I discovered by accident at the end of Oct. that my husband had been having an emotional affair with an ex since the middle of Oct. He has now admitted they had sex too. When I confronted him about it, he said he was deeply in love with her. We got in a big fight, and he said he wanted a divorce. He moved out for a few weeks, and during this time he drove many hours and went and saw her for a couple of days. When he was driving back from seeing her, he called me and said he realized he missed me and still loves me, and wanted to come back home. I said ok. This was now one week before Thanksgiving. I thought we were doing so well. Working so much on our marriage. Going to marriage counseling together every week. Then on Jan 3rd, I checked his email, and found a string of back and forth emails between then. One email from my husband on Jan 1st, he told her "this will be our year". I also discovered he never threw away that pre-paid cell phone (now thrown away), and they were still talking and emailing the whole time we were "working on us". He said he was so sorry, and didn't know why he couldn't stop contacting her, and said really does love me. He said he would call her in front of me and tell her that we are working on our marriage, and that he could have no more contact with her. He did do this in front of me, and I know for sure that she was on the phone. My question is can I really believe him that they are over, can I ever trust him again? Is it likely that he is telling the truth this time? I want to believe him and trust him, but I'm having a really hard time with that. I know for sure if I find out ever again that they are in contact it is definitely over between us, and I have made that clear to him now. What do you all think? Thanks!!!! :)
I wanted to add a few more details. My husband and I are both 37. We have been together for 10 yrs and married for 8 yrs. We were very much in love, and usually talked for hours every night. I have a 15 and 13 yr olds from my first marriage (my husband is their only father) and we have a 3 yr old together. Our marriage was good until about a year ago when we started flighting over stupid stuff and not being respectful, and honestly a lot of that was me. I am by no means taking any blame for what he has done, I have learned that it was his choice to have the affair. I wanted to also mention that on Sat. Jan 3rd when I found those emails, he had just given me his cell phone password, reluctantly however; and then he said it was ok to look on his computer, and I guess he didn't realize that she had sent him an email that included a string of emails from him. He has since also given me his computer password and email password. He set his email to forward me any messages she would send him and then put it in the trash, so far no emails from her. This might be because I told her he gave me his email password. Yes, I did call the other women. I know this is mostly not advised. I called her that Jan 3rd morning after I found the emails, to find out the truth. I was very polite with her and I think we were pretty much honest with each other. She of course said that she loved him, and he told her we were getting a divorce.
When he called her that same evening in front of me to tell her he was working on his marriage and that they could no longer be in contact, he then turned his phone off. I checked it the next morning while he was still sleeping (since he gave me the passcode) and there were three voice messages on there from her saying "I love you, let me know if you change your mind." I of course deleted them, and I didn't tell him about them either. And now the block is on the phone for her numbers with his agreement. I've asked him if she has made any contact with him, and he told me that he thinks she got the message with both me and him calling her. So, hopefully that is true, and he doesn't know that she called back. Oh, and the marriage counselor told us this week that I am co-dependent and he has signs of narcissism, lovely!
Here is a good link for all married women out there who would like to improve their marriage. It does make some good points on if you want to work on your marriage, as I do, that you should stay together and spend as much time as possible together, as we have been doing. If he strays again, I would definitely kick him out. (I don't think I'm that co-dependent) marriagebuilders.com
Please note that if this has happened to you before, you are not alone, statics show that over 50% of marriages will have a spouse who had an affair.
Well, I would demand my space 1st of all. I know that you have a lot invested in this marriage...but he HAS to know you mean business, don't be so available. Tell him to go stay somewhere else for a while...maybe a month and tell him that you need time to think. He will think about this everyday and realize what he wants and so will you. Time will tell...
Good Luck!
My husband and I were JUST discussing this last night because I have a friend in a similar situation! I was consulting my husband for advice (needed a man's perspective). His advice - it is clear that he’s in love with the other woman. He can lie to himself and say he’s going to stop but it won’t last. The reason he keeps going back to his wife is he feels guilty because there are kids involved. He cares about his wife and he doesn’t want to hurt her, but he IS NOT going to stop reaching out to the other woman. I feel bad for (the wife), but it would be better for her to cut her ties now and start the rebuilding process.
I think the brain has two sides, the logical side and the emotional side. The emotional side can convince the logical side very easily. Such as your situation or many of mine for that matter! :) But vice versa it doesn't work that way. If I were to guess your logical side has been telling you to leave for a while but your emotional side keeps tricking your brain. It's a battle but at some point your logical side will always prevail. Often in my case after the damage is done. Stay strong and stick up for yourself.
I'm not going to tell you that you should leave him or stay together, because only you can make that decision. UGH!
But I can tell you that I am overcoming a break up right now (4 days fresh actually) from a man that I desperately love. However we were NOT married, dating for a little over a year. Our relationship ended for sort of the same thing, cheating emotionally. At some point the lies and dishonesty will consume you and all you will find yourself doing is obsessing over his email and his "hidden" cell phone and if his next "business trip" or "guy's weekend" is to see her or if she's in a hotel close to his office and what is he doing on his lunch break and it will literally drive you crazy. Do you want to live like that? Constantly snooping and watching your back and the constant wondering if this man that you love and says he loves you can be so careless to hurt you so badly? Emotionally, but not to mention physically (STDs or by getting her pregnant) Is this the life that you want for you?
I'm not sure if you have children, I'm sure that you do, you're on mamasourse! :)...but what example are you setting for them as a role model? That it's okay for daddy to love another woman other than their mommy? That it's okay to lie and keep secrets? I had to choose between a man that I loved and the right morals and ethics that I desired for my children. Was it an easy decision? No, it wasn't. Was it the right decision? Yes. But every day I have to tell my emotional side that my logical side needs to be the victor this time, for my children and my own piece of mind.
You are beautiful, you are strong, and only you can do what is right for you. For me it has been 4 days, I only cried once yesterday, and this too shall pass.
(((HUGS))) for you, you will make the right decision. and I'm here for you if you need me.
M. T
I'm not in your shoes....but from what I have read from your first post and then this one....You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too! You have got to put your foot down. I wouldn't trust him for a moment. It sounds, as hurtful as this may sound, as though he is using you while he has a plan. Sorry if I sound so harsh, but it's my honest opnion. Wishing you strength and happiness!
It is impossible to give advice or answers without knowing you or your husband at all. Just try your hardest to listen to your gut and let go of what decisions you are making because they are easier what you are "wishing".
I would also be honest with him... "You broke my heart and my trust, I still let you back in my life and you did it AGAIN... what am I suppose to do with that? What would you do? How are you going to make me trust you again?" Tell him, "if you get weak for some reason again and talk to her, tell me and we will work through it TOGETHER, but if you are just staying with me out of guilt, obligation, or convenience, then love me enough to tell me... I need to be happy too!"
Just pray sweetie, pray hard! I will be praying for you as well.
Hi CZ,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My first husband cheated on me. After I filed for divorce, I found out that it was even more than I had originally found out. If he does it once, he'll do it again. I'm now married to a wonderful man. I told him in the beginning that, for me, there are deal breakers to a marriage. One is hitting and the other is cheating.
I hate to break it to you but I personally think that it isn't just emotional cheating. He moved out and drove hours to see her. And then tells you they didn't have sex? I'm sorry hon but men don't do that. They don't move out, leave their wife and kids, drive hours to see a woman and not have it become physical. Women are emotional beings but men are physical beings. In my opinion, he came back to you to try to work on your marriage out of his own guilty feelings over hurting his kids.
You have to do what you think is best. Counseling is a good start. Tell your counselor that he's still keeping in contact with her. Tell your counselor that you aren't sure you can trust him anymore. See what your counselor thinks about it. At this point, I think you have to make a decision either to stay in this and work on it or cut your losses and kick him out for good. If you choose to stay and work on it, it has to be both of you working hard. In other words he HAS to give up contact with her. You would have to trust that he does that. To me, he's already proven that he isn't going to do that. Yes he called her while you were there. But what's to stop him from just "being more careful" about you finding out? You're only delaying the inevitable (divorce) if he isn't willing to give 100% to work on your marriage too. You working on it alone won't get you anywhere. Unfortunately, I speak from experience on this subject.
Good luck to you in whatever decision you make.
What are the consequences for bad behavior in a marriage?
I can't understand why this woman continues to have contact with him! What is wrong with her?
The children WILL suffer unfortunately it won't be him!
He is WEAK!!!
C Z,
Do you honestly believe he is done w/this????? I don't! Do you think you deserve to be lied to, left and better yet, do you think your children don't see what he's done/doing? Is that how you want your children to think a marriage works??
He can call her in front of you all he wants, but who is not to say he won't call her when you aren't there and tell her you made him call her, and he has to pretend to be w/you b/c if not you will take everything he has or that he wants to make things easier for the children????
If you are planning on staying only time will tell. I hope you find someone to talk to, whether it be professional or not, b/c NO WAY would I want to be w/a man who left me and my children and remained in contact w/the woman he thought was far better than myself to be w/.
It takes a different kind of person to trust again....I COULD NEVER be w/my husband after he cheated, but some women can. I am not that forgiving, I guess! I have indeed been cheated on (not by my husband, but my a boyfriend in the past), and I forgave, but never forgot....I never would have either....Obviously it didn't work out b/c I could never trust him again.
LEOPARDS RARELY CHANGE THEIR SPOTS!!!
Sorry to say, I don't think so.
don't worry about snooping, because it is only bad snooping when it is none of your business, when you have evidence, it is being proactive and protecting yourself and your childrens best interest.
I agree with Melissa, do you want to have to worry and wonder and live like this all the time?
block all internet from him.
He wants/has his cake and to eat it too.
He has his "thing" on the side, and doesn't have to pay anything to you, to her, or to the kids in support.
If you truly want to make this work, get him in counseling now. No excuses from him and block him from the internet and make him get rid of his pay as you go phones.
Sorry just re-read you are doing couseling, maybe add talking a pastor together.
part could be just the addiction to the internet and he just happened to find a bite, or he may just want the cake thing. Just realize, he is going to say as little or as much and whatever you want to hear for him to stay, until he decides he wants to go.
I would still be watching your accounts, and make your own NOW. Start your credit NOW if you don't have any. Make sure he isn't taking any out and preparing for something. Just to be on the safe side and not get blindsided.
For me personally, he would be out already. If I couldn't afford the house, it would be for sale with me in it, not him. If I chose to give us another try, he would have to earn his way back in.
hugs and sorry again
These are always tricky questions to answer on here, especially since I don't know you or your husband, or the whole story. From what you've said, it sounds like he's not over her. He's lied to you time and time again. He says he loves you, but I can't understand how he could do this if that's really true. If it were me, I would either kick him out, or move out myself with the kids. Trust has been broken, and to me, that is one of the most important things in a relationship. Once your trust in him has been broken, it will take a very long time to regain that trust, if at all. I can't say that I would never take him back, because I'm not in your situation. However, if you do make that decision, make it wisely, after a lot counseling (both alone and with your husband). Emotional or sexual, it doesn't matter...an affair is an affair. I almost think if it were just a one night stand, I would forgive him easier than an emotional affair. Maybe you just need some time apart to figure things out. I don't believe in divorce, unless it's extreme circumstances. But I also don't think you deserve to stay in a bad marriage if there's no trust, or if both people aren't completely in love with each other. That's not fair to anyone in your fammily. I pray that you will find the right decision that is best for you and your family. I also encourage you to pray for guidance, courage, and the strength to get through this. God bless!
He needs to be told to stop contacting her. He needs to give you the passwords to all e-mail accounts. He needs to be kicked out of the house for a set period of time (1 mo. minimum) with marriage counseling continuing during that time. He needs to understand that if he is caught contacting her again that you are absolutely finished. (AND you need to mean it :)
I'm sorry you need to deal with this. I wish all men knew how to cherish their wives and live in reality.
Do you have any children together? If not, then thank God and run. If you have children, then you need to hold his foot to the fire. May be you need to talk to the other woman
