Teenagers Having Trouble in High School

Dear K.,
I too have a teenager in HighSchool (16 & a freshman also)Is she going to school with the same kids from Jr. High ?, Is she having trouble with the classes or other students ? Is she involved in any school activities ? either during or after school ? art, drama, singing, etc. Is your daughter acting the same or different since school started, you can talk to the school counseler, to see if any of her teachers have noticed any thing different about your daughter.
good luck, K.

Hi K.!
It's hard to watch our children struggle in school. I've been there years ago with one of my own four children, and I deal with it with the teens I work with. I'm a leading expert on teen girls (and their moms!)

The first step is to let your daughter know you are there for her, no matter what. This does not mean you condone or or agree with any negative behavior, but rather you are her ally in her struggles to turn her academic life around.

Second step is to find the real cause of her academic "decay." What does she need that she might not be getting in her life at the moment? Is school boring? Is she afraid to go to High School? Are drugs involved? Discovering what's true for her is vital to understanding how to help her turn things around.

The worst thing you can do is nag her, or bribe her to do better. Neither truly works on the root cause of the problem.

Learning to use "transformational listening" skills will help. In a nutshell, learn to allow her to speak her truth without making her wrong, interrupting, putting her down, telling her she shouldn't feel the way she does, or giving unasked for advice. Rather learn to hold her truth with respect, and ask geat questions out of curiosity, not spite, to help her find more of HER own truth as she answers. This is time to learn how to create a close bond, as the high school years are challenging for our teen girls.

I wish you both the best!
Dr. Jenn

My daughter is 15 and is ok in school, but I have a 12(almost 13)son who is at the same point as your daughter. My son hates school, as he says. I also need advice. I have finally gotten him to do his homework...to a point. He is still on the edge. I could use advice also..

Hi K.,

I think that you need to sit her down and find out why she does not like school (is anyone picking on her or is she not being challenged by school). I have a fourteen year old daughter as well and she loves school, she gets involved and participates in sports. I just think that you need to get to what is going on in school, maybe go and talk to her teachers and counseling staff.

I hope that this help out in some way.

I am not a mother of a teenage girl - but I wanted to give you a quick bit of info (from my own teenage experience). First I wanted to say - if your child is intelligent and is socially mature - there may still be a reason she is not doing well in school. As a freshman in HS I was so bored. I was also annoyed at the thought that I would complete 4 years of core classes only to go off to college and spend two more years doing precisely the same thing. I told my parents my first week of HS that I would not waste four years of my life there. They (obviously) said that I was out of my mind and told me in no uncertain terms that I would in fact be there to graduation! Well I did C work and anyone looking in from the outside would have assumed I needed tutoring or something - however I was really just not interested. I happened to be in gifted classes when I was younger, my IQ was very high and the school knew this from my records. My guidance counselor told my mom at my sophomore meeting that even though she had never recommended it in the past she believed it would be in my best interest to test out of school. I did just that (rather than the GED - which can carry some stigma I opted for the California High School Proficiency Exam - known as the CHSPE)and passed. Now the only requirement my parents had - one with which I readily agreed - was that if I tested out I had to go to school (Junior College, trade school etc) until I would have graduated from High School. As a result I received my AA in social and behavioral science BEFORE I would have gotten my HS diploma - and I had a 3.6 GPA to boot. So many people were critical of my parents and I had teachers who told me I was throwing my life away - but conventional wisdom is not always best for each individual child.
All that to say - whether there is something you can do within her current educational environment or you need to look at other less traditional avenues - you have options! I also would recommend that you look into charter schools. She can work at her own pace and learn in her own style - this is a huge benefit to kids who aren't so traditional in their learning styles. Often those kids are forced into a traditional education environment in regular schools learn to hate school and believe they are not intelligent when that is so clearly untrue. One last thing that goes without saying - is to ask her why she is not meeting standards. Is she having trouble with interpersonal relationships or difficulty mastering concepts? Let her tell you what she needs. At 14 she is a few short years away from independence and allowing her some freedom now to make her own decisions while you still have influence will go miles towards helping her to become a responsible adult! Hang in there & good luck!

HI
The fact that she is not interested at all is irrelevant...
I have raised two Girls now 17 (18 inMay) and one who is 20
I remarried when they where little and divorced their Step Dad after 6 years..sooo they did not have it easy BUT they where both 3.5-4.0 gr average... Failing High school is NOT AN OPTION! you have to stay on them harshly when it comes to this ..Children have one reposibility in life and it is school. I gave my girls pretty much anything they wanted because they demonstrated responsibility with their grades.
You have to strip her of the computer any outside activities.. ALSO be moreinvolved with her school I.E. talk to the teachers Most tof them have a Homework schedule for weeks in advance Know it learn and hold her accountable..She'll fight for a little while ..but will eventually give up if you don't. you cannot be passive on this.. she will respect you for it in the end..It is not going to be easy soooo make a committment to yourself and then HOLDTO IT..Even if you work FT ..this is also your responsibility to to see that she does well in school... SHe will follow your lead you just have to do it. AND your husband BTW needs to join forces with you... Let me know how you come along..
Good Luck!
M.

Hi K.,
I am a therapist on the Westside and work specifically with teens and their parents. I work at a outpatient center for teens and their families and have a separate private practice.

There may be several reasons for the troubles your daughter is experiencing. Has she ever had trouble in school before? Been tested for learning disabilities? How is her mood? Her Friends? There are many pieces to the puzzle.

If you have any questions or still are concerned with her, please give me a call. ###-###-#### ext 113.

Best,
M.

Hi K., I hope you and your daughter have had a nice summer. I hope that your daughter may have found something to inspire her and that school will serve as a means to an end. Sometimes volunteering is a great way to find a field of interest. However, for help with homework and test prep, I would like to recommend online tutoring. It's a great confidence booster for students 4th through 12th grades who can get tutoring help as it is needed from their own home! She can try a free 25 minute tutoring session to see how helpful it can be! Best of luck to you and your family! :o)
visit: www.tutor.com Use FREE code: MGVIP50F

Try independent studies.she gets to do school work when she wants and it gives her a little more freedom,just make sure she isn't getting into any other trouble,or it could be something more then that,trouble with friends,self esteem issues,look into that maybe find someone for her to talk to.Don't give up on her though,and push her to stay in school,my parents didn't care about my schooling and when I told my mom I dropped out her response was well I was expecting it from you.Let's just say that's not the best approach.lol

Hello K.,
My 14 year old is now nearly 24, but we went through some stuff. Kids are all different and sometimes you just don't click well with those who surround you. It could be a number of things. I think between you and your husband, you will just have to keep probing until you find out what she dislikes about school and what she expects of it. Mine got over her fuss about school and finished, but at that time, I could ask her if she went to school and she would just lie right to my face without a problem. I could tell she was lying, but she didn't care. My husband (her stepdad) would walk in and ask her what was going on and she would spill every ounce! She would tell him everything. He would/could then talk to her like she was daddy's girl that needed to go to school and if she didn't go she would be in big trouble and she would just say okay. It was sick, but it worked. You will just have to search for that something that works for her. Unfortunately, at that age, they often don't know what they want themselves. They are so confused. Is it possibly hormone related?

Try to stay positive with her.

C.

hello K..

I am a mother of 4. Three of my children are teenagers, two in high school and one in going to high school in september.

One of my girls did well in high school for 1-1/2 years then she got to social but luckly she is on the right path now.

Has your daughter tried getting involved with a school club? Like band , or drama, a sport? This might help her become more interested in school.

How much of a influence do her friends have on her? Sometimes peersd have a lot to do with the choices our children make.

I have been through it all with my children and have lots of ideas feel free to contact me at any time. I am a great listener. Good Luck and don't give up on her! C. T

If she is seriously having trouble I would suggest an alternative school. I went to Walnutwood High School and finished ahead of my class. Which felt pretty good because I graduated but was still able to do things with my family. Please just keep encouraging her that she can achieve the goal. Hope this helps. D.

I also have a 14 year old daughter. She is a freshman with freshmanitis. Loves going to school for the socializing and fun but when it comes to homework thats another story. We gave her until semester grades to get her act together, that didn't happen so my husband, myself and my daughter met with all her teachers. All her teachers said she was a good student and participates in class but doesnt do her homework. Our solution was to take away the distractions (the fun stuff). No more myspace, no Ipod, no cell phone & no make up. When the next semester grades come out and if there is improvement she will get her things back. I know it's tough but you have to try different things. Not everything works for everyone. Hope things get better!

E. C

Hi K.,

You have to do something SOON... I think I need some more information to help you though. Is she into anything (sports, arts, music, friends, shopping)? Does she have friends? There are a lot of things that could be going on - you need to get to the bottom of that first - perhaps she has low self esteem, is feeling overwhelmed - is bored with her classes - getting too much peer pressure - - but something is definately going on and that should be the first priority to find out what.

Two of my daughters friends have been going through his since freshmen year and both just got kicked out in their junior years - so you want to work on this now - not wait - there is still time and programs to help her get caught up.

If you tell me a little more I think I can give you some tips to help you a bit if I can... I am a teachers assistant and mother of 4.

A Month ago I was right there with ya K.. My only child is 14 going on 35 if she had it her way... I was at my breaking point at trying to get interested but was failing fast. The last thing before continuation school or worse juvinile detention center was Home Studies program where they work at there own pace and only have to go to school for one hour a week to test on past weeks assignments and retrieve new ones.
So far she has really done well, gotten A's on all test and completed all assignments.

I have three daughters and one is 14. Ive been homeschooling for the last 8 years and we really enjoy it. There are so many options for her you would be surprised. What city do you live in? If your interested in this you can google homeschooling. They also have independent study through the Orange County Public School called Pacific Coast High School. They offer classes that they can go to a few days a week at will.You can talk with me if you have any more questions. My email is ____@____.com . A.

Dear K.,

Has she been tested for learning problems? A LOT of kids get through to High School without being tested, then the social pressures and differences in the type of school bear down on children and they just stop trying. Remember, being embarrassed is the next worse thing to dying, especially to a teen. So it would be a thing that they would avoid - homework, asking questions about the assignments, etc. Get that testing done right away, even if you have to pay for it. If you go to the school, they may put her on a looooong waiting list, and each day that you don't try to find out the problem, things could get worse. Check her hearing and sight too as long as you are trying to find the problem.

Let her know that you and Dad are on her side, and don't do a lot of fussing and blaming, just get busy and do something about it. If she hasn't had a physical exam in a while, then do that too. Just get busy.

If you spend some quiet friendly time with her not putting on pressure, and not blaming, then she will likely begin to realize that you are not going to put her down, and she will open up and talk with you. Just talk to her like you would to your dearest friends. She is a dear friend and you adore her and she needs to know that now.

Quietly go to her teachers to see if you can get some clues about why this is happening. Be a dectective, and it will pay off.

Good Luck, C. N.

Hi K.,

I alos have a 14 year old that is ready to fail the 9th grade. This has been a rough year for her and I am at my wits end. I think maybe we should talk and can bounce ideas off of each other. My daughter has no interest in school, or school activities and it is a constant battle to get homework done, then once she finally does it, she will not turn it in.

My E-mail address is ____@____.com
If you would like to drop me a message I would be happy to talk with you and tell you what things I have started to try and get her some help...and Me

Barb