Scold Kids' Friends for Using Bad Words?

Love Bridgett B's response. We absolutely don't use "nuts" but butt is used all the time. I always tell the kids, "we don't use that word in this house please."

We used to say, "those are not appropriate words."

All of as parents used to tell each others children this rule.

I hate when my 8 yr. old calls them nuts or balls, and I tell him not to, but I also know that it is not the end of the world and that he will grow up to be an awesome person :)

Your house --- your rules.

I personally don't see anything wrong with the words in your post. Be happy he's not using the N word or the F bomb or other words that could cause a lot of hurt. What words would you rather he used? Maybe you need to explain that to him.

I think it is totally appropriate for you to ask them not to use those words in your home, but I wouldn't have told the kid they are "bad" words, just words you don't like/use.

There is nothing "bad" about any of those words. I would be irritated if you told my kid "butt" was a bad word.

Your house, your rules. The end.
L.

No I dont think you overstepped your bounds. It is your home and when other children are there they need to follow the rules you set. Maybe instead of saying it's a bad word just say it is a word we dont use in our home. :)

I pull the Drama Queen routine to avoid sounding like a crab! I cover my ears & just pull one of those, "Aaaaah, we don't say that in our home!". Gets everybody laughing, they learn my rules....& we move on.

It's amazing what humor can do to help move the situation along...without creating a discipline event. :) Good Luck!

Of course, I'm the one who just called my older son's friend "Eddie Haskell"....because he was sucking up to us & I know what a jerk/devil/drunk he can be. (he's 25....I can say this stuff.) He had no idea what the phrase meant, & my son had to explain all about "Leave it to Beaver"! LOL

I don't find those words particularly offensive. In fact, they are rather benign. But you are not overstepping your bounds by telling these boys that those words are not used in your house. Definitely offer up some alternative words for them to use so they know what is acceptable in your house.

After the sleepover, you can reiterate to your kids that even though their friends use those words, and even used them in your house, that they are not allowed to say them in your house. Have a safe and fun night!

In our house we don't call them "bad words" but "rude words". The explanation of rude words is that it is words that hurt people's feelings or that people feel are rude. Your idea of a rude word is not the same as another or even a third. There was a period of time where my 2 boys would call each other a "baby" with all the hate and meanness of any other nastier word the FCC would bleep. The word "baby" isn't bad as itself but the way they meant it was and we banned the word in that context.
We use stupid in our house, but we don't use it to call someone stupid as an insult. We use it to refer to something that isn't working (stupid TV, stupid car etc). But we don't say "you are stupid". It's not the word, it's the context.
If you do not wish to hear certain words in your house you have every right to tell them you do not like to hear it and would like them to stop. You do not find it to be a polite word.

I wouldn't scold, but let them know we don't use those words in our house. To tell them they're "bad" words could cause them confusion when they can say them at home, and a call from an irate parent. But you definitely have the right to say what is appropriate in your home.

When I hear things I feel are inappropriate I ask, "Are you allowed to say that in your home?" If the answer is "yes" I then say, "Well, we don't here in ours so let's use other words, OK?" and that's pretty much the end of it. If I get a red face or hung head I know they aren't and that ends it, too.

You don't allow those words in your house, and you're perfectly within bounds to tell the kids. They are old enough to be able to understand that there are some rules at others' houses that we don't have at our own house.

I think it's ok to say that you don't use those words in your house, but not to scold or punish him for it. It helps if you explain why, especially since you have a younger one that is going to pick up on it all. You don't want him to feel bad or alienated.

It's not different than if he was allowed to baseball inside his own house, but you don't allow it in yours. You wouldn't feel bad telling him not to throw balls, right?

Don't feel guilty. I think it's fine to impose your own house rules, as long as you don't do impose consequences.

You need to say that those words are not allowed to be used in your home. It may also be helpful to set those kinds of rules in advance. I personally don't find any of those words inappropriate, except for stupid if it is being used in a hurtful way, and I would be annoyed if you told my kids that they were bad words. Did you provide substitute words that they could use? "I'm shaking my behind." "I hit him in the jewels." Silly instead of stupid...
ETA...It seems your objection to the word nuts has more to do with the violent action of kicking someone in the nuts. My boys love America's Funniest Videos, and Many of the videos include some poor unsuspecting dad getting kicked or hit in the "nuts". My boys know that is a sensitive spot to get hit and will groan "oh, right in the nuts" or something similar. They also play hard, and wrestle and such, as is normal for little boys. Now and then you will hear "you got me right in the nuts." They both understand that is not considered fair play, but it sometimes happens by accident. I personally would rather hear them say "nuts" than "testicles". Kids love to shake their butts, and they love to get other people to watch them do it. I don't see a problem with it, as log as they are clothed. As for butt, I'm curious what words you do use? As far as I'm concerned, using butt instead of buttocks or glutious maximus is no different than using tummy instead of stomach or digestive tract. At times my kids are pains in the butt, or they might have a sore butt, or I may tell them to sit on their butt.

You definitely have the right to set the rules in your house.
One boy who often came to our house would use the f word. I took him aside and told him we don't use words like that at our house and that if he did it again he would not be invited back. I just said it very matter of factly and we never had a problem from with that again.

Your house, your rules. You did the right thing, IMO If they wanted to fight would you let them? Same thing.

Maybe not scold your kid's friends, but tell them you don't say those words in your house and leave it at that.

BTW: In our house, "butt" is not a swear word, but my brother and sister-in-law did not appreciate my husband and me teaching their eight-year-old son the "What's up?" "Chicken butt!" joke. We honestly did not know they didn't use that word! Otherwise we would have edited:^) Your kid's friends may not be saying those things to be "naughty", just that they're not aware you don't use the words in your home.

You probably confused the kids by scolding them for words that are normal to them.
The better way to handle it would be to let your own kids know they arent allowed to use those words.

I was pretty lenient there as well... I'd ask them if they washed their nutsack or their butt before they got out of the shower, And my boys were rough and tumble so talking about kicking someone in the nuts was something I would hear on occasion. Boys can be crass. Even the sons of a Preacher man.

Whether or not a word is crass doesn't by proxy make it a swear word. There are some words people just don't like.

In the situation you described you just don't like the words. I don't like the word barf, can I claim that to be a bad word? That would be just stupid.

So far as saying kick him in the nuts, I would have said something because that type of violence is not allowed in my home. The rest of it I would have rolled my eyes.

You are never going to survive the teen years if you don't lighten up.

Your house - enforce your rules. It's also a life lesson about respect and courtesy.

Nah... Not at all. I think you're totally justified. In my classroom I don't let kids say "butt" or "stupid" and those kids are 10! I just tell them that I don't like them very much, in some homes they're not allowed and they're completely uncreative anyway, so why not find better words. I wouldn't allow kids to say any of those words that the boy at your house said, especially the things about the "nuts" - ugh. I think it's totally appropriate to tell him you just don't say those things at your house - it's just your rule. I would be totally okay with someone asking my daughter not to use the word "butt" at their house because they don't use it. I wouldn't be offended at all... It would be their house and they would be feeding and taking care of my kid - their rules!

So is there anything doesn't offend you? A word that you don't care for does not necessarily constitute a bad, or swear word. In my house we call things what they are - butt, boobs, vagina, nuts - whatever. Now, stupid is a word I don't care for & it's just not a nice or meaningful word, IMO, so we try not to use it. Same for "dumb", and other negative, mean words.

I guess I consider "f*c*", "sh!t", "b!tch", etc bad/swear words that a kid shouldn't be saying. "Butt" - not so much. It's a butt, he's shaking it, so what?! I think you might have issues down the road if words like that are prohibited in your house. And to think that your kids won't say those words when they're not in your presence is not very realistic, either.

i'm with you and wouldn't allow that talk in my home either

No no, you aren't overstepping your bounds. He is a CHILD in your home and has to go by your rules.

So many adults think that when they invite kids over that they can't manage them like they do their own kids because they are "guests". But kids are not little adults. They have to be taught how to act at other peoples' houses, and it's your job to teach them how things are at YOUR house.

The next time he starts "shaking his butt" like that, you tell him it is time for him to go home. Pick up his things and start heading him toward the door. When he says he doesn't want to go, make him apologize. Remind him that what you say goes in your house and that he is not allowed to use that language or use his body in that manner. It will sober him up and make him toe the line.

I promise you that you will be doing this kid a big favor with this.

Btw, according to your SWH, the mother is actually ASKING you to hold his feet to the fire. Help her out! She needs for you to do this. You are lucky that she's not poo-pooing you. And WHY, exactly, does this kid need to talk about people getting kicked in the genitals? What kind of conversation precipitates THAT? You need to be strict with him and tell him that ANY talk like that will make him have to go home.

PLEASE don't let a kid run roughshod over you. People who allow that are part of the PROBLEM of kids being rude. Really and truly.

Dawn

I have the most uptight over bearing SIL. Who was visiting us the other day in OUR house. And my son was watching TV, and said, "wow, that sucks." And no kidding, she said "We don't use language like that, please don't speak like that in front of my daughters. (who are 14 and 8)
I was like, WHAT!!, I didn't say anything, but I did not think that was a problem at all!
People have different ideas I guess, as to what constitutes "language."
to me the word "butt" is mildly offensive, but I would not chastise for using it.
The word "nuts" is pretty normal for boys to use, it's not offensive. Kicking someone in them is though!

I agree with your standing your ground on what kind of talk is permitted in your home. I have done the same.

However, I feel that as your kids grow older, you may want to re-think and clarify the reasons behind your rules. You will encounter many forms of words, many expressions, many actions that can be hurtful or rude or vulgar or downright profane. Some will seem innocent on the surface but can be incredibly hurtful.

To simply say a word is "bad" doesn't give your kids enough information about why those words aren't used in your home, and it doesn't allow you to really defend your position to your kids' friends.

You can say "we use words that are helpful or encouraging" or "we don't talk about things that should be private" or something like that. "Butt" is not a bad word. In the grocery store you can buy a pork butt. You can butt heads. Goats butt each other. But to refer to "butt" in the way that boy did could be interpreted as impolite or rude. You could just tell him that you would prefer he would not talk about shaking his butt and that talking like that is not the language you allow in your home. Nuts is another: it's a common noun, so it's a perfectly acceptable word. Soup to nuts. Fruit and nuts. But, using the word in a vulgar way, and using it in a sentence that implies violence or harm is NOT acceptable. So you can say "in this house we don't use threats or talk about using our hands and feet and words to hurt someone".

So I encourage you to not just label words as "bad" but to think deep about why those words aren't allowed. Don't just tell your kids "you can't do that", but why. That will be instilling values instead of just spouting rules.

He is in your home and you cannot allow other kids to dictate what you allow. You did not over step your bounds. I wouldn't even have him over again if he couldn't control himself.

I think asking him to stop, and letting him/them know that you don't use those words in your home is fine. It's kind of odd to me, really, because generally I wouldn't find a guy saying "nuts" that offensive. Depending upon the circumstances. But in some situations, yes. It all depends... a backyard BBQ with a bunch of guys hanging around the grill, etc... no problem. Sitting at a formal dinner table, it would cause my eyebrow to rise.

That said, it isn't a "bad" word. But my son doesn't and never has used it. At least not that I am aware of, which is how it "ought" to be, in my opinion. That is "locker room language". My husband doesn't use it either, again, at least I have never heard him use it. He tends to not feel the "urge" to flaunt his manliness by using crude language in front of women and children. He is just polite and respectful that way. And we have raised our son to behave that way also.

First of all, you have my sympathy.
I know our sleepover party with 6 8/9 year old boys was quite possibly (not including labor & delivery) the longest night of my night.

Second of all...your house, your rules.

I had to nip the F-bomb in the bud with O. kid.

Right now with the 9/10 year old boys it is all about nuts, balls, etc. I think the words you've banned are mild. But it's YOUR house!

Your home, your rules....at the very least the child needs to understand manners when in someone else's home.

I would also let him know, he will not be invited back again (even to play) if he doesn't listen to you and your husband.

Your house, your rules.

Yes, other houses allow different language, but at your house, all you need to do is say "We don't use those words here. If you continue to do that, you will have a time-out. If it continues after that, I may end up sending you home. Please don't use those words in this house."

I completely agree with you. My 7 year old son had a friend over the other day that kept saying, "What the?" I will agree that these words are not bad but in this context they imply that he will say a bad word. We don't allow our son to use this phrase so I explained why to both of them and I only heard it once the rest of the time he was there and I just kindly reminded him that we don't like that phrase to be used in our home. I would have the same issue with "nuts" and "balls", we don't allow "stupid" in our house either. When he gets to be a teenager it might be a different story, I may not approve of it and in my house I will discourage it but at that age he will be old enough to make decisions like that.

I truly tell them if they don't stop saying it then I will have to call their moms to come get them.

My 5 year old is using the "F" word all day every day now due to a situation like this. The mom of the friend he got this from thinks it's not a big deal.

I think it is a huge deal. We call some words not nice words then there are naughty words.

Nuts would be on the not nice list and not so extreme in the punishment. However using God in a phrase while playing a video game is just not going to cut it around here. Neither is calling a child in their gymnastics class "F"head going to be allowed at all.

Your house, your rules. I grew up in a house where it was unacceptable to use the words "sucks", "blows" (the slang versions). Those words made my parents cringe. I am sure that lots and lots of families are fine with those words and just accept them as common slang, but they were big no-no's for our household. Every family is going to be different in what they accept language and behavior-wise, but you have every right to say, "When you are at my house, we do not accept cussing" or "Sorry, Potty-talk is not allowed here".
We have some neighbor kids that regularly engage in the "potty talk", ya know, talking about butts, nuts, farts, poop, etc. If that is what they want to talk about at their house- fine- I cannot control that (although I can control whether my kids go over there, if needed), but when they are over here, I give them a nice "Oh, we do not use potty talk here", and then if it continues I may send them home.

We use "butt" all the time. It is short for "buttocks," and I do not consider it a bad word. I have referred to my son's rear end as his butt since he was a baby. I'm just curious what you think is bad about this word? Frankly, I would not be happy if you scolded my son for using it, because he wouldn't know any better, and he would be genuinely bewildered and probably a little hurt.

We don't use "nuts," and I do think that word is kind of crass, but I'm also not sure I consider it a bad word. I think it depends if this boy was truly testing his limits, or simply using words that are acceptable in his house. If it was the latter, then getting him to change his language would be nearly impossible, because it is truly difficult for someone to change words that they just accept in their vocabulary.

Honestly, if it was my house, I would have said that I don't particularly like those words to the little boy, and then dropped it. Afterwards, I would have reminded my kids that I don't like those words and I don't want to hear them. Unless they're saying words that aren't even allowed on daytime TV, scolding a child for saying bad words seems like an overstep to me. I will add, however, that I have never yet encountered this situation myself, so who knows. ^_^

Your house your rules the kid should respect that

Hey -
I completely feel your pain. I am a single mom and friends with another single mom of a boy. My personal feelings are that my friend is trying to raise a "true boy" and I think she encourages her son to "act like and be more boy like" by using language and words that I truly think are inappropriate. The "nuts" expression is one that she lets her son use and I absolutely forbid my son to use. My son thought it was a funny expression and picked it up and started using it. I told him not to use, but I finally had to punish him for using it before he "got it" that I was SERIOUS about not talking like that.

My personal thoughts on correcting children are:
1. I don't correct them in front of their own parents. If their parents don't correct them, then their parents deem their behavior, language acceptable.
2. I will readily correct my children if they mimic behavior I find unacceptable. And, I will readily do this in front of the other children and the other children's parents. Even if I have to say, "I don't care what Johnny is allowed to say or do. That is impolite and YOU are not going to say or do x."
3. I will definitely correct other people's children in my home regardless of whether it is in front of parents or not. I can easily use the excuse of "My daughter is younger and I don't want her to hear that language." As far as I am concerned, my house, my rules.

Good luck!!
L.

My 3 and 4 yr old are experimenting with new words they hear, not all of them acceptable for their ages or for our family, imo. It's a dilemma though...I offer a brief explanation and give them an alternative word to use but sometimes that just perpetuates it and gets them giggling and riled up about it. It is new territory for us and I am curious to see what kinds of responses you get to this one, even though my situation is a bit different.

Your house, your rules. I totally think you are right to ask they to abide by your rules. I don't like those words either. It sounds like that boy isn't the wisest choice to have your son hang around too much. It's not that they are really "bad" words, but they surely aren't edifying. They are showing a great amount of foolishness. Are you going to have the supervised to sleep? I would be curious what your sons will be exposed to in the dark. Things tend to really heat up in the conversations when the lights are out. He's probably fine, but not for much longer, most likely.

Don't let anyone tell you or make you feel that you are a prude or uptight!! Your house, your rules! And I agree that the language is crude, crass and inappropriate. You didn't punish him - you just let him know that his words were not acceptable in your home. Bravo to you for raising boys who will know how to speak politily and with respect. More folks should do so, IMHO.

I agree with you. Those terms aren't appropriate, and I won't allow them in my house.

I tell my boys that there's a time and place for everything. My house, my rules. If they're out at the creek with their guy friends, I don't care what they say. But if they're in someone's home, around adults, or ladies (which includes girls), they will control their language or I'll get the soap.

Enforce your rules. That's what I say.

It's your house, your rules, and they need to comply. I think your response is completely appropriate to ask him to stop. Guess what- the "norm" is not appropriate in my opinion and that's part of what's wrong in the world today! It's "normal" to see 7 and 8 year old's in PG-13 movies, and I think it's horribly inappropriate. Kids will be exposed to language, violence, and sex eventually, but why purposely introduce it before they are mature enough to handle it! Yes, I know, butt and nuts are not the same as the content in a PG-13 movie, I'm just saying- don't let the "normal" be your conscience here, use your judgement. No they are not bad words but they are crass and it's your prerogative to request they not be used in your home. My husband let the term "jewels" slip one time, and now my son (7) calls them jewels all the time. I let it go and have allowed him to say it, but would be horrified if he used it continuously in someone else's home (especially if asked to stop) because I understand how/why someone else would NOT want that term used (even though I have chosen to not make it an issue). We have had kids come to the house who say butt and that sucks or dang, and if they only say it once or twice I'll let it slip, but if it's repetitive I will say that we don't say that in our house. Your kids are watching and they know- my son will always look at me to see what I'm going to do when he hears kids use this language because he knows I don't approve. We always discuss how my rules are what he needs to follow and many other kids will do things that we don't allow in our house and that does not make it ok for him to do. Trust me, he still tests the limits, but it's an ongoing discussion. Good lesson to learn now about following what is right regardless of what the "crowd" is doing and feels is ok. You're doing the right thing!

I just make it clear what we do and don't do at our house, rather than telling kids what I consider "good" and "bad" behavior. For example, "In our house, we don't burp and fart at the dinner table". That way, you are not passing judgment, just setting limits on what you expect when they are visiting in your home.