Scripting, a.k.a., "Do the Little Kitten Can't Walk So She Has to Crawl," Etc.

I went with 'you can decide what you are going to say, I am going to decide what my 'guys' are going to say'. Over and over and over. Still have to remind him occasionally.

It sounds like the 'scripting' is just her wanting to dictate all the parts in her pretend game. Even the ones you are playing. Please correct this if this is not what you are saying. But it sounds perfectly normal to me. If she was playing pretend with peers, they would object and each would play their own part. I think it is fine to tell her she is only in charge of what her characters say and do, not what other people do.

My oldest did this too. My mom always indulged her and said whatever she was told to say. i wasn't quite as nice and told her I would not tell her what to say if she didn't tell me what to say. My daughter is 15 yo now and plays nicely with others😊. This too shall pass.

(My 4yo niece does this and so does my friend's daughter. I really don't think this is anything to worry about as another response indicated).

Your child is directing you, which, in some sense, makes sense. We direct children all day and, in turn, they want to direct us.

I think it's fairly normal for kids to be directive/bossy, however, her expecting perfection will become a problem in her interactions with others. Leigh R and Sweet Chaos gave you some good lines to use with her, regarding limits ("Two more times, one more time" or "I will say it and if I goof, that's okay..."). Teach her tolerance and patience-- you do not have to be perfect AND you are not a toy to be controlled by her. Teaching her to 'voice' with animals and other pretend play items (dolls, etc.) can also help.

At three and four, this is where preschool and peer correction can also come into play and be helpful. SH had some good points in regard to respecting people's limits. Here's the thing I've noticed, ES: the more acquiescent of a child's less-than-social or undesired behaviors we are at home, the harder it may be for our children to make that social leap once they enter preschool or kindergarten. I have seen it quite often that the kid whose parents do what they want them to do takes that bossiness right into the preschool or kindergarten classroom group and they can alienate other children because they have never learned 'give and take'.

All that to say, DO let her know your limits, Do encourage her to take turns directing things. "I'll say your thing two times, and I'd like us to......" I also want you to consider that she may not be ready, cognitively, for the empathy part you are suggesting. ("How would you like it if.....?") I have noticed that it's a nearly standard "NO" answer kids give to those questions of "Wouldn't it bother you if....?" Even older kids will very often claim that their own actions, turned on them, wouldn't bother them. Instead, I would treat it as Very Nice Favor you are doing for her. "You want me to say that again, huh? You must really like to hear about the kitten. I will say it just one more time, and then I'm all done." and then, just so you don't get into the trap of this becoming an attention-getting ploy, if she asks again, just a two word simple answer "All done." and move onto something else.

Consider preschool for her this fall, ES. It sounds like she's really ready for more social activity at her own level. :)

This is not something my boys have ever really done, but it does sound like something that would get on my nerves.

I've read your posts before but never answered because I wasn't sure it was something I could be helpful about. But you need to know that it really is ok for you to say no to her. From reading you talk about this, it really sounds like you think you're a bad mom if you tell her no or if you limit this in any way. I think it's important for you to stop feeling guilty and give yourself permission to give her a time limit or not allow it at all sometimes.

I think it's good for you to encourage her to be empathetic, but I don't think it's realistic to expect it. Begin teaching her, yes. But it's really not an age appropriate expectation right now.

It's ok to say no or not now. It really is!

Okay so "scripts" is your word for her.... repeating herself and/or her wanting you/Husband to say things JUST as she said it or JUST as she wants you to say it.

NO... you do NOT HAVE TO DO THIS.
Just say no.

Young Toddlers/kids, often repeat things or get picky about things.
But YOU need to say no.
It does not have to go on and on and on and on and on all day long.
And if she is being bossy, tell her "You are being bossy. That is not acceptable. Mommy has a limit, and I am tired. That's all. I have things to do now."

The limit, is up to you.
Not her.

How old is she?

Ya know, I have a VERY talkative son. He is VERY expressive and creative and ingenious and all those great things. BUT, if he repeats himself, fine. And if I had enough, I tell him "Mommy had enough. I need quiet now." And its fine. His feelings don't get hurt. I don't get all irked. And its dandy because, we are on the same page. And he understands.
And he is also very independent.
The thing is: I have TAUGHT my kids... MY limits, TOO. All this time since they were Toddlers. SO that, they can understand people's cues.... and how to express themselves too. Very openly. With me.
BUT, I am blunt and honest with them.
So, I can be honestly honest to them, when I have reached my limit. BEFORE I get all irked. And I TELL them "Mommy is at my limit... I need a break..." or similar things.
And its fine.
They have learned boundaries.
And I have too. As a Mom.
And no one's feelings are hurt. And my kids are not repressed. Either.
And we all communicate with each other.
And are open and they know me and my cues and I know them and their cues... and we all can tell each other our limits.

And, if your kid gets bossy... just say so.
"You are being bossy, I don't appreciate it. It is not appropriate. Redo your voice." And then, they will learn... how to adjust their tone and way of saying things and about boundaries.
When/if I tell my kids "I am at my limit...." they know, I am at my limit.
And then they realize. And it is no battle.

I have four kids, I am still trying to wrap my brain around what you are talking about and how it came about to be a game in your house.

To answer, don't know my limits because my kids never did that, thank god.

Honestly, I'd just say no. I'm pretty sure I've given advice on this topic before about limiting this game to a certain amount of time. But since it sounds like you are unable to do so, or she's so bossy that she has to have everything exactly HER way, I'd just nix it completely.

The rule is, if you play pretend, you say and do what YOU want to say and do. You can agree to be a kitten, but you get to make up your own script. If she starts demanding again, just get up and tell her that you aren't playing anymore. And STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Don't give in if she insists she won't do it again. Wait for another day.

http://www.naeyc.org/files/yc/file/201201/Leong_Make_Beli... This article discusses different steps in make believe play. Scripting and planning to do the script is the highest level according to this theory.

http://www.toolsofthemind.org/parents/make-believe-play/. I just looked this up to find more answers about what I said below. I think the key is to find more kids to play with.

**********************

I've been trying to figure out how to word a question about this myself. I am greatly relieved to hear that other kids do this, too. I don't know about the OCD messages in the forum here. I'm going to reflect on that.

My DD does this almost daily with both my DH and I. She's an only and she's seven years old. In my mind, I'm typically thinking, "She needs a kid right now for peer interaction." She wouldn't get away with this with her peers. Being an only, there are not necessarily times I can conjure up a child for her to play with.

I think the play is terribly creative, but I do get tired of it, and I tell her when I am done. Sometimes I do not tell her in time, and I have become quite annoyed. Sounds like it is time to set some ground rules (I'm talking to myself here!)

She now has extended it to directing a play or thinking about filming the play. I see that it can be great for her to do this because movie making is a solid career choice, so I don't want to squash this type of play, but I need to extract myself from being the actor at the director's whim.

DD is able to entertain herself, but she also likes to be with people and talk. This is why I participate in this play direction game. Yes, she does it with stuffies, too, but since she likes to talk to people, I try to fulfill that need of hers. I aksi try to find an activity both of us want to do at the moment when I tire of that type of playing.

Maybe our kids are trying to figure out how conversation works. As an only, I observe her talking with kids, and at times I observe natural conversation, and at other times I observe her trying to figure out what people would say. I don't know. I'm in the middle of figuring out this behavior myself.

I suspect Steven Spielberg did this, too.

I have three kids and none of them did anything remotely like what you are talking about, so I am clueless. I AM curious to see if others have dealt with this however!
My kids' imaginations usually involved them dressing up, painting/play doh, building "castles" and other things out of blocks, playing "house" or "store" and having many games and adventures with each other and/or their dolls, action figures and stuffed animals.
My husband and I were rarely involved in this level of play.
Even their preschool teachers didn't "play" with them, the kids played on their own or with each other. The teachers were there to facilitate and supervise.
Honestly I'd go a kind of crazy if I had to play like this. Can't you bond with her in other ways, like through house or yard work, cooking, crafts/games, stuff like that? My kids LOVED being involved with what I was doing when they were little (as teenagers, not so much!)

She's been doing this a good while now, hasn't she? I think I'd start "re-telling" the story in a different way and refuse to play her game. I worry that this is a bit of OCD manifesting itself and that if you continue to do it with her, she will get worse.

I agree with the poster who said to send her to pre-school as soon you can.

This would drive me bonkers.

Absolutely encourage her to make up stories and play along as you like, and try to have fun, but YES, set limits and don't feel guilty. It's OK to say "Let's color now" (or something).

My kids love, love, love, to play "puppet" (have me move their hands and talk) but they like it waaaaaaaaaaay better when they do it to me. Still, it is something we rarely do, and we limit it even then, because otherwise it would not be a nice game. At 3, she may have made you into her puppet. It's OK not to want to do this all the time.

Good luck!
e

I have no experience with this.
My son did repeat things from TV shows or movies sometimes, but "scripting"? No.
Have you researched scripting and echolalia in kids?
Have you talked to your pediatrician about it?

Our son just didn't 'script'.
And if he did, I just could not see me going along with it.
How about you approach it sideways.
Every time she starts up, you say it's time for Hokey Pokey and you both can do the song and dance.
You can get her some Wiggles dvds too.
Lot's of songs with dances to do keeps the kids busy.

Well, my three kids never did that but ...cuz Mom, Dad, grandparents, siblings, friends, cousins, teachers would never go along, so who could they do it with?
You ask what our limits are? my limit was zero.
I always found it was important to enjoy the time I play with my kids, this makes a happier mom. Kids know when you are suffering thru spending time with them, or enjoying spending time with them, but they dont know HOW to make it enjoyable, that is up to the parents. Find ways to play with your daughter that dont make you insane, it is the best thing for her.

i remember doing something similar with my friends when i was little. 'okay, so now you say "we're going to catch that wild stallion" and then you chase me with a lasso, okay?'
but not getting too hung up on exact words.
i think it's fine to go along with it in a very relaxed and casual fashion, and get him used to you playing with him, but that there's give-and-take in the rules.
playing with kids should be fun. when it's not, it's time to reframe it. or let them play alone for a while.
khairete
S.

again, my kids never did this, and the kids I taught in preschool didn't do it with me either, If she were older than 3 I would say she needed some evaluation, but if everything else is normal and she is only 3 then I might wait it out as well.

Just an idea, have you tried giving her a stuffed animal and showing her how she can make it talk,

Also do you say to her "look, Kiddo, did you see that fast red car go by, how cool was that, I would love to ride in a fast red car. What about you a fast red car or a speedy train what would you like"?????? get her engaged in something else

I did not indulge him in this exactly. I would say how about you are the baby kitten and I am mamma and you have to find me. Or I would suggest something different all together. My point in this was teaching him that he can not dictate what others do/say at all times. When he got old enough to say, "but you tell me what to do/say" I reminded him that he was learning the proper way and that I have already learned. When he is old enough to know how to do xyz he can teach someone like I teach him. In general when what I do is not right over and over again when we play I move on and tell him that when he is in a more forgiving and less bossy mood I will play again.

Hi E.S.,

I remember your previous posts about this "scripting". IMHO, it sounds like she may be a bit OCD. I think you should talk to her pediatrician.

If you're going to let her continue to do this, I would say "We can play this from now until lunchtime, and then we're going to stop. And I'm only going to say my line one time. If I goof up or forget a word, you'll just have to move on. If you can't move on, then we'll stop playing this game".

Three times. I don't think it's because she's bossy, I think it's because she's 3 years old. Do it three times, and then tell her that you want to do something else.

You will miss it when she's shrieking at you about the car keys. :)

My dd does this sometimes, too. Yes, it can get annoying, but not to the extreme you're describing. Although, one time we had about a 15 minute conversation (on a car ride) where she wanted to "ROAR" at me & daddy, I was supposed to say "Oh no, RUN!" And daddy was supposed to say "She's going to get us!" We kept teasing her and saying the wrong thing or one of us would interrupt her "roar" or whatever. At first she got bugged "No mama! You HAVE TO say 'Oh no, RUN!'" But, she eventually got the joke/teasing and started laughing at us. When we got bored (annoyed?) with it, we just said it once the right way and she congratulated us "Great job mama & daddy!" And that was the end of it. I think it's great to encourage creative play (what this is), but it's also important to let he know when you DON'T want to play any more.
Also, I think it's okay for our kids (especially girls) to be a little "bossy." How come when an man is aggressive, he's assertive, a leader, etc. But, when a woman is aggresive, she's bossy and a b#*$h ?? I encourage my daughter to tell us what she wants, but she still has to be polite and respectful.
Hope that helps! Good luck mama!

I think you're forgetting how many games she may be exposed to that are very similar to "scripting". "Simon Says"? "Red Rover"? Many children's games are based on the [important] skills of listening, memorization, and following directions exactly.

The "teachable moment" here is not "how would you feel if I", the teachable moment is: "Why is it important for Mommy to listen to you? Why is it important for Mommy to follow your directions exactly?" Anything she says in response - well, you can throw that right back at her when she won't pick up her toys!! ("Remember when we discussed the importance of listening and doing exactly what a person is asked to do?")

On that point, I do NOT think it is appropriate for you to pout and walk away because she is being "bossy". If you make a mistake, own up to it - "You're right, I did not say what you asked me to say." (That's the "being honest" and "nobody's perfect" lesson.)

She should feel comfortable asserting herself and building her leadership skills.

And, she should learn how to "share" the position of authority, to trade off - sometimes Mommy can be "Simon" too! Why not turn it around and have her memorize some lines that you say. Then it really will be a "fair game".

This is a limited phase and she won't do it much longer. Yes, she does want you to do what she wants, when she wants, but it's not all day and night, though it seems exhausting in that moment. Frankly I'd avoid telling her she needs to stop because you think she is being bossy; that word is a hot button word to a lot of young kids and she might start to associate this activity -- which I think is a very positive one -- with either feeling defensive ("I'm not bossy! Don't call me a name like that!") or feeling she's made mommy mad or sad ("Mommy thinks I'm bossy, I made her sad, I'm sad.")

How about just distracting her instead, or saying firmly but cheerfully, "Two more lines!" then "One more line, last one!" then "All done!" and then doing just that and getting up to say, "Oh, it's time to do X now!" and moving her along (even if she protests)?

What she is doing shows she's smart. It demonstrates that she is very attentive to language and very clever with it too; she is learning about words and how they work. Of course I would move her on to the next thing when the time comes, but I would also want to take care that I didn't discourage her from doing this. Just distract, move on, get up, occupy yourself and her, after giving her a good run of this activity. Do you ever try to have her be the one to repeat things back? Maybe read kids' poems to her and see if she can repeat the lines? She might enjoy that.

Is your concern here more that she is doing this activity a lot? That she does it only with you? Or that it's annoying and tiring? It's going to end soon enough, truly, so don't rush her out of it. For my own kid when she was young and did this a bit, she didn't persist as much as yours, but I usually could distract her by reading to her as she would stop almost anything for reading. If your child is into words, try kids' audio books to build her listening skills and distract her -- it can really grip a child to hear a voice other than mom or dad's reading something.

The fact she does this with you and not others indicates that she is very comfortable doing it with you. I think that's a good thing.