To Go to He Wedding or Not!

Updated on September 20, 2013
T. asks from Omaha, NE
35 answers

Ok, so one of my close friends daughter is getting married in Oct. We have been friends all through high school. The problem lies in the fact that we have our family (cousins and all) Halloween camping weekend that same weekend. It is a super fun weekend with pumpkin rolling contest, trick-or-treating from camp site to camp site (we also decorate ours for the contest which takes at least a month to put everything together, with the help from all the family members), and many other activities that are set up around the camp grounds. I'd really much rather go camping, being if I go to the wedding I'd be sitting by myself, as she will be at the head table and my husband and 4 kids are going camping....I don' want the kids to miss out on it, they look forward to it every year and my 2 year old has been asking about when she gets to go camping again! :) So, I can go, just on my own and miss the weekend of camping. I want to ask Jenny if it is ok that I don't make it, being she will be so busy with family that are there from out of town but on the other hand I think that this is her only daughters wedding as she only has one child and it would be shitty of me not to go! Would I be wrong to say I'm not going, because I don't think she will miss me not being there anyway? Can't do both as the wedding is 4 hours away from where the wedding is. I really want to go camping as it is he last trip for the year...however....don't want to be a shitty friend either!

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C.J.

answers from Dallas on

I would do both. I would go to the wedding, go through the receiving line, grab a bite, then hop in my car and drive to enjoy the remainder of the camping trip.
That is me. A fear of missing out. I don't mind the drive if it accomplishes and eases my guilty feelings. I would do this, but you will need to decide how you feel about it all.
good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

K.I.

answers from New York on

If it were me, I'd go see the bride to be & my friend ahead of time, wielding an extra special gift & a huge heartfelt apology that I couldn't make it.

3 moms found this helpful
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C.O.

answers from Minneapolis on

Just tell her you are sorry but you are unable to make it to her wedding since you had already had this camping trip planned before you knew when her wedding would take place. See if you can get together for lunch before or after the wedding and send her a nice gift.

3 moms found this helpful

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❤.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

I think with everything you've written, I would go camping.
Here's why:
-It's your friend's daughter not your friend getting married. Are you that close to her daughter? Your friend will be very busy w/the wedding itself, family in town etc.
-As we age, things change w/our friends & our immediate family take precedence.
-You are creating memories for your kids continuing w/the camping trip
-I wouldn't want to send my 2 yr old w/o me.
See? I could go on and on. I really think you should go camping as it doesn't sound like you have an ultra close relationship w/the daughter. It's with the mom.

When you advise her you are unable to attend, just say you will be out of town that very same weekend. Send a gift & card. Then try to meet up w/your friend in a few weeks to have lunch, have her tell you about the day & show you pictures.

Don't feel bad. Life changes as we age with kids and responsibilities of our own.

6 moms found this helpful

V.K.

answers from Minneapolis on

Hubby and I got married in July of 2012... So somewhat recently. There were several people who couldn't make it due to plans that they had already made. We didn't think any less of them because they couldn't make it. We understood!

I think that if you just explain to your friend the situation, she will understand.

5 moms found this helpful
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A.M.

answers from Dallas on

I would just tell her right away that your whole family has a trip that weekend and you absolutely can not go. However, the mom of the bride usually enjoys showing off her dress, enjoying some attention, talking about the wedding etc so I would try and make it up to her by scheduling a date before the wedding to go get your nails done together, help her find shoes or accessories for her dress, have lunch etc so that you two can enjoy the wedding experience a little together since you are so close. I would also follow up after and go watch hours of wedding videos, photos etc! Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

If the camping is something you've always done at the same time every year, then you have a prior engagement and you can't make the wedding.
Send your regrets and a nice present.

4 moms found this helpful
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K.M.

answers from Kansas City on

Are you close to the bride? Do you know her well? If she's like a second daughter, then you should go to the wedding. If you were on her "parents' guest list", then the bride won't miss you. Send a nice gift and call your friend after the wedding to get a play-by-play and details!

4 moms found this helpful
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H.W.

answers from Portland on

"I'm so sorry, we've already committed to another engagement for that day. Please be sure to let me know where your daughter and her fiance are registered...."

I've had to miss a wedding (extended family on one side) because of a camping trip I'd coordinated with immediate family on the other side. Sometimes, these things just happened. Let your friend know that you will be thinking of the happy couple and toasting them that day, and be sure to send a card and gift through your friend, so she knows you did so.

FWIW, I wouldn't ask if 'its okay' if you really don't want to go due to time conflicts, etc. Just apologize profusely and be sure to give her a call or two-- sometimes the support is needed in the weeks before the wedding.:)

4 moms found this helpful
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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

How would you feel if the circumstances were reversed, and it was your only daughter getting married? However you would want her to handle it - that's how you should handle it imho.

Personally I would understand your situation if I were her. You still have very young kids at home, and you have a big family event already scheduled. And as you point out she will be very busy with the wedding events, guests, details, etc.

If it were me I'd send her daughter/new husband an extra-large gift, and make a date with my friend to go to lunch or dinner and look at all the beautiful wedding pictures.

Good luck - that type of situation can be tricky!

4 moms found this helpful

D.D.

answers from New York on

Explain that your have family obligations and ask what you can help with before the wedding weekend. If they are putting together favors or making up place cards or doing other dyi stuff your help might make it easier and much more fun.

Send a nice card and gift and have fun camping. When you get home set up a lunch so she can dish on the day's events.

4 moms found this helpful
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C.B.

answers from Chicago on

Go camping... your friend will understand.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.K.

answers from Wausau on

You're friends with the mother, not the bride, so RSVP your regrets and send a super nice gift to appease your misplaced guilt. Have fun camping!

3 moms found this helpful
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K.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

i would find a beautiful gift for the couple-bring it to your friends house-tell her how happy n excited you are for all of them-then tell her exactly what you said here.your right she will be extremly busy n no real time to visit with you..and your family does come first.this is your time to build memories n bonds and have alot of fun.id say its a no brainer myself.im sure she will understand..and you wont be a shitty friend or person for taking care of your priorities..and if she doesnt understand-gets mad-well i guess thats your answer on your friendship-FAMILY COMES FIRST_PLAIN N SIMPLE...

3 moms found this helpful
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K.F.

answers from New York on

Your friend isn't getting married but her daughter. If you are not particularly close to the daughter then I would say don't go. Even though a wedding is a once in a lifetime event and the camping happens every year, you seem like you would really rather go camping.

Send a gift for the bride and groom with your regrets and enjoy your camping trip. If you RSVP early enough perhaps that would free up space for someone to go to the wedding who really wanted to be there.

No hard feelings. No one I know has mastered being in two places at one time and again this isn't your friend's wedding but her daughter's wedding.

3 moms found this helpful
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M.O.

answers from New York on

I personally would go to the wedding and let the rest of the family go camping. I understand you'll miss the camping (and it sounds fun!), but .. this is the kind of thing we do for our friends.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.B.

answers from Boston on

I'd go to the wedding. You go camping every year. God willing, your friend's daughter will only get married once. Once in a lifetime trumps annual.

2 moms found this helpful
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P.R.

answers from Cleveland on

Can you be somewhat honest with her? I assume you already accepted the wedding and then this camping trip came up. If not, definitely say you had the trip planned first and can't make it. But if you already accepted, can you ask her if she'd be really upset and for her to be honest. Say you want to be there for her but given your hsuband will have to handle 4 kids, your 2 year old will need you and this is a big family event for you. Ask if she think she's going to be so busy that she won't really miss you or if she was counting on you to hang out with her a lot. Hopefully she will realize that expecting you to give up a whole weekend so she can chat with you for 10 min isn't fair. Or - maybe she really does need you there. Then hopefully it'll be clarified and you'll feel like attending the wedding isn't a waste. It is her daughter's wedding vs HER wedding so I don't think discussing it with her is out of line. First keep in mind what kind of friend/person she is. Is she a 'it's all about me" type? If so, she might say she needs you there regardless. If you know that's not really true - she has plenty of other people, I might just tell her i can't go. It'd help to know if you'd already rsvp'd yes or hadn't replied yet... I"m assuming with an Oct wedding you had.

2 moms found this helpful
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K.W.

answers from Seattle on

If it were your friend, maybe go. Your friend's daughter, no. Go camping with your family.

2 moms found this helpful
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B.P.

answers from Cleveland on

If you already rsvped you need to go. There will not be another wedding but there will be another camping trip. Yes you'll miss it but your not obligated to go theore. You are obligated at the wedding if you already said you'd be thrte

2 moms found this helpful

B.S.

answers from Lansing on

If it was indeed a really good friend of mine, I'd suck it up and go. Its a big day for her seeing her only daughter get married. I'm thinking she'd need the support. That being said...it would really have to be a close friend and if it was I know I'd know most her family/friends too so I wouldn't be worried about sitting alone.

2 moms found this helpful

J.B.

answers from Houston on

Camping.
Send a _______ (card/gift/flower etc).
Done.

2 moms found this helpful

J.O.

answers from Boise on

A nice gift, your heart felt apology and enjoy your weekend with the kids.

Will that not hurt your friends feelings? Who knows. I know that mine would be, but I also know I get over things pretty quickly, so we'd be able to move on from it.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

Go camping. Your family comes first. Send a nice gift and all will be forgiven.

2 moms found this helpful
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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I guess I don't understand...you've been such good friends but you're not in the wedding? Your kids are not in the wedding? That sounds like you're not close.

If your friendship is a distant one then tell her you already have plans. If you're close friends but don't do stuff together all the time then I think it's okay for hubby and kids to not go but you should.

I also think you could go to the wedding and then join the family.

2 moms found this helpful
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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

You have already made plans. That is the reality. It's not "shitty" of you to not go when you already have something scheduled. I like Diane D's idea of letting her know you have family obligations, and offering to help in some way prior to the date.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.L.

answers from Grand Junction on

I agree with Angela S. Do as you would have done to you.

If it were me- I would go camping and send a decent sized gift.

2 moms found this helpful
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M.F.

answers from Houston on

If you already RSVP yes then I would go. If not I would go camping. Are you even close to the daughter? Send a nice gift and go have a good time with your family.

2 moms found this helpful
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H.L.

answers from Houston on

You don't get to decide how she will feel about your absence, so stop it. Either you decline and wish her well (later telling her, if she asks, that your family had already planned to be out of town) or you go. I don't get why sitting alone is an issue, but if it is, then drag a girlfriend along or find a buddy there. Your focus for this event should be on the bride and groom, so it shouldn't matter to you if you're the only other person in the room or if you're one of a million guests. Who sits next to you doesn't factor into that at all.

2 moms found this helpful
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M.S.

answers from Oklahoma City on

I would go to the wedding. You are childhood friends. There will be more opportunities for camping but only one (hopefully) chance to be with your friend on such a big day. The older I get the more I treasure my friendships. I have a handful of close friends and they mean so much to me.

1 mom found this helpful
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K.C.

answers from San Francisco on

Skip the wedding. You have a family weekend already planned. Can you fly out there for a shower instead? Chances are the bride won't really care at all if you're not there - not to say she doesn't care about you, but just because you are her mom's friend and not hers.

1 mom found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Santa Barbara on

Sounds like you have a family commitment that happens to be on the same weekend of the wedding. It is important for you to be with your family.

I guess turn it around. When one of your kids gets married and her daughter has a fun party the same weekend would you expect this friend to not go to the fun party with her close family to go to your child's wedding?

1 mom found this helpful
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M.H.

answers from Chicago on

Camping!

There will be enough people at the weeding & pictures..

1 mom found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

Send an RSVP with a note attached saying your sorry you can't make it and send the gift you would have given the daughter of your very good friend.

1 mom found this helpful
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C.M.

answers from Chicago on

Since you are friends with the mom and not the daughter, I would go camping and send a nice gift. Will you be invited to any showers? If so, that's a good time to spend time with the mother of the bride and congratulate the daughter.

Everyone will be busy at the wedding, and I'm sure it wouldn't be much fun without your hubby there.

Enjoy camping with your family. Yes, there is only one wedding (hopefully!) but then again your kids will only be their ages once!

1 mom found this helpful
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