year. (She has come to hate the expression "the gift of time", by the way.) But she knows there are plenty of things she can teach at home, things they may not talk about in school, so she's not too worried about her son "getting bored". And she realizes that she'll get the gift of one more year with her child before he goes off to college (crossing her fingers).

She also knows several children who were not held back from kindergarten, and then 2nd grade became the "big deal". Having to repeat 2nd grade was more traumatic because the children have a better idea of the expectations, the trend, and where all thier friends are.
So, if it must be done, perhaps sooner is better than later.

I don't know anything about your situation, but I am concerned that the population of children are being over-diagnosed and over-medicated. The reason I have such mixed feelings about medications is that, although I'm sure it's appropriate for some families, I have a child in my family that I have known since he was 2 that has been diagnosed with ADHD/hyperactivity , ODD, and the lastest thing now is "possibly Asbergers". This little 5-year-old that has been basically on a cocktail of various meds since preschool. I've always thought my nephew was basically a fine boy going through a lot of difficulties (abandoned by his father, raised by a single mom who has very few financial resources. There was never any access to high-quality daycares, and every time I've seen him, all the adults have unrealistic expectations of appropriate behavior for a 3,4,5 year old. I mean, at four years old, he was fussed at every time he ran in the park. Not running in a restaurant or grocery store - in the park! It was always "Stop running! You'll fall and hurt your knees.")

So now he behaves perfectly, sits still during long meals, never interrupting the adults, etc, but he looks like he's stoned. Seriously.

It's a tough situation for everyone in our family, as I'm sure it is for yours as well. My heart truly goes out to you.

Hey L.. First, let me tell you, I have been (and still am in) your shoes. I have four children (and I am surprisingly expecting again). My oldest, whom is now 13, was also diagnosed at 5 with ADD (no HD) and ODD. I have spent many a night crying myself to sleep when he was younger (and sometimes, but not nearly as often now) because as you well know, ODD is HARD TO HANDLE. He, too, was also asked to repeat the first grade, and... I fought it. I won. You see, if YOU think in your heart of hearts that she can handle second grade, then you pass her. I knew with the RIGHT meds, routine checks, and a heart of steel, we could do this. He went to a tutor two days a week, he had/has chores which I let him decide what he would do (for instance, he chose what days he would load the dishwasher after dinner,like Tues/THurs, he "chose" how the pillows go on his bed when he made the bed up), but i have found that kids with ODD need choices, but they CANNOT run your house. You are in charge, you know your kid best, but the kid has to do a little work, you just have to sneak it in. Chores at home help them with getting to task at school. Why? I don't know. If the defiance at school, however continues, explain to her that there is a consequence, just like there is a consequence at home if something isn't done or obeyed. In this case, she will be held back. Be honest with her. The school work fell right into place after that, and to tell you the truth, at 13, he has better study skills than my two VERY gifted, no problem daughters have. In fact, he was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society in January. The proudest moment for both of us. Only you walk in those shoes day-to-day, only you know your kid best. Remember that before you retain.

Your child will take on the feelings you have about this "retention" so I suggest that you wrap your head around how this will help her and all of the positives that will come from her repeating the grade. At first grade, there is a minimal stigma associated with repeating. She might be confused by her friends moving on, but ultimately your attitude will set the tone for how she feels about this. And yes, she must learn, she must deal with the consequences, but there are good consequences to this situation that she should be made aware of, too. Figure out why you are so concerned with it, deal with it and don't treat her like a victim (unless you want her to be one).

Well I have a sister-n-law tht is ADD, ADHD and has seizurs. To give you a little background about her. Her biological mother was an alcholic. She was drunk giving birth to her. Now this young lady is 22 years old and has a mind of a 10 year old. She sees a counselor every Monday. This young lady did not take her first steps until she was 5 years old. Can you believe that. Now I am not telling you this to say you did just that. No. Just giving you alittle history about this young lady.

Now her adopted mother has put her in special classes. She has to learn at her own pace. Putting your son with kids that learn at a normal rate is unfair to him. Being kept back in the first grade is unfair to him also. He should have been in a class surrounded by kids like him. Do not let them keep him back just because for them he did not learn at their pace. That is not fair to either of y'all. He is not stupid, dumb or what ever they want to call it. He has a problem that needs to be handled on a different level.

Now if you want I can give you my number and you can talk with my mother-n-law and she can tell you everything you need to know and do.

Here is my number ###-###-####

L.-
It seems like you've gotten a lot of good advice here but I wanted to add one thing. You may want to see if it's a personality conflict with her teacher. One of my friends has a daughter with some problems in school. She is a very bright girl but she was failing 1st grade. Well I suggested a change in teachers and when she did the teacher that I suggested never had a problem and she's finishing out the year on the honor roll. If your daughter goes to Taylor's Creek I can recommend a great teacher who does well with what other teachers label "difficult" or "problem" children. If not I'l bet some other parents on here could probably do the same for whatever school your daughter attends.

Hope this helps
Mesha

L.,
I too have a child with ADHD, he is 15 now. When he was in kindergarden it was suggested (strongly) that he repeat and we flat out refused, he had not been diagnosed with ADHD yet. We thought he was just a high-spirited typical boy. It was again suggested in first grade - by then he was diagnosed and was on meds. and had jumped 5 reading levels once on medicine, so we thought for sure he could move to the next grade and did so. Things were incredibly rough and time consuming until about 7th grade. It was then that he turned the corner so to speak - in maturity level mostly. Thankfully he is an honor roll student since 3rd grade but it came at a high price I think. Home life was quite turbulent because of all the time and effort that had to go into him and school so much more than with a child without ADHD.
So, here's the thing....If I had to do it all over again, I would definetly have held him back one year, he needed the time to mature a bit and learn to do what has to be done in school. It really isn't a failure and we found that most of the kids he knows are about a year older than him now in the same grade - they just started school later. What seemed so awful to contemplate (holding him back) at the time, now doesn't seem as bad a choice.
I know how hard this is - you do what you feel is best, taking in all the advice and suggestions and coming up with what works for you guys. You be your childs biggest fan and advocate!
Good luck
C. B.

My son failed the CRCT in 3rd grade which ment he had to repeat 3rd grade. He was upset. His grades were good all year. He just wasn't ready for fourth grade mentally. But I knew it would be easier to be held back in Elementry school then Middle or High school. Now he's in 5th grade grades up and I know he is ready for Middle school. So don't think of it as FAILURE think of it as an adjustment. She'll figure it all out!!!!!!

I understand and am with you in a similar situation. My son is in kindergarten and may be held back. Who gets held back in kindergarten? I believe he has some kind of ADD as well and have made a doctor's appointment. I have learned that prayer changes things and prayer will change your baby girl! Let's pray together for our children to become the great students they can be and for ourselves for strength. We are their mothers for a reason, we have to fight! S. S.

L., I worked in first grade for 15 years as a paraprofessional. I also raised 3 children of my own. I understand what you may be feeling, but let me give you a positive spin on things.

I remember in particular 2 children in my classes that were retained on different years. My teacher rarely retained. Both of these children went on to do SO MUCH BETTER in school after repeating first grade. People don't realize that most all of the basic concepts that future learning builds on are taught in first grade. It's a massive amount of information to master. If the student doesn't master the basics, they will be lost when going further in school. My teacher only retained students that she felt would TRULY benefit from it--some students are very slow learners and still wouldn't get it after 2 years of first grade. Those were promoted and enrolled in special classes.

One of our students that we retained repeated the second year of first grade with us. He was ahead of the new first graders when school began and he enjoyed that feeling of excelling. Because he already "knew the ropes" we used him as a helper, to show others what he already knew how to do. He grew both academically and socially that year and had A GREAT second year. His mother was thrilled. The other student repeated with another teacher and went on to make AB honor roll in the future. I am so proud of both of these boys.

So, think of this as a positive thing instead of a negative. Would you rather have your child go on and struggle, falling further behind--feeling lost or would you rather have a child that has a chance to catch up and actually excel in the future. Best wishes. K.

L.--I have four kids. They are all SO different. I have one that is so very self driven that I have never had to tell her to do her homework. Another has to be goaded into working at all. My kinder garner only works when you make him--and really wants to.

I DO think that if you feel the school has really tried to work with her, you should listen to them. I think that the school system in South Carolina gets a bad rap. I have, for the greatest majority of the time, been so pleased with the care and education that my children are getting.

I think that with the school system as big as it is kids can fall through the cracks. YOU are very lucky that they have taken a real interest in your precious little one. I do not think that they take it lightly when they suggest that they "retain" a child. We go to a relatively small school, and there was a child who struggled in my daughters classes from k5-3, when they finally talked his mom into holding him back. They had been trying all along. He has blossomed with his second try at third grade.

I have several friends who have decided to home school. It is not for me or my family, but you might let her repeat and see how it goes.

L. -

I understand that it's hard to hear that your child has not performed at the level required for promoting to another grade. We never want to hear that our little ones are anything but fabulous. You stated that your daughter is "stubborn beyond belief". I would like to suggest that this is a character issue, not a disability issue. Take this trait the way it is currently being exercised and put it on her when she's 13, 30 or any age you choose. "Stubborness" can serve someone well, when it is demonstrated for good. When demonstrated for anything other than good, it is a reflection of selfishness, disobedience and a hardened heart. I would encourage you to work on her heart and you will find that the "stubborness" will change into something much more desirable.

As far as putting a positive spin on being retained, I would calmly and factually explain to her the reasons why she is being held back. No cotton candy explanations to soften the blow. The sooner she experiences and understands the FULL consequences of her actions/decisions, the better off she will be. It might even be beneficial for her to hear it from her teacher. It may seem harsh to deal with a 5 year old child this way, but these lessons are hard to learn no matter what age we are and the sooner we figure this out in life, the better. I wish you much wisdom and grace when dealing with this. Sounds like you love your little girl with every ounce of your being.

With warm regards from the mother of five children, 2 of which have a stubborn streak - just like thier mom :-)

I have a son that started life with a developmental delay because he couldn't hear and it was horrible getting a doctor in Florida to ref us to a ent for him to have ear tubes. finally we did get the referral and ear tubes we spent 3 yrs in special ed and finally come to find out he developed ADHD which isn't unusual in this kind of situation for us. Leading up to what I want to say is this we had 2 yrs and many doctors and specialist in our lives but one doctor still to this day will always stay in my mind many words of wisdom (he was a ped neuro dr) Dr. Miller in Woodstock he said when I asked what to do for my son when he wasn't doing well in kindergarten ..."it is far better to be the big fish and be ahead a little then to be the little fish". After he said that I decided to take my son out of kindergarten oh, goodness the school called me and went on and on about the harm I could be causing him. Well, I put him back into a non special ed prek and the following yr he went to kindergaten of course he knew what was going on he cried, he said I thought he was stupid. I said know you aren't you are the bravest person I know in my life...he said how am I brave mommy I'm a little boy?? I said because you are going back to kindergarten next yr a little older and smarter then the kids that will be there I'll call you the Big Fish and know one but us will know what it means. He said oh really?? I said yes, you are a brave Big Fish it's like an Indian name. My husband has American Indian on his father's side of the family so it is true. So here's what I have to say to you it's far better for her to be the Big Fish then the little fish next yr struggling and trying to keep up she may not only surprise you but herself since she's done it before she may choose to be a great help to her teacher and new friends. Don't look at it as any kind of failure, failure not matter what other children say is when a person goes to Vegas and barrows against there house to gamble and they lose. Consequences are for those who rob a bank and get caught so they go to jail that's a consequence of a bad decision. What has happen to her is that she may have needed to stay back a grade last year so she didn't she needs to this year she needs to be a Big Fish listen it's all in how you look at it and let her talk about it to you and how she feels. It's really better now then say in an older grade that can be way over whelming. You didn't fail and she didn't fail you are doing your best to give her the tools (school) in which she will need to survive in life for daily basic living. Now as for me yes I repeated 1st grade and I am still alive did it hurt my feelings yes and back in the early 1970's your parents didn't talk to you about it, we just went. If I could relive it I'd rather my mother been more supportive I was over whelmed I didn't get math and I sure didn't get reading. If I got a math problem wrong my father spanked me or pulled my hair. I learned to read up until 7th grade then it was discovered I could read but could never tell you what I read I had a reading comprehension problem I begged the reading teacher not to tell my Dad or I'd get slapped in the face. She didn't I learned to read during study hall we started out with Dick and Jane...oh dear lord it was sad I cried, I learned and now I can read faster and better then many people even my Nephew who just graduated from college. I also needed help on learning how to study and do homework after school but know one taught me so I failed many classes in those years and they taken an a minute to listen to me maybe I would of done better. I'm not saying that you aren't it noted she gets help I'm just answering your last question about me. So the confidence thing comes from people telling you you are doing good and giving her things to do that she can do and complete not just homework but stuff over this summer say a kids cooking class or her cooking something at home for home or making cup cakes and you letting her ice them and everyone making a big deal over it...that's what helps with confidence in my opinion. I wish you the very best and my prayers are with you.

L.,

I would talk with her doctor. Maybe her meds can be changed. Maybe you can talk with her therapist about focusing some therapy sessions on school.

My oldest is on meds and was in therapy during fourth and fifth grade.

You didn't say if the school offered any services for her that can help. Maybe talk with the school about that on Thursday. My son was in public school for a year and a half in Georgia and we never heard any problems. We moved away and within a month and a half he has been evaluated by a physician, a physical therapist, an occupational therapist, and a speech therapist. All provided by the school district.

As a nurse, I would definitely recommend discussing with your child's doctor before you take her off any meds. A lot of meds need to be weaned, not stopped. I don't know if I would take her off meds, but that is my thoughts and feelings. Everyone is different.

I am very glad to hear she is in therapy, that is great.

Good luck to you.

L.,

If you have an evaluation and diagnosis from a doctor for ADHD/ODD, you should check into having an IEP written up for your daughter. The school should be providing an environment where they can help your child learn. You can request what is called a Special Services Team or SST to be called to discuss the observations at school and at home. They will bring in the school counselor and psychologist, her teachers, maybe the special ed teacher and sometimes the principal or vice principal if they have anything to add. They will try to control the agenda, but make sure you have a chance to be heard as well. What you are trying to arrive at is a soluttion that involves the least restrictive environment that will be effective. Try to avoid placement in a Special Ed class if she is learning and will be bored there. There are all kinds of options, but do your research, know your rights and stick up for your child!

Another suggestion -- Try giving her a Vitamin-B complex. My son who is ADHD/ODD has really improved. It doesn't help his focus, and he still needs his stimulant meds, but it makes a big difference in his mood, which is more than half the battle with us. That and making sure he gets enough sleep. It won't help right away...I think it took about a week or so before I saw noticeable improvement. Worth a try!

S.

All children do not learn at the same rate. She can be in the second grade and learn what is needed in the second grade to place her on level. She may require other resources that your school can provide. Retaining her does not resolve her issues. It sounds like issues with health and discipline. Seek the assistance of competent alternative health practioner for her ADHD. It sounds as if her meds are not wworking anyway. It could be her food intake and meds that cause her ADHD. Parenting classes for her parents/guardians. This is not to say that you are a bad parent. You may need some other parenting strategies.

Do not allow retention of your child at this stage.

L., are you saying that you have a child whom is ONLY a 1st grader, whom is about to repeat the 1st grade, whom is on meds, yet, her teachers stated she is smart, but stubborn.

If the above is true, that is very scary. I have not ever heard of such horror. For start, you should get your child off med, if it is due to them trying to discipline her in school. That is beyond ridiculous.

Unfortunately, one of the many challeges with the teacher is, their inability to understand the mind-set of "today's" children. Children of this generation are more advanced then in my generation and I am 41 years old. Since they are misunderstood in so many ways, many people deemed them to have an issue or considered as a problem child.

Once you take your child off the meds, talk with her. Ask her how she feels about school, what does she like about school, what does she not like about school, what are her favorite subjects and study how she learns. Children learn differently from others, which doesn't mean some are smarter than the other.

I have walked in your shoes. I was told that my son needed to be on meds at the age of 8. Had I not known my child, I would have put him on meds. He is now 17 years old and an honor student, preparing to go to college and has not EVER been on meds.

In addition, I have taught children of all ages. Which position me to become familiar with various mindsets. It would be my pleasure to provide some form of guidance in your sitation, if you desire. Please pay attention to your child and not allow others to dictate how their minds should be controlled. Take Care. LJB