I have a friend that I was very close with for about six months before she moved out of state. She had a hard time getting pregnant with her third child and then when she did, she miscarried. Fast forward a few months and she was pregnant again. This time, she mass e-mailed that she just lost the baby this weekend at 36 weeks pregnant... a sudden accident that caused the cord to wrap around baby's neck and he didn't survive. She apologized for sending it in an email and wrote that she isjust too devastated to call everyone. I responded to the email immediately but I'm just not sure what else to do, besides send a card. How long should I wait to call? Should I mention it? Should I do anything else? I feel so bad for her. I know that their whole family is just devastated. Any suggestions??? I hate to open a fresh wound but I did email her that I am here for her if she needs me.
I have called once and emailed her regularly to let her know that I am thinking about the family. I sent a glass engraved ornament in memory of her son and I sent a book for the girls. Thanks for all the suggestions!
I would go over with a casserole and a card. Food really does help because she won't feel like cooking and she and her family still need to eat.
I know it sounds corny, but some homemade food does help people feel better and it shows that you took the time to do something for her.
This is what I did when a friend's niece lost her toddler in a car accident..
One, I sent a card to her family. Two, every one to two months, I'd send a card to remind her that I was thinking of her. Three, in this case, the surviving child was recovering in the hospital/rehab for several months , therefore I sent gifts a couple different times. I felt that it wasn't just the parents who lost a child but that the little one lost her baby sister.. in a way, was possibly very if not more difficult for her. Lastly, on the one year anniversary of the toddler's death (this May) I went to their local church and bought a mass. Now, doing that isn't for everyone, but I knew in particular the grandma was religious and not only did I get a mass but did so in Spanish so that grandma could (if available to attend) understand all the words.. The family VERY much appreciated it ...
Thing is, there is no wrong or right way to give..... you simply do what moves you... Although your friend is devastated right now, down the road, any kindness and love bestowed upon her will have helped in her healing... you aren't opening a wound... the wound IS still open.... but you can help it... start with sending a card... then if you feel moved... perhaps a month or so down the road, a basket of baked goods for her family... Without sounding harsh... life will have to go on.. she has two other kids... they lost a sibling... so maybe by your remembering them.. it will help her as well. as a mom, I would appreciate any kindness as such... and although I may not be in the mood to talk to people, I know that in the back of my mind, I would welcome the support..
blessings to all...
She was pregnant for about 6 months. So, it will take her at least 6 months to get back on her emotional feet.
Go to her. Sit with her. Hold her hand and let her cry. Let her know its ok with you however she is. Offer to help pack the baby things up. If she says no, ask her again the next day. Her moods and emotions will change by the second. If she doesn't want to sit or talk, tell her its okay and if you can try again the next day. Then actually call her up the next day.
Offer to go to the doctor's appointment with her, if her husband can't go. Don't worry about childcare...everyone will be offering that up.
Remember her on this day next year...the 1st death anniversary of a baby is hard. Remember her on the day she found out she was pregnant, and especially remember her on her due date. Plan something special on the due date...balloon release, visit the cemetary, dedicate something to a hospital in her baby's name or light a candle.
Buy a pretty box and call it a memory box, and have her put all the baby's special things in it...sonograms, pregnancy records, special toys or clothes she bought for the baby.
When you ask her how she is doing be specific. Say "how are you doing today?" or "how are you doing this morning?".
Ask her if you can ask questions about the baby. What were they going to name him/her? Was the baby more active than her other 2? Did she crave anything different during this preganancy? Anything to help solidify her baby was real to you, because the baby will always be very real to her. Be prepared for her outbursts and please don't take it personally. Her hormones will be out of whack already...parts of her body (as well as her mind and spirit) might still be functioning as if she is still carrying a baby, not to mention her hormone levels will be up and down.
I'm so sorry for her loss.
I'm truly sorry. Losing a baby at that stage is really hard. I lost our baby at 22 weeks. I can tell you that you just need to BE THERE. Let her cry, scream, vent. There is NOTHING you can do or say to make it better.
I didn't want flowers - because they too die. it was too fresh a wound.
Just call her, send her a note to let her know you are there for her. She can call you anytime and that your arms are open for and to her...that's the best you can do.
Saying I'm sorry is nice....but the only thing that will help her is time. It's been 8 years for me and when I read things like this, it rips it right open again...time will take the edge off - but it will never really go away.
My thoughts and prayers are with your friend and her family.
It is a challenging situation and everyone handles the loss differently. I would reach out to her. I think you did the best thing ever by letting her know you are there if she needs you. Now, don't mention it. follow her lead. If she wants to talk, talk, if she wants to go to a movie, go to a movie. Don't try and lead her into any conversations, etc.
since you all aren't in the same state, shoot her a little email or letter once a month - some funny, some uplifting at least for a few months to let her know you are thinking of her. and pray for her healing and acceptance of the situation.
My sister lost one right before her due date. The next pregnancy she lost twins at about 5 or 6 months due to her being so small and they were just too big for her body to carry. They just sort of started falling out and she lived out in the country.
She was so devastated for such a long time. When she finally got pregnant again she went to the doc every week to make sure her placenta was working and that everything was going well. She had her one child finally!
This is such a hard thing for a mom to go through. They have labor and delivery and no baby. They can hold them for a moment if possible, to me it might be more traumatic to see the actual child and hold it. It might make it tons worse, I don't know.
Let her know she has your thoughts and you are sending strength and love her way.
I'd call her and if she doesn't answer, leave a short message saying how much you care and are thinking of her. I would also send her something for the baby-like a beautiful window cling or maybe a willow statute that has a mommy holding a baby-anything caring and gentle that is tangible proof of this child. I'd let her know about Compassionate Friends support groups and research if there is one in her area. Thank you for your loving, caring heart. May you be blessed for blessing your friend.
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Just continue to be in touch in an unobtrusive way (cards, emails) and keep reminding her that you are there for her any time she wants to talk. And let her know that she can call you just to talk and catch up on other things - that if she doesn't want to talk about it - it's ok. There are lots of other things to chat about.
If you want to send her something - an Edible Arrangement is perfect!
Consider asking via email if there will be a service of remembrance or a funeral and then respond appropriately if there will be.... I am so sorry for your friend and for you.
someone i knew from gradeschool J. had this happen and they cant afford the headstone...if this is your friends case maybe a donation for the funeral or burial? If not maybe send a plant to plant in the babies honor?
