What Do I Do? I Feel like My Sweet Little Girl Is Turning into a "Monster"

I second the advise for the 1-2-3 magic book. I had LOTS of issues with my then 2 year old. The book is awesome and she really responds to it. I yell half as much (I shouldn't have to yell at all, but that's my issue!) and she knows what her consequences are w/o me having to threaten all the time. It helps her take ownership and responsibility over her own negative behavior.

Good luck!

No need to feel guilty.
Children don't come with instruction manuals.
Get the book 1-2-3 Magic-Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
by Thomas Phelan.
Discipline can be challenging especially when we want to do it differently than our parents did.
When it gets rough & I feel like I don't have the energy to stay the course I remember my MIL's saying~
Better they cry now than you cry later!

My daughter just turned 3 recently (she has a younger sister also) and we had some issues with behavior just before and afterwards. We were potty training too, so that didn't help. It will just take some time for her to figure out that you won't give in. Consistently and repeatedly tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it (the discipline methods already mentioned in previous posts work very well). Give her some control over her life (one friend separated out the weeks clothes into different bags, her daughter could choose 1 bag each day). I started having my daughter help me cook dinner (if she behaves). It's something we can do together, just the two of us and I bill it as something "big girls" get to do. My daughter has great verbal skills, so sitting down and discussing things goes a long way to help her behavior. Sometimes I just have to remind her of what we talked about. Hang in there, you guys will get through it (I thought it would never end, but now that I look back, it lasted only about 2 months).

You have not failed her. Don't be so h*** o* yourself. Maybe if, for a short time, you start taking care of her every need (as you do with the baby). Dress her, put her shoes on her, etc.. Then slowly give her back control of these things. Maybe by doing these things for her she will calm down a bit and it will be easier for you to be more positive with her giving her that satisfaction of pleasing you. Once they calm down a bit it is easier to teach manners and about other people feelings. Be patient. She is a normal 2yr old with a new baby.

You are wise to focus on those things you appreciate about your daughter: her free, independent spirit, etc. You are also so smart to focus on the big picture of what you want for your daughter: strength, independence, happiness, kindness. Stay focused on these things and on your intentions for what you want daily life to look like at your house as you weigh the advice you receive and the various discipline philosophies/methods. I think you'll find the conventional advice to "win" battles, establish who's "boss" just won't match up.

Some believe peace is a prize that has to be "won" as they "battle" for power over their children. I believe real, lasting peace is a choice you make in every moment, in every interaction you have with your children, not something that can be won by force.

In our home, it is not my intention to be boss or dictator. It is my intention to live in joy, peace, connection and harmony with my husband and children. I tried it the other way with punishments, forced obedience, even spanking I'm ashamed to say. Believe me, happiness and kindness were not the result. Now I create an orderly home where people are respected and I trust shoes will be put away- mine, theirs, my husband's- sometimes by me, sometimes by them, as we all navigate our various preferences and priorities. Without power struggles and forced compliance, my children are happy and kind toward me and one another, they listen to me, and see me as a loving guide and partner. They make choices that are considerate and internally-motivated, not from fear of punishment.

I'll also add you really need to think about why you are asking her to do things. Most parents think they need to "teach/train" their children how to follow directions by asking them to do lots of things. Don't set up these potential power struggles. Nobody likes being bossed around and/or tested. Just model helpfulness and she will follow your lead.

If you're interested in learning more about peaceful parenting you can read "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn, "Living Joyfully with Children" by Win & Bill Sweet and/or "The Natural Child" by Jan Hunt.

We went through something very similiar with our daughter. We really began noticing changes in her when she was 15 months old but the very defiant behavior, talking back, screaming, hitting, etc. really started around 2.5-3 yrs of age. We made the mistake of not getting her into counceling sooner but we did eventually do it when she was 5. She ended up being diagnosed with a mood disorder, tentatively bi-polar I.

I don't want to scare you, but it's very possible your daughter could also be suffering from a mood disorder or it could be something behavioral rather than organic or chemical. Before my daughter was diagnosed, our psychologist tried several behavior modification methods -- these are just specific parenting techniques, nothing physical. Unfortunately those didn't work for us but we were told they work for most children.

After our daughter was put on meds, her behavior improved significantly but we didn't actually "get our daughter back" until we put her on the Feingold diet which eliminates all artificial preservatives, flavorings, and colrs. I've become very passionate about this diet because I've witnessed it doing amazing things -- under our psychiatrists orders we're getting ready to reduce our daughter's meds and hopefully at some point see if we can get her off them all together.

I'd recommend looking into the Feingold diet and checkin out the information on the site (http://feingold.org) -- it really could be that easy. Also consult with a child psychologist. I regret taking so long to do so because I kept telling myself this was a normal phase she was going through.

Now, as others have mentioned, yes, this could certainly be a phase, but it also may not and that's all I really want to point out. We read sooooo many parenting and disipline books and applied the techniques to a "T". Of course, having read those books helps now that she's functionig normally -- but back then it did nothing! Children need to understand consequences, but they also have to be functioning "normally" to benefit from that.

Good luck. And please feel free to PM me if you think you may be deling with something more than a phase as I understand what you're going through.

Jen

It sounds like you're going through a tough time right now! Based on my experiences, I would say your daughter is just going through a phase, testing her boundaries. It's possible it's because of the baby, but I think it's more because of her age. When my first son (the 9 year old) turned 3, it was like a light switch. He threw a major temper tantrum on his birthday and it was a nightmare for the next 6 months. I was consistent with the rules and it got better. My current 2 1/2 year old (will be 3 in december) goes through periods that usually last about a week where he just won't listen. He gets time outs regularly and when he's really mad he throws a major temper tantrum. I ride it out and he gets better. I am a little terrified of when he does turn three, but I know I've been through it before and it will get better. I suggest time outs for not listening, and that you no longer give her yes or no options. "Do you want to put your shoes away before or after you hang up your coat?" I have no advice about dinner, though. All three of my kids start out eating whatever I make and as they get older, the list of things they eat gets smaller! Good luck to you, and remember it's not your fault that your daughter acts up, she's just growing up!

How old is she? I have a 6 year old who is in kindergarten and this behavior sounds typical of one. It is a hard age or it has been for me at least. And yes, having the baby adds to it. Now that the baby is starting to move around and have a personality and able to interact with people a lot more she is reacting to it. Trust me you are not doing anything wrong, you are raising an independent strong woman and she has to learn how to use that independce and strength and it is your job to teach her. It is very hard because you will have to over and over again ask and say the same exact stuff and you will have to be firm and very consistent. Right now she is realizing more than ever that she is very separate from you. She is testing the waters, seeing if you'll be there when she comes back to you, if she messes up are you still going to be there. If she thinks for herself will you still be there. There is a lot going on in her head right now. Continue to encourage the independce and strength when appropiate and make sure she knows the boundaries you have for her. All the qualities she has now are perfect for an adult but not for a little kid that is your responsibility, I know I have 4 very strong and independent souls.

I think the key is that actions have consequences that are logical, and you need to use positive reinforcement. For example if my son doesn't stop banging his fork I count "that's 1". He does it again, that's 2. A third time and the fork gets taken away. If you say you're going to do something (like, "if you don't stop doing XX we won't go to the park") then you NEED to follow through with your threat. Give her a 1-2-3 and then don't go to the park.

We use rewards for my son when he's good. This can be something simple like a big hug, an M&M, making popcorn for a snack, staying an extra 5 minutes at the park, etc. So if you want your girl to hang up her coat and put away her shoes when she comes inside you might consider starting a sticker chart or similar - when she does it 10 times without being asked she can earn something she wants.

With the choosing clothes thing - I think you're right to give her just a couple choices. I usually let my son choose between 2 or 3 shirts and that's it. If he doesn't want to choose then I choose for him.

All children will test their parents at some point, so she's normal. The problem is she sees you as weak and has assumed the role of boss. When you ask her to do something and she says no, get right at her level, look her straight in the eye and tell her that you are the mommy and she will do what you ask her to do. Then physically take her little hands, make her pick up her shoes, and walk her forcibly but gently to the closet to put them away. If she kicks, screams or hollers, then put her in time-out and tell her that temper tantrums are not allowed. If she continues or gets worse (which sometimes happens) with a swing at mommy or just outright defiance then you may need to resort to something more serious like a spanking on her bottom.

Always follow up with a long talk, hugs if she's up to it, and an I love you and I'm not going to let you be a bad girl.

You have to be the boss. You can't just hope they will be sweet and kind...some will and some won't. Some you have to teach to behave. (ever read Lord of the Flies...some of the boys were kind and others were tyrants. That book really sheds a real light on the nature of human beings.)

Do not let her be the boss. She's only two, she will do what you tell her to do if you expect it. Don't beg her because her lack of respect will just grow worse and worse. Nothing more ugly than a teenager that yells and screams at their parents.

Hi I am a SAHM of 4 (9,7,5,2) I have found choice is key- don't ask her to put her shoes away ask her :Do you want to put your shoes in your closet or the hall closet, or also rewards- If you put your shoes away we can start snack time. Don't think it's reward- its control- she wants to control the day and you have things you have to do so give her the idea she is in control and it should curb you battles- as long as the choices are both winners fot you (ex hall closet or her room) it doesn't really matter for you and she feels like SHE is the one in control. You have not failed your little girl- you are a great M. who wants what is best- contol isuues hit toddlers and teenagers- so hang in there (it is a phase)!
Beth

Everyone always talks about the "terrible twos"...No one ever mentions the fact that "terrible twos" starts at 18 months and "threes" are WAY WAY worse.

Hang in there. Keep setting your limits (and picking your battles) and you'll get back your sweet little girl.

First, how old is she?

I have a 3 year old that exhibits some of these same behaviors! She will continue to act up as long as I am willing to stand there and watch it. I walk away. I ask her again when she calms down. Sometimes we use the timeout step. I set the timer for 3 minutes and she knows that if she can sit there and be calm for her time out and then do what she was asked to she can play again.
They are really just testing how far they can push. She needs to see you stop her. She does need to be doing things for herself like putting away her shoes.

Don't worry, sounds like she is budding into strong and independent!

I went and did some looking at your other Mamasource's. Looks like you have an almost 3 year old. This should be pretty right on advice!

Hi M. F,
It sounds like your daughter is testing the waters. She wants to know if she can expand her power of controll. Most children at some point will see what M. and Dad will let them "get away with". It is up to you as to who will be "in charge" of YOUR household. There is nothing wrong with letting them know you will not accept backtalk and putting a child in "time-out". I also use a green, yellow, and red chart. After each unacceptable thing they do I change the card from green to yellow and then from yellow to red. Once they are on red they have to serve a "time-out". (age appropriate) This is how some parents end up letting the children determine what happens in the family. Good luck and be strong it take alot of energy before they outgrow this stage.

Call Early Intervention (Children and Family First) and get a developmental evaluation SOON! It could be the terrible twos and it could very well be something much more significant. You need the reassurance and she may very well need the help (and right away!)

Sounds pretty normal from where I sit. My little boy is 3 and went through the same thing. Frustrating, eh? He's outgrown it now and I'm willing to bet that your daughter will too. I think they're trying to assert their independence and want to have a voice. I tried to let him have that voice by giving him options that I approved of at every turn. There were still times when he pitched a fit like your daughter is doing, but I think that it is all part of the process. Good luck to you both!

My daughter is three also and we are dealing with the same issue you are (it's like having a preview to the teen years!). I joke know that whoever said that it's the "terrible twos" obviously hadn't reached the threes yet. It's very normal all the kids in my moms group are dealing with the same thing. I know it's hard to deal with but what i try to do especially when I hit my frustration level is to try and see things through my daughters eyes. All day long someone is making decisions for them and they just need to feel some control in there lives. Plus they still have a hard time controlling there emotions. I'm told this will pass so the best advise I can give you is stock up on chocolate to make it through the day lol.