Time Our Troubles

I too believe in spanking when all else has failed. It is usually something that we buid up to. If my son refuses to "back down" with other methods...time out, taking away toys, etc. then it is time for a spanking.

A friend of mine gives her strong-willed child a cold shower when he acts this way (clothes and all). I have not tried it but she says it has definetly stopped some of his extreme behaviors.

When I worked at a preschool, we would isolate habitual biters in a playpen where they could still see the other children getting to play and we could keep an eye on him or her. It worked really well.

When my 2 1/2 YO son started biting, or when we noticed he was biting we related it to him watching us let our little girl gnaw on our fingers while we were playing with her. He bit her once and drew blood. He got a spanking and time out for it. A week or so later when he bit my hubby...don't laugh now and don't think we are mean...my hubby bit him back hard! He did not draw blood but hard enough to let him know how bad it hurt. It has now been 2 months since he has bitten or tried to bite anyone.

I say to try that approach. Next time she bites you, bite her back and tell her and show her that is not nice and it hurts. Both our parents told my hubby and I that is what they did when we were little and it worked then and it worked for us.

Good Luck!

I guess my advice is simple. Find out what you toddler cares about. If she doesn't mind sitting in a chair or even puts herself in time out, that's not the most effective way to do it. Time out itself might not be the problem. Is she still getting attention in time out, possibly more? Try gating the hallway so that time out is an isolated event where she cannot get to toys or get attention from you. We put our son in his pack n play because he can't get out and play with his toys. We set the timer, he cries usually for the whole time (one min. per each year they are alive), and when we get him out now he says "sorry." It's not a permanent solution to the problem since he'll be able to climb out soon. (Plus I don't want to put my 5 year old in a pack n play!) So I think it's about finding what bothers your child. I don't think biting back, slapping their hand, or spanking are too effective with a strong willed child, they will think it's fun and do it to you, well, you did it to them!

Hi E.,
I put my very hard-headed 16 month old daughter in time out also, for various reasons...Mainly biting, pinching or hitting her 4 1/2 y.o. brother. The best advice I have is to put her in a room where she CAN'T SEE YOU and is confined. I use a playpen in our master bedroom. I can put her there and she can't get out and shut the door. She gets 1-2 minutes in there and will calm down. After that time, I go get her and things are better. I started doing this when would she bite me while we were nursing, several months back. I have great success with it. You can't reason with this age. I have a hard time reasoning with my 4 1/2 year old sometimes.

This is best for me with getting their attention - which they want most of all!!!

Wish you the best!
C.

Is the time-out fixing the biting problem or is she still biting? You are going to think I am crazy but to stop the biting--bite back. According to my mom I was a biter and the doctor told her to bite me back in the same spot I bit her. Don't bite hard enough to cause any harm but hard enough that she gets the message that it hurts. My mom said after the second try I never bit again. I have a daughter that was a biter. I tried everything. All were short term fixes. I tried my mom's remedy and after about 3-4 times it worked. She then went to biting her twin sister. I had her sister bite her back and after one time the biting stopped. We have had no issues with biting since. I'm not sure how to address the time-out situation. According to the "Nanny" if the child won't stay in time-out put them in an empty room (with no toys, TV, etc). Hope this helps.

What I do (my daughter is 21 months) - remove her from the situation (if she is biting me I just change how i'm holding her), hold her tight with a hug, "Ouch that hurts mommy (brother/daddy) - teeth are for biting food, would you like a snack?"

We do a lot of the "are for" stuff - hands are not for hitting, hands are for hugs/high fives/shaking. feet are for walking, kicking a ball - would you like to go outside and kick a ball? etc.

Changing how you react to her biting may help if she is enjoying the reaction she gets from you, and the time outs have become a game. There is a newsletter that you can get in your email called the daily groove that has some great dicipline tips.

Do not speak or react once you have placed her in her time out.
If she gets up and runs away from the area, place her back without any words or emotions. Keep doing this until she stays there. Yes this can and will go on for quite a while since there is quite a power struggle already established. :(
Staying with her during the time out defeats the purpose and is only a power play to her.
She may pull some really ugly stuff out of her hat so be prepared.
Keep it up, again with all the self control you can muster up and you gain control over this.
I don't really make my son sit on his bottom in his chair when this happens but I do require him to stay in the area.
Hang in there mommy! We are all pulling for you.
C.

E.,

I read all of the responses before adding my two cents... I have a 2 year old daughter who likes to bite her sister. She is very headstrong and willful... if it's fun for her, she will do it regardless of the consequences.
Time out works with her for the most part but we usually play the same game you have with your daughter. The times I am calm and simply take her back to her time out spot without saying a word (over and over again) are the times it works best.
I am not against spankings but I do see how they can backfire on you. My daughter now likes to hit back when she is angry... it doesn't matter how big or small the other person is, she's going to hit you.
I've never tried the Sassy Juice but I certainly will next time. I used soap with my niece when she was about six years old and only had to do it twice. She threw the biggest fits but never again after having her mouth washed out with soap. Yuck!

I do not believe that biting back will accomplish anything. It might work on a child that is conscientious of others but not with a stubborn 2 year old. My husband tried that with our daughter and she thought it was fun!! Then my 4 year old decided to play the game with her sister one morning (not realizing that her sister was not going to hold back) and had her finger severely bitten. Husband's can come up with the neatest games we Moms have to explain the downfalls of later....

Hang in there!

Oti
www.shoppingforyourbaby.com

Look at Love and Logic for some help. Time out is great but you are having to work too hard. Here is what I would do based on L&L:
She bites....
1. "Uh, Oh need a little room time, sooooo sad. Throw a little fit and call me when you are sweet" (sing this so you don't act angerily--you can't be angry and sing)
2. As you sing it, be taking her to her room.
3. Shut the door and let her do whatever she wants in her room (make sure it is a safe environment)
4. Wait til she calms down and then set a timer "ready for timer"
5. Once time out is over, give hugs and kisses...DO NOT mention the biting...she knows why she was put in her room.
6. Tell her when she starts acting like she is going to bite or be aggressive or throw a fit, etc. "I will let you stay with mommy and play when you are nice".

Also, make sure she is able to communicate her needs...eat, drink, night-night, diaper change, all done, etc. We used sign language as well as verbalizing it. This has helped us SO much in resolving meltdowns; as has "Happiest Toddler on the Block" DVD on Amazon.com.

Let me know if you need suggestions.....it is frustrating but you need to find a method that is in line with your values and that does not run you exhausted.

E.,
Wow. so many responses on this one. I too have a stubborn little girl. she is now almost two. We started with the "naughty pillow" when she was about 13 months old. At first it was major screaming fits when we put her there but she never really turned it into a game. My suggestions are as follows: I think spanking will get you no-where but a more hostile child. I think the process should go like this. Whatever she is doing wrong, you warn her first- down on her level- say her name and tell her this is your warning, you do not (whatever she is doing wrong) and if you do, you are going to time out. Those are your choices. If she turns around and does the same thing again, immediately put her in time out. WITHOUT saying anything else other then, NAME of child, ok, you didn't listen to mommy, you are going to time out. That is it for the talking. Put her there and walk away. Make sure the time out place is away from you and away from TV and toys. If she gets up, say NOTHING, pick her up and put her back and walk away. By talking to her, you are appeasing her and all she hears is blah, blah anyway, but she knows you are speaking to her which in her mind means the punishment isn't serious. it's the NOT talking that makes it worse. Once the time is up, you make HER come to YOU. This is very important. She must get up and walk to you. You ask her to say "sorry" then you give a hug and tell her not to do it again. We have been doing this and it worked. My new Nanny however tries more reasoning with my little one then going straight to the Naughty pillow. She diverts and gives choices with consequences. Pulling the object away and punishing the object is effective because you have just removed what the child wants and now she can't have it. That was her consequence to the choice she just made. If you are always talking to her in terms of choices that SHE makes, she will understand that there are consequences to those choices. Be consistent every time with this. Hope this helps. it has totally worked for us and the naughty pillow is barely used but we threaten to go there depending on the choice she makes. it works!!
M. K.

This has already been mentioned once, but I really want to emphasize that you should NOT "get on her level tell her why she is in time out"--doing so is giving her the attention she wants. When she bites, tell her "no biting" (short words and phrases are MUCH easier for a 16 mo old to understand than long explanations) and put her in time out.

Proceed as the other mom suggested, and I'd recommend while you keep putting her back in time out, try to not even give her eye contact and make sure to keep the tone in your voice as flat and emotionless as possible. This way, you are not playing the game she thinks is so fun. It will take some time, but she'll get it.

If you don't have the patience for that, modify the way you do time outs. As soon as she bites, tell her "no biting" and turn her around on the floor in front of you until the time out is complete. If she's turned around and you aren't giving her eye contact when she tries to look at you (which she will) the game is over before it's begun. When the time out is done (one minute/ year of age is what is usually recommended) THEN give her lots of attention.

Stop speaking to her after the first time you put her in time out. She is getting a reaction and attention from you which is exactly what she wants. After you put her in time out and walk away, if she leaves the time out place, just calmly put her back there without saying a word. Do it over and over until she complies. Be prepared to be exhausted the first few times, but eventually she will get that she has to stay there and that you are not going to budge or give her the reaction/attention that she desires.

Make sure you are not putting her in time out for more than 1-2 minutes at this age (that she sits or stays in the appropriate place for 1-2 minutes, don't include time that you are having to place her back there). Also reward her with lots of hugs and attention AFTER she has complied with time out. At this age though, you may have to consider putting her into a pack-n-play or a gated area where she would be safe and use that as time out, especially if you don't see improvement in her staying in time out on her own after several times of you putting her back over and over.

I know with my oldest ds that I would have become far too frustrated trying to make him stay voluntarily in one place at that age, but that is just his personality. My youngest would do it with no problem. We used the crib (and later, their rooms) for time outs with my kids. I know some people say not to do that, but it has worked fine for us.

I have been told by many teachers that time out does not work until kids are around 3. We have tried time out with our 2 1/2 year old and it works sometimes. With one that young I would suggest saying 'no' firmly, taking her away from whomever she is biting and giving her something appropriate to chew on. She is probably teething and it feels good to bite. I know this sounds like training a puppy, but it is very similar :). Hope this helps.

I agree with another mom--bite back. My dd was a biter and it only took me a couple of times of biting her back for her to stop biting.

Sassy Juice! My hairstylist told me about this and when I was telling some friends at scrap booking, three other people had not only heard about it, but use it! I am a HUGE believer in it.

Sassy Juice is simply white vinegar. Completely harmless, but bitter tasting, white vinegar. I was told to put some in a little spray bottle and when we had an issue that involved the mouth (biting, sticking out tongue, bad language, sassy talk, etc...) then spray the vinegar in the mouth. Now, good luck getting anybody to open their mouth! So, all I do, is stick my finger in the vinegar and put it in their mouth. You can simply touch their lips or get it in as far as their gums but I will tell you it is TOTALLY effective!

My hairstylist was telling me how her 4 year old son was using the F word after hearing dad yell it at the TV sports game. She could not get him to stop saying it. Somebody told her about Sassy Juice, she used it once, and he has NEVER said it again.

My 4 year old son lied about something and we explained the issues with lying, trust, etc. and told him if he ever did it again that we would put something yucky in his mouth for saying yucky things (lying). Let me tell you, we did the vinegar just once and he has never lied again.

My 3 year old daughter started sticking her tongue out at people. We did the warning, explained why this was not appropriate and that she would get something yucky in her mouth if she ever stuck her tongue out at somebody again. She did it a few days later, she got the vinegar rubbed on her gums, and she has NEVER done it again.

I am a huge believer in it!! I can not believe how well it works. It is perfectly harmless. It simply tastes bad. Just one finger dipped in the vinegar and put in their mouth and you have just solved your problem! I suggest not over using it so they get used to the flavor. I have only used it for verbal or mouth related issues. And only used it once!

It is the perfect solution for biting because it is mouth related. :)

Good luck!

E.,

When our son went through the biting stage we learned very quicky to keep a close eye on him. He would act like he was going to give kisses or mayben "blow bubbles" on your leg and then bite at the last second. We found that by reminding him "No biting" before he had a chance to do it helped a lot. As far as the time out; many of the suggestions have been to keep a calm flat tone when speaking to them while putting back in time out, this doesn't work for us. If I use a flat tone my son thinks I'm sad and will start asking if I'm OK, that makes it very hard to discipline him when he's so concerned about me! What I have to do is completly change my tone of voice to one that is deeper and what I think makes me sound somewhat like a bear! When I first started doing it I would say, "Sit Down" and put him back; he was so upset that I had "mean mommie" voice that he wouldn't get up again. Now I just have to say his name when he starts to get up and he quickly changes his mind and stays seated. The change of voice for us is a signal that I'm not playing and I mean business. So far it's still working. Good Luck!

I would scrap the time-out thing if it isn't working. You're right. If you are spending time with her in time-out and she thinks it is a game then it isn't going to be effective. I would talk to her and try the "overexaggerate hurt" thing. If she bites then say, "OUW...that really hurt mommy" -that type of thing. Also, if she bites someone....make her help with the "boo boo". If she were older or depending on her maturity I would recommend telling her to say "I'm sorry". It'll take patience...but it will work better than the time-outs and it will teach her empathy for others without getting the attention all from doing something "bad". Focus more attention on the person that is getting the bite. Also, this is usually a short stage, so don't become too frustrated. With just a little work -she will grow past this stage soon.

Hi E.,
Our 18m was a biter and he was drawing blood! We held his hands firmly and said "no bittig", everytime he did it. This only lasted a month or so. We really didn't use time out till around 24m old. On the spanking issue, we did hand spanking for serious issues and time out for 2 minutes when necessary. I'm old school too and believe spanking is applicable at times. We both believe that doing it now at a young age will teach the kids WE are the parents and they are the child.